I’m a little shy of 100 days and heaven knows my counting was corrupted a long time ago, but I am going to officially move on from the original concept of the 100 invitations over 100 days. I will continue to write and I invite you to continue reading.
Here are some points of reflection and conclusion:
1. I was/am bored. I need to be doing something creative at all times. It’s like a puppy that needs to be taken for a run daily, the energy gets all bottled up otherwise. I knew that, actually- I guess I just got caught up doing whatever whatever over the past year and I have barely been creating anything. Asking people out (almost) everyday brought a lot of fun and insight, but writing about it was the thing I enjoyed the most. I believe that the creative, sexual, and spiritual energies derive from the same root source and when one is imbalanced the others suffer- but also that when one is booming, the others can expand dreamily. I think too that sometimes it is easier to look outside of myself to fill the deficit. Yes, sometimes when I am bored or dissatisfied or disconnected, I can quickly blame feeling that way on not having a partner or lover… when I think I just re-discovered that the actual need is to spend some time with my hands in the clay, pushing the fabric through the machine, or spray-painting some stickies or stencils in the backyard. Or go dancing. Im pretty sure dancing is holy. The point is that more than dating or fucking or whatever, I need to be actively creating as an essential aspect of who I am. I *think when I am fulfilled and growing there, I am totally in myself. AND WHEN I am fully embodied, I am attracting energies/people into my life who vibe on me and my thing.
2. Men are human. People are people. There is so much to say about the first statement and how profoundly different I feel in this one way. I am just in this new awareness about how I have objectified men and/or how I have sought them out as my own private on-demand source of affection, sex, validation, company, emotional distraction and/or absorption, etc. On people being people, it’s just a matter of really seeing and listening. Many times when I approached someone I was interested in, I was surprised to discover their person- and then find I was not at all attracted or that curiously I was attracted to people to whom I was at first ambivalent. It was unscientific and irregular. I feel like if I had a “type” before, I’ve thrown it out now because I am waiting for someone to show her/himself to me and then I can ask them to move away or come closer. One more thing about this is that it has softened the experience of rejection because now I really see that rejection does not mean I am unattractive or unloveable, it just means I am not the preferred flavor or someone is unavailable. Or I suppose many other reasons but really, it’s not a referendum on my attractiveness. I have many times had the experience of finding totally attractive, lovable people not attractive to me for sometimes obvious and other times indelible reasons. We are all just doing the best we can to be happy, living out our version of the dream. I feel confident that me and my dream will one day fit perfectly with someone else’s.
3. Historically, I have not been acting normally around people that I am crushing on or want to sleep with. This has actually given me the opportunity to notice it and make very very different choices about how I behave and communicate with the people I am attracted to. And even when I don’t really have the power to act differently, I can observe what I am doing and change the way I judge myself for it. Move from “You’re so fake” to “It’s very sweet that you like this person so much that you really want to impress them.” At the end of the day, I don’t want to attract someone by being different than I am and for me the vulnerability of self is tricky, even with close friends. I’m learning. I have some people in my life who show me love even in or maybe especially in my hideousness. These are the people I want to be around. I have been in relationships with people who fell for the lie and when they saw me they fled and that was some fucked up painful stuff, in the relationship and when it ended. Now I just want someone who loves me as is and doesn’t try to shame me for the things about myself that are me.
4. I think I want to date women. Well, at least one woman.
5. When someone is not interested or unavailable, respect that. Part of respecting that means not questioning it or trying to manipulate a different outcome. Oh, that reminds me: when someone does not want to have sex, it’s also really important to just respect that, not question it, and it’s really cool to continue to be physically intimate even when you know someone will not fuck you. I feel like this was covered in high school, but I just want to reiterate in case you forgot or thought that you were entitled to have sex with ANYBODY- whether it is the person you just met to your long term partner. Stating that you do not want to have sex stands on it’s own and healthy grown ups can say it and also hear it when someone else says it.
6. Energy is a real thing and we are all exchanging it with everyone we encounter. You can choose to have good energy and to share it with people freely. Sexual energy is distinct and noticeable and powerful and is something that should be wielded with care.
7. I want to be able to express myself completely with people I am having sex with and I don’t want any of those relationships to suffer the limitations of being exclusively sexual. And truthfully, for me, if I am not emotionally and spiritually attuned and connected to my lover, or do not wish to be, then the physical part ends. I might only be a love-maker. That actually suits me perfectly. And I guess the same statement applies to my lover not being spiritually and emotionally attuned and connected to me and closed to a deeper relationship growing: then the physical part must end also. Even though that is super hard for me to do, it’s just for the best.
8. Freedom is everything and the moment is the only place to be. Valuing these, love, and full self expression above all else doesn’t preclude a committed relationship and monogamy is not the only way to love. I’m not sure how all of this will shake out in my lifetime but I know I’m open to see how it evolves.
9. My perception of myself in the world is distorted and shape shifting.
10. No one is “out of my league”. Or yours. Ask for what you want- be grateful and open to what comes.
And maybe that’s all I’ve got on this for now. I’m at peace, it’s at rest. Everything as it should be. I love, I love, I love and am so very ready to give it all to you.
I consider myself a pretty laid back woman, maybe moderately emotionally neurotic, but otherwise pretty chill. I can easily lose myself and time completely watching clouds shape-shift; I often just sit peacefully and do nothing but immerse myself in a delightful cup of dark coffee; I have lost hours of my life arranging flowers or pruning plants. I’m just really in the moment. Or something…
… hoooooowwwwever, I’m always on the move. I wouldn’t have it any other way- everything I do is important to me, and there are never enough hours in the day/week/month to spend as much time as I would like to with the people that I love. I have to literally be taken out, knocked on my ass with physical illness to miss out on my gigantic beautiful life. And that is precisely what happened this past week.
I hurt my back like 3 years ago- it’s not a huge deal, many people have the same back issue that I have and somehow we all figure out how to co-exist with an often unreasonable amount of discomfort and physical limitation.
