The Upper Left Quadrant & The Over/Under

I may have mentioned somewhere along the way that during the 100/100 project, I met a woman that I would like to date.  I tend to be pretty hetero in my relationship conquests- when I was younger and drinking heavily I slept with a bunch of women, but have not really dated any. I find some women incredibly sexy and when I watch porn it is most often girl-on-girl or threesomes; this is pretty vanilla, I’m sure it somehow relates to internalized sexism and objectification but I don’t want to talk about that today. THE POINT IS that it is unusual for me to want to date a woman- you know, charm her, care for her, want to learn everything about her, explore and relate to her complex inner workings PLUS have a lot of sex with her- like an actual relationship.

So this woman is obviously exceptional.

Turns out, as it would, that she has been pretty active in the polyamorist/swingers community- not that I should be surprised by this AT ALL given who and what I seem to attract.  And some nudist group… but all this in addition to being brilliant, successful, generous, loving, so fun to be around and blindingly beautiful, inside and out.  Talking with her about my experience with my lover was really insightful… a little tough to swallow, but insightful- because to me it was, like, unfathomable, that someone could not connect emotionally and spiritually to a lover, ESPECIALLY to ME, but she set me straight with that nonsense.  Maybe I can’t do it.  But other people- for myriad reasons that extend from trauma to drugs to conscious emotional shut downs, do it all the time.  Even with compelling little me 😉  She advises that I stop seeing the lover individually but stay friends with him- go to a party, invite him as a third where applicable.  I don’t necessarily agree with her, I would still like to see him.  She and I are going to attend some parties together this summer- so, however I get entree into this world, all signs continue to point me there.

We have a date tonight- er, I don’t know if we call them dates yet- we see each other regularly and have a lot of shared interests so we have a lot of tentative plans.  Semantics, not the point.  We are going to a class on orgasmic meditation (OM)– not where we practice the technique on each other (more on THAT another time) but we prepare ourselves in other ways through breathing and meditation to have more spiritually expansive orgasms.  Or something like that.  Make sure to click around on that link up there- this is some information you do not want to miss if you are a woman, or a man who is interested in women having orgasms.

In other news…

Have you ever heard the expression “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else”??

Cute expression, right?! 😉 It’s not really been my style in the past… I tried it, once.  It was not good for me or him- I felt like I was on fire with anger and he caught feelings and got hurt because I was using him.  That felt super shitty and was a mess to clean up.  I don’t think it has to be that way at all- that was just my first try at it.

If you read my last post, then you know I was having some feelings regarding really wanting someone that I cannot have.  Yesterday afternoon as I was listening to more Sharon Van Etten and repotting some plants in the beautiful Brooklyn sunshine, it struck me that a good way to get this out of my system would be a nice little toss with  someone hot & new.  You know, a one night stand.  Honestly, I haven’t had one of those since maybe 2004 but I considered it a good idea.  I just don’t want to think about it anymore- I want it back on a shelf and out of my veins, right now.  I meant what I wrote about circling the wagons, too- I am so not interested in “finding” anyone right now- but if someone turns up, well- maybe.  Maybe.

I did, however, get this little idea in my head and I started to think specifically about a man who works at my favorite restaurant, which I had plans to go to last night.  He is tall and foreign (Italian :)) and super charming, maybe a little young, definitely someone who I once considered out of my league.  I don’t think that way anymore, as you know.  I put that specific idea aside and simply put it out there for the Universe that if She sees fit, to please put someone sweet in my path tonight for a little rendezvous.  A night cap in the garden.  Heh heh.

Not only did that Italian (Sicilian) man turn out to be one of our servers, but he is also a friend of the woman I was having dinner with so we were introduced.  Kiss kiss like the Europeans do.  Apparently, when I left the table to wash up, he came over to talk with my friend and said to her ‘your friend is very beautiful’ which was very sweet. Then when she left the table he came over to talk to me and we had one of those ridiculous/nervous/cute conversations, like we had no game.  It was on, I could feel it- I just felt a little shy about making a move once my friend came back.  As we were getting ready to leave, he came over and took our picture, then asked for a picture with each of us individually… then let us know that he was heading out for a night cap and asked us what we were drinking.  It was a clear opening, and I didn’t take it.  I balked, out of some respect or other feeling regarding our mutual friend.  When he hugged me goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek and stood back, continuing to hold my hand- he confirmed that he had my name right, and told me to please come back and see him soon.  I thanked him and told him I would, then wiggled out of there in my little mini dress, smiling.

Don’t you think I didn’t regret it, like I didn’t want to turn back and be there waiting for him when he walked out the door.  Meeeoooww. Nice that the Universe agrees I need to keep on, and quick- whether that is the old over/under or an OM class with my sweetie while I maintain this other more inward focus,entirely.

cheers to letters & sodas

xxx

 

All Night

This has been the week of a hundred thousand thoughts but not a single tail or loose thread to pull so I could unravel it all and show you what has been happening up in there.  I’m exhausted and I had an evening coffee so here it is 2am and I’m awake, awake.  Lucky you.

I began reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown this week after a mini-bender on Amazon (holla Prime!).  You may remember her very famous Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability (<—- click that if you do not)(I just learned how to code links so no more copy/paste web addresses!!).  Maybe you want to have a first or second look- it may be insightful.  I wouldn’t gush that I loooove her or the book but I appreciate the discussion and some of the practical action/suggestions she makes. There are a few things going on in my life, personally and professionally, that Dr Brown’s work sheds light on, in a rip-open-the-drapes-to-the-midday-sun kind of way.  The book specifically focuses on Brené’s research on shame.  Becomes clearer all the time how influential shame is in my life…  Synchronicity is a funny thing when you’re a meaning-seeking little story teller with a spiritual bent, like me.

Gosh, life can be so very tricky sometimes. Grateful for that which helps us grow and shine right through it.

