Riding the subway home, not terribly late- reading Henry and June by Anais Nin. This is one hell of a book. I looked up and saw a man, made space for him next to me- he was young and striking and had really incredible thick thighs. Tall, light eyed, hair like Magnum PI. Tentative. At first I was sure this was my moment for the question of the day. Glancing at him in my periphery, I just wasn’t so sure- but clearly I need the practice. So I reluctantly put down Anais and turned to him, friendly smile: “Are you on your way out or coming home?” On his way home from the restaurant where he works. We talked for a bit- he is 6 months in NYC from Minnesota. A very very young 26, but so sweet. After talking with him, I did not want to ask him out at all. I wanted to make him a sandwich and help him with his homework, you know?
Nonetheless, we got off the train and I noticed when he lengthend out he is a well constructed man- he looks like he has been working on a farm for his whole life. We laugh a bit, walk a ways together, I’m still not gonna do it- I just can’t. I notice his wet mouth, his teeth, those thighs- he is at least 6’0 and walking closer to me. I am seeing a little twinkle in his eyes and I chose not to walk with him to his street even though it could have been on my way, if I took a different way than I usually go. I said sweetly ‘Ok, I’m going to dip here hon” and he stopped and said ‘Oh? It was so nice to meet you…” I said ” you too!” and walked my ass home.
That counts, right? If it was earlier in the day, I would have tried again I swear. I was actually on my way home from a date with someone from Match (days 24 & 25). It was fun- we have a lot in common and strangely share some interesting history though we have not met before. I know that this man wants something serious, that he wants kids- both from his profile and early conversations. He made me laugh a lot, I could tell he liked me very much. I will go out with him again but I have no feelings about it. Juuuuust trying to be open- people tell me that sometimes someone grows on you, that people can be nervous or intimidated at first which I empathize with. Like many of you, and historically, I know immediately or within 3 minutes of knowing someone if I want to get with them or not. And when I don’t, so far, I never end up do-ing. If I try to, it always ends awkwardly, people get hurt and I feel guilty for experimenting with my openness to new experiences and new pathways to love on his time and investment. Shit, I might have to cancel… let me see after the next date.
I mean, I was wrong-ish about the architect (day 1) though if I am honest with you completely I will say I had some reservations from the start. They played themselves out quickly. Dates 2-3 I was getting kind of hot for him, but when he told me he is moving back to California and wanted to talk to me about being broken hearted and anxious after a social network review of his most recent ex, my flower closed. Reverse bloom. I felt that repulsion I was afraid to feel with him (day 21) and I think the fear I felt was my intuition warning me. It’s OK. It did suck to let it die- he asked me out a couple of times and I was legitimately busy, but I didn’t try to make another plan with him. And finally I thought of how I would like to be treated, and if I was now the woman that I want to grow into, how would I behave?… so I confronted it head on yesterday and thanked him but said the truth which is that I am looking for something different. Maybe we will be friends. If we are just friends then maybe I won’t have any energy about his yoga head band 😉
And it became clear to me today that the something different I am looking for is definitely not the kind of arrangement I had with my former lover of 8 years (day 10). I mean, I knew that, but something happened today that triggered a reaction based on the fear, hurt and harm I brought upon myself in that old relationship. Not to be vague haha, there’s not anything specific to say- a fear and sadness washed over me this afternoon and as I was feeling it I was able to identify clearly that what I was feeling was not of the moment I was in- it was historical, it was old wide deep water. Bayou swamp shit. It’s just that I don’t want to feel fucking crazy like that again- and get myself into an intimate situation with someone who is unavailable, where I find myself crossing my inner lines, in hope, to please; where I get all delusional and my desire for someone’s attention and affection, and to win them- have them CHOOSE ME- becomes more powerful than my instincts and desire to be loved-loved. Not love-to-be-fucked loved. It does not feel like a lie for me to want to have the experiences of non-monogamy, polyamory, and sexual vibrancy and freedom. I’m so so in- and I’m even ready for this stuff that is going to come up. Old ideas, in service of the ego, are only interested in their own survival. I was a feelings worshipper for so goddamn long that the super-ordination of this higher self- which now observes the feelings, triages them into categories then applies exploration, compassion and action- is just taking some getting used to. That and there were many years of my life that I did not love myself like this and was unable to want the Highest Love for myself. Now it feels like anything else, from friend lover or otherwise, just won’t do.
xxx
no i do not love you 