Day 3: This morning on Match.com: coffee in bed with Samantha Foxx, Caitlin Moran & Faith 47

☝☝☝This one is for you.

I’ve been single for a couple years now.  I’ve dated and had lovers and had spells of dry dry loneliness, but have not called anyone my partner for some time.  Mostly, I believe I wasn’t actually capable of true partnership most of that time, though I could not see it; and the Universe was gentle enough to make sure I was still getting laid & entertained but did not present me with any truly suitable partners.  It’s that mirror again- naturally I was not going to attract a healthy, whole person who was capable of an extraordinary relationship because I was not a healthy, whole person who was capable of an extraordinary relationship.

A few years ago, I had a really painful and sad break-up that brought me to my knees.  I grew more in the wake of that relationship than really any other time in my life.  I have often said that wish I could have learned what I needed to learn and evolve without having to sacrifice the person who meant the most to me in the Universe, yet I have come to believe that it really was the only way I was really going to get the message that I had to change.  Th experience was so jarring for me that it has taken a long long time to recalibrate. Following the break up, I got involved in a long term affair that was equally damaging in the way it distorted my perception of my value, what ‘love’ meant, and what is “normal” in relationships. In her book How To Be a Woman, Caitlin Moran writes:

     But, of course, on being freed, people who’ve been psychologically crushed don’t immediately start doing glorious, confident, ostentatious things.  Instead, they sit around for a while, going, “What the fuck was that?” trying to work out why it happened, trying- often- to see if it was their fault.

They have to work out what their relationship is with their former aggressors and come up with new command structures- or work out if they    want command structures at all.  There’s a need to share experiences and work out (a) what “normal” is and (b) if you want to be it. And, above  all, it takes time to work out what you actually believe in- what you think for yourself. If everything you have been taught is the history, mores,  and reasoning of your victors, it takes a long, long time to work out what bits you want to keep, which bits you want to throw away: which bits are  poisonous to you, and which parts are salvageable.

In short, there is a long period of gently patting yourself, going, “Am I okay? Am I all right?” often followed by a long, long thoughtful silence before any action gets under way. (p. 248)

During my “long, long, thoughtful silence” I learned to take responsibility for my part in this stuff, get complete with it, and let it go.  I’m a different woman now for sure, and I’m excited to have the opportunity to love someone and bring all that I have learned to a relationship.  That said, I still had/have a whole bunch of trepidation/terror about love and dating!  That’s part of the brilliance behind this challenge to ask out one man every day who I am attracted to and perceive to be out of my league.  That brilliance was not mine- a friend of mine, who I actually am starting to think is more of an angel-wizard than mortal- put me up to it.  He saw that I needed a push to get out of the plane.

South African artist Faith 47 creates explosively stunning paintings and murals throughout the world.  She talks about the murals that she paints in such a beautiful and spiritual way, for me it is such a parallel to the experiences of love in my own life- both when she talks about the work itself and her experience of making the work, the people she gets to meet and the way she engages with the space and time the work exists in.  She moves me.  Faith says, ” I embrace the fact that the work is temporary on the streets… I really like the idea that there is something so fragile about it- and for me that’s kind of like life, you know- you can’t hold on to things- so if you get to see that image in it’s space at the right time, that’s like a special moment, there is something quiet and beautiful about the fact that it is not permanent…”

http://vimeo.com/19121817

I have absolutely learned something of the quiet and beautifulness of the temporary.

Yesterday I did not meet anyone in the world to ask out so I diddled on over to Match.com to check out what was happening on my languishing profile and throw a handful of seeds into the wind via match-message, see if anything lands in a place where it might grow.  Wellllllppppp, let me first show you what I found in my inbox:

I will let this stand on it’s own.

I just want to send a message to all of you who are in relationships who enthusiastically and sympathetically suggest to your hot, single friends that they should do some on-line dating that this is actually what you are suggesting.  ♥

I sent 2 cheery, thoughtful, and profile-related messages to 2 men who are probably out of my league.  They are both younger than I am, they are both reportedly successful and mature; if they actually resemble their photographs then they are very good looking too.  I’m not exaggerating with sarcasm here, this is an actual common complaint of the on line dater- people lie about their age and misrepresent themselves with old or freakishly hot pics of themselves.  For the record, my profile has integrity in both areas- I have a variety of pictures from really good ones to just regular ones, all are from the past 9 months, and I do not lie about my age, or the fact that I want to have children.