A little more than half the time, I can do whatever I want- because I take really great care of this body-temple with yoga, nutrition, rest, and H20. Sometimes, tho, I will sneeze or move the wrong way and boom! 4-8 weeks of limitation, rehabilitation, and frustration. Now, maybe 5 weeks ago I did *something, not sure what, and have been hammering through my life between chiropractor appointments and handfuls of ibuprofen. The first order from any doctor treating this particular back injury is “REST” and in my mind, this meant “do not exercise” which you can probably easily see are two totally different commands. Thus, my nature so refined, I came down with a fever and total inability to do anything but sleep and cry for the past 5 days- which has provided just the rest required to move me in the healing direction. Yay.
So, I have not done any asking outs or dates or anything even remotely frisky, I’ve mostly been asleep. When I could no longer lie down because it hurt too much, I gave myself a glamorous blow out and practiced my Mila Kunis smoky-eye make-up applications by watching YouTube videos. Honestly. I looked really hot (read:CRAYYYYZAAYYYY) when I went for the MRI, let me tell you: smokey eyed model hair in Chucks and skivvs wincing my way through the click click clicking of that modern day iron maiden. Bullshit.
SO, all I am saying here is HELLO and HERE I AM. So looking forward to some new action. Sort-of sad to say that the man I was really excited about last week has stopped communicating with me. I am or was surprised by it- our second date was really nice, and we had plans to do things together after that. There is no one thing that I could pick out to have predicted this. He did mention that he had a very hectic work week ahead, and I get that- but busy work week or not, we have all read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and if you haven’t, all it means in this context is, well, obviously dude is not that into me.
Remember this, my sweeties: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
That’s right! Shit, it is hard to imagine doing this for just as much more time as it has been done already, if that makes sense. Among the most popular questions that people ask me when discussing this project is what would I do if I met someone really awesome while in the middle of it. The answer is that I don’t know- I think love takes it’s own course in spite of our best efforts to avoid, force or control it. It’s generally been interesting to consider this whole thing in relation to the subject or the men that I am asking out- because obviously it’s often bigger than just the initial question. One thing that is on my mind this morning is how I think about men- categorically, individually, as a species of their own; human of course but somehow distinct from me, other than, foreign. Unexamined and powerful, this ideology is alienating- I feel like I have missed out on so much of what is beautiful and lovable about these creatures. And I love men, I really do- but I think I may have been doing some combination of objectifying and idealizing that has prevented me from really honoring the humanity and divinity of men. I’m really sorry- I feel pretty sad about this. You all deserved way better and I hope that from this moment forward I can make it up to you by showing up open, curious, and available to love each of you in a purely creative and respectful way.
This morning I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the business card of the man that I met last night at a going-away/moving-on party for a friend. In this way, I woke up smiling because I had a great time with him, and his affection left a sort of sweetness about me, like the air around a cotton candy machine. Open your mouth and breathe this in the next chance you get. In that precious state of almost pre-consciousness that happens just between waking and the end of the first cup of coffee, moments of our conversations from the night before came to mind, the color of his eyes, the dimple on his right cheek, his bottom lip, the way he would place his hand on the side/back of my skull to pull my ear closer to his mouth to make sure I could hear him and how this would cause me to tingle and lose focus, just like inhaling a big hit of some really good pot. By the time I was on my second cup and getting into the shower, I was thinking that he’s really sweet and cute but we are obviously not going to date-date but I could just enjoy his Ecuadorian cooking and that bottom lip for a little while… and this amazing thought interjection happened, like the voice of God or something. And that voice asked me,
“Why don’t you set aside this predetermination and try to get to know him as a person before you decide just what’s possible here?”
See, because what had categorized this man as ‘out of my league’ is that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is really, really attractive- and, well, I have a ‘thing’ about this. Like a really big thing. Most of the time I assume that men, all of them, prefer the company of much younger women- women who are younger than them and much younger than me. If a younger man is flirting with me, I generally assume that he is being polite. Or if a young man gives me his seat on the subway, it’s out of a general respect and courtesy for older women. Honestly. Or if I can see that he is flirting with/interested in me, it is that he is curious about having sex with an older woman because he has heard that older women are really great in bed because they have more experience and are less self-conscious or something. In fact, when I walked into this party last night, I heard someone call out my name and I was so surprised to see that it was this young man- surprised that he remembered my name (we met once for 7 seconds months ago) and super impressed when he came over to greet me and point out to me where the guest of honor was, since I really didn’t know anyone else there. That second part, his thoughtful kindness and obviously well-raised manners totally caught me off guard and sort of amplified the idea that he saw me as a super-adult, like, someone’s parent and not just some other peer at the party, you know? This is totally my complex, my silly shit- he’s just awesome and kind- I’m the one with the AARP complex around young attractive men. I thought about this more during the day, about all of the people I know with 5+ years age difference between them, and I was imagining the older person in the scenario, how they might have behaved and what they were thinking… and I suspect that mostly they were just happy to have met someone cute and awesome who they enjoyed spending time with.
I often ask myself what my friends would do and then do that. They are a fucklot smarter than me and they have lives I admire, relationships I might want for myself. Thanks friends for being awesome.
It became pretty clear after talking with this man for a few minutes that the chemistry was correct. He is easy to talk to, hilarious, warm, earnest- doing really great things with his time and his life. I have not laughed that hard in a long time. He taught me how to take my time and savor something by demonstrating on a Starburst. Sentimentally, he suggested I keep the wrapper. He’s my kind. He told me that he couldn’t exactly describe the kind of woman that he was looking for, but believed he would know it when he saw it. The longer we spoke the more he would put his hand on my upper arm or lower back, I instinctively touched his chest. We discussed this blog, I told him I was going to make him my number 5-0; he told me I ruined it and needed better game than that to get with him. At this I wasn’t exactly shut down but I certainly reconsidered if I was going to do it or not, in a paranoid way I thought maybe he was warning me that he would reject me. We sort of wandered off to talk to other people for a bit, I thought I might have freaked him out with the blog or just with myself so I let it go.
