Days 44 & 45: The Switch

 

Changing up the Match profiles appears to have had an effect. Of the 4 men I engaged over the weekend, I have coffee/drink dates with 2 of them this week, the other 2 are not vibing on me and that is just fine.  There have been a bunch of emails and winks from nice men that I probably will not respond too, but the action is validating.  Feels like I am getting a little closer to the target, most of the time.  Sometimes it feels like I’m just learning.

Saturday morning I was on my way into the city and there were hundreds, I mean literally hundreds of people at the subway station waiting for shuttle buses because they are doing work in the tunnels again.  This has been going on periodically since January- and even though I am of course happy that they are making the trains safe and clean and preparing us for future hurricanes and stuff, it has also been a huge pain in my ASS mostly because I am rarely on time.  I’ve figured out that I can skip the shuttle and just take the train further east to transfer in on another line- that other line happens to be the L (love train!) which is full of cutie Brooklyn boys of all types, which is a great way to start the day.

I was standing there on the pole, heh heh, sipping my juice and tuned into miPod, when the doors open and in walks this young man who looks like a cross between Yasin Bey and Will Smith, wearing those Malcom X glasses, so tall, so yummy.  I notice this older woman on the train look him up and down like she is a leopard and he is an antelope, smiling to herself, admiring him- which was awesome.  He stops at my pole, places his hand directly under mine and gives me a smile.  DIMPLES.  Oi.  He seems a lot younger than me so I figured I would just do like Leopard Lady and enjoy him while he is before me.  More people enter the train and he swings a little closer to me, I fit perfectly at his armpit nook.  Because I am always carrying just a little too much crap with me, I have to use my nose to flip the lid on my juice cup and got some juice on my chin (don’t judge me).  I look up at the young man and he is watching me as I wipe the beet juice off my chin (on to my sleeve) and smile at him.  This is a real Tina Fey moment.  It then occurred to me that I probably also had juice on my nose, so I am wiping off the entire visage with my sleeve while noticing just how tall and handsome my pole sharer is.  He’s not looking at me anymore, he is typing something on his phone.  My cat-like face cleaning stops and I resume my cool.  Jesus.  He surreptitiously looks at me from under his eyes and passes me his phone, which I take in my hands.  In his notes, he has written:

“You are metal and I am a magnet all I want to do is get closer to you.  You are so beautiful.  [his Name, phone number]”

YO, THAT IS MY MOVE!  Sort of 😉  It is pretty smooth and he is really cute; I am totally blushing and we are smiling at each other in that sweet way, swinging a little on the pole like kids would.  I type back something like

“Thank you!  You are gorgeous, I am so flattered. We should meet for a drink sometime [my name, phone number]”

Then we have this slow motion geek series of moments, where we kind of smile at each other and look away, look back and smile, nod, look away- it didn’t make any sense.  I took off my headphones, smiled at him and he removed his then we spoke like humans do.  He tells me that he grew up in Bed Stuy and comes from the streets and nobody in his life has called him gorgeous before.  He asks what I am up to for the day, tells me he is going to help a friend assemble a crib- he likes to help out, smoke some stuff and build shit.  It is not his baby, he does not have any babies.  I ask him if he is of the mind to read the instructions or will he just figure it out.  “Both,” he replies. Then, leaning in to me “Can you follow instructions?”  Ah-hem. He is a straight talker, asks me when was the last time I was really satisfied…  It’s not even 9:30 in the morning.  Tells me that he takes great care of his body (clearly) and that he is very sexually talented and doesn’t understand why women aren’t demanding more satisfaction from their men.

“You got a man?” he asks, I lie and say “Yes, but it’s cool, we have an open arrangement.”  He wants to know about me, what I do, what I like to do- we find common ground in poetry.  He is about to get off the train and tells me that he wants to have that drink, and that he will send me some poetry during the day.  He may have kissed me on the cheek, then he exited the train, turned and gave me a wave.

Whoa.

He did send me poetry, and it is very, very good.  I love it.

That said, obviously this man has got some game.  I won’t make assumptions about what that means, but I’m not so sure I am going to move forward with what he is offering.  My instincts tell me it is not yet safe to do so, and I will heed them.  A friend of mine (the one who I am always quoting for you) said to a group of us last week:

“Imagine that tomorrow night you are going to go to a party and there you are going to meet the person of your dreams, the one that you have been waiting and hoping for and he is totally available and ready to go, you just have to answer one question.  That question is:  what did you do yesterday?”

He then went on to say that the way that we live when we are single and dating really does matter.   So many people, myself included, think that because we are single we can be really causal about who we are sleeping with… And yeahhhh, sure you can.  Of course.  The truth is that ALL of our behavior, especially sexual, reflects our values, how we feel about ourselves, and who we are.  Maybe the way that I conduct myself sexually when single should reflect how I would be if I were in a relationship.  Or that I should regard the person I am sexing with the consideration that this could very well turn out to be my life-partner and the last person I sleep with for the rest of my life.  I shook my head and scoffed at most of this, but it is lingering around in my thoughts and in my heart I am aware that if ultimately, who I am looking for is that partner, I might be helpful to act as if that person is already here.