Interestingly, I had a first-time phone conversation with a man I met on Match about 6 weeks ago today.  He and I have been texting (blech) for weeks, and we even had a date planned for V-day but I freaked a little and canceled because we had never spoken and there was all this snow… I don’t regret it, if I had not canceled, I would not have had the experience with the yogi-architect ✭  Anyway, we had a great conversation and are going out later this week.  He seems really sweet, and really alive- plus he is in a band and covers some of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs.  Not to mention he has the holy trinity of attraction: crooked teeth, dimples, and over 6’0.

I *did* have tea with the yogi-architect from Valentines Day.  He is also a rocket scientist (not joking) and lives both in NYC and LA, which has been my ultimate dream life for some time.  I really enjoyed his company and would love to see him again.  He has a great smile and green eyes that sparkled some when I amused him.  Now, factually: he was an hour late (he did call, and I was late too)  and when I left, he gave me a soft hug and said something very ambiguous like ‘we’ll be in touch’- so I’m not holding my breath.  I probably talked too much; and too much about myself at that.  However empowered I may currently be, I also understand that it’s his move now.

Who knows what the day will bring.  The sun is shining in Brooklyn and I’m going to bring my a-game to the book store and the coffee shop, see if I can’t charm a fella or two.  Reminding myself right now that the object is not to get a date, but just to exercise the muscle of communicating my attraction.

Day 2: 2/15/14 Ice Hockey: You Miss 100% of the shots you don’t take

Maybe you heard, the American ice hockey team defeated the Russians in Sochi today (yesterday?  Wtf time is it in Sochi?).  Internationally this is a big deal because, well, it’s the Olympics… and the Cold War… and the 1980 Olympics… you get it; in my life this is a big deal because I come from a family of ice hockey players.  My step-dad and my 3 brothers all play ice hockey year round and are super serious NHL fans, specifically, Toronto Maple Leafs and the LA Kings.  We are French Canadian too.

My family happened to be in the city, and I planned to meet up with them in the afternoon/evening to go to a hockey party, where I was going to meet my daily quota and mac it to some sexy Ice King.  Seriously, hockey men are hot! They are fierce and strong as hell and often have no idea just how irresistible they are with their rosy cheeks and sweaty hair.  In my limited experience, I also find them to have a certain sincerity and shyness that is endearing- especially given how brutishly they behave on the ice.  Meow!

We spent the afternoon at MoMA- I don’t think I have ever been to a museum with my parents before, and talking about art with them is a little strained because I can be really intense about it and they are sort of simple and surface-y about it.  No matter.  I did make some eyes with some cuties at the museum, chatted it up with an artist I met there, but didn’t make the moment for day 2 mission to pop off.

Wearing leather pants with wild hair and a heavily lined eye is nothing in NYC, but for the hockey players at this party, and my mother, it may have been a bit novel since many came from Canada and upstate New York regions.  I was trying to stack the deck a bit given I knew something of the challenges I would face at the hockey party: my family men, a dozen tv’s, and an open bar with sliders and poutine.

This party was giving me anxiety.  There were like 6 men here, 5 of which are married, the other is my baby brother. I’m considering leaving early to use one of my really effective alternative strategies: Starbucks, a 12 step meeting, or the L train.  I notice my oldest brother coming up the stairs and suddenly my huntress focus sharpens and brightens: my brother brought his friend Sonny. The ladies of the stands refer to Sonny as ‘Yummy’ because it sort-of rhymes and he is edible in every way- sugary sweet, chivalrous, 6’4 and pure lean muscle with paws that could crush a skull and the face of… Michael Bolton.  Trust me, it works.  Family members had mentioned Yummy to me before, trying to set my sights on him, but I was here, he was there, I was still rolling around with my former lover, it was the wrong time.  Tonight felt right, and I tried to give Yummy the signals when we spoke- we hugged, I was smiley, interested in him, but it appeared that I scared the shit out of him.

For the record I am not giving up on him, nor am I giving up on my office building crush, nor Michael Fassbender.