We circled back and at some softer moment I did get a little serious with him and let him know I was really attracted to him and would love to have dinner with him. Watching his eyes then his mouth as he watched my eyes then my mouth. Stepping back to get some air, waiting. He said yes he would like to have dinner with me. When I took out my phone to get his number, he preferred to give me a card but did not have one with him. Conveniently, his office is in the building, so we went to his office to find that card…
I took a cab home and stopped in the souq for cat food. My Yemeni friends lit up to see me. I probably looked a little dreamy. Not dreamy-hot, like dreamy-orbit. As I was checking out, the one who previously asked me out asked me for a kiss and I obliged him. I’m sure I was emanating a kiss me kiss me kiss me vibe.
I’m not sure I have ever really dated more than one person at a time, and next week I have 2 second dates and a first. It’s not so bad because I don’t find myself obsessing about any individual person, but I do feel a little less available, less accessible- fragmented, shrewd. Recalling the advice of one of the non-monogamists/polyamorists, which was to be fully and passionately in the moment with the person that was there, make that experience the best that it could be. Love the one you’re with. Keep it light, breezy, open- notice and do not attach. Gather information. Be sweet, be free. The Tarot reading I did last week indicated that I would soon be faced with many choices, and warned that I not just take the one that looked the best. Our sense of sight is, after all, the least reliable of the 6.
Of the serious boyfriends of my life, I have met 3 of them on April 8th. No lie.
My High-school Sweetheart: 4/8/1994
I was working at a popular roadside ice cream and burger stop. It was a Friday night early in the season and I had plans with my girls to go to a party hosted by an older boy, I think he may have been in his second year of college. I was 2 months shy of 16. When I saw the white Honda Prelude pull up, my heart quickened, as I had seen this car before, and the guy who drove it was really, really hot. He was tall and tan, had that long-ish skater punk hair, sea blue-green eyes,the straightest teeth and sweetest smile. He did not go to my high school, I didn’t know him. He and his friend got into the line at my window,looking at me and kind of whispering to each other. They ordered, flirtatiously, and sat a table waiting for their order, still watching me. I was blushing and showing off in the way 15 year old girls do. I made sure that I, personally, called their order out over the speaker, they came up and his friend asked me if I had a boyfriend, which, at the time I did not. I looked at my crush and asked them if they wanted to come back later when I got out to go to a party, they said sure. Haha, I guess I had those instincts even at 15… it’s true, I knew.
Sure enough, he and his friend came back to meet me. My besties came to pick me up, and the boys got in the car with us and off we went. I sat right on his lap in the back seat pile up- I think there were at least 4 or 5 of us squeeshed in. We got high, we sang songs, laughing and radiating out into the night. When we spilled out of the car, I whispered to him “Will you hold my hand, please?” and he smiled, reached out and took my hand and said “Of course. Why?” and I replied, “Because I don’t want any of these other girls to think they can hit on you” and we walked into the house, laughing, holding hands.
There was a little drama upon arrival- I was part of a crew of boys, and one of those boys had his mark on me. He did not like to see me walk in holding a strangers hand, and he made it known by being a total dick to my dude. We got more high, more drunk- our high school parties always got stupid, people barfing and setting things on fire; standing in spontaneous circles spitting on each others shoes and laughing at the expense of someone else.
In a drunken heartbeat hallway, we were alone and we fell into someone’s bedroom. I don’t remember when the first kiss happened but now we were moving, fast, beyond that. Drunk and unexpected, I took him in my hands; he came quickly and I gasped ‘Ohhh I’m so sorry!’ because, well, the mess. He burst out laughing and told me he had never heard of someone apologizing for making someone come, and I burst out laughing too. We lay there laughing and kissing and smiling for a bit; cleaned up and made our way back out to the keg, where we split up to report back to our people, like we did way back then.
The next day, I saw him again, and by Sunday, he was my boyfriend. He got me a kitten for my 16th birthday and we named the kitten Paco. Inseparable and happy, we stayed together until midway through my first semester of college… Then one morning after tripping at a Violent Femmes show, I woke up and, without warning, smashed his heart into bits after breakfast.
The First One I Lived With: 4/8/2001
He worked at a pizza place up the hill from the youth center I was working in. I went there often with the kids and sort of smoldered awkwardly in his presence, every time. He was tall and thin with very trendy dark rimmed glasses, spiky black hair and white blue eyes. So Weezer. I loved his big Jewish nose and his little boy lips, giant hands, and the way he moved. His movements were both exaggerated and deliberate but he was somehow floaty and soft, like sunny day clouds.
I loved him.
One night I was over there with 2 of the kids I was particularly close to- they were a couple and they were funny. She knew I had a crush on him and totally embarrassed the SHIT out of me by asking him if he was single, telling him that I was and that I thought he was really hot. He looked at me quizzically and I burned bright red, scrunched my face, shook my head and turned heel, walked right out. The kids came after me laughing trying to drag me back but there was no way. Humiliating.
Some time later, I was in a bar playing pool with some friends and he came up to the table, laid his quarters down for the next game. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. I was a hella pool player as was my partner, so we won and up he came for the match. He was a hella pool player as was his partner; I don’t remember who won, but I do know we flirted our way around that table! He was UP on me and I was SO into it. We talked away for the rest of the night, he was drinking Red Bull and vodkas and I could smell that faux strawberry Red Bull smell on his breath. Just a sweet and happy drunkie, smoking his Marlboro lights, among a crew of friends who I could tell were all good people. It was easy to see he was gold. I asked him if he remembered me from the awkward incident in the pizza shop and he freaked out when he made the connection. That day, he had gotten his first real job as a graphic designer for a small Chinese appliance company in New York City. He took my number on the inside of his cigarette pack, kissed me before I left. Exhilarated and turned out into the starry, sweet smelling New Paltz night, lovestruck; driving and singing my way over the mountain.
