I went back to my favorite restaurant in Brooklyn, the one with the cute Sicilian waiter, a week ago (or something). I don’t remember now exactly how it happened, but I ended up giving him my number and we were on a date a couple days later.
The texts leading up to the date were infrequent and flirtatious- we were meeting for a drink in Union Square and I told him that if he was sweet to me, I might consider going to the beach with him the following day.
He arrived really early for our drink, so when I arrived he was a few drinks in watching the World Cup at the bar. We decided to get a table and have dinner, first he had to smoke. He’s younger than I thought- and I don’t mean in his age per se, more in how he presents himself, dresses and acts. He is about 10-11 years my junior. I was not really feeling much, but I was not (yet) repulsed so I stuck with it.
Dinner was sweet and flirtatious- we sat on the same side of the table, physically at ease with each other. I mentioned early on that regardless of how sweet he was, we would not be going to the beach the next day due to the weather. All that beach stuff was a half joke to me, but I should be more careful with young foreign men. When I said something he found silly or sweet he would pull me close to him and kiss me on the neck or shoulder- I didn’t mind; a couple times our faces/mouths were very close and we nearly kissed but did not. He has a really interesting life story that I was curious to hear more about and it is very sexy to listen to someone look for the right words in Italian. Every now and then, he would teach me how to say things in Italian- which made us laugh, affection was easy with him. He often did this strange twisting thing with his tongue and ran the tip across his crooked teeth which was unsexy- it just confused me.
I was not particularly interested- I found him sort of macho, immature, and kind of sketchy. He also really likes to drink and talked about having a relationship with pot that was a turn-off for me, too. I mean- he is fine as he is, I don’t mean to sound judgey- it’s all good- I just was not feeling him. He was definitely sizing me up to determine what my values were regarding sleeping with his friends- and wanted me to know that they were off limits, which sounded like a bummer because he has a good sized group of young, Italian, soccer playing friends- which, in my imagination, could have entertained me for the whole summer. Alas.
I would have met him a second time- why not. I might have even taken him as a lover, why not. He was very doting and intense and that can be really fun in bed. Plus, not to stereotype but- hey, he is Sicilian! I had a Sicilian lover for many years and he lived up to every delicious stereotype regarding Sicilian men (sexually). I was hopeful. But things sort of took a nosedive when we were getting ready to leave the restaurant and I was preparing to go home. He wanted to take a walk in the park- I obliged. He wanted to sit and talk but the benches were wet so he wanted to go to a bar- I obliged. I sat and waited at a table while he went to the bar for drinks and in the time I was waiting, a man came up and offered to buy me a drink- probably out of good manners or something. My date caught a glimpse of this in the mirror behind the bar and was angry when he got to the table. He asked me what the man wanted and I told him he kindly offered to buy me a drink, no biggie- and my date turned around and yelled to the man ‘Oh? Would you like to come over here and offer to buy ME a drink?”
Ohhhhhhh Christ, here we go.
He turns back to me and asks if I am coming back to Brooklyn with him or are we going to my apartment uptown. I laugh and say that we are not having a sleepover tonight. He proceeds to sit up, stiffen, cross his arms while taking a sip of his (6th) drink. Gives me a dirty look. Starts looking around the bar at the other women there. I laugh again and ask him what’s wrong- he is dismissive, cold. We have some words and it essentially boils down to he felt misled because I am not going to go home with him- and even though I find this disgusting and manipulative, I did apologize if I said or did something to mislead him but that this behavior/exchange was definitely not changing my mind about it. Fucking childish. I tell him that it’s time for me to go home and I stand up to leave. He sucks down his drink and walks past me to the door, holding it wide and looking angrily into the distance as I pass through.
As we walk down the block he says some more bullshit about me going home with him “just to cuddle” and questioning my decision not to, after we seemed to have gotten along so well at dinner. This is all making me even more incredulous and angry, but I stayed pretty cool and just said “I am sorry that you are disappointed, [sexy Italian name here]. Maybe if you want to get together next week for a coffee or something, we can see what’s good then, Ok?”
