Since I could not look out from under my umbrella in our rainy, windy city today, I had to get creative to maintain my integrity with this project… and things had gotten a little stale around here. Match just would not do.
First, to Brad, David, James, Johnny, Fabrizio, Adrian and Christopher: if I saw any one of you on the street I would find you compellingly attractive and would absolutely ask you to go on a date with me. (Wait, there is a lie in there: Adrian- I saw you one afternoon on the C train way before this project and honestly, I did NOT ask you out because I was just trying to respect you and enjoy your presence. ) You should know that I am single, sweet, & supafly and I have been challenged to ask out 100 men who I think are “out of my league” in 100 days. I started on Valentine’s Day and have been having a lot of fun! Earnestly, I would love to keep the company of any or all of you, I bet we would have a very very good time. Consider it! Oh, and, please check out the rest of my writing on the project! xxx
A couple of weeks ago I was in a seminar and I noticed a vibrant and beautiful woman. She would go out of her way to smile at me, would place her hand on my shoulder when walking by. At first I thought she was just friendly and sweet and then she sat down in front of me and I was able to take in more of her. She is a one-punch knock out, tall and curvy, big brown eyes, Columbian. I have a thing for Columbians apparently. We had some energy flying between us and when it was time for a break, she and I went for a walk to grab a coffee.
I was totally into her from the jump, and I could tell she liked me too, but I wasn’t sure how this would be, really. Something about the obvious attraction between us was obfuscated, in shadow- hidden from me. We enjoyed that coffee; our time together was close, energetic, echoing. When we got back, we exchanged numbers and I texted her the next day to follow up with her about a project I knew she was working on. She said, “I would love to get together with you to talk with you more about it” to which I replied quickly with my availability. We set up a date a week in advance, and that date was tonight.
She thoughtfully chose a veg-friendly restaurant and we met for dinner. I was feeling/looking a little frumpy today because my back is still jacked and I had just come from the chiropractor. She rolls in looking like a super model, effortlessly beautiful, tall and radiant. This may be the moment I realized that we might be on a date. I’m pretty sure that was a date. And if it was not, well then I gotta jump on getting her to go on a date with me. She made it very clear to me that she dates both men and women. In discussing her recent struggles, she gave me with her exact location in life, her vulnerability endears her to me. We had a beautiful evening and I can hardly wait to really put it on her the next time, so there will be NO ambiguity about whether this is a date or not.
Funny thing though, when we were checking out- I had a really surprising exchange of innuendo with the man who came to take our check. He had a lot of power there, luckily I was so into my date that I didn’t push it, but I could have. She loved watching him and I flirt, she liked my way with him. I would have liked to have my way with him for sure; I liked how she handled that. I’m not sure that this fits as asking someone out (I did ask her for that coffee) or having a date and therefor letting myself off the hook for kicking it to anyone- it is both and it is the only story I have today! I’m sleep-writing this, let me go- and again fingers and toes are crossed, light the love candles on your altar, because I have a date scheduled with my musician friend Friday (day 45). Feels like forever away.
PS there is some crazy shit happening in the sky tonight. Big full moon lunar eclipse, a grand water trine AND the long awaited Cardinal Cross.
I can’t tell you exactly what all that means but I can say this: the big message is about letting go. My friend emailed me and wrote of this astrology, “changes are accelerating as of now!” so I will leave you with that. Just stay hydrated and honest and you will be just fine.
I, will most likely just be exhausted from all this romancing 😉 let it accelerate, tho- I am ready.
Of the serious boyfriends of my life, I have met 3 of them on April 8th. No lie.
My High-school Sweetheart: 4/8/1994
I was working at a popular roadside ice cream and burger stop. It was a Friday night early in the season and I had plans with my girls to go to a party hosted by an older boy, I think he may have been in his second year of college. I was 2 months shy of 16. When I saw the white Honda Prelude pull up, my heart quickened, as I had seen this car before, and the guy who drove it was really, really hot. He was tall and tan, had that long-ish skater punk hair, sea blue-green eyes,the straightest teeth and sweetest smile. He did not go to my high school, I didn’t know him. He and his friend got into the line at my window,looking at me and kind of whispering to each other. They ordered, flirtatiously, and sat a table waiting for their order, still watching me. I was blushing and showing off in the way 15 year old girls do. I made sure that I, personally, called their order out over the speaker, they came up and his friend asked me if I had a boyfriend, which, at the time I did not. I looked at my crush and asked them if they wanted to come back later when I got out to go to a party, they said sure. Haha, I guess I had those instincts even at 15… it’s true, I knew.