That was a Friday, and when he called me the next night Saturday Night Live was on and it was Coldplay’s first appearance. They played the song ‘Yellow’ in the background of our call; he invited me over the next day for a grill and canoe in the afternoon. I accepted. He lived with a couple dudes in a cabin right on the Walkill River. He bounced out to the car when I pulled up, took my hand and gave me a tour of the house and property. He introduced me to his roomates and friends who were enjoying the afternoon, they were all super nice and everything was beautiful.
“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” as Kurt Vonnegut said…
We had a fast and sweet 3 months, he was so thoughtful and fun to be with. There was something that was a little off for me, I was uncomfortable and couldn’t really pinpoint what or why, but at the time I interpreted it as I wasn’t really into him. We broke up, he did not take it well; I was sad and confused about it but it seemed like the right thing to do. A couple months later I saw him in the bar and we ended up going home together. Things kind of went like that for a few weeks- we were hanging out and sometimes having sleep overs, but we were not quite back together- you know. Like that.
Then on September 11, 2001, I was driving home from my morning class at the college and I was listening to live radio of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. I stopped for a pack of smokes and got home quickly, tried to call him and his phone was busy. I knew nothing of the geography of NYC at that time, but I knew his office was right in the middle of it and I was really really scared. I was sitting on the floor of my apartment in my underwear taking bong hits, watching live as the second plane hit; my mother called and suggested I come home right away. I kept trying to call him and could not reach him. Emailed; no response. I went to work and sat on the front porch steps consumed with worry. I called his good buddy to ask if he had heard anything, and his friend said “Oh, he just got here- he was on the last bus they let out of the city- do you want to talk to him?” and I just hung up the phone, got into my car and drove to his friends apartment.
In all of my life, before and since, I have never been happier to see someone as I was to see him in that moment. I jumped into his arms and we cried. We smoked a bowl and played some video games, counted all of our ducks, made our way to the bar. It struck me that my feelings for this person must have been much deeper than I understood and that night, I told him I loved him and wanted to get back together. He agreed. On our way home from the bar, we got jumped in the parking lot- it was a mess. People got really hurt, and it was a hard awful day. He managed only a black eye, I had a sore throat.
Two months later we moved in together and had the best time in our first apartment. We painted every room and arranged all of our art, filled up our refrigerator and made love every night. He had a home office but commuted an hour and 45 minutes to the city every day. He loved me madly and was always funny and kind.
We lived in that apartment for 2 years and then moved closer to the city when I got a new job. Simultaneously, I was really getting strange and disturbed from all of the drugs and alcohol I had been consuming for the past 10 years. Our home life was bittersweet; he was starting to get really concerned about my drinking. One night he came home from work so so upset because that morning when he left, he could not wake me because I was so fucking trashed passed out wasted from the night before. I was deeply ashamed and promised to get better but what I really did was started lying and hiding my alcohol and drug use. It was a dark time.
We lost that apartment and he told me he thought I had a problem and needed to get help. We moved back in with our respective parents to try to sort things out. One evening I went down to visit him, he had prepared a picnic on his front lawn, purchased my favorite red wine. As soon as he saw me he started to cry and asked me “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” I looked down and the blanket and nodded, huge tears falling from my face to my hands. He threw the wine bottle and the glasses, those big deliberate movements, floating thunderstorm clouds. I left him there, on the lawn at his parents house, and drove 90 minutes home to a bar. I woke up the next morning unsure of the night before, in the bed of a friend.
I spent the next 6 months in a black out, he and I did not see each other but would have sad sad conversations every now and then. He wanted me to come back and I was not sure, I was really fucked up and trying to figure things out. His life kept moving. Then one day he told me he met someone else and was going to date her- I needed to think hard and fast. A month later, he called to tell me he had fallen in love with someone else and could not speak to me anymore.
In a way that I did not understand or see at the time, he was like my last life line, the only thing I had that was possibly going to tether me to myself or life as it had been and suddenly he was gone. Forlorn and exhausted, I must have prayed; within days, I stopped drinking and using drugs and that was over 10 years ago.
The One I Never Really Had: 4/8/2006
In the early days of MySpace, one day a message came through from a local performer, inviting me to check out one of the shows he hosted at a local bar. I kind of felt bad for him, and admired him for doing this kind of individual social networking recruitment (my, times have changed, huh?!) so I wrote him back to thank him and said I would be happy to come to a show. He wrote me back, and suddenly we were in it- and IT was very cute- anticipating his messages, creepin on his pictures.
Within days, he asked me to meet him for tea at a local coffee shop that I hung out at a lot. I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember clearly standing outside chatting with some friends when he walked up. I caught his elbow before he went inside, he smiled huge and kissed me on the cheek, introduced himself to my friends. Led me by the arm as he held the door to go inside. We ordered jasmine green teas and went up to the loft, where we stayed for hours. It was early and obvious, what was happening there. He was not shy to reach down and touch my foot to say he liked my shoes; hook his finger on my shirt to pull it down and admire the tattoo on my chest; lean in to smell my perfume. He wore Aqua di Gio and to this day I can’t think straight when I smell it. He was/is Sicilian and unbearably gorgeous, with the deepest man voice on Earth, the softest brown eyes. Goofy, easily worked up, loud, self-effacing, doped on me, sexy as hell.
Within the week, we met at the coffee shop 2 more times before I invited him over to my apartment for tea. As I write this, my heart is swelling, in memory of that time in my life, the early days of him. I have written other parts of this story here- Day 10, Days 28 & 29.
Sometimes I think all the bad karma I accumulated from the ways I hurt the first two was all payed up with this one. Jesus, I hope so.
Um, not for nothing, I did just meet someone- who appears exceptionally great- the day before yesterday, or, 4/8. Not that that means anything or anything, but it is a very sweet first date entrance story. Briefly: He asked me to meet him at a popular speak-easy downtown. I arrived at the door and rang the bell. A full minute later, a beautiful woman out of time opened the door and greeted me apathetically, asking if I had a reservation. I said no and explained I was meeting someone here. She asked my name, then looked at her list and said “Oh, you are here to meet ____, come in” and she closed the door and locked it behind me, telling the other people there that she would be with them in a minute.