As the party filled out to a more respectable number, there was another man I feasted my eyes on but I seemed invisible to him.  I had about an hour before I had to meet a friend and was getting ready to leave so I could prowl over at the Most Beautiful Home Depot in the World on 23rd St (genius!). While making my rounds of goodbyes, I was talking with some ladies about this project, and I mentioned that I had hoped to meet someone at the hockey party, but to no avail.  They both nodded toward Yummy.  I gave them the gurrrrl shrug, and noticed that the person next to me at the bar was the man I mentioned earlier.  I looked at them and nodded toward him with a question and they smiled back and nodded, so I just about-faced and started talking to him. (Take note of all that non-verbal girl-code!)(also note the importance of not overthinking the action!) It was not a graceful entrance, but we definitely had some sparks and he was very cute with a sexy hockey scar above his eyebrow.  We kind of asked each other out and replied yes at the same time, ADORBS! And then we both had to leave.  I think this still counts as me asking out someone who I was certain was out of reach, even if he was asking me out simultaneously. I hope he recorded my phone number correctly!  As I was exiting the bar and floating through the crowd, I noticed that almost all of them turned to look at me, reflecting back that light I could feel swirling out from behind my eyes.  In a small, secret way, I was moved and inspired by myself- and that is magic.  Back to Earth, I noticed the irony of the song that was playing as I left:

Let this not be an ominous foreshadow!

Honestly I don’t know how it would happen that my first 2 days were so charmed, though I suspect it has something to do with chemistry in me that has changed as a result of feeling invigorated by this challenge. It’s no secret that confidence is attractive, and doing this requires me to go into every situation with a confidence and an openness that I was not emanating before.  Friends and family noticed something different about me, something radiating from the inside out.  I’m into it.  In talking with some friends this morning, I was reminded that every move we make in the direction of our dreams is reciprocated and supported by the universe- it’s energetic, it’s nature, it is just so.  So let it be.

xxx

Day 1: Valentine’s Day 2/14/14

Walking up 7th Avenue around 6pm, every 12th man was proudly managing a wrapped bouquet, often roses; many of them leaning into their hurried stride as they slopped through the midtown slush to present this offering of love to their sweeties.  Friday night, a break from the snow- people wearing red everywhere- the ESB glowing pink and a clear full Moon reigning high above us all.  Ladies bustling with their bags from Sephora and the signature raised redness of freshly threaded brows, getting ready to gear up for the biggest date night of the year.  If you were to hit pause at any moment you would be able to see the light and dark energies swirling like ink and filling the spaces like smoke: this is an oppositional evening! So much ‘love me, fuck me’ mixed with ‘love hurts, go fuck yourself’ and then the man shouting at the vendor ‘how will you stand before Allah if you don’t give me a hotdog?’!

There I am bouncing around in all of this, smiling and winking like a virgin on ecstasy, totally in my head thinking that I am running out of time and opportunity to fulfill my commitment to asking out one untouchable man today (and then to tell you all about it).  Moments before, when I left my office, I had totally blown a perfect opportunity to approach my office-building crush.  I was standing in the vestibule waiting for the ele, putting drops in my eyes and sighing as the door opens to reveal the King of Dreams with a co-worker in the lift.  I greet them, though I am aware I appear distressed as I am crying and sighing as I leave the office on Valentines Day.  I supposed I could have interrupted their conversation to let them know I was not actually crying, I am allergic to florescent lighting (shut up, it’s true) and then pushed up on that 6’4 hunkaburninglove with an exotic and unidentifiable accent, licking his face and meowing ‘miiiiiiine’… but I just couldn’t bear it.  This one is way way out of my league on a foxy day, but thank you very much to the universe for giving me that opportunity on the first day of this mighty challenge.  To be honest, that is actually the second opportunity that I squandered today- the other was this very sexy and very much younger man with big hands and a prominent nose who was playing peek-a-boo with me on the train.  It occurred to me that I might get up a few moments before my stop to approach him, but I just couldn’t muster the courage in the moment- discrediting myself as an object of his interest because I am so much older.  Jesus, based on the lack of confidence oozing out of those examples, I bet you can see why my friend encouraged me to do this!

Anyway, I figured third time is the charm, right?  And off I go to meet my gal pal for a mani-pedi and an 8pm yoga class, very much aware that time and opportunity are totally against me given the evening I have planned.  We decide that we will go to the book store to pick up some hotties after yoga.  Honestly, as I am typing this I am just… embarrassed by this strategy.  What ninnies we have become (though we are quite healthy and well-read).

We squeak into yoga class with a minute to spare, so I am forced to go way in the front next to the space heater and the harmonium.  As I turn to flip out my mat, the man behind me remarks ‘oh I bet I know why you chose that spot- closest to the heater!’ and I quickly say ‘no, actually I hate being by the heater but it’s the only space left!’ and he says ‘I will make room for you next to me’ and does so, as the teacher walks to the front of the room and says something about how nice it is to practice close to family.  Honestly, in all of this, I do not even see the man- I mean, I see him, but there is this like auto-override that happens sometimes when a man is so brilliantly attractive that my brain just disables perception.  It’s like a ‘don’t even think about it’ function, so I don’t notice and also don’t even try. That spontaneously strikes me as sad, like the examples above.  Hpmf.

