I am meeting someone tonight at one of New York City’s hottest… wait.
Stefon interlude!!!
🙂
Really, though- I am meeting a man for a drink after work at a very very nice place and he appears to be a very very nice man. I asked him out on Match a couple days ago with a persuasive and adorable email, if I do say… I am looking forward to it, I love meeting new people and going to new (sexy, NYC) places.
He definitely gets the heels.
I have been asking out a couple of men on Match every day for the past few days, it’s a little boring to read about I’m sure. Sorry. I have a couple of events this week that I anticipate will yield a good story or 2…
I’m still in the game. A beautiful life-long friend of mine sent me some powerful words of encouragement this morning (Thank you. That Stefon video is for you, Beep). She said,
“Anyway I’m still reading your blog like scripture and loving it. It makes me feel like part of your life and I love it. You are brave and sassy and beautiful. Keep going. He’s out there.
Changing up the Match profiles appears to have had an effect. Of the 4 men I engaged over the weekend, I have coffee/drink dates with 2 of them this week, the other 2 are not vibing on me and that is just fine. There have been a bunch of emails and winks from nice men that I probably will not respond too, but the action is validating. Feels like I am getting a little closer to the target, most of the time. Sometimes it feels like I’m just learning.
Saturday morning I was on my way into the city and there were hundreds, I mean literally hundreds of people at the subway station waiting for shuttle buses because they are doing work in the tunnels again. This has been going on periodically since January- and even though I am of course happy that they are making the trains safe and clean and preparing us for future hurricanes and stuff, it has also been a huge pain in my ASS mostly because I am rarely on time. I’ve figured out that I can skip the shuttle and just take the train further east to transfer in on another line- that other line happens to be the L (love train!) which is full of cutie Brooklyn boys of all types, which is a great way to start the day.
I was standing there on the pole, heh heh, sipping my juice and tuned into miPod, when the doors open and in walks this young man who looks like a cross between Yasin Bey and Will Smith, wearing those Malcom X glasses, so tall, so yummy. I notice this older woman on the train look him up and down like she is a leopard and he is an antelope, smiling to herself, admiring him- which was awesome. He stops at my pole, places his hand directly under mine and gives me a smile. DIMPLES. Oi. He seems a lot younger than me so I figured I would just do like Leopard Lady and enjoy him while he is before me. More people enter the train and he swings a little closer to me, I fit perfectly at his armpit nook. Because I am always carrying just a little too much crap with me, I have to use my nose to flip the lid on my juice cup and got some juice on my chin (don’t judge me). I look up at the young man and he is watching me as I wipe the beet juice off my chin (on to my sleeve) and smile at him. This is a real Tina Fey moment. It then occurred to me that I probably also had juice on my nose, so I am wiping off the entire visage with my sleeve while noticing just how tall and handsome my pole sharer is. He’s not looking at me anymore, he is typing something on his phone. My cat-like face cleaning stops and I resume my cool. Jesus. He surreptitiously looks at me from under his eyes and passes me his phone, which I take in my hands. In his notes, he has written:
“You are metal and I am a magnet all I want to do is get closer to you. You are so beautiful. [his Name, phone number]”
YO, THAT IS MY MOVE! Sort of 😉 It is pretty smooth and he is really cute; I am totally blushing and we are smiling at each other in that sweet way, swinging a little on the pole like kids would. I type back something like
“Thank you! You are gorgeous, I am so flattered. We should meet for a drink sometime [my name, phone number]”
Then we have this slow motion geek series of moments, where we kind of smile at each other and look away, look back and smile, nod, look away- it didn’t make any sense. I took off my headphones, smiled at him and he removed his then we spoke like humans do. He tells me that he grew up in Bed Stuy and comes from the streets and nobody in his life has called him gorgeous before. He asks what I am up to for the day, tells me he is going to help a friend assemble a crib- he likes to help out, smoke some stuff and build shit. It is not his baby, he does not have any babies. I ask him if he is of the mind to read the instructions or will he just figure it out. “Both,” he replies. Then, leaning in to me “Can you follow instructions?” Ah-hem. He is a straight talker, asks me when was the last time I was really satisfied… It’s not even 9:30 in the morning. Tells me that he takes great care of his body (clearly) and that he is very sexually talented and doesn’t understand why women aren’t demanding more satisfaction from their men.