She was bustling about the front area, a man came out and asked for his coat. They had an exchange, she offered to take my coat- it was very warm and dark inside. Whisky smoke jazz, low light, lacy wallpaper & gold rimmed mirrors. Gatsby-esque. These are my people, this is my place. She hangs my coat, I tousle my mane and step down into a room of velvet couches candles and close couples, the opening horn of ‘At Last’ by Etta James croons as I cross the room. She tells me he is in the bar as we glide through the room , heads and eyes turning up to watch us. Just as I cross the threshold to the back room bar, Etta begins… “At laaaaaasssssst…” The hostess introduces us by name, he looks at me with a brilliant smile and Etta booms, “… my looooove has come hoooome…”
I am meeting someone tonight at one of New York City’s hottest… wait.
Stefon interlude!!!
🙂
Really, though- I am meeting a man for a drink after work at a very very nice place and he appears to be a very very nice man. I asked him out on Match a couple days ago with a persuasive and adorable email, if I do say… I am looking forward to it, I love meeting new people and going to new (sexy, NYC) places.
He definitely gets the heels.
I have been asking out a couple of men on Match every day for the past few days, it’s a little boring to read about I’m sure. Sorry. I have a couple of events this week that I anticipate will yield a good story or 2…
I’m still in the game. A beautiful life-long friend of mine sent me some powerful words of encouragement this morning (Thank you. That Stefon video is for you, Beep). She said,
“Anyway I’m still reading your blog like scripture and loving it. It makes me feel like part of your life and I love it. You are brave and sassy and beautiful. Keep going. He’s out there.
Changing up the Match profiles appears to have had an effect. Of the 4 men I engaged over the weekend, I have coffee/drink dates with 2 of them this week, the other 2 are not vibing on me and that is just fine. There have been a bunch of emails and winks from nice men that I probably will not respond too, but the action is validating. Feels like I am getting a little closer to the target, most of the time. Sometimes it feels like I’m just learning.
Saturday morning I was on my way into the city and there were hundreds, I mean literally hundreds of people at the subway station waiting for shuttle buses because they are doing work in the tunnels again. This has been going on periodically since January- and even though I am of course happy that they are making the trains safe and clean and preparing us for future hurricanes and stuff, it has also been a huge pain in my ASS mostly because I am rarely on time. I’ve figured out that I can skip the shuttle and just take the train further east to transfer in on another line- that other line happens to be the L (love train!) which is full of cutie Brooklyn boys of all types, which is a great way to start the day.
I was standing there on the pole, heh heh, sipping my juice and tuned into miPod, when the doors open and in walks this young man who looks like a cross between Yasin Bey and Will Smith, wearing those Malcom X glasses, so tall, so yummy. I notice this older woman on the train look him up and down like she is a leopard and he is an antelope, smiling to herself, admiring him- which was awesome. He stops at my pole, places his hand directly under mine and gives me a smile. DIMPLES. Oi. He seems a lot younger than me so I figured I would just do like Leopard Lady and enjoy him while he is before me. More people enter the train and he swings a little closer to me, I fit perfectly at his armpit nook. Because I am always carrying just a little too much crap with me, I have to use my nose to flip the lid on my juice cup and got some juice on my chin (don’t judge me). I look up at the young man and he is watching me as I wipe the beet juice off my chin (on to my sleeve) and smile at him. This is a real Tina Fey moment. It then occurred to me that I probably also had juice on my nose, so I am wiping off the entire visage with my sleeve while noticing just how tall and handsome my pole sharer is. He’s not looking at me anymore, he is typing something on his phone. My cat-like face cleaning stops and I resume my cool. Jesus. He surreptitiously looks at me from under his eyes and passes me his phone, which I take in my hands. In his notes, he has written:
“You are metal and I am a magnet all I want to do is get closer to you. You are so beautiful. [his Name, phone number]”
YO, THAT IS MY MOVE! Sort of 😉 It is pretty smooth and he is really cute; I am totally blushing and we are smiling at each other in that sweet way, swinging a little on the pole like kids would. I type back something like
“Thank you! You are gorgeous, I am so flattered. We should meet for a drink sometime [my name, phone number]”
Then we have this slow motion geek series of moments, where we kind of smile at each other and look away, look back and smile, nod, look away- it didn’t make any sense. I took off my headphones, smiled at him and he removed his then we spoke like humans do. He tells me that he grew up in Bed Stuy and comes from the streets and nobody in his life has called him gorgeous before. He asks what I am up to for the day, tells me he is going to help a friend assemble a crib- he likes to help out, smoke some stuff and build shit. It is not his baby, he does not have any babies. I ask him if he is of the mind to read the instructions or will he just figure it out. “Both,” he replies. Then, leaning in to me “Can you follow instructions?” Ah-hem. He is a straight talker, asks me when was the last time I was really satisfied… It’s not even 9:30 in the morning. Tells me that he takes great care of his body (clearly) and that he is very sexually talented and doesn’t understand why women aren’t demanding more satisfaction from their men.
“You got a man?” he asks, I lie and say “Yes, but it’s cool, we have an open arrangement.” He wants to know about me, what I do, what I like to do- we find common ground in poetry. He is about to get off the train and tells me that he wants to have that drink, and that he will send me some poetry during the day. He may have kissed me on the cheek, then he exited the train, turned and gave me a wave.
Whoa.
He did send me poetry, and it is very, very good. I love it.
That said, obviously this man has got some game. I won’t make assumptions about what that means, but I’m not so sure I am going to move forward with what he is offering. My instincts tell me it is not yet safe to do so, and I will heed them. A friend of mine (the one who I am always quoting for you) said to a group of us last week:
“Imagine that tomorrow night you are going to go to a party and there you are going to meet the person of your dreams, the one that you have been waiting and hoping for and he is totally available and ready to go, you just have to answer one question. That question is: what did you do yesterday?”