I am a serious yoga student and a new-ish yoga teacher, and I align most deeply with the Bhakti tradition which is all about love and devotion.  I don’t make it to class as often as I wish, and I rarely get to practice at the yoga school we attended tonight, which has a very powerful place in my yogi-heart.  I say all this because really, once I sat on my mat, I am in that tantric space- wholly absorbed in my practice.  At some point I half-notice that the man next to me has a beautiful and (ah-hem) well proportioned body, as well as a strong practice, but it was like an interruption in my yogaborsption, and for the most part was unaware of my orientation to him as any different than the other 25 people in the room.  Mmmmmm, upon further inspection, that’s a lie: I did notice more than once that he was next to me and very attractive but I had actually categorized him as inaccessible to me.  Yes, yes, another pitiful commentary on my self esteem, you just shusshhh it.  Class ends and as we are cleaning up the props, the gentleman next to me says something I cannot hear, so I step closer to him and lean my ear toward his mouth and he repeats ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ which opens up a door that I so gracefully walked right through, why- you would have applauded had you witnessed this.  We were smiling a talking and getting to know each other, he starts to come more into focus, which starts making me a little nervous which is demonstrated by my fast talking.  Adonis mentions that he just moved here from LA, so I welcome him to New York and ask IF HE WOULD LIKE TO GET TOGETHER FOR COFFEE OR A DRINK, MAYBE TO ROMP AROUND THE CITY, WALK THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE OR SOMETHING.  As it is happening I am not even sure who is speaking, but its my voice and that is the person I was just in a conversation with and I am jumping for joy on the inside because I did it!  Third time WAS a charm! And here is the even crazier, more unexpected part of the whole thing:  he says yes and I ask for his number.  There was more squealy-cuteness but who really cares about that anyway.  Oh wait, just one more thing: he is an architect.

While I am excited by this, I am also hyper aware that already something in me has kicked in (again) which is telling me I need to play THE GAME.  Like quick, remember all the good dating and chase advice you have heard or read, and better Amazon Prime that shit my friends were talking about last weekend, the masculine and the feminine energy stuff and The Rules and why men love bitchy bitches or something.  It’s amazing to me that right now I can see that it was my honesty and sincerity that got me that number in the first place, and that it will be my honesty and sincerity that will get me to the relationship I am ultimately seeking.  That I want to be who I am in order to attract someone who fits, not attract someone who is looking for the not-me that is being bought and sold around here. Not that I am disavowing the advice or information out there- I could not live if it were not for the loved ones and brave ones who share their experiences and insights.  I am going to try living from my wisest heart, and see what happens.

Just one thing I need to say here is that when my friend and I conjured up this little challenge, I did so with little to no expectation that it would yield many actual dates, though my other friend did say to me ‘it’s a game of numbers, of course you will get some dates’ which I think was meant to be encouraging… anyway the point is, that I was banking on having lots of quick and coquettish dumb-girl conversations with men where I would be rejected and then get to blame it on this writing project rather than some sincere wish or belief that someone so attractive would want to go out with me.  I remember saying to my co-conspirator that I would have to invent some kind of a character to be able to pull this off- he thought that was VERY insightful, that I thought I had to be someone different than who I am to get a date.  Ehhhh.  I just meant to protect myself from all the impending rejection, but I see his point.

Remarkably, just because of the shift in ME that happened in my excitement about this project, I was attracting people all day.  Human attraction.  Like the man who gave me his number on the walk to the train, and the woman who gave me her name and asked me to come back and see her, the cutie with the lipstick marks on his lips and cheeks who I photographed with me on the train, and all of the smiles and eye contacts… all of that love and beautiful human connection.  Earlier today I was sharing with some loved ones that where we find love (God) is in the love that we give to other people, because they reflect back to us the love and light (divinity) we shine upon them.  Today so much love and curiosity and present-ness was reflected right back at me, because that is was I brought to this day.

Acceptance or rejection aside, my commitment to this project is way bigger now, because today I got some evidence: I experienced so much connection to others and joi de vive as a result of living powerfully, from my heart, and being less afraid to let my love light shine.

It’s 3:21am, if I stay up this late until May 25th I will be hella tired.

Happy Valentines Day.  Until tomorrow, this very sexy sweet poem by ee cummings.  delight, delight xxx