http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home
So, here is a funny thing: I have a really attractive gynecologist. I know, it’s almost too much to bear. So Park Ave. He is very soft spoken and accessible and has those brown eyes that I am just such a sucker for. Every time I have to see him, rather, he has to see me- he will conclude the exam by sitting back, smiling at me, saying “Everything looks just perfect. Really, you’re great!” and I always feel a little, um, warm. Then he will look at me and ask me earnestly “Is there anything you want to discuss with me?” and I consider him for a moment, then snap out of it- yes yes, let’s talk about whatever it is I came here for. Jesus.
I found him on Yelp! He is very highly rated. Thank you, ladies.
One of the reasons I was interested in seeing him is because he is actually a pelvic surgeon and has lots of experience with labiaplasty. This has become a really hot topic these past few years and it has many women running around worried that there is something wrong with their beautiful lilies. I’m no different! And, I gotta say that my first 6 months in NYC I was investigating all of the things that women do to keep themselves objectively perfect and youthful- there are so, so many beautiful people here. Everywhere I turn someone can sell me something to make me more attractive and in times when my self-esteem is in the red, I will buy that shit. It’s getting better, though the other day I was getting a keratin treatment on my hair and was freaked out by the toxicity of the process. I was wearing a mask, 2 young women with smoking blowdryers in masks heat-sealing the formaldehyde into my hair… at one point I had to stop them because I thought my eyes and lungs were bleeding and I needed some air. I told these girls they should have respirators, but they were from Honduras and didn’t know what I was saying. If I go back, I will bring them. All this to maybe have a wash-and-go frizz free life for a few months! I digress, but, this was the event that got me thinking about the Holy Grail of the fucking crazy things that women are doing to their naturally perfect and beautiful selves: labiaplasty.
For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is the surgical removal of (most often) the labia minora. It is exactly what you think it is, go ahead, Google it. As a medical procedure it has been around for a long time, but every year it is multiplying exponentially as a favored procedure (http://www.bizjournals.com/bizwomen/news/out-of-the-office/2014/03/americans-women-mostlyspent-12-billion-on-plastic.html?page=all). We are spending fuckloads of cash on plastic surgery in general, and I’m not judgy about it- we all know that money could be better spent, but hey- the problem is not the cost or science of plastic surgery. It’s our values.
A few years back, I was moonlighting as a make-up artist and this is when I first caught wind of this procedure. In fact, the girls (literally, most of these women were under 25) were passing around a trade secret which was that there was a certain local doctor who you could see, tell him that your labia bothered you during intercourse or caused discomfort/chafing while you were walking, and he would cut em off with a local anesthetic in the office for your insurance co-pay. You’re right to shake your head, it took me a second too, when I was first hearing this, for my brain to comprehend the information. These unbelievably beautiful, sweet young girls with gorgeous everything were having their little pussies mutilated because they thought there was something wrong with their bodies. Mostly because they or their partners had seen some porn sculpted version or they were still thinking they were supposed to look like the camel-toe diagram from sex-ed in 5th grade. And lookit, these girls were not getting this procedure simply because they wanted to have perfect little porn-twats, it’s because they wanted to be loved. That’s what it is all for, sweeties- when you trace that trickle back to it’s source, bottom line: if I am “perfect” you will love me. That is what it is ALL for.
So I talked with most of my lady friends about this, and I wanted to know all about their chochas and what they thought of them; what had they heard or read; what kind of feedback were they getting from their lovers about their labes. Most were concerned and ashamed; many had heard certain street slang which I will not repeat because it’s atrocious. Two friends with remarkably intact self-esteem thought this was all bananas. I considered my relationship to my lily over the years and the really fucked up part is that for all of the praise, awe, and pleasure that part of my body had received over the years, I was hung up on ONE little conversation I had with a very important ex boyfriend where, in an insecure girlie moment, I was freaking out about my body, talking about boob jobs and lip-lops and he was like “love you baby, but I wouldn’t complain if you did those things”… and not that I am blaming him at all- he was not the genesis of the idea, he too was reared on porn and misogyny and idealized female beauty. Bless him.
From what I learned from my friends, and in the rest of my experience, most men are just grateful you let them touch it 😉 My favorite response from a girlfriend was “Never had any complaints!”
Thank God I had all those conversations with my girlfriends, tho- because what I saw was that we all felt the same; maybe if we all felt like something was wrong with us, just run the numbers- maybe it really meant that everything was alright with us. I have not had the procedure, but it’s not like it doesn’t cycle back through my little monkey-mind from time to time. Then, usually, I will g-chat with a good friend and she will tell me I am being an idiot and I should give extra love to my beautiful parts. For anyone who comes across a woman who thinks she needs labiaplasty for cosmetic reasons (I’m sure there are actually medically necessary reasons too), you can just tell her she is a beautiful, sexy idiot with the prettiest, most delicious cunt anyone would ever want. Give her a gift card for a bikini wax or a special pick for a bush-coif, some lacy lingerie, and a full length mirror that she can straddle, purr and adore her reflection in.
Most of the time I love my vajee and I’m just grateful for all the magical things she can do. I hope if you don’t feel that way yet, you might after watching this little bit from Louis CK “Chewed Up”. The whole 10 minutes are funny but, you know, offensive to some- so if you want to only hear his pussy-worship, just forward to about 4:50 and tryyyyyyy to lighten up 😉
xxx
no i do not love you 