Speaking of resources, a friend sent me a Tracy McMillan article from the Huffington Post that got my haunches up a bit.  It was titled “Why You’re Not Married (<–)” ; then I went on to read another article from her written in the same voice about being a female Peter Pan(<–).  It wasn’t until I watched the video at the bottom of the first article that it dawned on me I had read one of her books last year- and I remember feeling mostly meh– about it.  The articles are a little touchy, she is brave to write the things that she does, but brave does not equal correct- these really are inflammatory statement pieces.  She does comment that she is delivering these “truths” in the spirit of generosity and wanting to help people, but, where I come from?  Truth without love is cruel.  It might make it more sophisticated and articulate to criticize… eh.  Who cares.  You read it, lemme know what you think.

It’s good timing for this all to be swimming around in my head because I have decided, after some setbacks, fresh starts & tipping points, that I am circling the wagons and getting some shit together.

Deep Sleep by Logan Hicks

I can barely stand myself anymore in a couple of key areas- the subject of this dumb blog being one of the top 2- so this may turn into one of those detox rants for a few weeks or so, like Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing… ha, if only I could write something to compare to that masterpiece of what it is like to desire/resist/succumb over and over and over only to understand the truth about that suffering is really about God… oh Leonard, how I need you now.  I… oh God, where do I even start?  All I will say is that I have had the devastating gift of having a love with the force of all the Earth’s oceans wash over me in the past couple weeks and… well, I can’t have him.  He is living a version of the dream, with a woman- and their child.  Don’t get freaked out and judgey, not a single shady thing happened between us at all and he is admirable and respectful in every way- and I am too.  Love is like that.

I am left with this surge of anger and demand, however, shaking my fist at the sky and being like whaaaat the fuck—…  No really.  What the fuck.  Between the one I love & can’t have, and my swinger/lover (who is also in many ways a platonic ideal, but doesn’t want a girlfriend so that ‘goes nowhere’), I am feeling pret-ty sorry for myself and like I have been dicked out of something that is most valuable to me.  It occurred to me briefly this evening, after walking back from a stolen moment, that perhaps there is a larger message in this: because that’s what I do to make sense of the difficult things of my life, I seek to learn and grow from them…  OR THERE IS NOT A STUPID LARGER MESSAGE AT ALL AND THIS IS JUST SOME STRAIGHT UP LIFE SHIT THAT IS UNFAIR.  Fuck you rainbows.  Fuck you karma.

Even if a part of me is angry and sad, I remain mostly deeply grateful.  Grateful to be awake and to love like this.

So I am dropping this old shell and swimming my naked lobster ass out to sea to grow a newer, bigger one to accommodate all this growth, and/or the changes that are happening, now. Older lobsters must be the humungous mutant ones.  Good timing for this sort of introspection, given Mercury retrograde beginning in 4 hours(<–).

 

And just in time, today- I discover Sharon Van Etten.  Rocked me.  Every song an anthem.  Like this one:

 

Siren of the Seas by Logan Hicks

 

xxx

 

Revisions & Prophecies

 

(^^^ edit: my Dad used to sing this song to me when I was small.)

For many of my adult years, I was estranged from my father.  It was not unusual for us to speak to each other only once or twice a year- and this was only among my brothers over the holidays.  It’s hard to explain how it happened, exactly, but it always troubled me deeply and solutions baffled and eluded me.  It took a long time, a lot of therapy, and some intense personal and spiritual work for me to really get the significance of my relationship with my Dad and how it was affecting my life.  For a long time I was pretty dismissive of it- I would say things like ‘yeah, yeah, I’ve got Daddy issues but who doesn’t’ which effectively minimized and distanced the sorrow and blame I was carrying.  A few years ago, I was working with a therapist that I really liked and she was trying to talk to me about my father when she met the horsemen of my defenses head on and was able to skillfully pass them.  Here is the conversation:

Therapist (T):  “You have a niece, right?”

Me (M): “Yep.”

T: “And how old is your niece?”

M:  “She’s 3 and a half.”

T: “Are you really close to her?”

M:  “Oh yes, I love her madly.  She is everything to me.”

T:  “And this is your brothers daughter?”

M: “Uh-huh, my oldest brother.”

T:  “I see.  And how old were you when your father left?”

M:  “I think I was 4 or 5, I don’t really remember.”

T:  “Tell me, do you think your niece would notice if your brother left?”

 

Something inside of me burst and I cried for days.  Because I was so close to my niece and I spent so much time with her, I knew how much she loved and depended on her Papa (and her Mama) and I could easily see that she would be devastated if one day he was gone and she didn’t know why.  Her beautiful little heart would just break.  Once I could imagine this for her, I understood what that must have been like for a little me and I was very, very sad.

So since that conversation 3 years ago, a lot has changed.  Maybe everything; and not just because of that conversation, but it definitely changed the way I saw myself and my relationships.  The other big thing that happened 3 years ago was that I went through a painful break up where I was pushed right into that wall of fire within.  Fire, the element of transformation and Shiva, the destroyer, met in the goddamn Tower; my whole life jerked a sharp left turn and I’m so so grateful.  Ultimately, thank God, right- I had to go through that- but holy shit, how we survive life sometimes is a total mystery.

A few months ago, I sent my father a letter because it was really clear to me that I had to get complete in that relationship before I would be able to move forward in my life.  In the letter, I explained to him that I would really do anything to get right with him, and I took responsibility for all the things in my life that I had been blaming him for.  I thanked him for all the things that were going well in my life and simply, for my life.  My sort of primary “issue” with him was abandonment and with this little word I had blamed my Dad for all of my failed relationships and my very unsuccessful manner of relating to men.  When I finally saw that my relationships were my responsibility, he was free to just be my Dad and I could have this new experience of him.  Profound.

So, here’s the thing about a letter like this, or these amends that I have been making: I have no idea what the ultimate outcome of the situation will be.  All I am doing is cleaning up my side of the street, as they say.  A gesture so large obviously will move the universe, as the laws of physics explain.  To be sure, my cells rearranged just as an act of seeing things so differently and clearly- which was enough.