I have a lot to think about.  I know, I know.  There is no right or wrong, no formula for any of this.  I have to be in the moment living it, spiritually connected and honest.

I have been following astrologer/writer Eric Francis for about 20 years now.  His website is planetwaves.net where you can access his current work and archives for a fee.  I have found that his writings are free in some places, too, though for many years I did pay to have direct access to his website and publications.  I sometimes geek out on astrology. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.  I am thinking about it now because what Eric wrote about us Gems this month has everything to do with what I just wrote about, and with the themes that have been coming us vis-a-vis what kind of relationship do I want, who do I want to BE in that relationship, and what kind of person do I want to be in relationship with.  Check out what he wrote:

“You need your own personal code, your way of life, that is distinct from anything that was ever imposed on you, and which depends on what you have learned from all your travels. Most of all your guide to living must be informed by the outcomes that you want, measured not so much in material things as in the form of ethics, cooperation, the value you place on your relationships, and most of all, the value you place on the future. These are things that count, and the things I suggest you keep right at the front of your mind, every step you take.”

Aayyyyye.

Now you can read what he wrote about you:

http://www.eomega.org/learning-paths/body-mind-spirit/planet-waves-horoscopes-april-2014-horoscopes

Beyonce is my Spirit Creature this month.  Be your Bey, xxx

 

 

 

 

Days 30 & 31: The Real Thing

It was just a matter of time before this happened.  I’m surprised it took so long.

My heart was stolen by a(nother) gay man.

This man showed up twice in my world today.  The first time I saw him I thought ‘Wow, his light is so so bright’ and wanted to know him immediately.  Such a strikingly beautiful and evenly proportioned man- stylish, groomed, fit- articulate, lovely, kind.  We were in a meeting together, and I really wanted to speak to him after but got caught up doing other things and he slipped away.  Lo and befuckinhold, the same man happened to be at a meeting I went to later this evening- it was spooky, really.  Spooky in the good way, the way that keeps happening this week.  I must have Neptune floating through my house of romance or something.  I did learn of his preference before popping the question, but the honest truth is he is the one my sights set on today.  I did not ask him out (haha! I might!) but we exchanged big warm muscular yummy hugs and found it wild to see each other for the first time twice in the same day. It seemed obvious to me from the moment that I saw him that there was something very special that we were supposed to exchange- I’m excited to meet him.

He is not the first gay man I have wanted to ask out- in fact, I was super hot for a very good friend of mine for the first few weeks of our courtship.  I was unsure until one day I saw him greeting some of the other girls (gay men) with lip kisses.  Later in our friendship he asked me not to be physically affectionate with him in public because I was cock-blocking him.  He realizes that his preference is maybe a little ambiguous.

I think I may just be so hermaphroditic in my energy and preferences that it doesn’t always seem so obvious to me.  It also would not be far off to say that I can be a little… oblivious, spacey, naive.

It’s been a couple of days since I have written because I’ve been a little… distracted.  I ended up meeting The One Who Got Away (Days 26, 27) for coffee the other day- Wednesday? Yes, two days ago. I also saw him last night. I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this at all, but he lives happily in a non-monogamous/polyamorous Lifestyle.

Beetlejuice, man.

Earlier this year, I was deep in consideration about the Lifestyle because my former lover (see Day 10) and I started discussing some pretty serious stuff.  I was of the position, for years actually, that he and I might consider being primary partners in a polyamorous lifestyle.  At that time, I did not think that ‘not us’ was an option- in fact, I thought we had stood the test of time over any of our other partners and that we were always going to figure out how to remain lovers.  Really.  I thought that one day I would meet someone else that I would want to be in a relationship with and would be trying to figure out how I would explain this other relationship in my life, how much I would be asking of someone to accept that I have this long term lover that I would like to maintain a relationship with. Relief from this inquiry was one of many ways I saw the end of our relationship as a liberation, God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Then there was the Columbian (see Day 7) and all of the wide-eyed excitement I felt about the spiritual/creative expansion available through the polyamorous experience; I have long believed there to be an unlocking quality to “unconventional” sexual relationships (see Day 5). I’ve had a lot of questions and thoughts about this for a long time.  Earlier in my life, it was this heart question about loving people well- like, if I really love someone, wouldn’t I want everyone to see and experience all that is lovable about them, and to communicate that loveability (thats not a word is it) to them so they can feel awesome all the time?  Following that thought, contemplating how to really live out that idea, it’s all about communication: if we are living with the fear of losing each other to someone else in front of us, then it wont seep in and poison the relationship with jealousy and fear and all that crazy shit that comes along with it.  Or maybe if non-monogamy means we don’t have to fear anything in this regard- that instead, we can live beyond it.

