Headlamps in the Lion’s Den

I have started and erased a sentence 8 times because I want to start this story the right way.  Been away from this, from you; and this story can get lost in the telling.

An old friend visited me last night.

We both have long been spiritual seekers-  sometimes humans come out that way; I did.  I was born during the Week of the Seeker. It wasn’t always clear in language that GOD is what I was seeking- sometimes it was connection, creativity, meaning, nature, sexuality- but it was always with me; and he (the friend who visited me last night) was the same from childhood too, though his seeking was always native and natural,Earthy, sexual.  Like I was the little girl in the outfield with the balls just rolling past because I was picking flowers and singing to the clouds and he was the messy muddy boy of frogs and fires.  We did not know each other as children, but grown, it is our wounded inner littles that often come out to play.

I remember vividly the first time I saw him- it was like that scene in the movie Requiem for a Dream (here) where they shoot up- prick, surge, dilate, swooosh and giggle- the pheromones detonating way before hello.  I saw his response across the room.  Within a week, I found him on Facebook; we exchanged veiled, charged messages (he had a girlfriend) and then I offered to lend him some gear for an upcoming solo camping trip he was taking.  A headlamp, sleeping bag.  The exchange that set it off was something like:

B(oy): So how will I get this gear from you?

G(irl): You can stop by my house to pick it up.  [Address provided]

B:  Sure.  I will walk into the Lion’s Den.

G:  Great, see you soon then.

When he came to pick up the gear, I served him tea and we played dress up.  He stood me on a foot stool in my green lace tights and adorned me with belts and feathers; I made him a crown of hydrangeas and a sequined bandeau.  It was late September, Indian Summer and we were very, very warm taking long, close breaths of each other- practically levitating from the energy building between us.  Twenty something and he had the dimple/brown eyed/crooked teeth trifecta that I lose my mind(panties) for; I was taut and leggy like a deer, wide open eyes like the sea.  That night we kissed and it broke the spell- I turned him out into the night with the headlamp and sleeping bag.

The next week is kind of blurry in my mind, but he reminded me of some of the details when I saw him last night.  There was the drive out into the hills to stargaze in the grass when the forbidden hesitations drove us wild; the ungraceful break up; climbing up my fire escape and staying in my bed for 2 days with the phone off.  Going back to his apartment to face what he had to face and then sitting on my stoop tying a bracelet he made around my wrist while he told me he was going to try and work things out at home.  It wasn’t love between us but it was something and I was sad to see him go, but I understood on a soul-level the necessity of what he had to do.  The mess that followed was not dignifying to anyone involved- violent threats and psychotic jealous all night phone calls, police reports, carrying mace.  More drama than I had seen in some time and I was glad, so glad, when it stopped.  We stayed away from each other for a long time- at first, deliberately and later just by virtue of leading different lives.  At some point we made a peace- I was seriously involved and living with someone else and we had both grown enough to prioritize forgiveness and love above all.  I think, too, that we had recognized the divinity in each other from the start but were using a very primitive language to express it.

To be honest, over the years I did not think much of him and was sort of forbidden to be even a casual acquaintance to him by my boyfriend at the time.  Funny the things that happen.  I guess I noticed who he was dating and sometimes heard of some of the more dramatic spectacles- I was probably judgy and cunty about all of it.  We had many mutual friends and a sort of peaceful ambivalence that worked.

A couple years later, he bubbled up in my consciousness because I was about 6 months out of the serious relationship and was looking to forget myself in someone else’s charm for a while.  In hindsight, the whole thing was pretty shitty- I manipulated and seduced him because I was hurting badly.  My hurts appealed to his instincts to heal and provide for someone, and he was trying to have a real relationship with me.  It was about two weeks and it hurt both of us but we managed to cut it off, give it space to breathe and be friends.  There was a little sputter one night and I went to his house, got mine and left- which was a cold cruel thing to do.

Hurt people hurt people, is what he told me.

So again we just became like a piece of art on the wall of each other’s imaginations- he was there/not there, it was peaceful, dormant, a non issue.  It was more than an old hook up but way less than a broken relationship, and it was fine.  I admired him in many ways for his creativity, playfulness, and spirituality.  He dated a very close friend of mine and while at first I was hopeful for them because I cared for them both and thought they might just be perfect for each other, in the end when that didn’t flourish, I sided with her and disposed of him energetically.

Fast forward to yesterday, 2 lightyears later: through a series of “coincidences” I was struck by some nostalgia for him, and decided to just reach out and invite him to coffee because I knew he was nearby and that he was moving very far away, very soon.  I wanted to make amends and be enchanted by his stories and his light.  I felt nothing but warmth and goodness, even if it was impulsive and wildly unpredictable for me to contact him.  And as our connection has always been a little reckless and hard to follow- it would make sense that hours later he is in my yoga class and we are like old friends.  I think the old friend feeling came both from that spiritual connection and that this story took place over the course of 6-7 years.  That and a lot of my affection for him is derived vicariously through the relationships he has with our mutual friends.