My father was really receptive to my letter and he wrote me back a couple of weeks later.  First he sent me an email right away thanking me and just letting me know that he was choosing his words carefully in writing me back.  I came home late one night, mid December, to his typed letter.  He explained it was not impersonal to type it, he just feels that he has bad handwriting- I thought it was cute for him to clarify this.  This letter really rocked my world because he basically re-wrote the history of my life.  I had long believed that my Dad left my mom and us 3 babies because he didn’t want that life anymore.  What he told me in this letter was that it was my mother who left him because she had fallen in love with somebody else (my stepfather).  My Dad said that he did everything he could do to try to keep his wife and kids with him- including going to rehab and getting sober- but that my Mom was unyielding and served him with divorce papers.  He wrote something like ‘divorce is a single event that occurs in the context of many sad moments in a broken relationship’.  Really, my heart exploded with compassion for my Dad because I guess I could relate to his broken heart- he became so fragile and human to me.  This story gave voice to that chronic, unsettling feeling in my childhood that things were never as they seemed.  Even my love and compassion for my mother and step father expanded because I could see their humanity in a vastly different way, a way that I think they very carefully tried to prevent me from seeing.

I have not shared this story with my brothers, nor have I brought it up with my mother and stepfather- this in itself feels like evidence of a change in me.  That I am big enough to hold this truth and let it change me in a quiet and durable way.  I am thinking about this this morning because I had an experience the other day that called my ideologies about relationships into question.  I’m not sure I can tie this together in one well-crafted transition sentence…  but I can say that there is a spiritually balanced and cumulative quality to having had this experience with my father and the story of my family be essentially re-written, and whatever is unfolding in my life right now, the story that is being written as I am living it, in the now.

Love showed up in my life last year and I knew it as soon as I saw it but I couldn’t quite get my arms around it or draw it close to me in the way that I wanted and this really confused me.  I questioned what I was feeling and thought maybe my instincts had failed me in a major way.  A part of me held onto what I knew in my heart in spite of the conditions of life at the time.  Quietly, I just let it go.  I have a pretty powerful intuition, I always have- a good friend of mine referred to me as a tuning fork recently when I was describing my assessment of something- because I have come to understand the world, people, my place in all of it, based on this intuition, juju, that I trust completely.  Or that I should.  Sometimes, love comes into your life and it’s not in the exact form you would have wanted to find it but it is undeniably love.  I have so so many friends who, when they first met their partner, they were in a relationship with someone else, or their partner was, or there were some other conditions that made things a little more complicated than just declaring love and togetherness.  And it wasn’t like there was an affair or a clear longing to be somewhere else, it just took some time for things to unfold and open- then what was once unknown becomes the most obvious and natural thing on Earth.

For a long time, I have thought that my person was going to show up and be totally free, available, and ready upon arrival- and that if this wasn’t the case then it wasn’t my person.  A couple months ago I wrote about how I was afraid that maybe my person wasn’t here on Earth anymore, that something had happened to him; and then a couple of weeks ago I revisited this feeling because someone suggested to me that maybe my person was unavailable right now- like in a relationship with someone else but that he was surely on his way.  To be clear, I am not actively sabotaging someone’s relationship or even energetically wanting for one to end: I guess I have just caught a glimpse of a possibility that was not available to me before, that has clicked some things into place in a new way.  And to tie this all together the best I can, or maybe you have already done so effortlessly because you are really so much smarter than I am 😉 …  it seems that all these lessons of my life- with my Dad, the break up(s), moving to New York, the 100/100, finding my people- just ALL OF IT- have placed me in a position to be able to welcome and hold someone else, and all of the conditions he arrives with, unconditionally and completely.  And almost as important is that this person will recognize me, see me, and I won’t have to change a thing or be anything different than exactly me.

 

xxx

 

Days 61, 62, & 63: Realignment

There is a little disclaimer I overlooked early on which is that I get the banality of this project and I know it is almost insultingly stupid given some of the awful realities that people are facing and things that I could be talking about.  It is excessively self indulgent and silly so I must say both sorry and thank you for reading this or caring about me or ma vie d’amour.  So, sorry! Thanks!

There is a meta-meditation out of the Buddhist tradition that I have been practicing consciously these past few days out of a kind of dizzying psychic tremor which has left me so very aware of how much pain people are in.  It started a couple days ago when I met a saintly older man who had recently lost his daughter to suicide. I felt my heart swell up to fill my entire ribcage when he told the story about coming out to her a few years ago (he had been a closeted gay man married with kids for decades) and her response to him was something about loving him as a complete package, not just parts of him.  The space around him was so available for others to step in and grieve, as if in his magnitude he was offering to take and hold on to all of our hurts.  The meditation practice is to inhale the pain and suffering of others, and exhale your love and light.

And so, for days, but most especially tonight:

(Inhale) give me some of your hurt, I can hold it;

pause;

(Exhale) please accept my finest love and my brightest light.

There.  🙂 I hope that love light reaches you, wherever you are!

 

This afternoon I stumbled into my chiropractors waiting room and was immediately greeted by a warm and handsome smile of a man who I *think I saw there yesterday as well.  The head chiropractor was sitting next to him going over his treatment plan and he kept looking up at me and smiling, as if he was checking to see if I was still there and so happy to find out that I was.  That’s an awesome way to feel when someone attractive is looking at you and smiling.  The doctor got up and left, leaving us to just sit there smiling at each other.  Incidentally, on the TV above his head was an awful Nat Geo moment of 2 seals attacking each other.  Amazing.  Here is the conversation we had:

Smiles: “Are you feeling any better today?”

Me:  (shrug) “Sure, or I am on my way to feeling better.  How are you feeling?”

Smiles:  “That’s right, you just have to stay positive, keep a real positive outlook.  I feel amazing- ever since I started coming here, such a turn around, 100% better.”

Me:  “Oh I am so happy to hear that!  Yes, you’re totally right- being positive is the only way”

The doctor returns and calls him up to the desk so he can collect paperwork and schedule the next visit.  He stands up and walks to the desk, dressed in classic gray sweats, tall, muscular, he’s got that Brooklyn style sensibility that is so so attractive- the kind of clothes worn in such a way that you just want to take them off.  While he talks with the doctor and receptionist, he continues to look over at me and smile.  