Sure enough, he and his friend came back to meet me. My besties came to pick me up, and the boys got in the car with us and off we went. I sat right on his lap in the back seat pile up- I think there were at least 4 or 5 of us squeeshed in. We got high, we sang songs, laughing and radiating out into the night. When we spilled out of the car, I whispered to him “Will you hold my hand, please?” and he smiled, reached out and took my hand and said “Of course. Why?” and I replied, “Because I don’t want any of these other girls to think they can hit on you” and we walked into the house, laughing, holding hands.
There was a little drama upon arrival- I was part of a crew of boys, and one of those boys had his mark on me. He did not like to see me walk in holding a strangers hand, and he made it known by being a total dick to my dude. We got more high, more drunk- our high school parties always got stupid, people barfing and setting things on fire; standing in spontaneous circles spitting on each others shoes and laughing at the expense of someone else.
In a drunken heartbeat hallway, we were alone and we fell into someone’s bedroom. I don’t remember when the first kiss happened but now we were moving, fast, beyond that. Drunk and unexpected, I took him in my hands; he came quickly and I gasped ‘Ohhh I’m so sorry!’ because, well, the mess. He burst out laughing and told me he had never heard of someone apologizing for making someone come, and I burst out laughing too. We lay there laughing and kissing and smiling for a bit; cleaned up and made our way back out to the keg, where we split up to report back to our people, like we did way back then.
The next day, I saw him again, and by Sunday, he was my boyfriend. He got me a kitten for my 16th birthday and we named the kitten Paco. Inseparable and happy, we stayed together until midway through my first semester of college… Then one morning after tripping at a Violent Femmes show, I woke up and, without warning, smashed his heart into bits after breakfast.
The First One I Lived With: 4/8/2001
He worked at a pizza place up the hill from the youth center I was working in. I went there often with the kids and sort of smoldered awkwardly in his presence, every time. He was tall and thin with very trendy dark rimmed glasses, spiky black hair and white blue eyes. So Weezer. I loved his big Jewish nose and his little boy lips, giant hands, and the way he moved. His movements were both exaggerated and deliberate but he was somehow floaty and soft, like sunny day clouds.
I loved him.
One night I was over there with 2 of the kids I was particularly close to- they were a couple and they were funny. She knew I had a crush on him and totally embarrassed the SHIT out of me by asking him if he was single, telling him that I was and that I thought he was really hot. He looked at me quizzically and I burned bright red, scrunched my face, shook my head and turned heel, walked right out. The kids came after me laughing trying to drag me back but there was no way. Humiliating.
Some time later, I was in a bar playing pool with some friends and he came up to the table, laid his quarters down for the next game. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. I was a hella pool player as was my partner, so we won and up he came for the match. He was a hella pool player as was his partner; I don’t remember who won, but I do know we flirted our way around that table! He was UP on me and I was SO into it. We talked away for the rest of the night, he was drinking Red Bull and vodkas and I could smell that faux strawberry Red Bull smell on his breath. Just a sweet and happy drunkie, smoking his Marlboro lights, among a crew of friends who I could tell were all good people. It was easy to see he was gold. I asked him if he remembered me from the awkward incident in the pizza shop and he freaked out when he made the connection. That day, he had gotten his first real job as a graphic designer for a small Chinese appliance company in New York City. He took my number on the inside of his cigarette pack, kissed me before I left. Exhilarated and turned out into the starry, sweet smelling New Paltz night, lovestruck; driving and singing my way over the mountain.
That was a Friday, and when he called me the next night Saturday Night Live was on and it was Coldplay’s first appearance. They played the song ‘Yellow’ in the background of our call; he invited me over the next day for a grill and canoe in the afternoon. I accepted. He lived with a couple dudes in a cabin right on the Walkill River. He bounced out to the car when I pulled up, took my hand and gave me a tour of the house and property. He introduced me to his roomates and friends who were enjoying the afternoon, they were all super nice and everything was beautiful.
