Days 44 & 45: The Switch

 

Changing up the Match profiles appears to have had an effect. Of the 4 men I engaged over the weekend, I have coffee/drink dates with 2 of them this week, the other 2 are not vibing on me and that is just fine.  There have been a bunch of emails and winks from nice men that I probably will not respond too, but the action is validating.  Feels like I am getting a little closer to the target, most of the time.  Sometimes it feels like I’m just learning.

Saturday morning I was on my way into the city and there were hundreds, I mean literally hundreds of people at the subway station waiting for shuttle buses because they are doing work in the tunnels again.  This has been going on periodically since January- and even though I am of course happy that they are making the trains safe and clean and preparing us for future hurricanes and stuff, it has also been a huge pain in my ASS mostly because I am rarely on time.  I’ve figured out that I can skip the shuttle and just take the train further east to transfer in on another line- that other line happens to be the L (love train!) which is full of cutie Brooklyn boys of all types, which is a great way to start the day.

I was standing there on the pole, heh heh, sipping my juice and tuned into miPod, when the doors open and in walks this young man who looks like a cross between Yasin Bey and Will Smith, wearing those Malcom X glasses, so tall, so yummy.  I notice this older woman on the train look him up and down like she is a leopard and he is an antelope, smiling to herself, admiring him- which was awesome.  He stops at my pole, places his hand directly under mine and gives me a smile.  DIMPLES.  Oi.  He seems a lot younger than me so I figured I would just do like Leopard Lady and enjoy him while he is before me.  More people enter the train and he swings a little closer to me, I fit perfectly at his armpit nook.  Because I am always carrying just a little too much crap with me, I have to use my nose to flip the lid on my juice cup and got some juice on my chin (don’t judge me).  I look up at the young man and he is watching me as I wipe the beet juice off my chin (on to my sleeve) and smile at him.  This is a real Tina Fey moment.  It then occurred to me that I probably also had juice on my nose, so I am wiping off the entire visage with my sleeve while noticing just how tall and handsome my pole sharer is.  He’s not looking at me anymore, he is typing something on his phone.  My cat-like face cleaning stops and I resume my cool.  Jesus.  He surreptitiously looks at me from under his eyes and passes me his phone, which I take in my hands.  In his notes, he has written:

“You are metal and I am a magnet all I want to do is get closer to you.  You are so beautiful.  [his Name, phone number]”

YO, THAT IS MY MOVE!  Sort of 😉  It is pretty smooth and he is really cute; I am totally blushing and we are smiling at each other in that sweet way, swinging a little on the pole like kids would.  I type back something like

“Thank you!  You are gorgeous, I am so flattered. We should meet for a drink sometime [my name, phone number]”

Then we have this slow motion geek series of moments, where we kind of smile at each other and look away, look back and smile, nod, look away- it didn’t make any sense.  I took off my headphones, smiled at him and he removed his then we spoke like humans do.  He tells me that he grew up in Bed Stuy and comes from the streets and nobody in his life has called him gorgeous before.  He asks what I am up to for the day, tells me he is going to help a friend assemble a crib- he likes to help out, smoke some stuff and build shit.  It is not his baby, he does not have any babies.  I ask him if he is of the mind to read the instructions or will he just figure it out.  “Both,” he replies. Then, leaning in to me “Can you follow instructions?”  Ah-hem. He is a straight talker, asks me when was the last time I was really satisfied…  It’s not even 9:30 in the morning.  Tells me that he takes great care of his body (clearly) and that he is very sexually talented and doesn’t understand why women aren’t demanding more satisfaction from their men.

“You got a man?” he asks, I lie and say “Yes, but it’s cool, we have an open arrangement.”  He wants to know about me, what I do, what I like to do- we find common ground in poetry.  He is about to get off the train and tells me that he wants to have that drink, and that he will send me some poetry during the day.  He may have kissed me on the cheek, then he exited the train, turned and gave me a wave.

Whoa.

He did send me poetry, and it is very, very good.  I love it.

That said, obviously this man has got some game.  I won’t make assumptions about what that means, but I’m not so sure I am going to move forward with what he is offering.  My instincts tell me it is not yet safe to do so, and I will heed them.  A friend of mine (the one who I am always quoting for you) said to a group of us last week:

“Imagine that tomorrow night you are going to go to a party and there you are going to meet the person of your dreams, the one that you have been waiting and hoping for and he is totally available and ready to go, you just have to answer one question.  That question is:  what did you do yesterday?”

He then went on to say that the way that we live when we are single and dating really does matter.   So many people, myself included, think that because we are single we can be really causal about who we are sleeping with… And yeahhhh, sure you can.  Of course.  The truth is that ALL of our behavior, especially sexual, reflects our values, how we feel about ourselves, and who we are.  Maybe the way that I conduct myself sexually when single should reflect how I would be if I were in a relationship.  Or that I should regard the person I am sexing with the consideration that this could very well turn out to be my life-partner and the last person I sleep with for the rest of my life.  I shook my head and scoffed at most of this, but it is lingering around in my thoughts and in my heart I am aware that if ultimately, who I am looking for is that partner, I might be helpful to act as if that person is already here.

I have a lot to think about.  I know, I know.  There is no right or wrong, no formula for any of this.  I have to be in the moment living it, spiritually connected and honest.