Me:  “So, do you live in Brooklyn?”

Smiles:  “Yes I sure do.  Do you live in Brooklyn?”

Me:  “I do!  What part are you in?”

Smiles: “Flatbush.  What about you?”

Me:  “Oh, Flatbush?  We are neighbors, I’m in Bed Stuy.”

Smiles: “Oh really?  Well, nice to meet you, neighbor.”

Me: “Yes, nice to meet you too! We should…”

Smiles: “… meet sometime in the neighborhood for a drink?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I was thinking.”

Smiles:  “Me too, let me give you my number.”

And he gives me his number, we introduce ourselves, shake hands.  As he leaves he looks over his shoulder and smiles at me again asking me to call him soon to set up that drink.  Of course, of course.  From his glasses and smile, to that BK swagger, to his overt interest in and attraction to me- I liked all of it.  OK, so, technically, he did the asking, but I was moving in that direction, clearly, so- we have a tie.  I did not call him yet, but I will tomorrow.

Yesterday I had dinner with my polyamorist friend and that was lovely and delicious, just like he is.  I have been reading The Ethical Slut and appreciating the insights and tips for beginners in the Lifestyle.  I brought it to his attention and he said that it was a good introduction.  We talked a bit about parties and fantasies.  Sadly, I was unavailable when he invited me to a party a couple weeks ago.  We have had some scheduling challenges.  He explained to me a little more about how people behave at parties, and how to meet people to act out/fulfill fantasies with.  It’s all very interesting.

At one point I discovered a scar on his chest and after he told me the story of it he asked if I had any interesting scars.  In my mind I thought ‘none on the outside’ but I spared him my drama and just said ‘no, not yet!’ The thing that I am tripping on, just the littlest bit, is that because I know he is unavailable and I do not want to get confused about that, I am finding myself a little shut down around him to the point of not really being able to be satisfied sexually- like, I’m not really able to connect because I have powered down the whole grid in an effort to protect myself and also not push him away should I have any feelings.  This suuuuuuucks.  I’m hoping it goes away.  I mean, look- I am tryyyying to learn how to be fond of someone, express that in appropriate ways, but not have any expectation or attachment. And I am actually doing it well, I think; this thing is not a thing for me, and the only way I know of, at this time, to keep it that way is to not invite him into my heart and not initiate any more dates.  He can initiate, he can call it.  I don’t think the solution is to discuss it with him- it is definitely in the realm of my processes and I’m grateful to be so awake in this but it does feel a little… hard for me to navigate.  I do not want to hide or deny my affection for this man, but I am; and I have picked up on what feels like a tightness, a distaste if the conversation turns emotive.  That’s a shame, because I feel like that’s the best thing I have to offer.  He has got this down- he is affectionate, polite, considerate, open, charming, generous- and completely energetically unavailable, there is nothing for me to plug into.  I’ve probably got some decisions to make about this- it might be untrue to ME, my soul, my blue; AND I have absolutely had some yucky experiences with dissociation and sex and I don’t want to make love like that any more in this body.  Aye.  And Yay!  Here’s a quote from The Ethical Slut that feels apropos:

When you find yourself worrying about how you may be seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are.  It does you no good  to attract somebody who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is somebody who is excited about somebody who isn’t you.  When you are honest, you attract people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.

xxx

 

 

 

Days 54-60: Bed-rest & Bullshit

I consider myself a pretty laid back woman, maybe moderately emotionally neurotic, but otherwise pretty chill.  I can easily lose myself and time completely watching clouds shape-shift; I often just sit peacefully and do nothing but immerse myself in a delightful cup of dark coffee; I have lost hours of my life arranging flowers or pruning plants.  I’m just really in the moment.  Or something…

… hoooooowwwwever, I’m always on the move.  I wouldn’t have it any other way- everything I do is important to me, and there are never enough hours in the day/week/month to spend as much time as I would like to with the people that I love.  I have to literally be taken out, knocked on my ass with physical illness to miss out on my gigantic beautiful life.  And that is precisely what happened this past week.

I hurt my back like 3 years ago- it’s not a huge deal, many people have the same back issue that I have and somehow we all figure out how to co-exist with an often unreasonable amount of discomfort and physical limitation.

A little more than half the time, I can do whatever I want- because I take really great care of this body-temple with yoga, nutrition, rest, and H20.  Sometimes, tho, I will sneeze or move the wrong way and boom!  4-8 weeks of limitation, rehabilitation, and frustration.  Now, maybe 5 weeks ago I did *something, not sure what, and have been hammering through my life between chiropractor appointments and handfuls of ibuprofen.  The first order from any doctor treating this particular back injury is “REST” and in my mind, this meant “do not exercise” which you can probably easily see are two totally different commands.  Thus, my nature so refined, I came down with a fever and total inability to do anything but sleep and cry for the past 5 days- which has provided just the rest required to move me in the healing direction.  Yay.

So, I have not done any asking outs or dates or anything even remotely frisky, I’ve mostly been asleep.  When I could no longer lie down because it hurt too much, I gave myself a glamorous blow out and practiced my Mila Kunis smoky-eye make-up applications by watching YouTube videos.  Honestly.  I looked really hot (read:CRAYYYYZAAYYYY) when I went for the MRI, let me tell you: smokey eyed model hair in Chucks and skivvs wincing my way through the click click clicking of that modern day iron maiden. Bullshit.

SO, all I am saying here is HELLO and HERE I AM.  So looking forward to some new action.  Sort-of sad to say that the man I was really excited about last week has stopped communicating with me.  I am or was surprised by it- our second date was really nice, and we had plans to do things together after that.  There is no one thing that I could pick out to have predicted this.  He did mention that he had a very hectic work week ahead, and I get that- but busy work week or not, we have all read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and if you haven’t, all it means in this context is, well, obviously dude is not that into me.

 Remember this, my sweeties:  when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

xxx

Day 52: Twitterpated

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Happens to me at least once a day.  Today we are going to turn it up.