It was a beautiful night and I think that came from both of us being open to whatever evolved and that we were coming together as whole adult people.  I was able to apologize for the things I had done to harm him, he gave me the gift of forgiveness.  We were able to talk about our lives without reservation, and acknowledge the chemistry that remains between us.  We were discussing other relationships and he said something about mistaking chemistry for real connection that really struck me- we had both done that very same a dozen times.  We’ve grown into people who want to be able to express ourselves fully- including sexually- and we were comfortable relating to each other in what was a familiar but also totally new way.  And then something happened that rocked me, unexpectedly- like only intimacy with someone who truly knows you and cares for you can do.  In a half embrace we were nuzzling as he was touching me, and just as the sensation began to climax, he pulled my body close to him and held me tight in a full embrace, saying “I’ve got you, baby, it’s ok, I’ve got you” and my tears gasped out from a hidden place; buried in his neck, crying into our hair, he did not ease up and did not let go- he made space for whatever was releasing in me.  I guess in a way, for some time I had been experiencing orgasms in isolation- even in the company of lovers- like I sought the oblivion of them, “riding the outer ring of my own private Saturn” (the great poet Sean Daley, here:

It had been too long since I had been with someone who wanted me to connect to them in that moment, for me to feel safe enough to actually feel what was happening and to stay with me, or with them, there.  It was very humane and beautiful; and as friends we were able to move from that sacred moment into others sweet and silly and soon, sleepy.

This is exactly what I would seek to create in my own Utopia of what polyamory and “friends with benefits” would be.  Because look, he is great but I don’t have any longing to be anything different or more than the moments we share when we share them.  Most likely, I will not see him again for some time and I feel so peaceful about that- just blessing him on to the next thing knowing that he is doing the same for me.  What we shared last night- all of it- was previously unavailable to us.  It’s like one of the secret levels in a video game- we, or I, did not have the code, but do now.

It’s late and I’m tired so I’m getting a little rambly but I’m pretty sure there is a synthesis here, a complete loop, another dimension…  inwardly reorganized.  Makes me think of that spiritual tradition where people believe that we are born perfect and complete and that the whole life process is just about remembering all these things we are born knowing, our souls code.  I just remembered something; tho I can’t articulate it exactly, the visceral sensation is one of remembering and wholeness, I feel complete and recognizable to myself.

The other night I went to see a show with one of our mutual friends, and the nostalgia for this friend was ignited because our mutual friend had just gone to a show with him a few days before.  In the second encore, the musicians covered  Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, the poetry of which has always been striking to me.

Time After Time

Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,

And think of you

Caught up in circles confusion –
Is nothing new
Flashback – warm nights –
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after –

Sometimes you picture me –
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said –
Then you say – go slow –
I fall behind –
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost you can look – and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you – I’ll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows – you’re wondering
If I’m OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time—

xxx

All Night

This has been the week of a hundred thousand thoughts but not a single tail or loose thread to pull so I could unravel it all and show you what has been happening up in there.  I’m exhausted and I had an evening coffee so here it is 2am and I’m awake, awake.  Lucky you.

I began reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown this week after a mini-bender on Amazon (holla Prime!).  You may remember her very famous Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability (<—- click that if you do not)(I just learned how to code links so no more copy/paste web addresses!!).  Maybe you want to have a first or second look- it may be insightful.  I wouldn’t gush that I loooove her or the book but I appreciate the discussion and some of the practical action/suggestions she makes. There are a few things going on in my life, personally and professionally, that Dr Brown’s work sheds light on, in a rip-open-the-drapes-to-the-midday-sun kind of way.  The book specifically focuses on Brené’s research on shame.  Becomes clearer all the time how influential shame is in my life…  Synchronicity is a funny thing when you’re a meaning-seeking little story teller with a spiritual bent, like me.

Gosh, life can be so very tricky sometimes. Grateful for that which helps us grow and shine right through it.

Speaking of resources, a friend sent me a Tracy McMillan article from the Huffington Post that got my haunches up a bit.  It was titled “Why You’re Not Married (<–)” ; then I went on to read another article from her written in the same voice about being a female Peter Pan(<–).  It wasn’t until I watched the video at the bottom of the first article that it dawned on me I had read one of her books last year- and I remember feeling mostly meh– about it.  The articles are a little touchy, she is brave to write the things that she does, but brave does not equal correct- these really are inflammatory statement pieces.  She does comment that she is delivering these “truths” in the spirit of generosity and wanting to help people, but, where I come from?  Truth without love is cruel.  It might make it more sophisticated and articulate to criticize… eh.  Who cares.  You read it, lemme know what you think.

It’s good timing for this all to be swimming around in my head because I have decided, after some setbacks, fresh starts & tipping points, that I am circling the wagons and getting some shit together.

Deep Sleep by Logan Hicks

I can barely stand myself anymore in a couple of key areas- the subject of this dumb blog being one of the top 2- so this may turn into one of those detox rants for a few weeks or so, like Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing… ha, if only I could write something to compare to that masterpiece of what it is like to desire/resist/succumb over and over and over only to understand the truth about that suffering is really about God… oh Leonard, how I need you now.  I… oh God, where do I even start?  All I will say is that I have had the devastating gift of having a love with the force of all the Earth’s oceans wash over me in the past couple weeks and… well, I can’t have him.  He is living a version of the dream, with a woman- and their child.  Don’t get freaked out and judgey, not a single shady thing happened between us at all and he is admirable and respectful in every way- and I am too.  Love is like that.

