This has been the week of a hundred thousand thoughts but not a single tail or loose thread to pull so I could unravel it all and show you what has been happening up in there. I’m exhausted and I had an evening coffee so here it is 2am and I’m awake, awake. Lucky you.
I began reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown this week after a mini-bender on Amazon (holla Prime!). You may remember her very famous Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability (<—- click that if you do not)(I just learned how to code links so no more copy/paste web addresses!!). Maybe you want to have a first or second look- it may be insightful. I wouldn’t gush that I loooove her or the book but I appreciate the discussion and some of the practical action/suggestions she makes. There are a few things going on in my life, personally and professionally, that Dr Brown’s work sheds light on, in a rip-open-the-drapes-to-the-midday-sun kind of way. The book specifically focuses on Brené’s research on shame. Becomes clearer all the time how influential shame is in my life… Synchronicity is a funny thing when you’re a meaning-seeking little story teller with a spiritual bent, like me.
Gosh, life can be so very tricky sometimes. Grateful for that which helps us grow and shine right through it.
Speaking of resources, a friend sent me a Tracy McMillan article from the Huffington Post that got my haunches up a bit. It was titled “Why You’re Not Married (<–)” ; then I went on to read another article from her written in the same voice about being a female Peter Pan(<–). It wasn’t until I watched the video at the bottom of the first article that it dawned on me I had read one of her books last year- and I remember feeling mostly meh– about it. The articles are a little touchy, she is brave to write the things that she does, but brave does not equal correct- these really are inflammatory statement pieces. She does comment that she is delivering these “truths” in the spirit of generosity and wanting to help people, but, where I come from? Truth without love is cruel. It might make it more sophisticated and articulate to criticize… eh. Who cares. You read it, lemme know what you think.
It’s good timing for this all to be swimming around in my head because I have decided, after some setbacks, fresh starts & tipping points, that I am circling the wagons and getting some shit together.
Deep Sleep by Logan Hicks
I can barely stand myself anymore in a couple of key areas- the subject of this dumb blog being one of the top 2- so this may turn into one of those detox rants for a few weeks or so, like Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing… ha, if only I could write something to compare to that masterpiece of what it is like to desire/resist/succumb over and over and over only to understand the truth about that suffering is really about God… oh Leonard, how I need you now. I… oh God, where do I even start? All I will say is that I have had the devastating gift of having a love with the force of all the Earth’s oceans wash over me in the past couple weeks and… well, I can’t have him. He is living a version of the dream, with a woman- and their child. Don’t get freaked out and judgey, not a single shady thing happened between us at all and he is admirable and respectful in every way- and I am too. Love is like that.
I am left with this surge of anger and demand, however, shaking my fist at the sky and being like whaaaat the fuck—… No really. What the fuck. Between the one I love & can’t have, and my swinger/lover (who is also in many ways a platonic ideal, but doesn’t want a girlfriend so that ‘goes nowhere’), I am feeling pret-ty sorry for myself and like I have been dicked out of something that is most valuable to me. It occurred to me briefly this evening, after walking back from a stolen moment, that perhaps there is a larger message in this: because that’s what I do to make sense of the difficult things of my life, I seek to learn and grow from them… OR THERE IS NOT A STUPID LARGER MESSAGE AT ALL AND THIS IS JUST SOME STRAIGHT UP LIFE SHIT THAT IS UNFAIR. Fuck you rainbows. Fuck you karma.
Even if a part of me is angry and sad, I remain mostly deeply grateful. Grateful to be awake and to love like this.
So I am dropping this old shell and swimming my naked lobster ass out to sea to grow a newer, bigger one to accommodate all this growth, and/or the changes that are happening, now. Older lobsters must be the humungous mutant ones. Good timing for this sort of introspection, given Mercury retrograde beginning in 4 hours(<–).
And just in time, today- I discover Sharon Van Etten. Rocked me. Every song an anthem. Like this one:
There is a little disclaimer I overlooked early on which is that I get the banality of this project and I know it is almost insultingly stupid given some of the awful realities that people are facing and things that I could be talking about. It is excessively self indulgent and silly so I must say both sorry and thank you for reading this or caring about me or ma vie d’amour. So, sorry! Thanks!