I have been following astrologer/writer Eric Francis for about 20 years now.  His website is planetwaves.net where you can access his current work and archives for a fee.  I have found that his writings are free in some places, too, though for many years I did pay to have direct access to his website and publications.  I sometimes geek out on astrology. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.  I am thinking about it now because what Eric wrote about us Gems this month has everything to do with what I just wrote about, and with the themes that have been coming us vis-a-vis what kind of relationship do I want, who do I want to BE in that relationship, and what kind of person do I want to be in relationship with.  Check out what he wrote:

“You need your own personal code, your way of life, that is distinct from anything that was ever imposed on you, and which depends on what you have learned from all your travels. Most of all your guide to living must be informed by the outcomes that you want, measured not so much in material things as in the form of ethics, cooperation, the value you place on your relationships, and most of all, the value you place on the future. These are things that count, and the things I suggest you keep right at the front of your mind, every step you take.”

Aayyyyye.

Now you can read what he wrote about you:

http://www.eomega.org/learning-paths/body-mind-spirit/planet-waves-horoscopes-april-2014-horoscopes

Beyonce is my Spirit Creature this month.  Be your Bey, xxx

 

 

 

 

Days 41, 42, & 43: Finding the Right Words

Please excuse me for taking so long to write again.  I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica.  I really feel elderly when I say that.  Sighhh.  But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.

I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line.  I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while.  It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for.  Shit, I had some good lines in there!  Check this one out:

“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”

What an asshole!

So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh.  I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery.  That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people.  I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not.  I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them.  Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.

There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.

After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes.  I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them.  Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too.  Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one!  2 of them visited my profile.  Ahhh, Match life.

It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time.  In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun.  I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get.  One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable.  Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.

If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them.  I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works.  And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great.  Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.

One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards.  I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.

It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry:  “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”

Details below!

Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread

 

1. How you have come to your present situation or focus:  V The Sage

Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power.  Ancient knowledge will guide you.  Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person.  Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.

2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart.  The bridge you need to cross:  7 of Coins

A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished.  A warning not to stop for too long.  Time, reflection, self study.  The payoff will come later.  A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved.  Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’.  As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs.  Act.

3. The foundation or root of the issue:  5 of Wands 

Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!

A conflict fueled by creative differences.  A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings.  Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony.  You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want.  It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.

4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:  Princess/Page of Swords

A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others.  An idealist.  Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown.  Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind.  May seem secretive to others.  The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.

5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:  Queen of Wands

 

The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.

Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once.  Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent.  She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness.  Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her.  BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.

 

 

6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle: 8 of Wands

The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration.  Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon.  Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static.  Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery.  Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.

7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation: XX Liberation

Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation.  A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation.  Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you.  Making choices without blaming oneself or others.  There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.

8.  Family and significant others, how you are perceived: 6 of Cups

Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards.  Carry what is good from the past into the present situation.  The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place.  Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.

9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative: King of Coins

A powerful man, financial or business leader.  A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money.  He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising.  Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.

10.  Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation: 7 of Cups

 

Many elements or choices presented to the seeker.  A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes.  Imagination and vision.  Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement.  As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.

11.  Gift, guide, hidden factor: 10 of Wands

Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity.  A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects.  Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs.  We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship.  People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.

 

 

 

xxx

Days 39 & 40: Avocados

On Saturday, it was pouring in TriBeCa, the windows of the cafés and stores foggy and dripping, melting shapes and faces from the outside.  I was grabbing a coffee after a 90 minute yoga class, half turnt up/half dazed.  This class was both yoga & self massage- first we hit it hard on the mat, then empty the contents of our pink tulle bags that the studio provides, full of accoutrements, and we spend 45 minutes rolling around on balls and rubbing ourselves into a noodle-y blissful state.  The teacher is very attractive- and because it is a body work class he takes hands on assists to another level- like full on cupping of the ass, firm hand slides down the side body from armpit to hip.  I try not to sexualize yoga for the most part- it would be too easy to get freaked out.  The combination of physical contact and deep tissue massage evokes a state that is similar to post coital bliss tho, same chemicals, same dreamy sleepy glow.

Tangental, really.

In the coffee shop, a man sitting by the window caught my eye, and I his.  Just people noticing people.  When I was waiting for my cup, he gathered his things to leave, tall and full, smiling at me with deep dimples on both cheeks.  Ohhh my head says, yes talk to HIM- something about that working man-ness hits me just right on this dreary cold afternoon.  He puts on a fluorescent parka and a white hard hat and exits, stopping outside the door to button up and light a smoke. As I am spicing my drink, he walks past the window and smiles again, I hold up a finger asking him to wait for me.  Impulsive!  He turns to look behind him, looks back and hold his hand to his chest as if asking “me?” in a faux- modest gesture.  I smile and nod, finish what I’m doing and walk outside.  Finally taking the suggestion of my friend, I say to him simply- “Hi! Thank you for waiting for me.  You’re so handsome, are you single?” He laughs and thanks me, he is indeed single. I respond by asking if he would like to meet for a dinner or a drink sometime; he says sure.  The conversation goes on a little while- he kind of goes on a ramble about being a simple blue collar man from Long Island, he is a train conductor for the MTA but today they have him doing work in the tunnels.  Then he says that he mentions that up front because a lot of women don’t want to go out with a guy like him.  I mean… The smoking part was kind of off putting for me but I liked his smile; then speaking with him it was obvious to me that I was not going to call this guy.  Not because he works for the MTA or whatever, it was more that I could see we would not have much to talk about, and I quickly imagined that we would have very different ideas about how to spend our time together.  2 months ago I never would have even started the conversation, let alone held up my finger (!!!) and asked him to wait for me in the rain!