I am left with this surge of anger and demand, however, shaking my fist at the sky and being like whaaaat the fuck—…  No really.  What the fuck.  Between the one I love & can’t have, and my swinger/lover (who is also in many ways a platonic ideal, but doesn’t want a girlfriend so that ‘goes nowhere’), I am feeling pret-ty sorry for myself and like I have been dicked out of something that is most valuable to me.  It occurred to me briefly this evening, after walking back from a stolen moment, that perhaps there is a larger message in this: because that’s what I do to make sense of the difficult things of my life, I seek to learn and grow from them…  OR THERE IS NOT A STUPID LARGER MESSAGE AT ALL AND THIS IS JUST SOME STRAIGHT UP LIFE SHIT THAT IS UNFAIR.  Fuck you rainbows.  Fuck you karma.

Even if a part of me is angry and sad, I remain mostly deeply grateful.  Grateful to be awake and to love like this.

So I am dropping this old shell and swimming my naked lobster ass out to sea to grow a newer, bigger one to accommodate all this growth, and/or the changes that are happening, now. Older lobsters must be the humungous mutant ones.  Good timing for this sort of introspection, given Mercury retrograde beginning in 4 hours(<–).

 

And just in time, today- I discover Sharon Van Etten.  Rocked me.  Every song an anthem.  Like this one:

 

Siren of the Seas by Logan Hicks

 

xxx

 

Revisions & Prophecies

 

(^^^ edit: my Dad used to sing this song to me when I was small.)

For many of my adult years, I was estranged from my father.  It was not unusual for us to speak to each other only once or twice a year- and this was only among my brothers over the holidays.  It’s hard to explain how it happened, exactly, but it always troubled me deeply and solutions baffled and eluded me.  It took a long time, a lot of therapy, and some intense personal and spiritual work for me to really get the significance of my relationship with my Dad and how it was affecting my life.  For a long time I was pretty dismissive of it- I would say things like ‘yeah, yeah, I’ve got Daddy issues but who doesn’t’ which effectively minimized and distanced the sorrow and blame I was carrying.  A few years ago, I was working with a therapist that I really liked and she was trying to talk to me about my father when she met the horsemen of my defenses head on and was able to skillfully pass them.  Here is the conversation:

Therapist (T):  “You have a niece, right?”

Me (M): “Yep.”

T: “And how old is your niece?”

M:  “She’s 3 and a half.”

T: “Are you really close to her?”

M:  “Oh yes, I love her madly.  She is everything to me.”

T:  “And this is your brothers daughter?”

M: “Uh-huh, my oldest brother.”

T:  “I see.  And how old were you when your father left?”

M:  “I think I was 4 or 5, I don’t really remember.”

T:  “Tell me, do you think your niece would notice if your brother left?”

 

Something inside of me burst and I cried for days.  Because I was so close to my niece and I spent so much time with her, I knew how much she loved and depended on her Papa (and her Mama) and I could easily see that she would be devastated if one day he was gone and she didn’t know why.  Her beautiful little heart would just break.  Once I could imagine this for her, I understood what that must have been like for a little me and I was very, very sad.

So since that conversation 3 years ago, a lot has changed.  Maybe everything; and not just because of that conversation, but it definitely changed the way I saw myself and my relationships.  The other big thing that happened 3 years ago was that I went through a painful break up where I was pushed right into that wall of fire within.  Fire, the element of transformation and Shiva, the destroyer, met in the goddamn Tower; my whole life jerked a sharp left turn and I’m so so grateful.  Ultimately, thank God, right- I had to go through that- but holy shit, how we survive life sometimes is a total mystery.

A few months ago, I sent my father a letter because it was really clear to me that I had to get complete in that relationship before I would be able to move forward in my life.  In the letter, I explained to him that I would really do anything to get right with him, and I took responsibility for all the things in my life that I had been blaming him for.  I thanked him for all the things that were going well in my life and simply, for my life.  My sort of primary “issue” with him was abandonment and with this little word I had blamed my Dad for all of my failed relationships and my very unsuccessful manner of relating to men.  When I finally saw that my relationships were my responsibility, he was free to just be my Dad and I could have this new experience of him.  Profound.

So, here’s the thing about a letter like this, or these amends that I have been making: I have no idea what the ultimate outcome of the situation will be.  All I am doing is cleaning up my side of the street, as they say.  A gesture so large obviously will move the universe, as the laws of physics explain.  To be sure, my cells rearranged just as an act of seeing things so differently and clearly- which was enough.