HELLOOOOO BOYS…

Many thanks to April Walloga at The Gothamist for this list of 100 most eligible bachelors in NYC.   (check out her article here:

http://gotham-magazine.com/personalities/articles/black-book)

Since I could not look out from under my umbrella in our rainy, windy city today, I had to get creative to maintain my integrity with this project… and things had gotten a little stale around here.  Match just would not do.

First, to Brad, David, James, Johnny, Fabrizio, Adrian and Christopher:  if I saw any one of you on the street I would find you compellingly attractive and would absolutely ask you to go on a date with me.  (Wait, there is a lie in there: Adrian- I saw you one afternoon on the C train way before this project and honestly, I did NOT ask you out because I was just trying to respect you and enjoy your presence. )  You should know that I am single, sweet, & supafly and I have been challenged to ask out 100 men who I think are “out of my league” in 100 days.  I started on Valentine’s Day and have been having a lot of fun!  Earnestly, I would love to keep the company of any or all of you, I bet we would have a very very good time.  Consider it!  Oh, and, please check out the rest of my writing on the project!  xxx

All twitterpated on the Twitter…

love is in the air!!!  get some!!! xxx

 

 

Days 49 & 50: A Sentimental Mouth

☆☆☆ MIDPOINT☆☆☆

That’s right!  Shit, it is hard to imagine doing this for just as much more time as it has been done already, if that makes sense.  Among the most popular questions that people ask me when discussing this project is what would I do if I met someone really awesome while in the middle of it.  The answer is that I don’t know- I think love takes it’s own course in spite of our best efforts to avoid, force or control it.  It’s generally been interesting to consider this whole thing in relation to the subject or the men that I am asking out- because obviously it’s often bigger than just the initial question.  One thing that is on my mind this morning is how I think about men- categorically, individually, as a species of their own; human of course but somehow distinct from me, other than, foreign.  Unexamined and powerful, this ideology is alienating- I feel like I have missed out on so much of what is beautiful and lovable about these creatures.  And I love men, I really do- but I think I may have been doing some combination of objectifying and idealizing that has prevented me from really honoring the humanity and divinity of men.  I’m really sorry- I feel pretty sad about this.  You all deserved way better and I hope that from this moment forward I can make it up to you by showing up open, curious, and available to love each of you in a purely creative and respectful way.

This morning I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the business card of the man that I met last night at a going-away/moving-on party for a friend.  In this way, I woke up smiling because I had a great time with him, and his affection left a sort of sweetness about me, like the air around a cotton candy machine.  Open your mouth and breathe this in the next chance you get.  In that precious state of almost pre-consciousness that happens just between waking and the end of the first cup of coffee, moments of our conversations from the night before came to mind, the color of his eyes, the dimple on his right cheek, his bottom lip, the way he would place his hand on the side/back of my skull to pull my ear closer to his mouth to make sure I could hear him and how this would cause me to tingle and lose focus, just like inhaling a big hit of some really good pot.  By the time I was on my second cup and getting into the shower, I was thinking that he’s really sweet and cute but we are obviously not going to date-date but I could just enjoy his Ecuadorian cooking and that bottom lip for a little while… and this amazing thought interjection happened, like the voice of God or something.  And that voice asked me,

“Why don’t you set aside this predetermination and try to get to know him as a person before you decide just what’s possible here?”

See, because what had categorized this man as ‘out of my league’ is that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is really, really attractive- and, well, I have a ‘thing’ about this.  Like a really big thing.  Most of the time I assume that men, all of them, prefer the company of much younger women- women who are younger than them and much younger than me.  If a younger man is flirting with me, I generally assume that he is being polite.  Or if a young man gives me his seat on the subway, it’s out of a general respect and courtesy  for older women. Honestly.  Or if I can see that he is flirting with/interested in me, it is that he is curious about having sex with an older woman because he has heard that older women are really great in bed because they have more experience and are less self-conscious or something.  In fact, when I walked into this party last night, I heard someone call out my name and I was so surprised to see that it was this young man- surprised that he remembered my name (we met once for 7 seconds months ago) and super impressed when he came over to greet me and point out to me where the guest of honor was, since I really didn’t know anyone else there.  That second part, his thoughtful kindness and obviously well-raised manners totally caught me off guard and sort of amplified the idea that he saw me as a super-adult, like, someone’s parent and not just some other peer at the party, you know?  This is totally my complex, my silly shit- he’s just awesome and kind- I’m the one with the AARP complex around young attractive men. I thought about this more during the day, about all of the people I know with 5+ years age difference between them, and I was imagining the older person in the scenario, how they might have behaved and what they were thinking… and I suspect that mostly they were just happy to have met someone cute and awesome who they enjoyed spending time with.

I often ask myself what my friends would do and then do that.  They are a fucklot smarter than me and they have lives I admire, relationships I might want for myself.  Thanks friends for being awesome.

It became pretty clear after talking with this man for a few minutes that the chemistry was correct.  He is easy to talk to, hilarious, warm, earnest- doing really great things with his time and his life.  I have not laughed that hard in a long time.  He taught me how to take my time and savor something by demonstrating on a Starburst. Sentimentally, he suggested I keep the wrapper.  He’s my kind.  He told me that he couldn’t exactly describe the kind of woman that he was looking for, but believed he would know it when he saw it.  The longer we spoke the more he would put his hand on my upper arm or lower back, I instinctively touched his chest.  We discussed this blog, I told him I was going to make him my number 5-0; he told me I ruined it and needed better game than that to get with him.  At this I wasn’t exactly shut down but I certainly reconsidered if I was going to do it or not, in a paranoid way I thought maybe he was warning me that he would reject me. We sort of wandered off to talk to other people for a bit, I thought I might have freaked him out with the blog or just with myself so I let it go.

We circled back and at some softer moment I did get a little serious with him and let him know I was really attracted to him and would love to have dinner with him.  Watching his eyes then his mouth as he watched my eyes then my mouth.  Stepping back to get some air, waiting.  He said yes he would like to have dinner with me. When I took out my phone to get his number, he preferred to give me a card but did not have one with him.  Conveniently, his office is in the building, so we went to his office to find that card…

I took a cab home and stopped in the souq for cat food.  My Yemeni friends lit up to see me.  I probably looked a little dreamy.  Not dreamy-hot, like dreamy-orbit.  As I was checking out, the one who previously asked me out asked me for a kiss and I obliged him.  I’m sure I was emanating a kiss me kiss me kiss me vibe.

