It was just a matter of time before this happened. I’m surprised it took so long.
My heart was stolen by a(nother) gay man.
This man showed up twice in my world today. The first time I saw him I thought ‘Wow, his light is so so bright’ and wanted to know him immediately. Such a strikingly beautiful and evenly proportioned man- stylish, groomed, fit- articulate, lovely, kind. We were in a meeting together, and I really wanted to speak to him after but got caught up doing other things and he slipped away. Lo and befuckinhold, the same man happened to be at a meeting I went to later this evening- it was spooky, really. Spooky in the good way, the way that keeps happening this week. I must have Neptune floating through my house of romance or something. I did learn of his preference before popping the question, but the honest truth is he is the one my sights set on today. I did not ask him out (haha! I might!) but we exchanged big warm muscular yummy hugs and found it wild to see each other for the first time twice in the same day. It seemed obvious to me from the moment that I saw him that there was something very special that we were supposed to exchange- I’m excited to meet him.
He is not the first gay man I have wanted to ask out- in fact, I was super hot for a very good friend of mine for the first few weeks of our courtship. I was unsure until one day I saw him greeting some of the other girls (gay men) with lip kisses. Later in our friendship he asked me not to be physically affectionate with him in public because I was cock-blocking him. He realizes that his preference is maybe a little ambiguous.
I think I may just be so hermaphroditic in my energy and preferences that it doesn’t always seem so obvious to me. It also would not be far off to say that I can be a little… oblivious, spacey, naive.
It’s been a couple of days since I have written because I’ve been a little… distracted. I ended up meeting The One Who Got Away (Days 26, 27) for coffee the other day- Wednesday? Yes, two days ago. I also saw him last night. I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this at all, but he lives happily in a non-monogamous/polyamorous Lifestyle.
Beetlejuice, man.
Earlier this year, I was deep in consideration about the Lifestyle because my former lover (see Day 10) and I started discussing some pretty serious stuff. I was of the position, for years actually, that he and I might consider being primary partners in a polyamorous lifestyle. At that time, I did not think that ‘not us’ was an option- in fact, I thought we had stood the test of time over any of our other partners and that we were always going to figure out how to remain lovers. Really. I thought that one day I would meet someone else that I would want to be in a relationship with and would be trying to figure out how I would explain this other relationship in my life, how much I would be asking of someone to accept that I have this long term lover that I would like to maintain a relationship with. Relief from this inquiry was one of many ways I saw the end of our relationship as a liberation, God doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Then there was the Columbian (see Day 7) and all of the wide-eyed excitement I felt about the spiritual/creative expansion available through the polyamorous experience; I have long believed there to be an unlocking quality to “unconventional” sexual relationships (see Day 5). I’ve had a lot of questions and thoughts about this for a long time. Earlier in my life, it was this heart question about loving people well- like, if I really love someone, wouldn’t I want everyone to see and experience all that is lovable about them, and to communicate that loveability (thats not a word is it) to them so they can feel awesome all the time? Following that thought, contemplating how to really live out that idea, it’s all about communication: if we are living with the fear of losing each other to someone else in front of us, then it wont seep in and poison the relationship with jealousy and fear and all that crazy shit that comes along with it. Or maybe if non-monogamy means we don’t have to fear anything in this regard- that instead, we can live beyond it.
I don’t know.
I’ve been cheated on, too- and that shit sucks. In the past I have been possessive, jealous, and controlling of partners and lovers. I have seen infidelity destroy love like a hand grenade- perfectly wonderful people who love each other and build big awesome lives together, all of it, disappears in a flash because someone fucks around. Seems like entering into relationships with the expectation that someone is never going to get down with anyone else is somewhat unrealistic. Is it? We all decide that for ourselves. I’m for a love that frees us and part of that might just mean freeing us to evolve in ways that include sexuality. Don’t think this doesn’t scare me in places I don’t even understand. And yes, I get this *might be the privileged perspective of a single woman.
Whatever, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject. I’m sure you do too.
SO, back to TOWGA… he is not available for a relationship in the conventional sense. I asked him directly “Are you inviting me into The Lifestyle or are you inviting me into Your Life?” and obviously the answer was a little of both, but mostly the former. I wanted to get my expectations aligned from the jump because honestly I was up for either- would love to date him with this magnetic and enthralling added layer, would also love to just have some fun, check out the Lifestyle. He explained to me that while there are many people in the Community who are more polyamorous- like, in serious primary relationships and have romantic/sexual other relationships- that he is not currently into that. He has many female friends, and he has sex with many of them. Regularly. He also loves to attend these sex parties (? I’m not sure that’s what we call them, I will have to study the terms, learn the language)(I ordered some literature) and meet people there to have some sex with. He could not be happier with his sex-positive, drama-free lifestyle- he gets to have lots of sex with lots of beautiful women, he has great times with great friends, he is living the dream. Just a note that there could not be a more attractive man “inviting” women into the community. He’s fucking dreamy in every way.
That said, he offered to bring me to a party. YES, please bring me to a party. The timing couldn’t be better, given that I am still committed to this project for another 2 months. I have done so much of the internal work healing and letting go of maladaptive shit and learning how to love and be in functional relationships- it’s really time to experiment with that out in the world. I just see it as an offering- like, here is a way for me to become more free and more real. More exactly me; knowing what I want and how to communicate that. The more free and real I am, the more I will attract people who are actually attracted to ME- encouraging and accepting of what makes me happy, what helps me grow and heal. I told him and I will tell you that I have thought about little other than this since he and I had coffee Wednesday, and that it feels like my skull is too tight for all of the thinking my brain is doing. If the creative, sexual, and spiritual energy are the same root source- which I believe they are- I’m so so ready for this deep dive. Might just blow my mind.
Might make for some very interesting boudoir stories.
Could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…
xxx
no i do not love you 