That’s 2 days of approaching people only to discover and decide that I’m not interested.  Amazing how quickly that spark of attraction fades to nothing- but I am grateful, learning.  Wait, have I told the avocado story yet?  It seems apropos at this time…

Late last year, after a week of asking out 5 different men that I was really attracted to and getting turned down each time, I was really pissed, and just really tired, surrendered to my unattractiveness, deep in the self-pity. You know.  I was talking with my friend- the same friend who initiated this challenge actually- and he said this great thing to me.  I will tell you now.  He said,

“Imagine you wanted to make some guacamole and you were at the store selecting avocados.  If the first few that you pick out are not ripe, you would not blame yourself or say there was something wrong with you because you selected un-ripe avocados!  You would just keep looking- or maybe you would decide that you wanted to make salsa instead and come back to the guac another time- but the point is that you would not find fault with yourself for any of this.  It’s the same thing as all of these men turning down your advances, you have just selected a few un-ripe avocados.”

He’s really good at this stuff, right?  I know.  You should hear him sing!

A few days back I mentioned that I would go through my memory to determine if there was anyone really special back there that I should check in with (Days 32, 33, & 34).  Any dreams I should chase.  Turns out there was one, a BIG one, and I once it dawned on me on Saturday, I decided to sleep on it and if I could not shake the idea, I could do it on Sunday.

I couldn’t shake it.

So, this man…  ooooo-weeeee, this man.  Sighhhh.  A little less than a year ago, I was walking home from the subway one night and I noticed a man walking a bit of distance in front of me.  Actually I noticed his bag, it was fashionable, unusual, handsome.  Anyway. He happened to turn down my street.  The next night, again as I was walking home, I was about to cross over a busy thoroughfare and I turned to look over my right shoulder to see if the other lane was clear, and there was the bag and the man, right next to me. Knocked the wind right outta me.  He crossed over and I surprised myself by catching up to him and striking up a conversation.  Sometimes I guess I have the right instincts for these things.  It was like love at first sight; no, it was love at first sight.  That night we walked home together and as it would be, we were neighbors- about 10 Brownstones apart.  It was not a week before I saw him again, this time on the subway platform heading into the city, where we spent the 40 minute commute engrossed in a quiet conversation about books, nutritional supplements, great restaurants.  He took note of a few of my favorites and I his.  Physically he could be my Mr Potato Head.  Honestly.  Dark brown eyes, clean and marvelously crooked teeth, brown peppered hair, dimples, tall… His voice was low and clear, his face was close to mine, he was very present in his eyes, our side bodies touching the whole time. I remember I could smell him- familiar sea and woods in amber tobacco- and I could see some of his chest hair popping out from his v-neck white-t, an black tattoo on his upper left arm.  I got off the train one stop before him, and in my lovebeam I was pretty sure I had just found my future Mister.

We started to run into each other all the time.  It seemed that anytime I left the house without make-up to run to the bodega for cat food or Cafe Bustelo, he would be there on his stoop in the sun, smoking his cigarette and enjoying a coffee.  He often stood up and walked down the stairs to the fence when I would walk by, and we would talk- sometimes for 30 seconds, others for 30 minutes.  We still ran into each other on the subway occasionally, and our conversations had gotten really cute because we were so excited to talk to each other and ask each other questions that there was always a lot of interrupting and smiling, close talking. We discussed our families and childhoods at length, he asked me many questions and he would remember details. Often, when I would run into him, he would follow up with something I had mentioned the last time we spoke.

One morning in June, just before my birthday, I spontaneously invited him to join me for a rooftop film later that evening.  I could tell this caught him off guard, or kind of struck him in an uncomfortable way, which was hard to figure out.  He took my number and texted me later that day that he was unable to join me.  After that, I probably asked him out 2 more times and always he would get a stricken look and sort of evade the question.  I let it go, we continued to talk about other things.  I knew he was straight, I was pretty sure that he liked me, and every time I made up my mind to just ask him what the score was, I couldn’t put him on the spot.  I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for him.  He, like many New Yorkers of means, was away most of August, and the next time I saw him was on his birthday late in September.  It was a brief encounter, I told him that I was moving and asked him to keep an ear out for me.  He did, we stayed in communication via text about apartment hunting for the next few weeks.  One day, I saw him leave his apartment with a woman… my heart sank & my head nodded.  Intuitively I knew this, I suppose.  When I found something a couple blocks away, he offered his assistance with the move and was happy that I would still be in the neighborhood.  He told me to walk by his house every now and then because he had just bought a car and I probably wouldn’t be seeing him on the train.  Heart sank a little deeper.

The day that I moved out of that apartment, I noticed what I thought was his car parked in front of my house; confused because there was a car seat for a baby in it.  Later, between trips in and out of the house, his car moved and I saw him double park it in front of his house, as a woman holding a little baby and baby gear came down the stairs as he opened the car door for them.  I made up a whole big story about all that and have not seen him since.  He texted me a week or so later to check on my new place, see how I was doing.  I said I would invite him and a guest to the housewarming (I did not have one) and he said he would attend.  We haven’t texted or talked in about 6 months now- in addition to the story I created about the baby, I also decided it was his midwestern polite upbringing that contributed to my self-deception- that this man was just being friendly and kind because that is who he is, it was never that he liked me.

I let it go.