He then went on to say that the way that we live when we are single and dating really does matter. So many people, myself included, think that because we are single we can be really causal about who we are sleeping with… And yeahhhh, sure you can. Of course. The truth is that ALL of our behavior, especially sexual, reflects our values, how we feel about ourselves, and who we are. Maybe the way that I conduct myself sexually when single should reflect how I would be if I were in a relationship. Or that I should regard the person I am sexing with the consideration that this could very well turn out to be my life-partner and the last person I sleep with for the rest of my life. I shook my head and scoffed at most of this, but it is lingering around in my thoughts and in my heart I am aware that if ultimately, who I am looking for is that partner, I might be helpful to act as if that person is already here.
I have a lot to think about. I know, I know. There is no right or wrong, no formula for any of this. I have to be in the moment living it, spiritually connected and honest.
I have been following astrologer/writer Eric Francis for about 20 years now. His website is planetwaves.net where you can access his current work and archives for a fee. I have found that his writings are free in some places, too, though for many years I did pay to have direct access to his website and publications. I sometimes geek out on astrology. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I am thinking about it now because what Eric wrote about us Gems this month has everything to do with what I just wrote about, and with the themes that have been coming us vis-a-vis what kind of relationship do I want, who do I want to BE in that relationship, and what kind of person do I want to be in relationship with. Check out what he wrote:
“You need your own personal code, your way of life, that is distinct from anything that was ever imposed on you, and which depends on what you have learned from all your travels. Most of all your guide to living must be informed by the outcomes that you want, measured not so much in material things as in the form of ethics, cooperation, the value you place on your relationships, and most of all, the value you place on the future. These are things that count, and the things I suggest you keep right at the front of your mind, every step you take.”
Please excuse me for taking so long to write again. I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica. I really feel elderly when I say that. Sighhh. But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.
I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line. I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while. It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for. Shit, I had some good lines in there! Check this one out:
“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”
What an asshole!
So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh. I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery. That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people. I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not. I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them. Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.
There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.
After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes. I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them. Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too. Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one! 2 of them visited my profile. Ahhh, Match life.
It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time. In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun. I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get. One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable. Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.
If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them. I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works. And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great. Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.
One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards. I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.
It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry: “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”
Details below!
Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread
1. How you have come to your present situation or focus: V The Sage
Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power. Ancient knowledge will guide you. Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person. Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.
2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart. The bridge you need to cross:7 of Coins
A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished. A warning not to stop for too long. Time, reflection, self study. The payoff will come later. A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved. Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’. As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. Act.
3. The foundation or root of the issue:5 of Wands
Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!
A conflict fueled by creative differences. A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings. Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony. You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want. It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.
4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:Princess/Page of Swords
A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others. An idealist. Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown. Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind. May seem secretive to others. The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.
5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.
Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once. Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent. She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness. Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her. BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.
6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle:8 of Wands
The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration. Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon. Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static. Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery. Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.
7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation:XX Liberation
Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation. A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation. Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you. Making choices without blaming oneself or others. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.
8. Family and significant others, how you are perceived:6 of Cups
Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards. Carry what is good from the past into the present situation. The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place. Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.
9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative:King of Coins
A powerful man, financial or business leader. A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money. He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising. Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.
10. Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation:7 of Cups
Many elements or choices presented to the seeker. A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes. Imagination and vision. Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement. As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.
11. Gift, guide, hidden factor:10 of Wands
Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity. A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects. Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs. We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship. People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.
Riding the subway home, not terribly late- reading Henry and June by Anais Nin. This is one hell of a book. I looked up and saw a man, made space for him next to me- he was young and striking and had really incredible thick thighs. Tall, light eyed, hair like Magnum PI. Tentative. At first I was sure this was my moment for the question of the day. Glancing at him in my periphery, I just wasn’t so sure- but clearly I need the practice. So I reluctantly put down Anais and turned to him, friendly smile: “Are you on your way out or coming home?” On his way home from the restaurant where he works. We talked for a bit- he is 6 months in NYC from Minnesota. A very very young 26, but so sweet. After talking with him, I did not want to ask him out at all. I wanted to make him a sandwich and help him with his homework, you know?
Nonetheless, we got off the train and I noticed when he lengthend out he is a well constructed man- he looks like he has been working on a farm for his whole life. We laugh a bit, walk a ways together, I’m still not gonna do it- I just can’t. I notice his wet mouth, his teeth, those thighs- he is at least 6’0 and walking closer to me. I am seeing a little twinkle in his eyes and I chose not to walk with him to his street even though it could have been on my way, if I took a different way than I usually go. I said sweetly ‘Ok, I’m going to dip here hon” and he stopped and said ‘Oh? It was so nice to meet you…” I said ” you too!” and walked my ass home.
That counts, right? If it was earlier in the day, I would have tried again I swear. I was actually on my way home from a date with someone from Match (days 24 & 25). It was fun- we have a lot in common and strangely share some interesting history though we have not met before. I know that this man wants something serious, that he wants kids- both from his profile and early conversations. He made me laugh a lot, I could tell he liked me very much. I will go out with him again but I have no feelings about it. Juuuuust trying to be open- people tell me that sometimes someone grows on you, that people can be nervous or intimidated at first which I empathize with. Like many of you, and historically, I know immediately or within 3 minutes of knowing someone if I want to get with them or not. And when I don’t, so far, I never end up do-ing. If I try to, it always ends awkwardly, people get hurt and I feel guilty for experimenting with my openness to new experiences and new pathways to love on his time and investment. Shit, I might have to cancel… let me see after the next date.