My father was really receptive to my letter and he wrote me back a couple of weeks later.  First he sent me an email right away thanking me and just letting me know that he was choosing his words carefully in writing me back.  I came home late one night, mid December, to his typed letter.  He explained it was not impersonal to type it, he just feels that he has bad handwriting- I thought it was cute for him to clarify this.  This letter really rocked my world because he basically re-wrote the history of my life.  I had long believed that my Dad left my mom and us 3 babies because he didn’t want that life anymore.  What he told me in this letter was that it was my mother who left him because she had fallen in love with somebody else (my stepfather).  My Dad said that he did everything he could do to try to keep his wife and kids with him- including going to rehab and getting sober- but that my Mom was unyielding and served him with divorce papers.  He wrote something like ‘divorce is a single event that occurs in the context of many sad moments in a broken relationship’.  Really, my heart exploded with compassion for my Dad because I guess I could relate to his broken heart- he became so fragile and human to me.  This story gave voice to that chronic, unsettling feeling in my childhood that things were never as they seemed.  Even my love and compassion for my mother and step father expanded because I could see their humanity in a vastly different way, a way that I think they very carefully tried to prevent me from seeing.

I have not shared this story with my brothers, nor have I brought it up with my mother and stepfather- this in itself feels like evidence of a change in me.  That I am big enough to hold this truth and let it change me in a quiet and durable way.  I am thinking about this this morning because I had an experience the other day that called my ideologies about relationships into question.  I’m not sure I can tie this together in one well-crafted transition sentence…  but I can say that there is a spiritually balanced and cumulative quality to having had this experience with my father and the story of my family be essentially re-written, and whatever is unfolding in my life right now, the story that is being written as I am living it, in the now.

Love showed up in my life last year and I knew it as soon as I saw it but I couldn’t quite get my arms around it or draw it close to me in the way that I wanted and this really confused me.  I questioned what I was feeling and thought maybe my instincts had failed me in a major way.  A part of me held onto what I knew in my heart in spite of the conditions of life at the time.  Quietly, I just let it go.  I have a pretty powerful intuition, I always have- a good friend of mine referred to me as a tuning fork recently when I was describing my assessment of something- because I have come to understand the world, people, my place in all of it, based on this intuition, juju, that I trust completely.  Or that I should.  Sometimes, love comes into your life and it’s not in the exact form you would have wanted to find it but it is undeniably love.  I have so so many friends who, when they first met their partner, they were in a relationship with someone else, or their partner was, or there were some other conditions that made things a little more complicated than just declaring love and togetherness.  And it wasn’t like there was an affair or a clear longing to be somewhere else, it just took some time for things to unfold and open- then what was once unknown becomes the most obvious and natural thing on Earth.

For a long time, I have thought that my person was going to show up and be totally free, available, and ready upon arrival- and that if this wasn’t the case then it wasn’t my person.  A couple months ago I wrote about how I was afraid that maybe my person wasn’t here on Earth anymore, that something had happened to him; and then a couple of weeks ago I revisited this feeling because someone suggested to me that maybe my person was unavailable right now- like in a relationship with someone else but that he was surely on his way.  To be clear, I am not actively sabotaging someone’s relationship or even energetically wanting for one to end: I guess I have just caught a glimpse of a possibility that was not available to me before, that has clicked some things into place in a new way.  And to tie this all together the best I can, or maybe you have already done so effortlessly because you are really so much smarter than I am 😉 …  it seems that all these lessons of my life- with my Dad, the break up(s), moving to New York, the 100/100, finding my people- just ALL OF IT- have placed me in a position to be able to welcome and hold someone else, and all of the conditions he arrives with, unconditionally and completely.  And almost as important is that this person will recognize me, see me, and I won’t have to change a thing or be anything different than exactly me.

 

xxx

 

Day 70: La Fin & Epilogue

I’m  a little shy of 100 days and heaven knows my counting was corrupted a long time ago, but I am going to officially move on from the original concept of the 100 invitations over 100 days.  I will continue to write and I invite you to continue reading.

Here are some points of reflection and conclusion:

1. I was/am bored.  I need to be doing something creative at all times. It’s like a puppy that needs to be taken for a run daily, the energy gets all bottled up otherwise. I knew that, actually- I guess I just got caught up doing whatever whatever over the past year and I have barely been creating anything. Asking people out (almost) everyday brought a lot of fun and insight, but writing about it was the thing I enjoyed the most. I believe that the creative, sexual, and spiritual energies derive from the same root source and when one is imbalanced the others suffer- but also that when one is booming, the others can expand dreamily.  I think too that sometimes it is easier to look outside of myself to fill the deficit.  Yes, sometimes when I am bored or dissatisfied or disconnected, I can quickly blame feeling that way on not having a partner or lover… when I think I just re-discovered that the actual need is to spend some time with my hands in the clay, pushing the fabric through the machine, or spray-painting some stickies or stencils in the backyard.  Or go dancing.  Im pretty sure dancing is holy.  The point is that more than dating or fucking or whatever, I need to be actively creating as an essential aspect of who I am. I *think when I am fulfilled and growing there, I am totally in myself. AND WHEN I am fully embodied, I am attracting energies/people into my life who vibe on me and my thing.