“You got a man?” he asks, I lie and say “Yes, but it’s cool, we have an open arrangement.” He wants to know about me, what I do, what I like to do- we find common ground in poetry. He is about to get off the train and tells me that he wants to have that drink, and that he will send me some poetry during the day. He may have kissed me on the cheek, then he exited the train, turned and gave me a wave.
Whoa.
He did send me poetry, and it is very, very good. I love it.
That said, obviously this man has got some game. I won’t make assumptions about what that means, but I’m not so sure I am going to move forward with what he is offering. My instincts tell me it is not yet safe to do so, and I will heed them. A friend of mine (the one who I am always quoting for you) said to a group of us last week:
“Imagine that tomorrow night you are going to go to a party and there you are going to meet the person of your dreams, the one that you have been waiting and hoping for and he is totally available and ready to go, you just have to answer one question. That question is: what did you do yesterday?”
He then went on to say that the way that we live when we are single and dating really does matter. So many people, myself included, think that because we are single we can be really causal about who we are sleeping with… And yeahhhh, sure you can. Of course. The truth is that ALL of our behavior, especially sexual, reflects our values, how we feel about ourselves, and who we are. Maybe the way that I conduct myself sexually when single should reflect how I would be if I were in a relationship. Or that I should regard the person I am sexing with the consideration that this could very well turn out to be my life-partner and the last person I sleep with for the rest of my life. I shook my head and scoffed at most of this, but it is lingering around in my thoughts and in my heart I am aware that if ultimately, who I am looking for is that partner, I might be helpful to act as if that person is already here.
I have a lot to think about. I know, I know. There is no right or wrong, no formula for any of this. I have to be in the moment living it, spiritually connected and honest.
I have been following astrologer/writer Eric Francis for about 20 years now. His website is planetwaves.net where you can access his current work and archives for a fee. I have found that his writings are free in some places, too, though for many years I did pay to have direct access to his website and publications. I sometimes geek out on astrology. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I am thinking about it now because what Eric wrote about us Gems this month has everything to do with what I just wrote about, and with the themes that have been coming us vis-a-vis what kind of relationship do I want, who do I want to BE in that relationship, and what kind of person do I want to be in relationship with. Check out what he wrote:
“You need your own personal code, your way of life, that is distinct from anything that was ever imposed on you, and which depends on what you have learned from all your travels. Most of all your guide to living must be informed by the outcomes that you want, measured not so much in material things as in the form of ethics, cooperation, the value you place on your relationships, and most of all, the value you place on the future. These are things that count, and the things I suggest you keep right at the front of your mind, every step you take.”
On Saturday, it was pouring in TriBeCa, the windows of the cafés and stores foggy and dripping, melting shapes and faces from the outside. I was grabbing a coffee after a 90 minute yoga class, half turnt up/half dazed. This class was both yoga & self massage- first we hit it hard on the mat, then empty the contents of our pink tulle bags that the studio provides, full of accoutrements, and we spend 45 minutes rolling around on balls and rubbing ourselves into a noodle-y blissful state. The teacher is very attractive- and because it is a body work class he takes hands on assists to another level- like full on cupping of the ass, firm hand slides down the side body from armpit to hip. I try not to sexualize yoga for the most part- it would be too easy to get freaked out. The combination of physical contact and deep tissue massage evokes a state that is similar to post coital bliss tho, same chemicals, same dreamy sleepy glow.
Tangental, really.
In the coffee shop, a man sitting by the window caught my eye, and I his. Just people noticing people. When I was waiting for my cup, he gathered his things to leave, tall and full, smiling at me with deep dimples on both cheeks. Ohhh my head says, yes talk to HIM- something about that working man-ness hits me just right on this dreary cold afternoon. He puts on a fluorescent parka and a white hard hat and exits, stopping outside the door to button up and light a smoke. As I am spicing my drink, he walks past the window and smiles again, I hold up a finger asking him to wait for me. Impulsive! He turns to look behind him, looks back and hold his hand to his chest as if asking “me?” in a faux- modest gesture. I smile and nod, finish what I’m doing and walk outside. Finally taking the suggestion of my friend, I say to him simply- “Hi! Thank you for waiting for me. You’re so handsome, are you single?” He laughs and thanks me, he is indeed single. I respond by asking if he would like to meet for a dinner or a drink sometime; he says sure. The conversation goes on a little while- he kind of goes on a ramble about being a simple blue collar man from Long Island, he is a train conductor for the MTA but today they have him doing work in the tunnels. Then he says that he mentions that up front because a lot of women don’t want to go out with a guy like him. I mean… The smoking part was kind of off putting for me but I liked his smile; then speaking with him it was obvious to me that I was not going to call this guy. Not because he works for the MTA or whatever, it was more that I could see we would not have much to talk about, and I quickly imagined that we would have very different ideas about how to spend our time together. 2 months ago I never would have even started the conversation, let alone held up my finger (!!!) and asked him to wait for me in the rain!