“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” as Kurt Vonnegut said…
We had a fast and sweet 3 months, he was so thoughtful and fun to be with. There was something that was a little off for me, I was uncomfortable and couldn’t really pinpoint what or why, but at the time I interpreted it as I wasn’t really into him. We broke up, he did not take it well; I was sad and confused about it but it seemed like the right thing to do. A couple months later I saw him in the bar and we ended up going home together. Things kind of went like that for a few weeks- we were hanging out and sometimes having sleep overs, but we were not quite back together- you know. Like that.
Then on September 11, 2001, I was driving home from my morning class at the college and I was listening to live radio of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. I stopped for a pack of smokes and got home quickly, tried to call him and his phone was busy. I knew nothing of the geography of NYC at that time, but I knew his office was right in the middle of it and I was really really scared. I was sitting on the floor of my apartment in my underwear taking bong hits, watching live as the second plane hit; my mother called and suggested I come home right away. I kept trying to call him and could not reach him. Emailed; no response. I went to work and sat on the front porch steps consumed with worry. I called his good buddy to ask if he had heard anything, and his friend said “Oh, he just got here- he was on the last bus they let out of the city- do you want to talk to him?” and I just hung up the phone, got into my car and drove to his friends apartment.
In all of my life, before and since, I have never been happier to see someone as I was to see him in that moment. I jumped into his arms and we cried. We smoked a bowl and played some video games, counted all of our ducks, made our way to the bar. It struck me that my feelings for this person must have been much deeper than I understood and that night, I told him I loved him and wanted to get back together. He agreed. On our way home from the bar, we got jumped in the parking lot- it was a mess. People got really hurt, and it was a hard awful day. He managed only a black eye, I had a sore throat.
Two months later we moved in together and had the best time in our first apartment. We painted every room and arranged all of our art, filled up our refrigerator and made love every night. He had a home office but commuted an hour and 45 minutes to the city every day. He loved me madly and was always funny and kind.
We lived in that apartment for 2 years and then moved closer to the city when I got a new job. Simultaneously, I was really getting strange and disturbed from all of the drugs and alcohol I had been consuming for the past 10 years. Our home life was bittersweet; he was starting to get really concerned about my drinking. One night he came home from work so so upset because that morning when he left, he could not wake me because I was so fucking trashed passed out wasted from the night before. I was deeply ashamed and promised to get better but what I really did was started lying and hiding my alcohol and drug use. It was a dark time.
We lost that apartment and he told me he thought I had a problem and needed to get help. We moved back in with our respective parents to try to sort things out. One evening I went down to visit him, he had prepared a picnic on his front lawn, purchased my favorite red wine. As soon as he saw me he started to cry and asked me “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” I looked down and the blanket and nodded, huge tears falling from my face to my hands. He threw the wine bottle and the glasses, those big deliberate movements, floating thunderstorm clouds. I left him there, on the lawn at his parents house, and drove 90 minutes home to a bar. I woke up the next morning unsure of the night before, in the bed of a friend.
I spent the next 6 months in a black out, he and I did not see each other but would have sad sad conversations every now and then. He wanted me to come back and I was not sure, I was really fucked up and trying to figure things out. His life kept moving. Then one day he told me he met someone else and was going to date her- I needed to think hard and fast. A month later, he called to tell me he had fallen in love with someone else and could not speak to me anymore.
In a way that I did not understand or see at the time, he was like my last life line, the only thing I had that was possibly going to tether me to myself or life as it had been and suddenly he was gone. Forlorn and exhausted, I must have prayed; within days, I stopped drinking and using drugs and that was over 10 years ago.
The One I Never Really Had: 4/8/2006
In the early days of MySpace, one day a message came through from a local performer, inviting me to check out one of the shows he hosted at a local bar. I kind of felt bad for him, and admired him for doing this kind of individual social networking recruitment (my, times have changed, huh?!) so I wrote him back to thank him and said I would be happy to come to a show. He wrote me back, and suddenly we were in it- and IT was very cute- anticipating his messages, creepin on his pictures.