Until yesterday I had not thought of him much; I like that he came to mind when I whispered this question about dreams to chase out into the wind.  Maybe his circumstances have changed- I mean, I’m sure they have in one direction or another!  But what joy it would bring just to catch up with him about books and vegan restaurants, just to take him in- voice eyes smell energy all of it, ALL IN.  I chickened out at a phone call, so I texted him to say hello and that I was thinking of him, and he replied quickly and said that he was so happy to hear from me- a sad face in reference to us not seeing each other anymore.  Elated, I took this as an opening and asked him to meet me sometime for a coffee or a drink and he wrote back that he would like that.  It will take a lot of self-restraint not to chase him, so in a few days I will put out a day/time and we will see what happens. Cross your fingers & toes and light a pink candle on your altar for me, please.

It really is joy enough to know that we had this exchange today and that I was on his mind, even for a few hours.  I’ve been smiling.  On a cellular level, remembering his sweetness makes me calm and vibrant, like the Caribbean Sea.

xxx

Days 37 & 38: Discernment

Riding the subway home, not terribly late- reading Henry and June by Anais Nin.  This is one hell of a book. I looked up and saw a man, made space for him next to me- he was young and striking and had really incredible thick thighs.  Tall, light eyed, hair like Magnum PI.  Tentative.  At first I was sure this was my moment for the question of the day.  Glancing at him in my periphery, I just wasn’t so sure- but clearly I need the practice.  So I reluctantly put down Anais and turned to him, friendly smile: “Are you on your way out or coming home?”  On his way home from the restaurant where he works.  We talked for a bit- he is 6 months in NYC from Minnesota.  A very very young 26, but so sweet. After talking with him, I did not want to ask him out at all.  I wanted to make him a sandwich and help him with his homework, you know?

Nonetheless, we got off the train and I noticed when he lengthend out he is a well constructed man- he looks like he has been working on a farm for his whole life.  We laugh a bit, walk a ways together, I’m still not gonna do it- I just can’t.  I notice his wet mouth, his teeth, those thighs- he is at least 6’0 and walking closer to me.  I am seeing a little twinkle in his eyes and I chose not to walk with him to his street even though it could have been on my way, if I took a different way than I usually go. I said sweetly ‘Ok, I’m going to dip here hon” and he stopped and said ‘Oh? It was so nice to meet you…” I said ” you too!” and walked my ass home.

That counts, right?  If it was earlier in the day, I would have tried again I swear.  I was actually on my way home from a date with someone from Match (days 24 & 25).  It was fun- we have a lot in common and strangely share some interesting history though we have not met before.  I know that this man wants something serious, that he wants kids- both from his profile and early conversations.  He made me laugh a lot, I could tell he liked me very much.  I will go out with him again but I have no feelings about it.  Juuuuust trying to be open- people tell me that sometimes someone grows on you, that people can be nervous or intimidated at first which I empathize with.  Like many of you, and historically, I know immediately or within 3 minutes of knowing someone if I want to get with them or not.  And when I don’t, so far, I never end up do-ing.  If I try to, it always ends awkwardly, people get hurt and I feel guilty for experimenting with my openness to new experiences and new pathways to love on his time and investment.  Shit, I might have to cancel… let me see after the next date.

I mean, I was wrong-ish about the architect (day 1) though if I am honest with you completely I will say I had some reservations from the start.  They played themselves out quickly.  Dates 2-3 I was getting kind of hot for him, but when he told me he is moving back to California and wanted to talk to me about being broken hearted and anxious after a social network review of his most recent ex, my flower closed.  Reverse bloom.  I felt that repulsion I was afraid to feel with him (day 21) and I think the fear I felt was my intuition warning me.  It’s OK.  It did suck to let it die- he asked me out a couple of times and I was legitimately busy, but I didn’t try to make another plan with him.  And finally I thought of how I would like to be treated, and if I was now the woman that I want to grow into, how would I behave?… so I confronted it head on yesterday and thanked him but said the truth which is that I am looking for something different.  Maybe we will be friends.  If we are just friends then maybe I won’t have any energy about his yoga head band 😉

And it became clear to me today that the something different I am looking for is definitely not the kind of arrangement I had with my former lover of 8 years (day 10).  I mean, I knew that, but something happened today that triggered a reaction based on the fear, hurt and harm I brought upon myself in that old relationship.  Not to be vague haha, there’s not anything specific to say- a fear and sadness washed over me this afternoon and as I was feeling it I was able to identify clearly that what I was feeling was not of the moment I was in- it was historical, it was old wide deep water.  Bayou swamp shit.  It’s just that I don’t want to feel fucking crazy like that again- and get myself into an intimate situation with someone who is unavailable, where I find myself crossing my inner lines, in hope, to please; where I get all delusional and my desire for someone’s attention and affection, and to win them- have them CHOOSE ME- becomes more powerful than my instincts and desire to be loved-loved.  Not love-to-be-fucked loved. It does not feel like a lie for me to want to have the experiences of non-monogamy, polyamory, and sexual vibrancy and freedom.  I’m so so in- and I’m even ready for this stuff that is going to come up.  Old ideas, in service of the ego, are only interested in their own survival.  I was a feelings worshipper for so goddamn long that the super-ordination of this higher self- which now observes the feelings, triages them into categories then applies exploration, compassion and action- is just taking some getting used to.  That and there were many years of my life that I did not love myself like this and was unable to want the Highest Love for myself.  Now it feels like anything else, from friend lover or otherwise, just won’t do.

xxx

 

 

 

Day 36: Accents & Oracles

Over the past year, there is a man who I have noticed a few times in our community- he just stands out, even though he is sort of… not obviously distinct; or he must be otherwise I wouldn’t recall all the times I have noticed him.  I guess he’s tall.  He is energetically attractive in ways I can’t explain- like in a way that I imagine forest animals would come out to greet him, follow him around; or things might just grow under his feet.  Tonight for the first time, I heard him speak, learned his name.  I love his accent, which my friend told me was classic Rockaway which made me love it even more.  We ended up having dinner together with other friends and got to speak some on the walk over.  I was committed to asking him out- like, committed and psyched! He is really wonderful, and in a relationship.  The very brief moment of disappointment was followed quickly by a sincere happiness and gratitude for love in his life.

