Days 49 & 50: A Sentimental Mouth

☆☆☆ MIDPOINT☆☆☆

That’s right!  Shit, it is hard to imagine doing this for just as much more time as it has been done already, if that makes sense.  Among the most popular questions that people ask me when discussing this project is what would I do if I met someone really awesome while in the middle of it.  The answer is that I don’t know- I think love takes it’s own course in spite of our best efforts to avoid, force or control it.  It’s generally been interesting to consider this whole thing in relation to the subject or the men that I am asking out- because obviously it’s often bigger than just the initial question.  One thing that is on my mind this morning is how I think about men- categorically, individually, as a species of their own; human of course but somehow distinct from me, other than, foreign.  Unexamined and powerful, this ideology is alienating- I feel like I have missed out on so much of what is beautiful and lovable about these creatures.  And I love men, I really do- but I think I may have been doing some combination of objectifying and idealizing that has prevented me from really honoring the humanity and divinity of men.  I’m really sorry- I feel pretty sad about this.  You all deserved way better and I hope that from this moment forward I can make it up to you by showing up open, curious, and available to love each of you in a purely creative and respectful way.

This morning I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the business card of the man that I met last night at a going-away/moving-on party for a friend.  In this way, I woke up smiling because I had a great time with him, and his affection left a sort of sweetness about me, like the air around a cotton candy machine.  Open your mouth and breathe this in the next chance you get.  In that precious state of almost pre-consciousness that happens just between waking and the end of the first cup of coffee, moments of our conversations from the night before came to mind, the color of his eyes, the dimple on his right cheek, his bottom lip, the way he would place his hand on the side/back of my skull to pull my ear closer to his mouth to make sure I could hear him and how this would cause me to tingle and lose focus, just like inhaling a big hit of some really good pot.  By the time I was on my second cup and getting into the shower, I was thinking that he’s really sweet and cute but we are obviously not going to date-date but I could just enjoy his Ecuadorian cooking and that bottom lip for a little while… and this amazing thought interjection happened, like the voice of God or something.  And that voice asked me,

“Why don’t you set aside this predetermination and try to get to know him as a person before you decide just what’s possible here?”

See, because what had categorized this man as ‘out of my league’ is that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is really, really attractive- and, well, I have a ‘thing’ about this.  Like a really big thing.  Most of the time I assume that men, all of them, prefer the company of much younger women- women who are younger than them and much younger than me.  If a younger man is flirting with me, I generally assume that he is being polite.  Or if a young man gives me his seat on the subway, it’s out of a general respect and courtesy  for older women. Honestly.  Or if I can see that he is flirting with/interested in me, it is that he is curious about having sex with an older woman because he has heard that older women are really great in bed because they have more experience and are less self-conscious or something.  In fact, when I walked into this party last night, I heard someone call out my name and I was so surprised to see that it was this young man- surprised that he remembered my name (we met once for 7 seconds months ago) and super impressed when he came over to greet me and point out to me where the guest of honor was, since I really didn’t know anyone else there.  That second part, his thoughtful kindness and obviously well-raised manners totally caught me off guard and sort of amplified the idea that he saw me as a super-adult, like, someone’s parent and not just some other peer at the party, you know?  This is totally my complex, my silly shit- he’s just awesome and kind- I’m the one with the AARP complex around young attractive men. I thought about this more during the day, about all of the people I know with 5+ years age difference between them, and I was imagining the older person in the scenario, how they might have behaved and what they were thinking… and I suspect that mostly they were just happy to have met someone cute and awesome who they enjoyed spending time with.

I often ask myself what my friends would do and then do that.  They are a fucklot smarter than me and they have lives I admire, relationships I might want for myself.  Thanks friends for being awesome.

It became pretty clear after talking with this man for a few minutes that the chemistry was correct.  He is easy to talk to, hilarious, warm, earnest- doing really great things with his time and his life.  I have not laughed that hard in a long time.  He taught me how to take my time and savor something by demonstrating on a Starburst. Sentimentally, he suggested I keep the wrapper.  He’s my kind.  He told me that he couldn’t exactly describe the kind of woman that he was looking for, but believed he would know it when he saw it.  The longer we spoke the more he would put his hand on my upper arm or lower back, I instinctively touched his chest.  We discussed this blog, I told him I was going to make him my number 5-0; he told me I ruined it and needed better game than that to get with him.  At this I wasn’t exactly shut down but I certainly reconsidered if I was going to do it or not, in a paranoid way I thought maybe he was warning me that he would reject me. We sort of wandered off to talk to other people for a bit, I thought I might have freaked him out with the blog or just with myself so I let it go.

We circled back and at some softer moment I did get a little serious with him and let him know I was really attracted to him and would love to have dinner with him.  Watching his eyes then his mouth as he watched my eyes then my mouth.  Stepping back to get some air, waiting.  He said yes he would like to have dinner with me. When I took out my phone to get his number, he preferred to give me a card but did not have one with him.  Conveniently, his office is in the building, so we went to his office to find that card…

I took a cab home and stopped in the souq for cat food.  My Yemeni friends lit up to see me.  I probably looked a little dreamy.  Not dreamy-hot, like dreamy-orbit.  As I was checking out, the one who previously asked me out asked me for a kiss and I obliged him.  I’m sure I was emanating a kiss me kiss me kiss me vibe.

I’m not sure I have ever really dated more than one person at a time, and next week I have 2 second dates and a first.  It’s not so bad because I don’t find myself obsessing about any individual person, but I do feel a little less available, less accessible- fragmented, shrewd.  Recalling the advice of one of the non-monogamists/polyamorists, which was to be fully and passionately in the moment with the person that was there, make that experience the best that it could be.  Love the one you’re with.  Keep it light, breezy, open- notice and do not attach.  Gather information.  Be sweet, be free.  The Tarot reading I did last week indicated that I would soon be faced with many choices, and warned that I not just take the one that looked the best.  Our sense of sight is, after all, the least reliable of the 6.

xxx