There is a meta-meditation out of the Buddhist tradition that I have been practicing consciously these past few days out of a kind of dizzying psychic tremor which has left me so very aware of how much pain people are in. It started a couple days ago when I met a saintly older man who had recently lost his daughter to suicide. I felt my heart swell up to fill my entire ribcage when he told the story about coming out to her a few years ago (he had been a closeted gay man married with kids for decades) and her response to him was something about loving him as a complete package, not just parts of him. The space around him was so available for others to step in and grieve, as if in his magnitude he was offering to take and hold on to all of our hurts. The meditation practice is to inhale the pain and suffering of others, and exhale your love and light.
And so, for days, but most especially tonight:
(Inhale) give me some of your hurt, I can hold it;
pause;
(Exhale) please accept my finest love and my brightest light.
There. 🙂 I hope that love light reaches you, wherever you are!
This afternoon I stumbled into my chiropractors waiting room and was immediately greeted by a warm and handsome smile of a man who I *think I saw there yesterday as well. The head chiropractor was sitting next to him going over his treatment plan and he kept looking up at me and smiling, as if he was checking to see if I was still there and so happy to find out that I was. That’s an awesome way to feel when someone attractive is looking at you and smiling. The doctor got up and left, leaving us to just sit there smiling at each other. Incidentally, on the TV above his head was an awful Nat Geo moment of 2 seals attacking each other. Amazing. Here is the conversation we had:
Smiles: “Are you feeling any better today?”
Me: (shrug) “Sure, or I am on my way to feeling better. How are you feeling?”
Smiles: “That’s right, you just have to stay positive, keep a real positive outlook. I feel amazing- ever since I started coming here, such a turn around, 100% better.”
Me: “Oh I am so happy to hear that! Yes, you’re totally right- being positive is the only way”
The doctor returns and calls him up to the desk so he can collect paperwork and schedule the next visit. He stands up and walks to the desk, dressed in classic gray sweats, tall, muscular, he’s got that Brooklyn style sensibility that is so so attractive- the kind of clothes worn in such a way that you just want to take them off. While he talks with the doctor and receptionist, he continues to look over at me and smile.
Me: “So, do you live in Brooklyn?”
Smiles: “Yes I sure do. Do you live in Brooklyn?”
Me: “I do! What part are you in?”
Smiles: “Flatbush. What about you?”
Me: “Oh, Flatbush? We are neighbors, I’m in Bed Stuy.”
Smiles: “Oh really? Well, nice to meet you, neighbor.”
Me: “Yes, nice to meet you too! We should…”
Smiles: “… meet sometime in the neighborhood for a drink?”
Me: “Yes, that’s what I was thinking.”
Smiles: “Me too, let me give you my number.”
And he gives me his number, we introduce ourselves, shake hands. As he leaves he looks over his shoulder and smiles at me again asking me to call him soon to set up that drink. Of course, of course. From his glasses and smile, to that BK swagger, to his overt interest in and attraction to me- I liked all of it. OK, so, technically, he did the asking, but I was moving in that direction, clearly, so- we have a tie. I did not call him yet, but I will tomorrow.
Yesterday I had dinner with my polyamorist friend and that was lovely and delicious, just like he is. I have been reading The Ethical Slut and appreciating the insights and tips for beginners in the Lifestyle. I brought it to his attention and he said that it was a good introduction. We talked a bit about parties and fantasies. Sadly, I was unavailable when he invited me to a party a couple weeks ago. We have had some scheduling challenges. He explained to me a little more about how people behave at parties, and how to meet people to act out/fulfill fantasies with. It’s all very interesting.
At one point I discovered a scar on his chest and after he told me the story of it he asked if I had any interesting scars. In my mind I thought ‘none on the outside’ but I spared him my drama and just said ‘no, not yet!’ The thing that I am tripping on, just the littlest bit, is that because I know he is unavailable and I do not want to get confused about that, I am finding myself a little shut down around him to the point of not really being able to be satisfied sexually- like, I’m not really able to connect because I have powered down the whole grid in an effort to protect myself and also not push him away should I have any feelings. This suuuuuuucks. I’m hoping it goes away. I mean, look- I am tryyyying to learn how to be fond of someone, express that in appropriate ways, but not have any expectation or attachment. And I am actually doing it well, I think; this thing is not a thing for me, and the only way I know of, at this time, to keep it that way is to not invite him into my heart and not initiate any more dates. He can initiate, he can call it. I don’t think the solution is to discuss it with him- it is definitely in the realm of my processes and I’m grateful to be so awake in this but it does feel a little… hard for me to navigate. I do not want to hide or deny my affection for this man, but I am; and I have picked up on what feels like a tightness, a distaste if the conversation turns emotive. That’s a shame, because I feel like that’s the best thing I have to offer. He has got this down- he is affectionate, polite, considerate, open, charming, generous- and completely energetically unavailable, there is nothing for me to plug into. I’ve probably got some decisions to make about this- it might be untrue to ME, my soul, my blue; AND I have absolutely had some yucky experiences with dissociation and sex and I don’t want to make love like that any more in this body. Aye. And Yay! Here’s a quote from The Ethical Slut that feels apropos:
When you find yourself worrying about how you may be seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract somebody who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is somebody who is excited about somebody who isn’t you. When you are honest, you attract people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.