That’s 2 days of approaching people only to discover and decide that I’m not interested. Amazing how quickly that spark of attraction fades to nothing- but I am grateful, learning. Wait, have I told the avocado story yet? It seems apropos at this time…
Late last year, after a week of asking out 5 different men that I was really attracted to and getting turned down each time, I was really pissed, and just really tired, surrendered to my unattractiveness, deep in the self-pity. You know. I was talking with my friend- the same friend who initiated this challenge actually- and he said this great thing to me. I will tell you now. He said,
“Imagine you wanted to make some guacamole and you were at the store selecting avocados. If the first few that you pick out are not ripe, you would not blame yourself or say there was something wrong with you because you selected un-ripe avocados! You would just keep looking- or maybe you would decide that you wanted to make salsa instead and come back to the guac another time- but the point is that you would not find fault with yourself for any of this. It’s the same thing as all of these men turning down your advances, you have just selected a few un-ripe avocados.”
He’s really good at this stuff, right? I know. You should hear him sing!
A few days back I mentioned that I would go through my memory to determine if there was anyone really special back there that I should check in with (Days 32, 33, & 34). Any dreams I should chase. Turns out there was one, a BIG one, and I once it dawned on me on Saturday, I decided to sleep on it and if I could not shake the idea, I could do it on Sunday.
I couldn’t shake it.
So, this man… ooooo-weeeee, this man. Sighhhh. A little less than a year ago, I was walking home from the subway one night and I noticed a man walking a bit of distance in front of me. Actually I noticed his bag, it was fashionable, unusual, handsome. Anyway. He happened to turn down my street. The next night, again as I was walking home, I was about to cross over a busy thoroughfare and I turned to look over my right shoulder to see if the other lane was clear, and there was the bag and the man, right next to me. Knocked the wind right outta me. He crossed over and I surprised myself by catching up to him and striking up a conversation. Sometimes I guess I have the right instincts for these things. It was like love at first sight; no, it was love at first sight. That night we walked home together and as it would be, we were neighbors- about 10 Brownstones apart. It was not a week before I saw him again, this time on the subway platform heading into the city, where we spent the 40 minute commute engrossed in a quiet conversation about books, nutritional supplements, great restaurants. He took note of a few of my favorites and I his. Physically he could be my Mr Potato Head. Honestly. Dark brown eyes, clean and marvelously crooked teeth, brown peppered hair, dimples, tall… His voice was low and clear, his face was close to mine, he was very present in his eyes, our side bodies touching the whole time. I remember I could smell him- familiar sea and woods in amber tobacco- and I could see some of his chest hair popping out from his v-neck white-t, an black tattoo on his upper left arm. I got off the train one stop before him, and in my lovebeam I was pretty sure I had just found my future Mister.
We started to run into each other all the time. It seemed that anytime I left the house without make-up to run to the bodega for cat food or Cafe Bustelo, he would be there on his stoop in the sun, smoking his cigarette and enjoying a coffee. He often stood up and walked down the stairs to the fence when I would walk by, and we would talk- sometimes for 30 seconds, others for 30 minutes. We still ran into each other on the subway occasionally, and our conversations had gotten really cute because we were so excited to talk to each other and ask each other questions that there was always a lot of interrupting and smiling, close talking. We discussed our families and childhoods at length, he asked me many questions and he would remember details. Often, when I would run into him, he would follow up with something I had mentioned the last time we spoke.
One morning in June, just before my birthday, I spontaneously invited him to join me for a rooftop film later that evening. I could tell this caught him off guard, or kind of struck him in an uncomfortable way, which was hard to figure out. He took my number and texted me later that day that he was unable to join me. After that, I probably asked him out 2 more times and always he would get a stricken look and sort of evade the question. I let it go, we continued to talk about other things. I knew he was straight, I was pretty sure that he liked me, and every time I made up my mind to just ask him what the score was, I couldn’t put him on the spot. I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for him. He, like many New Yorkers of means, was away most of August, and the next time I saw him was on his birthday late in September. It was a brief encounter, I told him that I was moving and asked him to keep an ear out for me. He did, we stayed in communication via text about apartment hunting for the next few weeks. One day, I saw him leave his apartment with a woman… my heart sank & my head nodded. Intuitively I knew this, I suppose. When I found something a couple blocks away, he offered his assistance with the move and was happy that I would still be in the neighborhood. He told me to walk by his house every now and then because he had just bought a car and I probably wouldn’t be seeing him on the train. Heart sank a little deeper.