2.  Men are human.  People are people.  There is so much to say about the first statement and how profoundly different I feel in this one way.  I am just in this new awareness about how I have objectified men and/or how I have sought them out as my own private on-demand source of affection, sex, validation, company, emotional distraction and/or absorption,  etc.  On people being people, it’s just a matter of really seeing and listening.  Many times when I approached someone I was interested in, I was surprised to discover their person- and then find I was not at all attracted or that curiously I was attracted to people to whom I was at first ambivalent.  It was unscientific and irregular. I feel like if I had a “type” before, I’ve thrown it out now because I am waiting for someone to show her/himself to me and then I can ask them to move away or come closer. One more thing about this is that it has softened the experience of rejection because now I really see that rejection does not mean I am unattractive or unloveable, it just means I am not the preferred flavor or someone is unavailable.  Or I suppose many other reasons but really, it’s not a referendum on my attractiveness.  I have many times had the experience of finding totally attractive, lovable people not attractive to me for sometimes obvious and other times indelible reasons.  We are all just doing the best we can to be happy, living out our version of the dream.  I feel confident that me and my dream will one day fit perfectly with someone else’s.

3.  Historically, I have not been acting normally around people that I am crushing on or want to sleep with.  This has actually given me the opportunity to notice it and make very very different choices about how I behave and communicate with the people I am attracted to.  And even when I don’t really have the power to act differently, I can observe what I am doing and change the way I judge myself for it.  Move from “You’re so fake” to “It’s very sweet that you like this person so much that you really want to impress them.”  At the end of the day, I don’t want to attract someone by being different than I am and for me the vulnerability of self is tricky, even with close friends.  I’m learning.  I have some people in my life who show me love even in or maybe especially in my hideousness.  These are the people I want to be around.  I have been in relationships with people who fell for the lie and when they saw me they fled and that was some fucked up painful stuff, in the relationship and when it ended.  Now I just want someone who loves me as is and doesn’t try to shame me for the things about myself that are me.

4.  I think I want to date women.  Well, at least one woman.

5.  When someone is not interested or unavailable, respect that.  Part of respecting that means not questioning it or trying to manipulate a different outcome. Oh, that reminds me: when someone does not want to have sex, it’s also really important to just respect that, not question it, and it’s really cool to continue to be physically intimate even when you know someone will not fuck you.  I feel like this was covered in high school, but I just want to reiterate in case you forgot or thought that you were entitled to have sex with ANYBODY- whether it is the person you just met to your long term partner.  Stating that you do not want to have sex stands on it’s own and healthy grown ups can say it and also hear it when someone else says it.

6.  Energy is a real thing and we are all exchanging it with everyone we encounter.  You can choose to have good energy and to share it with people freely. Sexual energy is distinct and noticeable and powerful and is something that should be wielded with care.

7.  I want to be able to express myself completely with people I am having sex with and I don’t want any of those relationships to suffer the limitations of being exclusively sexual.  And truthfully, for me, if I am not emotionally and spiritually attuned and connected to my lover, or do not wish to be, then the physical part ends.  I might only be a love-maker.  That actually suits me perfectly.  And I guess the same statement applies to my lover not being spiritually and emotionally attuned and connected to me and closed to a deeper relationship growing: then the physical part must end also.  Even though that is super hard for me to do, it’s just for the best.

8.  Freedom is everything and the moment is the only place to be.  Valuing these, love, and full self expression above all else doesn’t preclude a committed relationship and monogamy is not the only way to love.  I’m not sure how all of this will shake out in my lifetime but I know I’m open to see how it evolves.

9.  My perception of myself in the world is distorted and shape shifting.

10. No one is “out of my league”.  Or yours.  Ask for what you want- be grateful and open to what comes.

 

And maybe that’s all I’ve got on this for now.  I’m at peace, it’s at rest.  Everything as it should be.  I love, I love, I love and am so very ready to give it all to you.

Day 52: Twitterpated

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Happens to me at least once a day.  Today we are going to turn it up.

HELLOOOOO BOYS…

Many thanks to April Walloga at The Gothamist for this list of 100 most eligible bachelors in NYC.   (check out her article here:

http://gotham-magazine.com/personalities/articles/black-book)

Since I could not look out from under my umbrella in our rainy, windy city today, I had to get creative to maintain my integrity with this project… and things had gotten a little stale around here.  Match just would not do.

First, to Brad, David, James, Johnny, Fabrizio, Adrian and Christopher:  if I saw any one of you on the street I would find you compellingly attractive and would absolutely ask you to go on a date with me.  (Wait, there is a lie in there: Adrian- I saw you one afternoon on the C train way before this project and honestly, I did NOT ask you out because I was just trying to respect you and enjoy your presence. )  You should know that I am single, sweet, & supafly and I have been challenged to ask out 100 men who I think are “out of my league” in 100 days.  I started on Valentine’s Day and have been having a lot of fun!  Earnestly, I would love to keep the company of any or all of you, I bet we would have a very very good time.  Consider it!  Oh, and, please check out the rest of my writing on the project!  xxx

All twitterpated on the Twitter…

love is in the air!!!  get some!!! xxx

 

 

Day 51: Eclipse

A couple of weeks ago I was in a seminar and I noticed a vibrant and beautiful woman.  She would go out of her way to smile at me, would place her hand on my shoulder when walking by.  At first I thought she was just friendly and sweet and then she sat down in front of me and I was able to take in more of her.  She is a one-punch knock out, tall and curvy, big brown eyes, Columbian.  I have a thing for Columbians apparently.  We had some energy flying between us and when it was time for a break, she and I went for a walk to grab a coffee.