A couple of weeks ago I was in a seminar and I noticed a vibrant and beautiful woman. She would go out of her way to smile at me, would place her hand on my shoulder when walking by. At first I thought she was just friendly and sweet and then she sat down in front of me and I was able to take in more of her. She is a one-punch knock out, tall and curvy, big brown eyes, Columbian. I have a thing for Columbians apparently. We had some energy flying between us and when it was time for a break, she and I went for a walk to grab a coffee.
I was totally into her from the jump, and I could tell she liked me too, but I wasn’t sure how this would be, really. Something about the obvious attraction between us was obfuscated, in shadow- hidden from me. We enjoyed that coffee; our time together was close, energetic, echoing. When we got back, we exchanged numbers and I texted her the next day to follow up with her about a project I knew she was working on. She said, “I would love to get together with you to talk with you more about it” to which I replied quickly with my availability. We set up a date a week in advance, and that date was tonight.
She thoughtfully chose a veg-friendly restaurant and we met for dinner. I was feeling/looking a little frumpy today because my back is still jacked and I had just come from the chiropractor. She rolls in looking like a super model, effortlessly beautiful, tall and radiant. This may be the moment I realized that we might be on a date. I’m pretty sure that was a date. And if it was not, well then I gotta jump on getting her to go on a date with me. She made it very clear to me that she dates both men and women. In discussing her recent struggles, she gave me with her exact location in life, her vulnerability endears her to me. We had a beautiful evening and I can hardly wait to really put it on her the next time, so there will be NO ambiguity about whether this is a date or not.
Funny thing though, when we were checking out- I had a really surprising exchange of innuendo with the man who came to take our check. He had a lot of power there, luckily I was so into my date that I didn’t push it, but I could have. She loved watching him and I flirt, she liked my way with him. I would have liked to have my way with him for sure; I liked how she handled that. I’m not sure that this fits as asking someone out (I did ask her for that coffee) or having a date and therefor letting myself off the hook for kicking it to anyone- it is both and it is the only story I have today! I’m sleep-writing this, let me go- and again fingers and toes are crossed, light the love candles on your altar, because I have a date scheduled with my musician friend Friday (day 45). Feels like forever away.
PS there is some crazy shit happening in the sky tonight. Big full moon lunar eclipse, a grand water trine AND the long awaited Cardinal Cross.
I can’t tell you exactly what all that means but I can say this: the big message is about letting go. My friend emailed me and wrote of this astrology, “changes are accelerating as of now!” so I will leave you with that. Just stay hydrated and honest and you will be just fine.
I, will most likely just be exhausted from all this romancing 😉 let it accelerate, tho- I am ready.
Please excuse me for taking so long to write again. I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica. I really feel elderly when I say that. Sighhh. But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.
I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line. I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while. It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for. Shit, I had some good lines in there! Check this one out:
“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”
What an asshole!
So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh. I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery. That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people. I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not. I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them. Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.
There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.
After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes. I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them. Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too. Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one! 2 of them visited my profile. Ahhh, Match life.
It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time. In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun. I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get. One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable. Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.
If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them. I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works. And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great. Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.
One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards. I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.
It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry: “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”
Details below!
Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread
1. How you have come to your present situation or focus: V The Sage
Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power. Ancient knowledge will guide you. Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person. Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.
2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart. The bridge you need to cross:7 of Coins
A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished. A warning not to stop for too long. Time, reflection, self study. The payoff will come later. A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved. Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’. As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. Act.
3. The foundation or root of the issue:5 of Wands
Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!
A conflict fueled by creative differences. A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings. Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony. You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want. It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.