I’m not sure I have ever really dated more than one person at a time, and next week I have 2 second dates and a first.  It’s not so bad because I don’t find myself obsessing about any individual person, but I do feel a little less available, less accessible- fragmented, shrewd.  Recalling the advice of one of the non-monogamists/polyamorists, which was to be fully and passionately in the moment with the person that was there, make that experience the best that it could be.  Love the one you’re with.  Keep it light, breezy, open- notice and do not attach.  Gather information.  Be sweet, be free.  The Tarot reading I did last week indicated that I would soon be faced with many choices, and warned that I not just take the one that looked the best.  Our sense of sight is, after all, the least reliable of the 6.

xxx

 

 

Days 44 & 45: The Switch

 

Changing up the Match profiles appears to have had an effect. Of the 4 men I engaged over the weekend, I have coffee/drink dates with 2 of them this week, the other 2 are not vibing on me and that is just fine.  There have been a bunch of emails and winks from nice men that I probably will not respond too, but the action is validating.  Feels like I am getting a little closer to the target, most of the time.  Sometimes it feels like I’m just learning.

Saturday morning I was on my way into the city and there were hundreds, I mean literally hundreds of people at the subway station waiting for shuttle buses because they are doing work in the tunnels again.  This has been going on periodically since January- and even though I am of course happy that they are making the trains safe and clean and preparing us for future hurricanes and stuff, it has also been a huge pain in my ASS mostly because I am rarely on time.  I’ve figured out that I can skip the shuttle and just take the train further east to transfer in on another line- that other line happens to be the L (love train!) which is full of cutie Brooklyn boys of all types, which is a great way to start the day.

I was standing there on the pole, heh heh, sipping my juice and tuned into miPod, when the doors open and in walks this young man who looks like a cross between Yasin Bey and Will Smith, wearing those Malcom X glasses, so tall, so yummy.  I notice this older woman on the train look him up and down like she is a leopard and he is an antelope, smiling to herself, admiring him- which was awesome.  He stops at my pole, places his hand directly under mine and gives me a smile.  DIMPLES.  Oi.  He seems a lot younger than me so I figured I would just do like Leopard Lady and enjoy him while he is before me.  More people enter the train and he swings a little closer to me, I fit perfectly at his armpit nook.  Because I am always carrying just a little too much crap with me, I have to use my nose to flip the lid on my juice cup and got some juice on my chin (don’t judge me).  I look up at the young man and he is watching me as I wipe the beet juice off my chin (on to my sleeve) and smile at him.  This is a real Tina Fey moment.  It then occurred to me that I probably also had juice on my nose, so I am wiping off the entire visage with my sleeve while noticing just how tall and handsome my pole sharer is.  He’s not looking at me anymore, he is typing something on his phone.  My cat-like face cleaning stops and I resume my cool.  Jesus.  He surreptitiously looks at me from under his eyes and passes me his phone, which I take in my hands.  In his notes, he has written:

“You are metal and I am a magnet all I want to do is get closer to you.  You are so beautiful.  [his Name, phone number]”

YO, THAT IS MY MOVE!  Sort of 😉  It is pretty smooth and he is really cute; I am totally blushing and we are smiling at each other in that sweet way, swinging a little on the pole like kids would.  I type back something like

“Thank you!  You are gorgeous, I am so flattered. We should meet for a drink sometime [my name, phone number]”

Then we have this slow motion geek series of moments, where we kind of smile at each other and look away, look back and smile, nod, look away- it didn’t make any sense.  I took off my headphones, smiled at him and he removed his then we spoke like humans do.  He tells me that he grew up in Bed Stuy and comes from the streets and nobody in his life has called him gorgeous before.  He asks what I am up to for the day, tells me he is going to help a friend assemble a crib- he likes to help out, smoke some stuff and build shit.  It is not his baby, he does not have any babies.  I ask him if he is of the mind to read the instructions or will he just figure it out.  “Both,” he replies. Then, leaning in to me “Can you follow instructions?”  Ah-hem. He is a straight talker, asks me when was the last time I was really satisfied…  It’s not even 9:30 in the morning.  Tells me that he takes great care of his body (clearly) and that he is very sexually talented and doesn’t understand why women aren’t demanding more satisfaction from their men.

“You got a man?” he asks, I lie and say “Yes, but it’s cool, we have an open arrangement.”  He wants to know about me, what I do, what I like to do- we find common ground in poetry.  He is about to get off the train and tells me that he wants to have that drink, and that he will send me some poetry during the day.  He may have kissed me on the cheek, then he exited the train, turned and gave me a wave.

Whoa.

He did send me poetry, and it is very, very good.  I love it.

That said, obviously this man has got some game.  I won’t make assumptions about what that means, but I’m not so sure I am going to move forward with what he is offering.  My instincts tell me it is not yet safe to do so, and I will heed them.  A friend of mine (the one who I am always quoting for you) said to a group of us last week:

“Imagine that tomorrow night you are going to go to a party and there you are going to meet the person of your dreams, the one that you have been waiting and hoping for and he is totally available and ready to go, you just have to answer one question.  That question is:  what did you do yesterday?”

He then went on to say that the way that we live when we are single and dating really does matter.   So many people, myself included, think that because we are single we can be really causal about who we are sleeping with… And yeahhhh, sure you can.  Of course.  The truth is that ALL of our behavior, especially sexual, reflects our values, how we feel about ourselves, and who we are.  Maybe the way that I conduct myself sexually when single should reflect how I would be if I were in a relationship.  Or that I should regard the person I am sexing with the consideration that this could very well turn out to be my life-partner and the last person I sleep with for the rest of my life.  I shook my head and scoffed at most of this, but it is lingering around in my thoughts and in my heart I am aware that if ultimately, who I am looking for is that partner, I might be helpful to act as if that person is already here.

