Day 4: You Could Be My Ace

RIght before I got on the subway tonight, I looked up to see the moon rise right up next to the ESB.  While photographing, I sang Christopher Cross quietly to myself, “if you get caught between the moon and New York City… I know it’s crazy, but it’s true- when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love” … I should have known given the love drunk air I have been breathing these past few days but I was caught unawares. And I totally fell in love.  This young man sat near me on the L-train (the LOVE train) and we very naturally started laughing and talking as the people across from us started sharing a fifth of whiskey.  Then as the train got more crowded, he slid right up next to me, and I felt every cell in my body turn to him as if he were the Sun and I made of chlorophyll.   His birthday was yesterday (31), he went to an exotic restaurant for dinner and had fancy desserts where they wrote happy birthday on his plate in chocolate sauce, and he thought this was the best thing ever. I melted from his genuine simplicity. Then he went dancing.  He marveled at how many people shared his birthday, I marveled at his fashion sense.  I mentioned the blog to him and he was really interested.  I asked him if he was single and he is not; I told him that if he was, I would definitely be asking him out (you know, for the mission!).  He told me if he was single, he would definitely be saying yes.  We rode the rest of the way, continued to talk close but respectably.  He talked about what it was like for him to ask women out- weighing regret and rejection, he always leaned toward risking rejection.  He told me how he likes to rock a pink flash sneaker or t in support of women’s health.  I showed him the book I am reading (How to be a Woman  by Caitlin Moran) and he looked at the table of contents, remarking specifically on the chapter “I start bleeding”.  He said that he didn’t understand why men freak out about this, or why women feel embarrassed about it- because without it, none of us would be here.  Even as people got off the train, he did not move to put any space between us.  We talked about what it was like to grow up in the city as a young black man, and he said he wished that people could change skins just for one week, that the world would be so different.  He said he liked to hang out with gay men because they were peaceful and he didn’t have to worry about guns or violence.  We were transferring at the same stop, and as we got off the train I told him his girlfriend was a really blessed woman.  He said he did not want to get off the train.  As we were walking to the transfers, a group of teenage boys started to rush past us and get confrontational and he instinctively put his arm around me and turned my body toward him to protect me as we went by.  He retracted and apologized, I quickly said ‘no, no- that was nice’ and then we said goodbye, gave each other a long look, and he went to the J and I to the A, my blood feeling like champagne, my face flushed.

It was innocent and sweet and I’m really grateful for his fidelity and for my ability to respect other peoples relationships.  Life has not always been so clean in this respect.  I contemplated on the way home if there was even anything that needed to be said- like if I was coming home to a boyfriend, would this be an exchange that I needed to mention or that I would want my partner to mention to me.  The answer is no- because it was handled totally appropriately.  The truth is that even when we are in committed relationships, there will rarely be a person who shows up like a supernova- attraction so elemental and palpable.  While I give up the freedom to act on this kind of attraction when I am in a committed relationship, it doesn’t stop it from being so.  In previous relationships, this would have caused a huge problem- having this experience tonight showed me how much I have grown the fuck up and that humans can be trusted to behave in ways that honor each other.

He is so much more attractive to me because of his commitment to his partner.  Whoever she is, I hope she recognizes her blessings and loves that man the way he deserves to be loved tonight and always.