4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:Princess/Page of Swords
A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others. An idealist. Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown. Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind. May seem secretive to others. The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.
5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.
Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once. Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent. She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness. Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her. BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.
6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle:8 of Wands
The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration. Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon. Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static. Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery. Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.
7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation:XX Liberation
Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation. A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation. Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you. Making choices without blaming oneself or others. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.
8. Family and significant others, how you are perceived:6 of Cups
Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards. Carry what is good from the past into the present situation. The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place. Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.
9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative:King of Coins
A powerful man, financial or business leader. A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money. He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising. Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.
10. Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation:7 of Cups
Many elements or choices presented to the seeker. A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes. Imagination and vision. Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement. As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.
11. Gift, guide, hidden factor:10 of Wands
Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity. A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects. Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs. We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship. People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.
Riding the subway home, not terribly late- reading Henry and June by Anais Nin. This is one hell of a book. I looked up and saw a man, made space for him next to me- he was young and striking and had really incredible thick thighs. Tall, light eyed, hair like Magnum PI. Tentative. At first I was sure this was my moment for the question of the day. Glancing at him in my periphery, I just wasn’t so sure- but clearly I need the practice. So I reluctantly put down Anais and turned to him, friendly smile: “Are you on your way out or coming home?” On his way home from the restaurant where he works. We talked for a bit- he is 6 months in NYC from Minnesota. A very very young 26, but so sweet. After talking with him, I did not want to ask him out at all. I wanted to make him a sandwich and help him with his homework, you know?
Nonetheless, we got off the train and I noticed when he lengthend out he is a well constructed man- he looks like he has been working on a farm for his whole life. We laugh a bit, walk a ways together, I’m still not gonna do it- I just can’t. I notice his wet mouth, his teeth, those thighs- he is at least 6’0 and walking closer to me. I am seeing a little twinkle in his eyes and I chose not to walk with him to his street even though it could have been on my way, if I took a different way than I usually go. I said sweetly ‘Ok, I’m going to dip here hon” and he stopped and said ‘Oh? It was so nice to meet you…” I said ” you too!” and walked my ass home.
That counts, right? If it was earlier in the day, I would have tried again I swear. I was actually on my way home from a date with someone from Match (days 24 & 25). It was fun- we have a lot in common and strangely share some interesting history though we have not met before. I know that this man wants something serious, that he wants kids- both from his profile and early conversations. He made me laugh a lot, I could tell he liked me very much. I will go out with him again but I have no feelings about it. Juuuuust trying to be open- people tell me that sometimes someone grows on you, that people can be nervous or intimidated at first which I empathize with. Like many of you, and historically, I know immediately or within 3 minutes of knowing someone if I want to get with them or not. And when I don’t, so far, I never end up do-ing. If I try to, it always ends awkwardly, people get hurt and I feel guilty for experimenting with my openness to new experiences and new pathways to love on his time and investment. Shit, I might have to cancel… let me see after the next date.
I mean, I was wrong-ish about the architect (day 1) though if I am honest with you completely I will say I had some reservations from the start. They played themselves out quickly. Dates 2-3 I was getting kind of hot for him, but when he told me he is moving back to California and wanted to talk to me about being broken hearted and anxious after a social network review of his most recent ex, my flower closed. Reverse bloom. I felt that repulsion I was afraid to feel with him (day 21) and I think the fear I felt was my intuition warning me. It’s OK. It did suck to let it die- he asked me out a couple of times and I was legitimately busy, but I didn’t try to make another plan with him. And finally I thought of how I would like to be treated, and if I was now the woman that I want to grow into, how would I behave?… so I confronted it head on yesterday and thanked him but said the truth which is that I am looking for something different. Maybe we will be friends. If we are just friends then maybe I won’t have any energy about his yoga head band 😉
And it became clear to me today that the something different I am looking for is definitely not the kind of arrangement I had with my former lover of 8 years (day 10). I mean, I knew that, but something happened today that triggered a reaction based on the fear, hurt and harm I brought upon myself in that old relationship. Not to be vague haha, there’s not anything specific to say- a fear and sadness washed over me this afternoon and as I was feeling it I was able to identify clearly that what I was feeling was not of the moment I was in- it was historical, it was old wide deep water. Bayou swamp shit. It’s just that I don’t want to feel fucking crazy like that again- and get myself into an intimate situation with someone who is unavailable, where I find myself crossing my inner lines, in hope, to please; where I get all delusional and my desire for someone’s attention and affection, and to win them- have them CHOOSE ME- becomes more powerful than my instincts and desire to be loved-loved. Not love-to-be-fucked loved. It does not feel like a lie for me to want to have the experiences of non-monogamy, polyamory, and sexual vibrancy and freedom. I’m so so in- and I’m even ready for this stuff that is going to come up. Old ideas, in service of the ego, are only interested in their own survival. I was a feelings worshipper for so goddamn long that the super-ordination of this higher self- which now observes the feelings, triages them into categories then applies exploration, compassion and action- is just taking some getting used to. That and there were many years of my life that I did not love myself like this and was unable to want the Highest Love for myself. Now it feels like anything else, from friend lover or otherwise, just won’t do.