On the way home, I was approached by a woman needing some directions and we were going to the same stop on the same train so we talked all the way home.  She is new to the city, experiencing the adjustment pains that many people have.  I enjoyed talking with her enough, she is breezy, sexy- of warm sun beaches; we shared a similar spiritual perspective.  At one point, I don’t remember why- she laughed and said, ‘What are you, an oracle?’ because I guess I had again referred to something that had been on her mind earlier, or answered a question she had been carrying.  Wikipedia says. “In Classical Antiquity, an oracle is a person considered to interface wise counsel or prophetic predictions or precognitions of the future, inspired by the Gods; a form of divination. Oracles were thought to be portals through which the Gods spoke directly to people.” I dig it. I am totally a Classic Oracle.

Quick, don’t think: what does oracle make you think of, first thing that comes to mind???

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.

.

.

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.

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Zoltar?!  ME TOO!  I looked for just the Zoltar scene, but all I could find was this:

 

 

enjoy xxx

Day 35: Care Instructions

I was having dinner with a friend tonight and noticed a young attractive waiter- sort of James Franco-esque, yet less aware of his swag.  We exchanged some glances but my back was to him most of the time- I put my intention to ask him out to the side and just enjoyed dinner with my friend.  We were having some serious girl talk- dealing with some real grown woman life stuff.  She held up this crystal clear mirror for me to see something familiar that maybe I was not wanting to see this past week.  It’s funny the ways we try to hide ourselves from ourselves.

As I was putting on my coat to leave, the waiter and I were having eyes, I was gathering my courage.  I noticed he had a piece of paper taped to his shirt.  When we walked past he and his colleagues having dinner at he bar, I leaned in to see what was written on it.  He explained that he did not have pockets, so, he taped his list of items he had to retrieve from the basement to his shirt.  What a cutie.  We laughed, I looked at him and said ‘oh I thought maybe those were your care instructions’ which seemed at first to confuse him, then it seemed to fluster him- so I quickly decided to let it go, I couldn’t really read that signal and there were too many people around.  Hot little thing though.  I go there occasionally, maybe I will see him again.

Just before leaving, I learned about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin separating.  So sad.  Her blog post at GOOP is worth reading, if you have not yet read it.  There is a brilliant discussion by Drs. Sadeghi & Sami about the increase in life expectancy relating to divorce rates, this fact being an important consideration as we think about what it means to be married or coupled and what goes wrong.  Then there is even more insightful explanations of the evolution of insects and humans- that insects are too vulnerable with those exoskeletons, and that we are less vulnerable because of our flexibility and ability to absorb, change, recover.  Laying down some serious truth about what happens in intimate relationships- how we essentially trigger in each other all that is wounded and unhealed- that intimacy and romance occur as our greatest spiritual teachers.  Marianne Williamson talks about this in her book Enchanted Love, she refers to this triggering as hitting the wall of fire: you either walk through it to become something different- fire the element of transformation- or you turn away and turn cold, and this can be done together/intact or alone.  I have long said that my most difficult break up was my greatest teacher; that I walked through that wall of fire alone- and while I would have preferred that transformation to have been possible without having to sacrifice that love- I understand now why it had to be that way.  GOOP in general is worth reading, but this blog post about their sad, sad separation and “Conscious Uncoupling” will be historical- the site has already crashed from so much traffic.  I would link it for you but I think you can only get it through email subscription…

Riding the subway home, a poem came through me.  I feel it is for Gwyneth, for Chris, and all our broken little hearts.

 

The Butterfly Effect

The explosions at Fukushima on the eve

of the

Super Moon; everything felt crazy

All my inner firefighters lined up, sounding

alarms in the room we painted

Avocado Green

tall windows still covered in plastic

distorting and protecting us

from the freight-truths approaching, it

was not yet time.

Wiping the water from

Your sweet

Face

washing my way down Your

legs, anointing Your feet as

God has blessed me from this place

these moments the harmony of our

swan-song; Rain

against our window, the window to

Your room where I am standing, long,

in my black tights

angry curls sprung, snaking tracks

down the hot tears

on my

Face stunned and ashamed by

the ineffectiveness of my small imperfect

breasts to protect

my heart from this.

The puncture so loud and wet

my hearing popped, only the shrill hum of

passing through dimensions left.

But to You

I am just standing there speechless,

pathetic in my tights in

Your room under Your

dream catcher and my rosaries,

all the things I could have

said pooling silent pearls at my

fingertips

rolling like water from

my shaking empty

Hands.

3/25/14

xxx

Days 32, 33, & 34: Caught Up

I think I’ve hit a wall.