I don’t know.

I’ve been cheated on, too- and that shit sucks.  In the past I have been possessive, jealous, and controlling of partners and lovers.  I have seen infidelity destroy love like a hand grenade-  perfectly wonderful people who love each other and build big awesome lives together, all of it, disappears in a flash because someone fucks around.  Seems like entering into relationships with the expectation that someone is never going to get down with anyone else is somewhat unrealistic. Is it? We all decide that for ourselves.  I’m for a love that frees us and part of that might just mean freeing us to evolve in ways that include sexuality.  Don’t think this doesn’t scare me in places I don’t even understand.  And yes, I get this *might be the privileged perspective of a single woman.

Whatever, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.  I’m sure you do too.

SO, back to TOWGA… he is not available for a relationship in the conventional sense.  I asked him directly “Are you inviting me into The Lifestyle or are you inviting me into Your Life?” and obviously the answer was a little of both, but mostly the former.  I wanted to get my expectations aligned from the jump because honestly I was up for either- would love to date him with this magnetic and enthralling added layer, would also love to just have some fun, check out the Lifestyle.  He explained to me that while there are many people in the Community who are more polyamorous- like, in serious primary relationships and have romantic/sexual other relationships- that he is not currently into that.  He has many female friends, and he has sex with many of them.  Regularly.  He also loves to attend these sex parties (? I’m not sure that’s what we call them, I will have to study the terms, learn the language)(I ordered some literature) and meet people there to have some sex with.  He could not be happier with his sex-positive, drama-free lifestyle- he gets to have lots of sex with lots of beautiful women, he has great times with great friends, he is living the dream.  Just a note that there could not be a more attractive man “inviting” women into the community.  He’s fucking dreamy in every way.

That said, he offered to bring me to a party. YES, please bring me to a party.  The timing couldn’t be better, given that I am still committed to this project for another 2 months.  I have done so much of the internal work healing and letting go of maladaptive shit and learning how to love and be in functional relationships- it’s really time to experiment with that out in the world.  I just see it as an offering- like, here is a way for me to become more free and more real.  More exactly me; knowing what I want and how to communicate that.  The more free and real I am, the more I will attract people who are actually attracted to ME- encouraging and accepting of what makes me happy, what helps me grow and heal.  I told him and I will tell you that I have thought about little other than this since he and I had coffee Wednesday, and that it feels like my skull is too tight for all of the thinking my brain is doing.  If the creative, sexual, and spiritual energy are the same root source- which I believe they are- I’m so so ready for this deep dive.  Might just blow my mind.

Might make for some very interesting boudoir stories.

Could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…

xxx

Day 5: From the Boudoir: Under My Thumb

From February 2013…  He found me on an on line dating site and recognized me from a group of mutual friends.  His first message made me blush because he wrote that he had been mildly distracted by me and wanted to explore a relationship, if I was interested. I had noticed him in our circle as well, and was very attracted to his classic punk rock style, head full of thick gray hair framing his deep blue eyes that were lined by so many eyelashes he appeared to be wearing black mascara.  His on line profile was mostly about his sexual preferences and specific appetite for domination.  At the time, I didn’t really want a boyfriend but was really into the idea of having a dom- someone to take care of many of my needs without having to get caught up in the other demands of a relationship. I let him know, directly, that I was interested in negotiating this kind of relationship, and we set a date.

The 36 hours leading up to our date, we were in almost constant contact via text and email, mostly he was describing to me in explicit and colorful ways all of the things he wanted to do to me, assessing my boundaries, lighting up the places that kept me confined in  limited sexual expression, places I was outgrowing by the second.  I liked that he told me what to do; I loved how badly he wanted me.  I spent those hours in such a heightened state of arousal that it was impossible to concentrate on anything other than this power he was asserting over me.  Domination is a skill; submission begins as a subtle state.  Under strict instructions not to touch myself, my dom would do things like call me and ask ‘how do you feel about a choke collar with a taut chain leading down the back to a butt plug?’ and disallowed one word responses- he wanted to know how I felt about it sexually and what came up emotionally.  By the time I set out to meet him, I was completely under his spell, and I was terrified/more turned on than ever before by what this relationship might bring.

Bundled in winters coat and scarf, I bound down the block toward seventh avenue, snowflakes catching in my eyelashes, clouds of breath suspending then evaporating in front of my face; heart beating louder as I moved closer to the corner, searching to find him.   He came into view, caught and held my eyes, moving with the surety of a gladiator toward me.  I lifted my hand in a limp and fearful wave as he closed in on me. Choreographed like a dancer, in a sequence of moves synchronized and lasting no more than 3 seconds, he removed one of his earbuds, placed it in my ear and with the same hand grabbed my face and pulled my mouth to his, his other arm wrapping and folding me against him, a mash of tongues and lips and sex points pressing under the snow, the Rolling Stones performing “Under My Thumb” in our ears.