I mean, I was wrong-ish about the architect (day 1) though if I am honest with you completely I will say I had some reservations from the start. They played themselves out quickly. Dates 2-3 I was getting kind of hot for him, but when he told me he is moving back to California and wanted to talk to me about being broken hearted and anxious after a social network review of his most recent ex, my flower closed. Reverse bloom. I felt that repulsion I was afraid to feel with him (day 21) and I think the fear I felt was my intuition warning me. It’s OK. It did suck to let it die- he asked me out a couple of times and I was legitimately busy, but I didn’t try to make another plan with him. And finally I thought of how I would like to be treated, and if I was now the woman that I want to grow into, how would I behave?… so I confronted it head on yesterday and thanked him but said the truth which is that I am looking for something different. Maybe we will be friends. If we are just friends then maybe I won’t have any energy about his yoga head band 😉
And it became clear to me today that the something different I am looking for is definitely not the kind of arrangement I had with my former lover of 8 years (day 10). I mean, I knew that, but something happened today that triggered a reaction based on the fear, hurt and harm I brought upon myself in that old relationship. Not to be vague haha, there’s not anything specific to say- a fear and sadness washed over me this afternoon and as I was feeling it I was able to identify clearly that what I was feeling was not of the moment I was in- it was historical, it was old wide deep water. Bayou swamp shit. It’s just that I don’t want to feel fucking crazy like that again- and get myself into an intimate situation with someone who is unavailable, where I find myself crossing my inner lines, in hope, to please; where I get all delusional and my desire for someone’s attention and affection, and to win them- have them CHOOSE ME- becomes more powerful than my instincts and desire to be loved-loved. Not love-to-be-fucked loved. It does not feel like a lie for me to want to have the experiences of non-monogamy, polyamory, and sexual vibrancy and freedom. I’m so so in- and I’m even ready for this stuff that is going to come up. Old ideas, in service of the ego, are only interested in their own survival. I was a feelings worshipper for so goddamn long that the super-ordination of this higher self- which now observes the feelings, triages them into categories then applies exploration, compassion and action- is just taking some getting used to. That and there were many years of my life that I did not love myself like this and was unable to want the Highest Love for myself. Now it feels like anything else, from friend lover or otherwise, just won’t do.
Some feedback I have been given about this project:
“You should develop a street team and challenge others to participate!”
“Rom Com!”
“Indie Film!”
“Book Deal!”
“Marry the architect!”
“Sell the iPad pick up to Apple!”
“Join Tinder- it will make for more interesting stories.”
These are all great ideas; let’s linger on that last one. Tinder, which I always call Grinder (hello ladies xoxo), might get this bitch into some trouble. Where is the challenge or character building in Tinder? Better stories from the swipe-n-fuck site? How insulting. No way. It’s bad enough that some days I can only tell you about Missed Connections and Match because I am a giant punk weenie and can’t wrangle all these tasty bones the Universe keeps throwing my way. Take this afternoon, par example: I was trying to open the door to the building where I teach yoga, it was raining, I was carrying approximately 40 bags and a cup of mint tea. I was struggling with the door. Someone bust through from the other side, and behold my weary eyes- there before me is a smiling, bedimpled, tall and curly headed darling. What style! What a smile! And he looks GROWN, yummmm! He says ‘oh, I am so so sorry’ and steps back, smiling that face ornament smile of his, opening the door for me like a civilized stallion would. I caught this moment, as it was happening, I want you to know. At least this time I could see it happening. Then I choked on it! and smiled and said ‘no, no! I’m so sorry, thank You so much for getting the door for me’ ha ha huh huh and we part ways chuckle-fucking huh ha ha and ha huh huh huhhhhhhhhOOO I suck at this.
I’m regressing; strong start and now my true colors are showing.
Match has been really active this week. I opened a very sweet surprise message yesterday, literally the moment I was at another wits end with on-line dating. This man ***appears to be quite well suited for me, tho, wait- let me not be negative. He seems great. Check out this cutie little banter we had:
(It is a picture of me adorning the sign at Adam Yauch park with flowers)
(I had checked out his profile- he’s a cutie pie in every way. Funny, successful, dimples- referred to himself as a pizza bagel because he is Italian & Jewish (what a wonderful combination, meow!))
(He got my joke AND he liked it. It’s on.)
So that’s fun, right? I mean, CLEARLY we are both crazy 😉
Anyway, I left work a little early today to go to a gallery on the Lower East Side, with the goal of making new friends along the way, but honestly it was too cold for any of us to even look at each other. I’m not even sure how I found the show, I was in some sort of internet hole, scrolling through a blog- then I saw a profoundly beautiful series of images that were all sea and sky, ships, sailors, mermaid like women- all in those dusky blue grey purple-y dream hues. Then the real clicking began. Turns out, that they are 12 layer stencils (!!!) and they are featured in a show that just opened and is only up for another week.
I was especially determined to get to this show today because today is the anniversary of something significant in my life, and I wanted to take something that felt sort of sad and heavy and experience it as something beautiful, something that honored the memory. This could not have been more perfect. I decided while I was on my way that if there was a tattoo shop on the walk from the subway to the gallery, I would pop in and get a little tattoo that I had been wanting for some time.
Lo and behold, there was a tattoo shop less than a block from the gallery- don’t worry, I Yelped it! The gallery, so sad to say, was closed- which is why I am not mentioning the name of the artist or the gallery because I hate to give them bad press. I will go back.
Walk into the tattoo parlor and discuss what I want with the artist. He seems professional, sweet, benign, innocuous. I warn him how much I hate being tattooed. He, naturally, loves it. He asks about the other ones that I have and wants to see them. He’s an artist, and I am comfortable, so I think nothing of lifting up my shirt to show him my ribs and chest. He is gentle handed, curious, and complementary. We are at ease, laughing and talking. What I notice the most about him is that he is so accepting, and he is not looking at me through a conventional beauty lens, which feels nice but also unmasking to me.