Simultaneously, I have bored myself to death and also totally creeped myself out with this project.  It’s unnatural, to be lurking and prowling like this!  And while it is sometimes cute or sexy or hilarious, it’s mostly not very interesting to read about.  <—— but I’m going to stay with it.  I have learned so much in the past month, met many interesting people, been inspired to write, gotten closer to people I love, and a lot more comfortable in my skin; I expect that this is like one of those dieting or exercise slumps- I just have to muscle through it, honor my commitment, and trust the other side.  Taking this on has also helped me to take on other new challenges which is fun- and, more than one of my friends has told me it has inspired them to be bold and ask people out!  That’s the best part!

One of the reasons that this is getting a little tricky is because I have been dating, sort of, here and there, with some of the men I ask out- which is both time consuming and mentally distracting.  Maybe on the days I have dates I will officially declare no pressure days.  I can do what I want it’s my project.  Funny, more than one woman has asked me, ‘So, do you have to pay for the dates since you are asking them out?’ this question did not occur to me- and the answer is no.  So far, there is a lot of sharing or he pays because that is just what some men do.

So much of my energy spinning out with these dates and these conquests, naturally sometimes I just want to leave my sunglasses and headphones on and become an inaccessible zombie like everyone else.  Let me sleep walk to work please.  Yes that is my real butt, do not touch it.  I will stop complaining right this second, but let it be known: I was inches away from letting this whole thing fade away and after thinking it through, I realized if I quit now, I would regret it.

You are welcome to stop reading any time, as many have.  Because it has gotten boring.  Well that stops today, because here are some exciting stats for this week so far:

Week of 3/23/14:

Fresh proposals:  1

Follow up contact (text or phone):  4 (men, not 4 texts)

Dates:  1

More dates:  1

Dates scheduled: 2

Funny business:  Plenty!

(it’s just 3/24/14)

Mostly I am just exhausted from so much contemplation and fantasy.  There is not too much more to say at this time about wanting to explore the Lifestyle (swingers, non-monogamy, polyamory)- I want to do it and I’m going to check it out.  I think once I am in it, I will have a whole lot of processing to write about- and some sexy little vignettes but as you may realize, I do not kiss and tell in the present tense.  Funny business is a catch all term, I can’t help that you thought I was talking about my sex life 😉

Since there is a bit of a dry spell in my environment, I am going to go back through my mind and see if I can find any big crushes or people who I have been interested in that I may want to ask out.  No one is coming to mind because I generally ask those men out in my weird, awkward and direct ways.  But, I suspect there could be a story-worthy adventure out there, chasing the memory of someone sweet…

Drop me a comment and let me know if you have any ideas for dates I could chase…  I would like to ask out Michael Fassbender, any one want to help me make a video for him…?  Maybe for his birthday on April 2nd…?

 

xxx

 

 

Days 30 & 31: The Real Thing

It was just a matter of time before this happened.  I’m surprised it took so long.

My heart was stolen by a(nother) gay man.

This man showed up twice in my world today.  The first time I saw him I thought ‘Wow, his light is so so bright’ and wanted to know him immediately.  Such a strikingly beautiful and evenly proportioned man- stylish, groomed, fit- articulate, lovely, kind.  We were in a meeting together, and I really wanted to speak to him after but got caught up doing other things and he slipped away.  Lo and befuckinhold, the same man happened to be at a meeting I went to later this evening- it was spooky, really.  Spooky in the good way, the way that keeps happening this week.  I must have Neptune floating through my house of romance or something.  I did learn of his preference before popping the question, but the honest truth is he is the one my sights set on today.  I did not ask him out (haha! I might!) but we exchanged big warm muscular yummy hugs and found it wild to see each other for the first time twice in the same day. It seemed obvious to me from the moment that I saw him that there was something very special that we were supposed to exchange- I’m excited to meet him.

He is not the first gay man I have wanted to ask out- in fact, I was super hot for a very good friend of mine for the first few weeks of our courtship.  I was unsure until one day I saw him greeting some of the other girls (gay men) with lip kisses.  Later in our friendship he asked me not to be physically affectionate with him in public because I was cock-blocking him.  He realizes that his preference is maybe a little ambiguous.

I think I may just be so hermaphroditic in my energy and preferences that it doesn’t always seem so obvious to me.  It also would not be far off to say that I can be a little… oblivious, spacey, naive.

It’s been a couple of days since I have written because I’ve been a little… distracted.  I ended up meeting The One Who Got Away (Days 26, 27) for coffee the other day- Wednesday? Yes, two days ago. I also saw him last night. I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this at all, but he lives happily in a non-monogamous/polyamorous Lifestyle.

Beetlejuice, man.

Earlier this year, I was deep in consideration about the Lifestyle because my former lover (see Day 10) and I started discussing some pretty serious stuff.  I was of the position, for years actually, that he and I might consider being primary partners in a polyamorous lifestyle.  At that time, I did not think that ‘not us’ was an option- in fact, I thought we had stood the test of time over any of our other partners and that we were always going to figure out how to remain lovers.  Really.  I thought that one day I would meet someone else that I would want to be in a relationship with and would be trying to figure out how I would explain this other relationship in my life, how much I would be asking of someone to accept that I have this long term lover that I would like to maintain a relationship with. Relief from this inquiry was one of many ways I saw the end of our relationship as a liberation, God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Then there was the Columbian (see Day 7) and all of the wide-eyed excitement I felt about the spiritual/creative expansion available through the polyamorous experience; I have long believed there to be an unlocking quality to “unconventional” sexual relationships (see Day 5). I’ve had a lot of questions and thoughts about this for a long time.  Earlier in my life, it was this heart question about loving people well- like, if I really love someone, wouldn’t I want everyone to see and experience all that is lovable about them, and to communicate that loveability (thats not a word is it) to them so they can feel awesome all the time?  Following that thought, contemplating how to really live out that idea, it’s all about communication: if we are living with the fear of losing each other to someone else in front of us, then it wont seep in and poison the relationship with jealousy and fear and all that crazy shit that comes along with it.  Or maybe if non-monogamy means we don’t have to fear anything in this regard- that instead, we can live beyond it.