The day that I moved out of that apartment, I noticed what I thought was his car parked in front of my house; confused because there was a car seat for a baby in it. Later, between trips in and out of the house, his car moved and I saw him double park it in front of his house, as a woman holding a little baby and baby gear came down the stairs as he opened the car door for them. I made up a whole big story about all that and have not seen him since. He texted me a week or so later to check on my new place, see how I was doing. I said I would invite him and a guest to the housewarming (I did not have one) and he said he would attend. We haven’t texted or talked in about 6 months now- in addition to the story I created about the baby, I also decided it was his midwestern polite upbringing that contributed to my self-deception- that this man was just being friendly and kind because that is who he is, it was never that he liked me.
I let it go.
Until yesterday I had not thought of him much; I like that he came to mind when I whispered this question about dreams to chase out into the wind. Maybe his circumstances have changed- I mean, I’m sure they have in one direction or another! But what joy it would bring just to catch up with him about books and vegan restaurants, just to take him in- voice eyes smell energy all of it, ALL IN. I chickened out at a phone call, so I texted him to say hello and that I was thinking of him, and he replied quickly and said that he was so happy to hear from me- a sad face in reference to us not seeing each other anymore. Elated, I took this as an opening and asked him to meet me sometime for a coffee or a drink and he wrote back that he would like that. It will take a lot of self-restraint not to chase him, so in a few days I will put out a day/time and we will see what happens. Cross your fingers & toes and light a pink candle on your altar for me, please.
It really is joy enough to know that we had this exchange today and that I was on his mind, even for a few hours. I’ve been smiling. On a cellular level, remembering his sweetness makes me calm and vibrant, like the Caribbean Sea.
Pretty night in the city. Misty, warming up, waxing moon… I spent hours in the bookstore after work, what an amusement park that place is. It was difficult to maintain presence enough to notice the men milling about (it was like a well stocked bakery of cupcakes), but I did some smiling and some eye flirts. For a while there was one man that I was in some kind of communication with- he was reading visual art books, I was lost in the gardening section; looking up to smile at each other, sweetly excusing ourselves moving past each other. He slipped through my fingers, that hundred dollar bill lost in the wind.
Determined not to miss another opportunity, I walked a few extra blocks just so I could pass people on the streets. There was the very tall model looking man that I was certain would not even see me who gave me a warm half smile twinkle that caught me by surprise, but I didn’t catch it in time. Crossing 5th ave I locked eyes with a very handsome older man who was walking in the opposite direction, he looked at me, turning his head as he was walking by, nodding and saying ‘good evening’ and like a dick I smiled and kept on walking. It was raining! We were in the middle of the street, give me a break! Ughhh, then there was that man with the bicycle on the train yesterday morning that I totally missed- he gave me an opening with his repeated held eye contacts and smile, but I was slow to move. Slapping my forehead. I don’t care if it’s inefficient for my morning commute, I will ride in the opposite end of the train til I see that hunk again!
Then, waiting for the F, my angel appeared in the form of a tall, dark, maybe Turkish looking man, sort of traveling hipster look, so I assumed he was foreign. What is with me creeping on the foreigners on the subways?! There were all yellow and green lights- eye contact, smiles, same train car, ended up right next to each other- I definitely thought the stars were aligning. It’s hilarious to me in hindsight, but I was actually baffled by his headphones! I could not figure out a plan to initiate conversation with him because of his goddamn headphones. HILARIOUS. So, this 12 year old here decided to write a little note that said:
“Hey Headphones 🙂
If you are single, I would love to have dinner with you, you’re really attractive!
xo Mystupidname (800)ASSHOLE”
As he is exiting the train, I catch his eye and hand him my note, with a smile. (Brace yourself) I watched him stop to read the note, then drop it like a soiled tissue or chewed gum right into the dirty subway trashcan and keep on walkin. He did not look back. Shudder, teeth suck, wince! God I hope the people I was still on the train with didn’t see that shit. Peeeeee-uuuuuuke.