I have a lot to think about.  I know, I know.  There is no right or wrong, no formula for any of this.  I have to be in the moment living it, spiritually connected and honest.

I have been following astrologer/writer Eric Francis for about 20 years now.  His website is planetwaves.net where you can access his current work and archives for a fee.  I have found that his writings are free in some places, too, though for many years I did pay to have direct access to his website and publications.  I sometimes geek out on astrology. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.  I am thinking about it now because what Eric wrote about us Gems this month has everything to do with what I just wrote about, and with the themes that have been coming us vis-a-vis what kind of relationship do I want, who do I want to BE in that relationship, and what kind of person do I want to be in relationship with.  Check out what he wrote:

“You need your own personal code, your way of life, that is distinct from anything that was ever imposed on you, and which depends on what you have learned from all your travels. Most of all your guide to living must be informed by the outcomes that you want, measured not so much in material things as in the form of ethics, cooperation, the value you place on your relationships, and most of all, the value you place on the future. These are things that count, and the things I suggest you keep right at the front of your mind, every step you take.”

Aayyyyye.

Now you can read what he wrote about you:

http://www.eomega.org/learning-paths/body-mind-spirit/planet-waves-horoscopes-april-2014-horoscopes

Beyonce is my Spirit Creature this month.  Be your Bey, xxx

 

 

 

 

Days 41, 42, & 43: Finding the Right Words

Please excuse me for taking so long to write again.  I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica.  I really feel elderly when I say that.  Sighhh.  But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.

I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line.  I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while.  It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for.  Shit, I had some good lines in there!  Check this one out:

“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”

What an asshole!

So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh.  I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery.  That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people.  I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not.  I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them.  Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.

There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.

After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes.  I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them.  Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too.  Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one!  2 of them visited my profile.  Ahhh, Match life.

It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time.  In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun.  I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get.  One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable.  Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.

If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them.  I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works.  And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great.  Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.

One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards.  I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.

It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry:  “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”

Details below!

Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread

 

1. How you have come to your present situation or focus:  V The Sage

Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power.  Ancient knowledge will guide you.  Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person.  Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.

2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart.  The bridge you need to cross:  7 of Coins

A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished.  A warning not to stop for too long.  Time, reflection, self study.  The payoff will come later.  A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved.  Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’.  As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs.  Act.

3. The foundation or root of the issue:  5 of Wands 

Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!

A conflict fueled by creative differences.  A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings.  Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony.  You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want.  It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.

4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:  Princess/Page of Swords

A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others.  An idealist.  Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown.  Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind.  May seem secretive to others.  The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.

5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:  Queen of Wands

 

The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.

Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once.  Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent.  She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness.  Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her.  BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.

 

 

6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle: 8 of Wands

The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration.  Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon.  Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static.  Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery.  Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.

7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation: XX Liberation

Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation.  A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation.  Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you.  Making choices without blaming oneself or others.  There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.

8.  Family and significant others, how you are perceived: 6 of Cups

Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards.  Carry what is good from the past into the present situation.  The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place.  Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.

9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative: King of Coins

A powerful man, financial or business leader.  A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money.  He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising.  Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.

10.  Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation: 7 of Cups

 

Many elements or choices presented to the seeker.  A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes.  Imagination and vision.  Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement.  As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.

11.  Gift, guide, hidden factor: 10 of Wands

Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity.  A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects.  Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs.  We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship.  People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.

 

 

 

xxx

Days 39 & 40: Avocados

On Saturday, it was pouring in TriBeCa, the windows of the cafés and stores foggy and dripping, melting shapes and faces from the outside.  I was grabbing a coffee after a 90 minute yoga class, half turnt up/half dazed.  This class was both yoga & self massage- first we hit it hard on the mat, then empty the contents of our pink tulle bags that the studio provides, full of accoutrements, and we spend 45 minutes rolling around on balls and rubbing ourselves into a noodle-y blissful state.  The teacher is very attractive- and because it is a body work class he takes hands on assists to another level- like full on cupping of the ass, firm hand slides down the side body from armpit to hip.  I try not to sexualize yoga for the most part- it would be too easy to get freaked out.  The combination of physical contact and deep tissue massage evokes a state that is similar to post coital bliss tho, same chemicals, same dreamy sleepy glow.

Tangental, really.

In the coffee shop, a man sitting by the window caught my eye, and I his.  Just people noticing people.  When I was waiting for my cup, he gathered his things to leave, tall and full, smiling at me with deep dimples on both cheeks.  Ohhh my head says, yes talk to HIM- something about that working man-ness hits me just right on this dreary cold afternoon.  He puts on a fluorescent parka and a white hard hat and exits, stopping outside the door to button up and light a smoke. As I am spicing my drink, he walks past the window and smiles again, I hold up a finger asking him to wait for me.  Impulsive!  He turns to look behind him, looks back and hold his hand to his chest as if asking “me?” in a faux- modest gesture.  I smile and nod, finish what I’m doing and walk outside.  Finally taking the suggestion of my friend, I say to him simply- “Hi! Thank you for waiting for me.  You’re so handsome, are you single?” He laughs and thanks me, he is indeed single. I respond by asking if he would like to meet for a dinner or a drink sometime; he says sure.  The conversation goes on a little while- he kind of goes on a ramble about being a simple blue collar man from Long Island, he is a train conductor for the MTA but today they have him doing work in the tunnels.  Then he says that he mentions that up front because a lot of women don’t want to go out with a guy like him.  I mean… The smoking part was kind of off putting for me but I liked his smile; then speaking with him it was obvious to me that I was not going to call this guy.  Not because he works for the MTA or whatever, it was more that I could see we would not have much to talk about, and I quickly imagined that we would have very different ideas about how to spend our time together.  2 months ago I never would have even started the conversation, let alone held up my finger (!!!) and asked him to wait for me in the rain!