I don’t know.

I’ve been cheated on, too- and that shit sucks.  In the past I have been possessive, jealous, and controlling of partners and lovers.  I have seen infidelity destroy love like a hand grenade-  perfectly wonderful people who love each other and build big awesome lives together, all of it, disappears in a flash because someone fucks around.  Seems like entering into relationships with the expectation that someone is never going to get down with anyone else is somewhat unrealistic. Is it? We all decide that for ourselves.  I’m for a love that frees us and part of that might just mean freeing us to evolve in ways that include sexuality.  Don’t think this doesn’t scare me in places I don’t even understand.  And yes, I get this *might be the privileged perspective of a single woman.

Whatever, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.  I’m sure you do too.

SO, back to TOWGA… he is not available for a relationship in the conventional sense.  I asked him directly “Are you inviting me into The Lifestyle or are you inviting me into Your Life?” and obviously the answer was a little of both, but mostly the former.  I wanted to get my expectations aligned from the jump because honestly I was up for either- would love to date him with this magnetic and enthralling added layer, would also love to just have some fun, check out the Lifestyle.  He explained to me that while there are many people in the Community who are more polyamorous- like, in serious primary relationships and have romantic/sexual other relationships- that he is not currently into that.  He has many female friends, and he has sex with many of them.  Regularly.  He also loves to attend these sex parties (? I’m not sure that’s what we call them, I will have to study the terms, learn the language)(I ordered some literature) and meet people there to have some sex with.  He could not be happier with his sex-positive, drama-free lifestyle- he gets to have lots of sex with lots of beautiful women, he has great times with great friends, he is living the dream.  Just a note that there could not be a more attractive man “inviting” women into the community.  He’s fucking dreamy in every way.

That said, he offered to bring me to a party. YES, please bring me to a party.  The timing couldn’t be better, given that I am still committed to this project for another 2 months.  I have done so much of the internal work healing and letting go of maladaptive shit and learning how to love and be in functional relationships- it’s really time to experiment with that out in the world.  I just see it as an offering- like, here is a way for me to become more free and more real.  More exactly me; knowing what I want and how to communicate that.  The more free and real I am, the more I will attract people who are actually attracted to ME- encouraging and accepting of what makes me happy, what helps me grow and heal.  I told him and I will tell you that I have thought about little other than this since he and I had coffee Wednesday, and that it feels like my skull is too tight for all of the thinking my brain is doing.  If the creative, sexual, and spiritual energy are the same root source- which I believe they are- I’m so so ready for this deep dive.  Might just blow my mind.

Might make for some very interesting boudoir stories.

Could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…

xxx

Day 28 & 29: From the Boudoir: Confessions

September 2006

We met early in the spring- I was ripe and full.  Things happened fast, we were combustible, creative, plasmic. In ways I was shy and unaware of how young & beautiful I was; he found this irresistable, he was older, powerful, aggressive- I found this irresistable too.

By the fall, we were in it, I had it bad for him.  We spent the summer with the windows open under fairy lights and warm breezes; jasmine, Bruce Springsteen, open access all the time.  He was always busy with work and most often came over late in the evening, weary and wanting- I felt powerful that his solace and satisfaction were here with me. Our relationship was phenomenal, and isolated- I was too blinded by love and lust to see what was really happening.  Every time I assumed him to be my every day boyfriend- whether by inviting him to do things with my friends, RSVPing for 2 on wedding invitations, not dating other people- it resulted in some let down, he did not come through.  We would fight and I would tell him to either be with me for real or leave me the hell alone; he would retreat for a few days then come back and tell me he was sad and could not stop thinking about me, did not want me to go, was afraid of letting me down…

The toxic loop.  I was so addicted.  I would chase his love into the next lifetime, I’m sure.  I may still.

The hands of summer dropped and swung for the trapeze of autumn.  I was giving him one more chance and he was earning it- there were nights out, introductions to family and friends, I had an extra key made for my apartment, red glass heart dangling from the chain.  Every effort he made I rewarded with more honey.  He was wise to keep me in the chase- I was after his love and he held it high and back above his head, laughing kissing taunting me.

He was working at an all day festival in the neighborhood.  I stopped by with friends during the day, we had plans later that evening.  Texts and phone calls of innuendo and longing in the spaces between.  Full throttle.  He shows up at my house that evening, dusty and drunk from a day in the street.  Laughing and kissing we tumble into the shower, never before has he been so desirous and lovely.  I am so deliriously happy, my anticipating insides so very sure that this is our jump off.  Shower turns to the bed and I am pulling back to ask if he wants me to make him some dinner.  He wants a little something, but does not want me to go; I told him I will grab some fruit and some water, be right back.  He warns me not to be gone long, not to stop in the bathroom.  A heap of limbs and grapes and kisses, he tells me about his day.  The grapes were gone, moon is rising, we are making our way back down, his hand behind my head.  I start to slip out and away from him, he tightens, growls- ‘where do you think you’re going?’ I reply ‘real quick, to the bathroom’ and he kisses me more deeply, pulls me under him, I forget everything.