It was just a matter of time before this happened. I’m surprised it took so long.
My heart was stolen by a(nother) gay man.
This man showed up twice in my world today. The first time I saw him I thought ‘Wow, his light is so so bright’ and wanted to know him immediately. Such a strikingly beautiful and evenly proportioned man- stylish, groomed, fit- articulate, lovely, kind. We were in a meeting together, and I really wanted to speak to him after but got caught up doing other things and he slipped away. Lo and befuckinhold, the same man happened to be at a meeting I went to later this evening- it was spooky, really. Spooky in the good way, the way that keeps happening this week. I must have Neptune floating through my house of romance or something. I did learn of his preference before popping the question, but the honest truth is he is the one my sights set on today. I did not ask him out (haha! I might!) but we exchanged big warm muscular yummy hugs and found it wild to see each other for the first time twice in the same day. It seemed obvious to me from the moment that I saw him that there was something very special that we were supposed to exchange- I’m excited to meet him.
He is not the first gay man I have wanted to ask out- in fact, I was super hot for a very good friend of mine for the first few weeks of our courtship. I was unsure until one day I saw him greeting some of the other girls (gay men) with lip kisses. Later in our friendship he asked me not to be physically affectionate with him in public because I was cock-blocking him. He realizes that his preference is maybe a little ambiguous.
I think I may just be so hermaphroditic in my energy and preferences that it doesn’t always seem so obvious to me. It also would not be far off to say that I can be a little… oblivious, spacey, naive.
It’s been a couple of days since I have written because I’ve been a little… distracted. I ended up meeting The One Who Got Away (Days 26, 27) for coffee the other day- Wednesday? Yes, two days ago. I also saw him last night. I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this at all, but he lives happily in a non-monogamous/polyamorous Lifestyle.
Beetlejuice, man.
Earlier this year, I was deep in consideration about the Lifestyle because my former lover (see Day 10) and I started discussing some pretty serious stuff. I was of the position, for years actually, that he and I might consider being primary partners in a polyamorous lifestyle. At that time, I did not think that ‘not us’ was an option- in fact, I thought we had stood the test of time over any of our other partners and that we were always going to figure out how to remain lovers. Really. I thought that one day I would meet someone else that I would want to be in a relationship with and would be trying to figure out how I would explain this other relationship in my life, how much I would be asking of someone to accept that I have this long term lover that I would like to maintain a relationship with. Relief from this inquiry was one of many ways I saw the end of our relationship as a liberation, God doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Then there was the Columbian (see Day 7) and all of the wide-eyed excitement I felt about the spiritual/creative expansion available through the polyamorous experience; I have long believed there to be an unlocking quality to “unconventional” sexual relationships (see Day 5). I’ve had a lot of questions and thoughts about this for a long time. Earlier in my life, it was this heart question about loving people well- like, if I really love someone, wouldn’t I want everyone to see and experience all that is lovable about them, and to communicate that loveability (thats not a word is it) to them so they can feel awesome all the time? Following that thought, contemplating how to really live out that idea, it’s all about communication: if we are living with the fear of losing each other to someone else in front of us, then it wont seep in and poison the relationship with jealousy and fear and all that crazy shit that comes along with it. Or maybe if non-monogamy means we don’t have to fear anything in this regard- that instead, we can live beyond it.
I don’t know.
I’ve been cheated on, too- and that shit sucks. In the past I have been possessive, jealous, and controlling of partners and lovers. I have seen infidelity destroy love like a hand grenade- perfectly wonderful people who love each other and build big awesome lives together, all of it, disappears in a flash because someone fucks around. Seems like entering into relationships with the expectation that someone is never going to get down with anyone else is somewhat unrealistic. Is it? We all decide that for ourselves. I’m for a love that frees us and part of that might just mean freeing us to evolve in ways that include sexuality. Don’t think this doesn’t scare me in places I don’t even understand. And yes, I get this *might be the privileged perspective of a single woman.