Within days, he asked me to meet him for tea at a local coffee shop that I hung out at a lot. I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember clearly standing outside chatting with some friends when he walked up. I caught his elbow before he went inside, he smiled huge and kissed me on the cheek, introduced himself to my friends. Led me by the arm as he held the door to go inside. We ordered jasmine green teas and went up to the loft, where we stayed for hours. It was early and obvious, what was happening there. He was not shy to reach down and touch my foot to say he liked my shoes; hook his finger on my shirt to pull it down and admire the tattoo on my chest; lean in to smell my perfume. He wore Aqua di Gio and to this day I can’t think straight when I smell it. He was/is Sicilian and unbearably gorgeous, with the deepest man voice on Earth, the softest brown eyes. Goofy, easily worked up, loud, self-effacing, doped on me, sexy as hell.
Within the week, we met at the coffee shop 2 more times before I invited him over to my apartment for tea. As I write this, my heart is swelling, in memory of that time in my life, the early days of him. I have written other parts of this story here- Day 10, Days 28 & 29.
Sometimes I think all the bad karma I accumulated from the ways I hurt the first two was all payed up with this one. Jesus, I hope so.
Um, not for nothing, I did just meet someone- who appears exceptionally great- the day before yesterday, or, 4/8. Not that that means anything or anything, but it is a very sweet first date entrance story. Briefly: He asked me to meet him at a popular speak-easy downtown. I arrived at the door and rang the bell. A full minute later, a beautiful woman out of time opened the door and greeted me apathetically, asking if I had a reservation. I said no and explained I was meeting someone here. She asked my name, then looked at her list and said “Oh, you are here to meet ____, come in” and she closed the door and locked it behind me, telling the other people there that she would be with them in a minute.
She was bustling about the front area, a man came out and asked for his coat. They had an exchange, she offered to take my coat- it was very warm and dark inside. Whisky smoke jazz, low light, lacy wallpaper & gold rimmed mirrors. Gatsby-esque. These are my people, this is my place. She hangs my coat, I tousle my mane and step down into a room of velvet couches candles and close couples, the opening horn of ‘At Last’ by Etta James croons as I cross the room. She tells me he is in the bar as we glide through the room , heads and eyes turning up to watch us. Just as I cross the threshold to the back room bar, Etta begins… “At laaaaaasssssst…” The hostess introduces us by name, he looks at me with a brilliant smile and Etta booms, “… my looooove has come hoooome…”
We met early in the spring- I was ripe and full. Things happened fast, we were combustible, creative, plasmic. In ways I was shy and unaware of how young & beautiful I was; he found this irresistable, he was older, powerful, aggressive- I found this irresistable too.
By the fall, we were in it, I had it bad for him. We spent the summer with the windows open under fairy lights and warm breezes; jasmine, Bruce Springsteen, open access all the time. He was always busy with work and most often came over late in the evening, weary and wanting- I felt powerful that his solace and satisfaction were here with me. Our relationship was phenomenal, and isolated- I was too blinded by love and lust to see what was really happening. Every time I assumed him to be my every day boyfriend- whether by inviting him to do things with my friends, RSVPing for 2 on wedding invitations, not dating other people- it resulted in some let down, he did not come through. We would fight and I would tell him to either be with me for real or leave me the hell alone; he would retreat for a few days then come back and tell me he was sad and could not stop thinking about me, did not want me to go, was afraid of letting me down…
The toxic loop. I was so addicted. I would chase his love into the next lifetime, I’m sure. I may still.
The hands of summer dropped and swung for the trapeze of autumn. I was giving him one more chance and he was earning it- there were nights out, introductions to family and friends, I had an extra key made for my apartment, red glass heart dangling from the chain. Every effort he made I rewarded with more honey. He was wise to keep me in the chase- I was after his love and he held it high and back above his head, laughing kissing taunting me.