And here, my friends, is the moment: he turns to me and says, “[my name here in a sexy Italian accent], either you come with me now, or I will just see you around” as he lights a cigarette and raises his arm to hail a cab. Gasp! I blinked hard, mouth agape, then shook my head, turned heel and crossed the avenue. He called out my name and I did not turn back. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He catches up to me a block or two later, grabs my arm, I want to spit. Tries to spew all this pathetic dramatic bullshit about all the people who have let him down, how he does not meet women like me everyday and really wants to do whatever he has to do to make it up to me. My head is pulled back like a turtle and I am shaking it no, no, no. I said “I don’t want this [insert big arm gestures from him to me, circle around the air in between] in my life. This is crazy. So thank you for dinner, but, goodnight” and as he continues to try and explain, I hailed HIM a cab- gesture him in, he tries to kiss me and I turn my head, close the door on him, as he is calling out for me to text him when I get home.
Sure. No problem.
Needless to say, we are not going out again and I will have to connect to that crew of young Italian soccer players some other way 😉 I’m sure I will think of something…
I may have mentioned somewhere along the way that during the 100/100 project, I met a woman that I would like to date. I tend to be pretty hetero in my relationship conquests- when I was younger and drinking heavily I slept with a bunch of women, but have not really dated any. I find some women incredibly sexy and when I watch porn it is most often girl-on-girl or threesomes; this is pretty vanilla, I’m sure it somehow relates to internalized sexism and objectification but I don’t want to talk about that today. THE POINT IS that it is unusual for me to want to date a woman- you know, charm her, care for her, want to learn everything about her, explore and relate to her complex inner workings PLUS have a lot of sex with her- like an actual relationship.
So this woman is obviously exceptional.
Turns out, as it would, that she has been pretty active in the polyamorist/swingers community- not that I should be surprised by this AT ALL given who and what I seem to attract. And some nudist group… but all this in addition to being brilliant, successful, generous, loving, so fun to be around and blindingly beautiful, inside and out. Talking with her about my experience with my lover was really insightful… a little tough to swallow, but insightful- because to me it was, like, unfathomable, that someone could not connect emotionally and spiritually to a lover, ESPECIALLY to ME, but she set me straight with that nonsense. Maybe I can’t do it. But other people- for myriad reasons that extend from trauma to drugs to conscious emotional shut downs, do it all the time. Even with compelling little me 😉 She advises that I stop seeing the lover individually but stay friends with him- go to a party, invite him as a third where applicable. I don’t necessarily agree with her, I would still like to see him. She and I are going to attend some parties together this summer- so, however I get entree into this world, all signs continue to point me there.
We have a date tonight- er, I don’t know if we call them dates yet- we see each other regularly and have a lot of shared interests so we have a lot of tentative plans. Semantics, not the point. We are going to a class on orgasmic meditation (OM)– not where we practice the technique on each other (more on THAT another time) but we prepare ourselves in other ways through breathing and meditation to have more spiritually expansive orgasms. Or something like that. Make sure to click around on that link up there- this is some information you do not want to miss if you are a woman, or a man who is interested in women having orgasms.
In other news…
Have you ever heard the expression “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else”??
Cute expression, right?! 😉 It’s not really been my style in the past… I tried it, once. It was not good for me or him- I felt like I was on fire with anger and he caught feelings and got hurt because I was using him. That felt super shitty and was a mess to clean up. I don’t think it has to be that way at all- that was just my first try at it.
If you read my last post, then you know I was having some feelings regarding really wanting someone that I cannot have. Yesterday afternoon as I was listening to more Sharon Van Etten and repotting some plants in the beautiful Brooklyn sunshine, it struck me that a good way to get this out of my system would be a nice little toss with someone hot & new. You know, a one night stand. Honestly, I haven’t had one of those since maybe 2004 but I considered it a good idea. I just don’t want to think about it anymore- I want it back on a shelf and out of my veins, right now. I meant what I wrote about circling the wagons, too- I am so not interested in “finding” anyone right now- but if someone turns up, well- maybe. Maybe.
I did, however, get this little idea in my head and I started to think specifically about a man who works at my favorite restaurant, which I had plans to go to last night. He is tall and foreign (Italian :)) and super charming, maybe a little young, definitely someone who I once considered out of my league. I don’t think that way anymore, as you know. I put that specific idea aside and simply put it out there for the Universe that if She sees fit, to please put someone sweet in my path tonight for a little rendezvous. A night cap in the garden. Heh heh.