Whatever, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject. I’m sure you do too.
SO, back to TOWGA… he is not available for a relationship in the conventional sense. I asked him directly “Are you inviting me into The Lifestyle or are you inviting me into Your Life?” and obviously the answer was a little of both, but mostly the former. I wanted to get my expectations aligned from the jump because honestly I was up for either- would love to date him with this magnetic and enthralling added layer, would also love to just have some fun, check out the Lifestyle. He explained to me that while there are many people in the Community who are more polyamorous- like, in serious primary relationships and have romantic/sexual other relationships- that he is not currently into that. He has many female friends, and he has sex with many of them. Regularly. He also loves to attend these sex parties (? I’m not sure that’s what we call them, I will have to study the terms, learn the language)(I ordered some literature) and meet people there to have some sex with. He could not be happier with his sex-positive, drama-free lifestyle- he gets to have lots of sex with lots of beautiful women, he has great times with great friends, he is living the dream. Just a note that there could not be a more attractive man “inviting” women into the community. He’s fucking dreamy in every way.
That said, he offered to bring me to a party. YES, please bring me to a party. The timing couldn’t be better, given that I am still committed to this project for another 2 months. I have done so much of the internal work healing and letting go of maladaptive shit and learning how to love and be in functional relationships- it’s really time to experiment with that out in the world. I just see it as an offering- like, here is a way for me to become more free and more real. More exactly me; knowing what I want and how to communicate that. The more free and real I am, the more I will attract people who are actually attracted to ME- encouraging and accepting of what makes me happy, what helps me grow and heal. I told him and I will tell you that I have thought about little other than this since he and I had coffee Wednesday, and that it feels like my skull is too tight for all of the thinking my brain is doing. If the creative, sexual, and spiritual energy are the same root source- which I believe they are- I’m so so ready for this deep dive. Might just blow my mind.
Might make for some very interesting boudoir stories.
From February 2013… He found me on an on line dating site and recognized me from a group of mutual friends. His first message made me blush because he wrote that he had been mildly distracted by me and wanted to explore a relationship, if I was interested. I had noticed him in our circle as well, and was very attracted to his classic punk rock style, head full of thick gray hair framing his deep blue eyes that were lined by so many eyelashes he appeared to be wearing black mascara. His on line profile was mostly about his sexual preferences and specific appetite for domination. At the time, I didn’t really want a boyfriend but was really into the idea of having a dom- someone to take care of many of my needs without having to get caught up in the other demands of a relationship. I let him know, directly, that I was interested in negotiating this kind of relationship, and we set a date.
The 36 hours leading up to our date, we were in almost constant contact via text and email, mostly he was describing to me in explicit and colorful ways all of the things he wanted to do to me, assessing my boundaries, lighting up the places that kept me confined in limited sexual expression, places I was outgrowing by the second. I liked that he told me what to do; I loved how badly he wanted me. I spent those hours in such a heightened state of arousal that it was impossible to concentrate on anything other than this power he was asserting over me. Domination is a skill; submission begins as a subtle state. Under strict instructions not to touch myself, my dom would do things like call me and ask ‘how do you feel about a choke collar with a taut chain leading down the back to a butt plug?’ and disallowed one word responses- he wanted to know how I felt about it sexually and what came up emotionally. By the time I set out to meet him, I was completely under his spell, and I was terrified/more turned on than ever before by what this relationship might bring.
Bundled in winters coat and scarf, I bound down the block toward seventh avenue, snowflakes catching in my eyelashes, clouds of breath suspending then evaporating in front of my face; heart beating louder as I moved closer to the corner, searching to find him. He came into view, caught and held my eyes, moving with the surety of a gladiator toward me. I lifted my hand in a limp and fearful wave as he closed in on me. Choreographed like a dancer, in a sequence of moves synchronized and lasting no more than 3 seconds, he removed one of his earbuds, placed it in my ear and with the same hand grabbed my face and pulled my mouth to his, his other arm wrapping and folding me against him, a mash of tongues and lips and sex points pressing under the snow, the Rolling Stones performing “Under My Thumb” in our ears.
no i do not love you 