I was totally into her from the jump, and I could tell she liked me too, but I wasn’t sure how this would be, really. Something about the obvious attraction between us was obfuscated, in shadow- hidden from me.  We enjoyed that coffee; our time together was close, energetic, echoing.  When we got back, we exchanged numbers and I texted her the next day to follow up with her about a project I knew she was working on.  She said, “I would love to get together with you to talk with you more about it” to which I replied quickly with my availability.  We set up a date a week in advance, and that date was tonight.

She thoughtfully chose a veg-friendly restaurant and we met for dinner.  I was feeling/looking a little frumpy today because my back is still jacked and I had just come from the chiropractor.  She rolls in looking like a super model, effortlessly beautiful, tall and radiant.  This may be the moment I realized that we might be on a date.  I’m pretty sure that was a date.  And if it was not, well then I gotta jump on getting her to go on a date with me.  She made it very clear to me that she dates both men and women.  In discussing her recent struggles, she gave me with her exact location in life, her vulnerability endears her to me.  We had a beautiful evening and I can hardly wait to really put it on her the next time, so there will be NO ambiguity about whether this is a date or not.

Funny thing though, when we were checking out- I had a really surprising exchange of innuendo with the man who came to take our check.  He had a lot of power there, luckily I was so into my date that I didn’t push it, but I could have.  She loved watching him and I flirt, she liked my way with him.  I would have liked to have my way with him for sure; I liked how she handled that.  I’m not sure that this fits as asking someone out (I did ask her for that coffee) or having a date and therefor letting myself off the hook for kicking it to anyone- it is both and it is the only story I have today!  I’m sleep-writing this, let me go- and again fingers and toes are crossed, light the love candles on your altar, because I have a date scheduled with my musician friend Friday (day 45).  Feels like forever away.

PS there is some crazy shit happening in the sky tonight.  Big full moon lunar eclipse, a grand water trine AND the long awaited Cardinal Cross.  

I can’t tell you exactly what all that means but I can say this: the big message is about letting go.  My friend emailed me and wrote of this astrology, “changes are accelerating as of now!” so I will leave you with that.  Just stay hydrated and honest and you will be just fine.

I, will most likely just be exhausted from all this romancing 😉 let it accelerate, tho- I am ready.

 

Days 41, 42, & 43: Finding the Right Words

Please excuse me for taking so long to write again.  I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica.  I really feel elderly when I say that.  Sighhh.  But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.

I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line.  I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while.  It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for.  Shit, I had some good lines in there!  Check this one out:

“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”

What an asshole!

So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh.  I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery.  That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people.  I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not.  I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them.  Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.

There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.

After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes.  I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them.  Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too.  Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one!  2 of them visited my profile.  Ahhh, Match life.

It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time.  In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun.  I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get.  One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable.  Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.

If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them.  I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works.  And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great.  Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.

One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards.  I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.

It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry:  “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”

Details below!

Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread

 

1. How you have come to your present situation or focus:  V The Sage

Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power.  Ancient knowledge will guide you.  Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person.  Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.

2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart.  The bridge you need to cross:  7 of Coins

A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished.  A warning not to stop for too long.  Time, reflection, self study.  The payoff will come later.  A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved.  Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’.  As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs.  Act.

3. The foundation or root of the issue:  5 of Wands 

Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!

A conflict fueled by creative differences.  A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings.  Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony.  You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want.  It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.

4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:  Princess/Page of Swords

A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others.  An idealist.  Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown.  Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind.  May seem secretive to others.  The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.

5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:  Queen of Wands

 

The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.

Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once.  Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent.  She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness.  Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her.  BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.

 

 

6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle: 8 of Wands

The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration.  Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon.  Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static.  Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery.  Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.

7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation: XX Liberation

Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation.  A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation.  Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you.  Making choices without blaming oneself or others.  There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.

8.  Family and significant others, how you are perceived: 6 of Cups

Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards.  Carry what is good from the past into the present situation.  The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place.  Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.

9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative: King of Coins

A powerful man, financial or business leader.  A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money.  He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising.  Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.

10.  Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation: 7 of Cups

 

Many elements or choices presented to the seeker.  A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes.  Imagination and vision.  Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement.  As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.

11.  Gift, guide, hidden factor: 10 of Wands

Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity.  A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects.  Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs.  We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship.  People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.

 

 

 

xxx

Day 28 & 29: From the Boudoir: Confessions

September 2006

We met early in the spring- I was ripe and full.  Things happened fast, we were combustible, creative, plasmic. In ways I was shy and unaware of how young & beautiful I was; he found this irresistable, he was older, powerful, aggressive- I found this irresistable too.

By the fall, we were in it, I had it bad for him.  We spent the summer with the windows open under fairy lights and warm breezes; jasmine, Bruce Springsteen, open access all the time.  He was always busy with work and most often came over late in the evening, weary and wanting- I felt powerful that his solace and satisfaction were here with me. Our relationship was phenomenal, and isolated- I was too blinded by love and lust to see what was really happening.  Every time I assumed him to be my every day boyfriend- whether by inviting him to do things with my friends, RSVPing for 2 on wedding invitations, not dating other people- it resulted in some let down, he did not come through.  We would fight and I would tell him to either be with me for real or leave me the hell alone; he would retreat for a few days then come back and tell me he was sad and could not stop thinking about me, did not want me to go, was afraid of letting me down…

The toxic loop.  I was so addicted.  I would chase his love into the next lifetime, I’m sure.  I may still.