He was working at an all day festival in the neighborhood. I stopped by with friends during the day, we had plans later that evening. Texts and phone calls of innuendo and longing in the spaces between. Full throttle. He shows up at my house that evening, dusty and drunk from a day in the street. Laughing and kissing we tumble into the shower, never before has he been so desirous and lovely. I am so deliriously happy, my anticipating insides so very sure that this is our jump off. Shower turns to the bed and I am pulling back to ask if he wants me to make him some dinner. He wants a little something, but does not want me to go; I told him I will grab some fruit and some water, be right back. He warns me not to be gone long, not to stop in the bathroom. A heap of limbs and grapes and kisses, he tells me about his day. The grapes were gone, moon is rising, we are making our way back down, his hand behind my head. I start to slip out and away from him, he tightens, growls- ‘where do you think you’re going?’ I reply ‘real quick, to the bathroom’ and he kisses me more deeply, pulls me under him, I forget everything.
Forever later, we are on our feet, next to the bed, nothing has ever been more swoony and intense as this night. I tell him ‘baby, I don’t want to leave even for a second but I still have to go to the bathroom’ and he gets very serious and shy, one arm wraps around my waist and the other around my neck, his kisses weaving a cocoon about us. He pulls back,leans his forehead against mine and says ‘there is something I want to ask you’ inside my heart is racing, timpanis! this is the moment! this is the moment! it’s happening!! it’s happening!!! I take his face in my hands, nuzzling him and leaving little kisses on his eyes, his lips, smiling and whispering ‘what is it baby, you can ask me anything, I am all yours’ He hesitates, pulls me closer, looks into my eyes, and lowers again. Kissing me deeply, I pull away and say ‘tell me’. He drags his nose across my cheek, kisses my neck and lifts his mouth to my ear:
‘Will you…’
‘What baby, tell me, it’s ok…’
‘Have you… have you ever heard of a golden shower?’
Pretty night in the city. Misty, warming up, waxing moon… I spent hours in the bookstore after work, what an amusement park that place is. It was difficult to maintain presence enough to notice the men milling about (it was like a well stocked bakery of cupcakes), but I did some smiling and some eye flirts. For a while there was one man that I was in some kind of communication with- he was reading visual art books, I was lost in the gardening section; looking up to smile at each other, sweetly excusing ourselves moving past each other. He slipped through my fingers, that hundred dollar bill lost in the wind.
Determined not to miss another opportunity, I walked a few extra blocks just so I could pass people on the streets. There was the very tall model looking man that I was certain would not even see me who gave me a warm half smile twinkle that caught me by surprise, but I didn’t catch it in time. Crossing 5th ave I locked eyes with a very handsome older man who was walking in the opposite direction, he looked at me, turning his head as he was walking by, nodding and saying ‘good evening’ and like a dick I smiled and kept on walking. It was raining! We were in the middle of the street, give me a break! Ughhh, then there was that man with the bicycle on the train yesterday morning that I totally missed- he gave me an opening with his repeated held eye contacts and smile, but I was slow to move. Slapping my forehead. I don’t care if it’s inefficient for my morning commute, I will ride in the opposite end of the train til I see that hunk again!
Then, waiting for the F, my angel appeared in the form of a tall, dark, maybe Turkish looking man, sort of traveling hipster look, so I assumed he was foreign. What is with me creeping on the foreigners on the subways?! There were all yellow and green lights- eye contact, smiles, same train car, ended up right next to each other- I definitely thought the stars were aligning. It’s hilarious to me in hindsight, but I was actually baffled by his headphones! I could not figure out a plan to initiate conversation with him because of his goddamn headphones. HILARIOUS. So, this 12 year old here decided to write a little note that said:
“Hey Headphones 🙂
If you are single, I would love to have dinner with you, you’re really attractive!
xo Mystupidname (800)ASSHOLE”
As he is exiting the train, I catch his eye and hand him my note, with a smile. (Brace yourself) I watched him stop to read the note, then drop it like a soiled tissue or chewed gum right into the dirty subway trashcan and keep on walkin. He did not look back. Shudder, teeth suck, wince! God I hope the people I was still on the train with didn’t see that shit. Peeeeee-uuuuuuke.
I’m fine. Finishing up HoC right now with the kitty. Ate some cheese and had some peppermint tea. I’m ok.