Forever later, we are on our feet, next to the bed, nothing has ever been more swoony and intense as this night.  I tell him ‘baby, I don’t want to leave even for a second but I still have to go to the bathroom’ and he gets very serious and shy, one arm wraps around my waist and the other around my neck, his kisses weaving a cocoon about us. He pulls back,leans his forehead against mine and says ‘there is something I want to ask you’ inside my heart is racing, timpanis! this is the moment! this is the moment! it’s happening!! it’s happening!!!  I take his face in my hands, nuzzling him and leaving little kisses on his eyes, his lips, smiling and whispering ‘what is it baby, you can ask me anything, I am all yours’ He hesitates, pulls me closer, looks into my eyes, and lowers again.  Kissing me deeply, I pull away and say ‘tell me’.  He drags his nose across my cheek, kisses my neck and lifts his mouth to my ear:

‘Will you…’

‘What baby, tell me, it’s ok…’

‘Have you… have you ever heard of a golden shower?’

xxx

Day 27: Magic Numbers & Voice Mail Options

“Have you had many women?”

Oi vey, I don’t think this conversation usually goes as well as it did for Baby & Johnny.  The old magic number question.  Are people really having the conversation about magic numbers?  It’s been a while for me- I think the last time it came up was when I was in a long-term relationship and even then, the truth didn’t come out for over a year.  Not because we lied, but because we managed to evade the question- we had the sense to know that it had the potential to cause great harm. I don’t even really sit around with my girlfriends and share the quantitative data- any of it.  Does it matter?  It would be very unusual for me to ask a man this question.

I didn’t find much useful information when I consulted Googs on this one either. Mostly just people sharing their opinions on what number indicates sluttiness.  Total kidshit-bullshit. I did like this video from Carlin & Betty- they are doing great work in the sexual revolution!  Viva L’Orgasm!

We don’t talk about it because people are still shaming and judging each others sex behavior. We shame each other for who we choose to have sex with, the kind of sex we like to have, how often we like to do it, how/if we talk about it, the kinds of relationships we do or do not have with the people we are having sex with, and on and on. I say sex is free and it’s fun so have as much safe sex as you want to!  There is nothing revolutionary about this view point- and just because this is what I believe, this does not mean I am out bangin around or that I am incapable of having a happy, monogamous experience.  Just to prove a point: you don’t know if I have had sex or not since this project started but I bet you assume I have!  Well, let me tell you: only if laying around my hotel room and rubbing one out between episodes of Breaking Bad counts, darlings!

I just wish we could replace our judgmental criticism with accepting curiosity.

… bet you thought I was gonna reveal my magic number, didn’t you?  Tell you what: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 😉

This is on my mind today because I have been thinking about the early dating taboo topics- you know, the stuff you’re “not supposed to talk about” when you first start dating someone.  As you might imagine, this is a short list for me- meaning, you can talk about whatever you want to- the deeper the better, as far as I am concerned.  I have learned to keep certain cards close to my chest- even if that seems hypocritical.  Contradiction makes me cute.

So I am still trying to figure out whyyyyy I had such a strong, visceral repulsion yesterday when the architect told me he was feeling heart-achy and disturbed because of something he had seen on Facespace regarding his ex. Actually it wasn’t just that, it was the whole conversation- asking me if I was into beefy Italian men (presumably because that’s who the ex is with now), inviting himself to come along with me to an art show, the sort of whiny-neediness of the conversation.  4 dates, maybe 5 dates in?  Upon reflection, I think I was on the fence about him and this conversation led me to fall on one side. To be clear, it’s not because I can’t relate or because I feel jealous or anything like that- I found his behavior generally emotionally unattractive and I’m just not up for being anyone’s bandaid or fix-it woman. The door isn’t slammed shut, but there has been a shift- he may still slide under the door…

I am all for a relationship where we can openly talk about past relationships- with love, without jealousy, without later using this information as a weapon.  There is so much to learn about someone based on intimate relationship history.   Not magic numbers, love stories.  Tell me your love stories.  I am listening.

I have had another shift which is that I am seeing the experience of running into The One Who Got Away on the train the other night quite differently.  The voices in my head have stopped shouting and the one steady, cold voice that remains is telling me ‘Now you just have further evidence that this man is not into you.  Leave him alone, let this go.’  That same voice has similar insights about my number one crush- with a sneering cruelty.  I hate this short cycle from elation to self reproach.  I prefer to stay neutral.  Actually that’s a lie, I’m built to stay high but that isn’t sustainable.  For the most part, this past month, I have been able to put these feelings aside and stay on point with this project.  REMEMBER THE GOAL WAS NOT TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, IT WAS TO ASK OUT 100 UNATTAINABLE MEN IN 100 DAYS. The rest is just my silly girl shit.

Last but hopefully worth the wait… On that, the silly girl shit- I had a funny (not funny haha, funny jeeesh) moment yesterday when I called The One Who Got Away to invite him to join me for this art show.  I was leaving him a voicemail (I know) and got a little distracted by something (shiny object, squirrel) so my message became a little ramble-y.  I took for granted that I would be able to ERASE AND RE-RECORD so I just went with the ramble and wouldn’t you know that upon pressing #, still recording.  *, still recording.  #*#*##* #*#*#** 1111*#**? nope still recording.  So, if this poor man listened to my stream-of-consciousness message, he then had the honor of listening to me try to play Ice Ice Baby for him on the number pad.

Wait, no, that was funny haha I just made myself cry trying to recount that story.  Snort.

Yo, VIP- let’s kick it xxx