Not only did that Italian (Sicilian) man turn out to be one of our servers, but he is also a friend of the woman I was having dinner with so we were introduced. Kiss kiss like the Europeans do. Apparently, when I left the table to wash up, he came over to talk with my friend and said to her ‘your friend is very beautiful’ which was very sweet. Then when she left the table he came over to talk to me and we had one of those ridiculous/nervous/cute conversations, like we had no game. It was on, I could feel it- I just felt a little shy about making a move once my friend came back. As we were getting ready to leave, he came over and took our picture, then asked for a picture with each of us individually… then let us know that he was heading out for a night cap and asked us what we were drinking. It was a clear opening, and I didn’t take it. I balked, out of some respect or other feeling regarding our mutual friend. When he hugged me goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek and stood back, continuing to hold my hand- he confirmed that he had my name right, and told me to please come back and see him soon. I thanked him and told him I would, then wiggled out of there in my little mini dress, smiling.
Don’t you think I didn’t regret it, like I didn’t want to turn back and be there waiting for him when he walked out the door. Meeeoooww. Nice that the Universe agrees I need to keep on, and quick- whether that is the old over/under or an OM class with my sweetie while I maintain this other more inward focus,entirely.
This has been the week of a hundred thousand thoughts but not a single tail or loose thread to pull so I could unravel it all and show you what has been happening up in there. I’m exhausted and I had an evening coffee so here it is 2am and I’m awake, awake. Lucky you.
I began reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown this week after a mini-bender on Amazon (holla Prime!). You may remember her very famous Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability (<—- click that if you do not)(I just learned how to code links so no more copy/paste web addresses!!). Maybe you want to have a first or second look- it may be insightful. I wouldn’t gush that I loooove her or the book but I appreciate the discussion and some of the practical action/suggestions she makes. There are a few things going on in my life, personally and professionally, that Dr Brown’s work sheds light on, in a rip-open-the-drapes-to-the-midday-sun kind of way. The book specifically focuses on Brené’s research on shame. Becomes clearer all the time how influential shame is in my life… Synchronicity is a funny thing when you’re a meaning-seeking little story teller with a spiritual bent, like me.
Gosh, life can be so very tricky sometimes. Grateful for that which helps us grow and shine right through it.
Speaking of resources, a friend sent me a Tracy McMillan article from the Huffington Post that got my haunches up a bit. It was titled “Why You’re Not Married (<–)” ; then I went on to read another article from her written in the same voice about being a female Peter Pan(<–). It wasn’t until I watched the video at the bottom of the first article that it dawned on me I had read one of her books last year- and I remember feeling mostly meh– about it. The articles are a little touchy, she is brave to write the things that she does, but brave does not equal correct- these really are inflammatory statement pieces. She does comment that she is delivering these “truths” in the spirit of generosity and wanting to help people, but, where I come from? Truth without love is cruel. It might make it more sophisticated and articulate to criticize… eh. Who cares. You read it, lemme know what you think.
It’s good timing for this all to be swimming around in my head because I have decided, after some setbacks, fresh starts & tipping points, that I am circling the wagons and getting some shit together.
Deep Sleep by Logan Hicks
I can barely stand myself anymore in a couple of key areas- the subject of this dumb blog being one of the top 2- so this may turn into one of those detox rants for a few weeks or so, like Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing… ha, if only I could write something to compare to that masterpiece of what it is like to desire/resist/succumb over and over and over only to understand the truth about that suffering is really about God… oh Leonard, how I need you now. I… oh God, where do I even start? All I will say is that I have had the devastating gift of having a love with the force of all the Earth’s oceans wash over me in the past couple weeks and… well, I can’t have him. He is living a version of the dream, with a woman- and their child. Don’t get freaked out and judgey, not a single shady thing happened between us at all and he is admirable and respectful in every way- and I am too. Love is like that.
I am left with this surge of anger and demand, however, shaking my fist at the sky and being like whaaaat the fuck—… No really. What the fuck. Between the one I love & can’t have, and my swinger/lover (who is also in many ways a platonic ideal, but doesn’t want a girlfriend so that ‘goes nowhere’), I am feeling pret-ty sorry for myself and like I have been dicked out of something that is most valuable to me. It occurred to me briefly this evening, after walking back from a stolen moment, that perhaps there is a larger message in this: because that’s what I do to make sense of the difficult things of my life, I seek to learn and grow from them… OR THERE IS NOT A STUPID LARGER MESSAGE AT ALL AND THIS IS JUST SOME STRAIGHT UP LIFE SHIT THAT IS UNFAIR. Fuck you rainbows. Fuck you karma.
Even if a part of me is angry and sad, I remain mostly deeply grateful. Grateful to be awake and to love like this.