I’m fine. Finishing up HoC right now with the kitty. Ate some cheese and had some peppermint tea. I’m ok.
Siggghhhhh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me, my confidence is a little shaken, the old voices are coming back, I’m exhausted, I miss my long term lover, been trying out some new lipsticks, I don’t know… I should probably ask my nurse friend for a B12 shot or something. I think we are all a little fucked in the head right now, winter yielding to spring and spring having to fight for it. I hate to be so boring. I’m going plant-based all the way on Sunday and committing to a home yoga practice, it will keep me focused as we go through these next few weeks. And it will help me get my glow back, not to mention help me to shed my winter blubber.
I have a date with the architect tomorrow that I’m excited and nervous about. I hope he doesn’t put the moves on me too heavily, I want to keep my feet on the ground with this one. I also have a Match date with a tall, handsome pug on Sunday. I’m committed to find other men of interest this weekend too, I will meditate on this tomorrow- there is a lesson in this that I must see before I can move to the next level. More but different sabotage patterns, wouldn’t you say?
Just want to conclude by completing the reference to the classic “Hundred Dollar in the Wind Theory” which suggests that: you must reach for the hundred dollar bill if you are going to catch it! if you do not catch it but keep on it’s trail, eventually it will lead you around a corner to the table where all the hundred dollar bills are stacked, just blowing away in the wind.
RIght before I got on the subway tonight, I looked up to see the moon rise right up next to the ESB. While photographing, I sang Christopher Cross quietly to myself, “if you get caught between the moon and New York City… I know it’s crazy, but it’s true- when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love” … I should have known given the love drunk air I have been breathing these past few days but I was caught unawares. And I totally fell in love. This young man sat near me on the L-train (the LOVE train) and we very naturally started laughing and talking as the people across from us started sharing a fifth of whiskey. Then as the train got more crowded, he slid right up next to me, and I felt every cell in my body turn to him as if he were the Sun and I made of chlorophyll. His birthday was yesterday (31), he went to an exotic restaurant for dinner and had fancy desserts where they wrote happy birthday on his plate in chocolate sauce, and he thought this was the best thing ever. I melted from his genuine simplicity. Then he went dancing. He marveled at how many people shared his birthday, I marveled at his fashion sense. I mentioned the blog to him and he was really interested. I asked him if he was single and he is not; I told him that if he was, I would definitely be asking him out (you know, for the mission!). He told me if he was single, he would definitely be saying yes. We rode the rest of the way, continued to talk close but respectably. He talked about what it was like for him to ask women out- weighing regret and rejection, he always leaned toward risking rejection. He told me how he likes to rock a pink flash sneaker or t in support of women’s health. I showed him the book I am reading (How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran) and he looked at the table of contents, remarking specifically on the chapter “I start bleeding”. He said that he didn’t understand why men freak out about this, or why women feel embarrassed about it- because without it, none of us would be here. Even as people got off the train, he did not move to put any space between us. We talked about what it was like to grow up in the city as a young black man, and he said he wished that people could change skins just for one week, that the world would be so different. He said he liked to hang out with gay men because they were peaceful and he didn’t have to worry about guns or violence. We were transferring at the same stop, and as we got off the train I told him his girlfriend was a really blessed woman. He said he did not want to get off the train. As we were walking to the transfers, a group of teenage boys started to rush past us and get confrontational and he instinctively put his arm around me and turned my body toward him to protect me as we went by. He retracted and apologized, I quickly said ‘no, no- that was nice’ and then we said goodbye, gave each other a long look, and he went to the J and I to the A, my blood feeling like champagne, my face flushed.
It was innocent and sweet and I’m really grateful for his fidelity and for my ability to respect other peoples relationships. Life has not always been so clean in this respect. I contemplated on the way home if there was even anything that needed to be said- like if I was coming home to a boyfriend, would this be an exchange that I needed to mention or that I would want my partner to mention to me. The answer is no- because it was handled totally appropriately. The truth is that even when we are in committed relationships, there will rarely be a person who shows up like a supernova- attraction so elemental and palpable. While I give up the freedom to act on this kind of attraction when I am in a committed relationship, it doesn’t stop it from being so. In previous relationships, this would have caused a huge problem- having this experience tonight showed me how much I have grown the fuck up and that humans can be trusted to behave in ways that honor each other.
He is so much more attractive to me because of his commitment to his partner. Whoever she is, I hope she recognizes her blessings and loves that man the way he deserves to be loved tonight and always.
no i do not love you 