Siggghhhhh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me, my confidence is a little shaken, the old voices are coming back, I’m exhausted, I miss my long term lover, been trying out some new lipsticks, I don’t know… I should probably ask my nurse friend for a B12 shot or something. I think we are all a little fucked in the head right now, winter yielding to spring and spring having to fight for it. I hate to be so boring. I’m going plant-based all the way on Sunday and committing to a home yoga practice, it will keep me focused as we go through these next few weeks. And it will help me get my glow back, not to mention help me to shed my winter blubber.
I have a date with the architect tomorrow that I’m excited and nervous about. I hope he doesn’t put the moves on me too heavily, I want to keep my feet on the ground with this one. I also have a Match date with a tall, handsome pug on Sunday. I’m committed to find other men of interest this weekend too, I will meditate on this tomorrow- there is a lesson in this that I must see before I can move to the next level. More but different sabotage patterns, wouldn’t you say?
Just want to conclude by completing the reference to the classic “Hundred Dollar in the Wind Theory” which suggests that: you must reach for the hundred dollar bill if you are going to catch it! if you do not catch it but keep on it’s trail, eventually it will lead you around a corner to the table where all the hundred dollar bills are stacked, just blowing away in the wind.
RIght before I got on the subway tonight, I looked up to see the moon rise right up next to the ESB. While photographing, I sang Christopher Cross quietly to myself, “if you get caught between the moon and New York City… I know it’s crazy, but it’s true- when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love” … I should have known given the love drunk air I have been breathing these past few days but I was caught unawares. And I totally fell in love. This young man sat near me on the L-train (the LOVE train) and we very naturally started laughing and talking as the people across from us started sharing a fifth of whiskey. Then as the train got more crowded, he slid right up next to me, and I felt every cell in my body turn to him as if he were the Sun and I made of chlorophyll. His birthday was yesterday (31), he went to an exotic restaurant for dinner and had fancy desserts where they wrote happy birthday on his plate in chocolate sauce, and he thought this was the best thing ever. I melted from his genuine simplicity. Then he went dancing. He marveled at how many people shared his birthday, I marveled at his fashion sense. I mentioned the blog to him and he was really interested. I asked him if he was single and he is not; I told him that if he was, I would definitely be asking him out (you know, for the mission!). He told me if he was single, he would definitely be saying yes. We rode the rest of the way, continued to talk close but respectably. He talked about what it was like for him to ask women out- weighing regret and rejection, he always leaned toward risking rejection. He told me how he likes to rock a pink flash sneaker or t in support of women’s health. I showed him the book I am reading (How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran) and he looked at the table of contents, remarking specifically on the chapter “I start bleeding”. He said that he didn’t understand why men freak out about this, or why women feel embarrassed about it- because without it, none of us would be here. Even as people got off the train, he did not move to put any space between us. We talked about what it was like to grow up in the city as a young black man, and he said he wished that people could change skins just for one week, that the world would be so different. He said he liked to hang out with gay men because they were peaceful and he didn’t have to worry about guns or violence. We were transferring at the same stop, and as we got off the train I told him his girlfriend was a really blessed woman. He said he did not want to get off the train. As we were walking to the transfers, a group of teenage boys started to rush past us and get confrontational and he instinctively put his arm around me and turned my body toward him to protect me as we went by. He retracted and apologized, I quickly said ‘no, no- that was nice’ and then we said goodbye, gave each other a long look, and he went to the J and I to the A, my blood feeling like champagne, my face flushed.
It was innocent and sweet and I’m really grateful for his fidelity and for my ability to respect other peoples relationships. Life has not always been so clean in this respect. I contemplated on the way home if there was even anything that needed to be said- like if I was coming home to a boyfriend, would this be an exchange that I needed to mention or that I would want my partner to mention to me. The answer is no- because it was handled totally appropriately. The truth is that even when we are in committed relationships, there will rarely be a person who shows up like a supernova- attraction so elemental and palpable. While I give up the freedom to act on this kind of attraction when I am in a committed relationship, it doesn’t stop it from being so. In previous relationships, this would have caused a huge problem- having this experience tonight showed me how much I have grown the fuck up and that humans can be trusted to behave in ways that honor each other.
He is so much more attractive to me because of his commitment to his partner. Whoever she is, I hope she recognizes her blessings and loves that man the way he deserves to be loved tonight and always.
no i do not love you 