So I am dropping this old shell and swimming my naked lobster ass out to sea to grow a newer, bigger one to accommodate all this growth, and/or the changes that are happening, now. Older lobsters must be the humungous mutant ones. Good timing for this sort of introspection, given Mercury retrograde beginning in 4 hours(<–).
And just in time, today- I discover Sharon Van Etten. Rocked me. Every song an anthem. Like this one:
I’m a little shy of 100 days and heaven knows my counting was corrupted a long time ago, but I am going to officially move on from the original concept of the 100 invitations over 100 days. I will continue to write and I invite you to continue reading.
Here are some points of reflection and conclusion:
1. I was/am bored. I need to be doing something creative at all times. It’s like a puppy that needs to be taken for a run daily, the energy gets all bottled up otherwise. I knew that, actually- I guess I just got caught up doing whatever whatever over the past year and I have barely been creating anything. Asking people out (almost) everyday brought a lot of fun and insight, but writing about it was the thing I enjoyed the most. I believe that the creative, sexual, and spiritual energies derive from the same root source and when one is imbalanced the others suffer- but also that when one is booming, the others can expand dreamily. I think too that sometimes it is easier to look outside of myself to fill the deficit. Yes, sometimes when I am bored or dissatisfied or disconnected, I can quickly blame feeling that way on not having a partner or lover… when I think I just re-discovered that the actual need is to spend some time with my hands in the clay, pushing the fabric through the machine, or spray-painting some stickies or stencils in the backyard. Or go dancing. Im pretty sure dancing is holy. The point is that more than dating or fucking or whatever, I need to be actively creating as an essential aspect of who I am. I *think when I am fulfilled and growing there, I am totally in myself. AND WHEN I am fully embodied, I am attracting energies/people into my life who vibe on me and my thing.
2. Men are human. People are people. There is so much to say about the first statement and how profoundly different I feel in this one way. I am just in this new awareness about how I have objectified men and/or how I have sought them out as my own private on-demand source of affection, sex, validation, company, emotional distraction and/or absorption, etc. On people being people, it’s just a matter of really seeing and listening. Many times when I approached someone I was interested in, I was surprised to discover their person- and then find I was not at all attracted or that curiously I was attracted to people to whom I was at first ambivalent. It was unscientific and irregular. I feel like if I had a “type” before, I’ve thrown it out now because I am waiting for someone to show her/himself to me and then I can ask them to move away or come closer. One more thing about this is that it has softened the experience of rejection because now I really see that rejection does not mean I am unattractive or unloveable, it just means I am not the preferred flavor or someone is unavailable. Or I suppose many other reasons but really, it’s not a referendum on my attractiveness. I have many times had the experience of finding totally attractive, lovable people not attractive to me for sometimes obvious and other times indelible reasons. We are all just doing the best we can to be happy, living out our version of the dream. I feel confident that me and my dream will one day fit perfectly with someone else’s.
3. Historically, I have not been acting normally around people that I am crushing on or want to sleep with. This has actually given me the opportunity to notice it and make very very different choices about how I behave and communicate with the people I am attracted to. And even when I don’t really have the power to act differently, I can observe what I am doing and change the way I judge myself for it. Move from “You’re so fake” to “It’s very sweet that you like this person so much that you really want to impress them.” At the end of the day, I don’t want to attract someone by being different than I am and for me the vulnerability of self is tricky, even with close friends. I’m learning. I have some people in my life who show me love even in or maybe especially in my hideousness. These are the people I want to be around. I have been in relationships with people who fell for the lie and when they saw me they fled and that was some fucked up painful stuff, in the relationship and when it ended. Now I just want someone who loves me as is and doesn’t try to shame me for the things about myself that are me.
4. I think I want to date women. Well, at least one woman.
5. When someone is not interested or unavailable, respect that. Part of respecting that means not questioning it or trying to manipulate a different outcome. Oh, that reminds me: when someone does not want to have sex, it’s also really important to just respect that, not question it, and it’s really cool to continue to be physically intimate even when you know someone will not fuck you. I feel like this was covered in high school, but I just want to reiterate in case you forgot or thought that you were entitled to have sex with ANYBODY- whether it is the person you just met to your long term partner. Stating that you do not want to have sex stands on it’s own and healthy grown ups can say it and also hear it when someone else says it.
6. Energy is a real thing and we are all exchanging it with everyone we encounter. You can choose to have good energy and to share it with people freely. Sexual energy is distinct and noticeable and powerful and is something that should be wielded with care.