He is looking at my hands and I apologize for them- my palms have the lines of a thousand lifetimes and my hands are strong, masculine- and he tells me how beautiful they are, what an interesting story they tell. He is not being creepy, I hope it doesn’t sound that way. We have just plugged into each other quickly but gently, I never felt like he was being inauthentic or hitting on me at all. As it goes, we discover we are both in recovery, which both explained and enhanced our easy, warm connection. The work is quick, and clean, and I love everything about it. Wouldn’t you know he has basically the same tattoo that I just got- a heart on the inside of the left ring finger- his with a K (King of Hearts). He gave me his number and mentioned his home group meeting happening tomorrow night, invited me to come to the meeting or stop at the shop to see him anytime. We hugged and I blipped back out into the freezing evening, full of that tingly feeling like I just got somewhere I was absolutely supposed to be by what was a series of spontaneous events and interruptions. It just struck me as I am writing this that the artist has the same name as the person whom I share this anniversary with. It’s like Gods way of stroking me in those peaceful dream hues, remembering us fondly and assuring me that all is well, as it should be.
I am in awe of this experience, and totally at peace.
1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of France, its inhabitants, or
their language, culture, etc.: which has the effect elevating language and making it look and sound more beautiful and interesting than English, every time.
Honestly, these past 2 days I have reallllllly been avoiding you. All I want to do is get in bed and watch the rest of House of Cards Season 2 while drinking peppermint tea and petting my kitty. Heh. Yes, yes- I’ve been doing the thing I said I would do- I’ve lined up a few dates this weekend and I’ve been asking people out on Match, but I have yet to just say ‘hey cutie, have dinner with me’. The week is not over. Also there have also been at least 2 times that I wanted to ask someone out but got scared. One was a beautiful woman and I punked because I assumed she was straight as an arrow. The other was a man I have hung out with in a group of friends that I find attractive but he occasionally comes to my yoga class so it’s unethical for me to hit on him. Yesterday was just a fucked up day. I became so withdrawn through the day, like a video of a flower blooming in reverse. It was a nonspecific shadow, the slow and sure covering of clouds to change the atmosphere of an otherwise well lit day. I kind of know why, or what triggered the storm- not that a bad day or dark mood requires an explanation.
There is a man I have known professionally for many years who I have always been attracted to but have always been boundaried and respectful toward because he has a family. He is brilliant and devoted in everything he is committed to- his career, the people he serves, and his family. Who he is as a husband and father is perhaps what makes him most exceptional to me- the rest is stardust and chemistry. He has set the bar very high for men. Sometimes when I pray for loves deliverance, I ask specifically for my own him (but not him-him). I mostly see his presence on earth and in my life as a gift, but there are times when the contrast he provides is sharp and severing, leaving me morose and self pitying for who I have not yet found, for those I have loved and lost, or for someone I sometimes fear is not going to show up.
It’s sort of complicated and misappropriated, the way I feel about him. I keep the energy field pretty clean between us- bramacharya, or the responsible containment of sexual energy, the way of the bhakta. I don’t feel guilty for these feelings- a mixture of pride and admiration for his success; care , curiosity and envy toward his family; caramel center of love and desire with the dark chocolate of circumstance binding the flavor of my affection toward him. One of the great pleasures of being human; and one of the more refined exercises of maturity. I will probably not be with him in this lifetime, and I am so okay with that. But man, when he is sitting next to me for hours, nothing but an armrest between us, my mind can very easily flash to how natural it would be for him to rest his hand on my upper left thigh, or for one of these little whisper conversations we keep having to just as naturally be had in kisses and soft little moans. I snapped right back to reality and corrected my body language (knees pointing in his direction, whooops!) and said a Hail Mary. Made sure to whisper mouth to ear not face to face at that close range. Said another Hail Mary.
It’s fine, it’s all just fantasy. It did make me feel sad. Not sad about him, or guilty because I adore him- I’m sure his wife understands exactly why a woman would be captivated by him. Reminds me of the Columbian and the discussions about polyamory- what it is to share love, and exalt that which is lovable and attractive in your partner, not be afraid someone else might steal it (as if it is something to possess!). Nahhh, what made me sad that afternoon was just pure old loneliness! Sometimes the presence of the absence overwhelms me. Sometimes I worry that something went horribly wrong and maybe my person is not coming. I read an article once about this feeling we can get- like this clear intuition that someone very significant is missing, this touch space of the parallel orbs. Did you ever trip on that, that somewhere the choice you didn’t make is living itself out, and that you’re there too? I don’t get it often, but when it happens, it’s similar to deja vu- moments of access to eternity.
I cried a little and got a mocha. It was delicious, frothy. I had to pack quickly and get on the road to come back home, and I gratefully had a few minutes to spend with one of my closest friends, who I stay with whenever I am in that city. She and I are deep, spiritual people and we love each other like crazy, but we honestly spend most of our time together in a state of play, of joy, of being fully alive. It’s my favorite. She came to me as I was packing and said that a part of her just needed to say something to me about this project, her Mama-bear part; with tears in her eyes she just told me to be very careful because she could not take it if anything bad happened to me, as she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. I asked her what scared her, she told me that she was afraid of the crazy people out there- and she had been triggered by my date with the man who was having delusions (so was I) and by the story of what happened when I was young and loved a man who had a psychotic episode. She said I know you are independent and smart but please be very careful.
This upset me too. I guess in a way I had been behaving sort of carelessly with all this… or not, I don’t know. Admittedly, I have not been feeling exactly ‘available’ as I have been actively pursuing people. It’s like the Pick Up Artist… gasp! How did I not think of this yet??? I have to watch this RIGHT NOW. Thank you for directing me toward this inspiration!!
Fuck yeah Gemini Horoscope for week of March 6, 2014
In my dream, I was leading a pep rally for a stadium full of Geminis. “Your intensity brings you great pleasure,” I told them over the public address system. “You seek the company of people who love you to be inspired. You must be appreciated for your enthusiasm, never shamed. Your drive for excellence doesn’t stress you out, it relaxes you. I hereby give you license to laugh even louder and sing even stronger and think even smarter.” By now the crowd was cheering and I was bellowing. “It’s not cool to be cool,” I exulted. “It’s cool to be burning with a white-hot lust for life. You are rising to the next octave. You are playing harder than you have ever played.”
no i do not love you 