The hands of summer dropped and swung for the trapeze of autumn.  I was giving him one more chance and he was earning it- there were nights out, introductions to family and friends, I had an extra key made for my apartment, red glass heart dangling from the chain.  Every effort he made I rewarded with more honey.  He was wise to keep me in the chase- I was after his love and he held it high and back above his head, laughing kissing taunting me.

He was working at an all day festival in the neighborhood.  I stopped by with friends during the day, we had plans later that evening.  Texts and phone calls of innuendo and longing in the spaces between.  Full throttle.  He shows up at my house that evening, dusty and drunk from a day in the street.  Laughing and kissing we tumble into the shower, never before has he been so desirous and lovely.  I am so deliriously happy, my anticipating insides so very sure that this is our jump off.  Shower turns to the bed and I am pulling back to ask if he wants me to make him some dinner.  He wants a little something, but does not want me to go; I told him I will grab some fruit and some water, be right back.  He warns me not to be gone long, not to stop in the bathroom.  A heap of limbs and grapes and kisses, he tells me about his day.  The grapes were gone, moon is rising, we are making our way back down, his hand behind my head.  I start to slip out and away from him, he tightens, growls- ‘where do you think you’re going?’ I reply ‘real quick, to the bathroom’ and he kisses me more deeply, pulls me under him, I forget everything.

Forever later, we are on our feet, next to the bed, nothing has ever been more swoony and intense as this night.  I tell him ‘baby, I don’t want to leave even for a second but I still have to go to the bathroom’ and he gets very serious and shy, one arm wraps around my waist and the other around my neck, his kisses weaving a cocoon about us. He pulls back,leans his forehead against mine and says ‘there is something I want to ask you’ inside my heart is racing, timpanis! this is the moment! this is the moment! it’s happening!! it’s happening!!!  I take his face in my hands, nuzzling him and leaving little kisses on his eyes, his lips, smiling and whispering ‘what is it baby, you can ask me anything, I am all yours’ He hesitates, pulls me closer, looks into my eyes, and lowers again.  Kissing me deeply, I pull away and say ‘tell me’.  He drags his nose across my cheek, kisses my neck and lifts his mouth to my ear:

‘Will you…’

‘What baby, tell me, it’s ok…’

‘Have you… have you ever heard of a golden shower?’

xxx

Day 27: Magic Numbers & Voice Mail Options

“Have you had many women?”

Oi vey, I don’t think this conversation usually goes as well as it did for Baby & Johnny.  The old magic number question.  Are people really having the conversation about magic numbers?  It’s been a while for me- I think the last time it came up was when I was in a long-term relationship and even then, the truth didn’t come out for over a year.  Not because we lied, but because we managed to evade the question- we had the sense to know that it had the potential to cause great harm. I don’t even really sit around with my girlfriends and share the quantitative data- any of it.  Does it matter?  It would be very unusual for me to ask a man this question.

I didn’t find much useful information when I consulted Googs on this one either. Mostly just people sharing their opinions on what number indicates sluttiness.  Total kidshit-bullshit. I did like this video from Carlin & Betty- they are doing great work in the sexual revolution!  Viva L’Orgasm!

We don’t talk about it because people are still shaming and judging each others sex behavior. We shame each other for who we choose to have sex with, the kind of sex we like to have, how often we like to do it, how/if we talk about it, the kinds of relationships we do or do not have with the people we are having sex with, and on and on. I say sex is free and it’s fun so have as much safe sex as you want to!  There is nothing revolutionary about this view point- and just because this is what I believe, this does not mean I am out bangin around or that I am incapable of having a happy, monogamous experience.  Just to prove a point: you don’t know if I have had sex or not since this project started but I bet you assume I have!  Well, let me tell you: only if laying around my hotel room and rubbing one out between episodes of Breaking Bad counts, darlings!

I just wish we could replace our judgmental criticism with accepting curiosity.

… bet you thought I was gonna reveal my magic number, didn’t you?  Tell you what: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 😉

This is on my mind today because I have been thinking about the early dating taboo topics- you know, the stuff you’re “not supposed to talk about” when you first start dating someone.  As you might imagine, this is a short list for me- meaning, you can talk about whatever you want to- the deeper the better, as far as I am concerned.  I have learned to keep certain cards close to my chest- even if that seems hypocritical.  Contradiction makes me cute.

So I am still trying to figure out whyyyyy I had such a strong, visceral repulsion yesterday when the architect told me he was feeling heart-achy and disturbed because of something he had seen on Facespace regarding his ex. Actually it wasn’t just that, it was the whole conversation- asking me if I was into beefy Italian men (presumably because that’s who the ex is with now), inviting himself to come along with me to an art show, the sort of whiny-neediness of the conversation.  4 dates, maybe 5 dates in?  Upon reflection, I think I was on the fence about him and this conversation led me to fall on one side. To be clear, it’s not because I can’t relate or because I feel jealous or anything like that- I found his behavior generally emotionally unattractive and I’m just not up for being anyone’s bandaid or fix-it woman. The door isn’t slammed shut, but there has been a shift- he may still slide under the door…

I am all for a relationship where we can openly talk about past relationships- with love, without jealousy, without later using this information as a weapon.  There is so much to learn about someone based on intimate relationship history.   Not magic numbers, love stories.  Tell me your love stories.  I am listening.