That’s 2 days of approaching people only to discover and decide that I’m not interested.  Amazing how quickly that spark of attraction fades to nothing- but I am grateful, learning.  Wait, have I told the avocado story yet?  It seems apropos at this time…

Late last year, after a week of asking out 5 different men that I was really attracted to and getting turned down each time, I was really pissed, and just really tired, surrendered to my unattractiveness, deep in the self-pity. You know.  I was talking with my friend- the same friend who initiated this challenge actually- and he said this great thing to me.  I will tell you now.  He said,

“Imagine you wanted to make some guacamole and you were at the store selecting avocados.  If the first few that you pick out are not ripe, you would not blame yourself or say there was something wrong with you because you selected un-ripe avocados!  You would just keep looking- or maybe you would decide that you wanted to make salsa instead and come back to the guac another time- but the point is that you would not find fault with yourself for any of this.  It’s the same thing as all of these men turning down your advances, you have just selected a few un-ripe avocados.”

He’s really good at this stuff, right?  I know.  You should hear him sing!

A few days back I mentioned that I would go through my memory to determine if there was anyone really special back there that I should check in with (Days 32, 33, & 34).  Any dreams I should chase.  Turns out there was one, a BIG one, and I once it dawned on me on Saturday, I decided to sleep on it and if I could not shake the idea, I could do it on Sunday.

I couldn’t shake it.

So, this man…  ooooo-weeeee, this man.  Sighhhh.  A little less than a year ago, I was walking home from the subway one night and I noticed a man walking a bit of distance in front of me.  Actually I noticed his bag, it was fashionable, unusual, handsome.  Anyway. He happened to turn down my street.  The next night, again as I was walking home, I was about to cross over a busy thoroughfare and I turned to look over my right shoulder to see if the other lane was clear, and there was the bag and the man, right next to me. Knocked the wind right outta me.  He crossed over and I surprised myself by catching up to him and striking up a conversation.  Sometimes I guess I have the right instincts for these things.  It was like love at first sight; no, it was love at first sight.  That night we walked home together and as it would be, we were neighbors- about 10 Brownstones apart.  It was not a week before I saw him again, this time on the subway platform heading into the city, where we spent the 40 minute commute engrossed in a quiet conversation about books, nutritional supplements, great restaurants.  He took note of a few of my favorites and I his.  Physically he could be my Mr Potato Head.  Honestly.  Dark brown eyes, clean and marvelously crooked teeth, brown peppered hair, dimples, tall… His voice was low and clear, his face was close to mine, he was very present in his eyes, our side bodies touching the whole time. I remember I could smell him- familiar sea and woods in amber tobacco- and I could see some of his chest hair popping out from his v-neck white-t, an black tattoo on his upper left arm.  I got off the train one stop before him, and in my lovebeam I was pretty sure I had just found my future Mister.

We started to run into each other all the time.  It seemed that anytime I left the house without make-up to run to the bodega for cat food or Cafe Bustelo, he would be there on his stoop in the sun, smoking his cigarette and enjoying a coffee.  He often stood up and walked down the stairs to the fence when I would walk by, and we would talk- sometimes for 30 seconds, others for 30 minutes.  We still ran into each other on the subway occasionally, and our conversations had gotten really cute because we were so excited to talk to each other and ask each other questions that there was always a lot of interrupting and smiling, close talking. We discussed our families and childhoods at length, he asked me many questions and he would remember details. Often, when I would run into him, he would follow up with something I had mentioned the last time we spoke.

One morning in June, just before my birthday, I spontaneously invited him to join me for a rooftop film later that evening.  I could tell this caught him off guard, or kind of struck him in an uncomfortable way, which was hard to figure out.  He took my number and texted me later that day that he was unable to join me.  After that, I probably asked him out 2 more times and always he would get a stricken look and sort of evade the question.  I let it go, we continued to talk about other things.  I knew he was straight, I was pretty sure that he liked me, and every time I made up my mind to just ask him what the score was, I couldn’t put him on the spot.  I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for him.  He, like many New Yorkers of means, was away most of August, and the next time I saw him was on his birthday late in September.  It was a brief encounter, I told him that I was moving and asked him to keep an ear out for me.  He did, we stayed in communication via text about apartment hunting for the next few weeks.  One day, I saw him leave his apartment with a woman… my heart sank & my head nodded.  Intuitively I knew this, I suppose.  When I found something a couple blocks away, he offered his assistance with the move and was happy that I would still be in the neighborhood.  He told me to walk by his house every now and then because he had just bought a car and I probably wouldn’t be seeing him on the train.  Heart sank a little deeper.

The day that I moved out of that apartment, I noticed what I thought was his car parked in front of my house; confused because there was a car seat for a baby in it.  Later, between trips in and out of the house, his car moved and I saw him double park it in front of his house, as a woman holding a little baby and baby gear came down the stairs as he opened the car door for them.  I made up a whole big story about all that and have not seen him since.  He texted me a week or so later to check on my new place, see how I was doing.  I said I would invite him and a guest to the housewarming (I did not have one) and he said he would attend.  We haven’t texted or talked in about 6 months now- in addition to the story I created about the baby, I also decided it was his midwestern polite upbringing that contributed to my self-deception- that this man was just being friendly and kind because that is who he is, it was never that he liked me.

I let it go.

Until yesterday I had not thought of him much; I like that he came to mind when I whispered this question about dreams to chase out into the wind.  Maybe his circumstances have changed- I mean, I’m sure they have in one direction or another!  But what joy it would bring just to catch up with him about books and vegan restaurants, just to take him in- voice eyes smell energy all of it, ALL IN.  I chickened out at a phone call, so I texted him to say hello and that I was thinking of him, and he replied quickly and said that he was so happy to hear from me- a sad face in reference to us not seeing each other anymore.  Elated, I took this as an opening and asked him to meet me sometime for a coffee or a drink and he wrote back that he would like that.  It will take a lot of self-restraint not to chase him, so in a few days I will put out a day/time and we will see what happens. Cross your fingers & toes and light a pink candle on your altar for me, please.

It really is joy enough to know that we had this exchange today and that I was on his mind, even for a few hours.  I’ve been smiling.  On a cellular level, remembering his sweetness makes me calm and vibrant, like the Caribbean Sea.

xxx