I have had another shift which is that I am seeing the experience of running into The One Who Got Away on the train the other night quite differently.  The voices in my head have stopped shouting and the one steady, cold voice that remains is telling me ‘Now you just have further evidence that this man is not into you.  Leave him alone, let this go.’  That same voice has similar insights about my number one crush- with a sneering cruelty.  I hate this short cycle from elation to self reproach.  I prefer to stay neutral.  Actually that’s a lie, I’m built to stay high but that isn’t sustainable.  For the most part, this past month, I have been able to put these feelings aside and stay on point with this project.  REMEMBER THE GOAL WAS NOT TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, IT WAS TO ASK OUT 100 UNATTAINABLE MEN IN 100 DAYS. The rest is just my silly girl shit.

Last but hopefully worth the wait… On that, the silly girl shit- I had a funny (not funny haha, funny jeeesh) moment yesterday when I called The One Who Got Away to invite him to join me for this art show.  I was leaving him a voicemail (I know) and got a little distracted by something (shiny object, squirrel) so my message became a little ramble-y.  I took for granted that I would be able to ERASE AND RE-RECORD so I just went with the ramble and wouldn’t you know that upon pressing #, still recording.  *, still recording.  #*#*##* #*#*#** 1111*#**? nope still recording.  So, if this poor man listened to my stream-of-consciousness message, he then had the honor of listening to me try to play Ice Ice Baby for him on the number pad.

Wait, no, that was funny haha I just made myself cry trying to recount that story.  Snort.

Yo, VIP- let’s kick it xxx

Day 4: You Could Be My Ace

RIght before I got on the subway tonight, I looked up to see the moon rise right up next to the ESB.  While photographing, I sang Christopher Cross quietly to myself, “if you get caught between the moon and New York City… I know it’s crazy, but it’s true- when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love” … I should have known given the love drunk air I have been breathing these past few days but I was caught unawares. And I totally fell in love.  This young man sat near me on the L-train (the LOVE train) and we very naturally started laughing and talking as the people across from us started sharing a fifth of whiskey.  Then as the train got more crowded, he slid right up next to me, and I felt every cell in my body turn to him as if he were the Sun and I made of chlorophyll.   His birthday was yesterday (31), he went to an exotic restaurant for dinner and had fancy desserts where they wrote happy birthday on his plate in chocolate sauce, and he thought this was the best thing ever. I melted from his genuine simplicity. Then he went dancing.  He marveled at how many people shared his birthday, I marveled at his fashion sense.  I mentioned the blog to him and he was really interested.  I asked him if he was single and he is not; I told him that if he was, I would definitely be asking him out (you know, for the mission!).  He told me if he was single, he would definitely be saying yes.  We rode the rest of the way, continued to talk close but respectably.  He talked about what it was like for him to ask women out- weighing regret and rejection, he always leaned toward risking rejection.  He told me how he likes to rock a pink flash sneaker or t in support of women’s health.  I showed him the book I am reading (How to be a Woman  by Caitlin Moran) and he looked at the table of contents, remarking specifically on the chapter “I start bleeding”.  He said that he didn’t understand why men freak out about this, or why women feel embarrassed about it- because without it, none of us would be here.  Even as people got off the train, he did not move to put any space between us.  We talked about what it was like to grow up in the city as a young black man, and he said he wished that people could change skins just for one week, that the world would be so different.  He said he liked to hang out with gay men because they were peaceful and he didn’t have to worry about guns or violence.  We were transferring at the same stop, and as we got off the train I told him his girlfriend was a really blessed woman.  He said he did not want to get off the train.  As we were walking to the transfers, a group of teenage boys started to rush past us and get confrontational and he instinctively put his arm around me and turned my body toward him to protect me as we went by.  He retracted and apologized, I quickly said ‘no, no- that was nice’ and then we said goodbye, gave each other a long look, and he went to the J and I to the A, my blood feeling like champagne, my face flushed.

It was innocent and sweet and I’m really grateful for his fidelity and for my ability to respect other peoples relationships.  Life has not always been so clean in this respect.  I contemplated on the way home if there was even anything that needed to be said- like if I was coming home to a boyfriend, would this be an exchange that I needed to mention or that I would want my partner to mention to me.  The answer is no- because it was handled totally appropriately.  The truth is that even when we are in committed relationships, there will rarely be a person who shows up like a supernova- attraction so elemental and palpable.  While I give up the freedom to act on this kind of attraction when I am in a committed relationship, it doesn’t stop it from being so.  In previous relationships, this would have caused a huge problem- having this experience tonight showed me how much I have grown the fuck up and that humans can be trusted to behave in ways that honor each other.

He is so much more attractive to me because of his commitment to his partner.  Whoever she is, I hope she recognizes her blessings and loves that man the way he deserves to be loved tonight and always.