7. I want to be able to express myself completely with people I am having sex with and I don’t want any of those relationships to suffer the limitations of being exclusively sexual. And truthfully, for me, if I am not emotionally and spiritually attuned and connected to my lover, or do not wish to be, then the physical part ends. I might only be a love-maker. That actually suits me perfectly. And I guess the same statement applies to my lover not being spiritually and emotionally attuned and connected to me and closed to a deeper relationship growing: then the physical part must end also. Even though that is super hard for me to do, it’s just for the best.
8. Freedom is everything and the moment is the only place to be. Valuing these, love, and full self expression above all else doesn’t preclude a committed relationship and monogamy is not the only way to love. I’m not sure how all of this will shake out in my lifetime but I know I’m open to see how it evolves.
9. My perception of myself in the world is distorted and shape shifting.
10. No one is “out of my league”. Or yours. Ask for what you want- be grateful and open to what comes.
And maybe that’s all I’ve got on this for now. I’m at peace, it’s at rest. Everything as it should be. I love, I love, I love and am so very ready to give it all to you.
There is a little disclaimer I overlooked early on which is that I get the banality of this project and I know it is almost insultingly stupid given some of the awful realities that people are facing and things that I could be talking about. It is excessively self indulgent and silly so I must say both sorry and thank you for reading this or caring about me or ma vie d’amour. So, sorry! Thanks!
There is a meta-meditation out of the Buddhist tradition that I have been practicing consciously these past few days out of a kind of dizzying psychic tremor which has left me so very aware of how much pain people are in. It started a couple days ago when I met a saintly older man who had recently lost his daughter to suicide. I felt my heart swell up to fill my entire ribcage when he told the story about coming out to her a few years ago (he had been a closeted gay man married with kids for decades) and her response to him was something about loving him as a complete package, not just parts of him. The space around him was so available for others to step in and grieve, as if in his magnitude he was offering to take and hold on to all of our hurts. The meditation practice is to inhale the pain and suffering of others, and exhale your love and light.
And so, for days, but most especially tonight:
(Inhale) give me some of your hurt, I can hold it;
pause;
(Exhale) please accept my finest love and my brightest light.
There. 🙂 I hope that love light reaches you, wherever you are!
This afternoon I stumbled into my chiropractors waiting room and was immediately greeted by a warm and handsome smile of a man who I *think I saw there yesterday as well. The head chiropractor was sitting next to him going over his treatment plan and he kept looking up at me and smiling, as if he was checking to see if I was still there and so happy to find out that I was. That’s an awesome way to feel when someone attractive is looking at you and smiling. The doctor got up and left, leaving us to just sit there smiling at each other. Incidentally, on the TV above his head was an awful Nat Geo moment of 2 seals attacking each other. Amazing. Here is the conversation we had:
Smiles: “Are you feeling any better today?”
Me: (shrug) “Sure, or I am on my way to feeling better. How are you feeling?”
Smiles: “That’s right, you just have to stay positive, keep a real positive outlook. I feel amazing- ever since I started coming here, such a turn around, 100% better.”
Me: “Oh I am so happy to hear that! Yes, you’re totally right- being positive is the only way”
The doctor returns and calls him up to the desk so he can collect paperwork and schedule the next visit. He stands up and walks to the desk, dressed in classic gray sweats, tall, muscular, he’s got that Brooklyn style sensibility that is so so attractive- the kind of clothes worn in such a way that you just want to take them off. While he talks with the doctor and receptionist, he continues to look over at me and smile.
Me: “So, do you live in Brooklyn?”
Smiles: “Yes I sure do. Do you live in Brooklyn?”
Me: “I do! What part are you in?”
Smiles: “Flatbush. What about you?”
Me: “Oh, Flatbush? We are neighbors, I’m in Bed Stuy.”
Smiles: “Oh really? Well, nice to meet you, neighbor.”
Me: “Yes, nice to meet you too! We should…”
Smiles: “… meet sometime in the neighborhood for a drink?”
Me: “Yes, that’s what I was thinking.”
Smiles: “Me too, let me give you my number.”
And he gives me his number, we introduce ourselves, shake hands. As he leaves he looks over his shoulder and smiles at me again asking me to call him soon to set up that drink. Of course, of course. From his glasses and smile, to that BK swagger, to his overt interest in and attraction to me- I liked all of it. OK, so, technically, he did the asking, but I was moving in that direction, clearly, so- we have a tie. I did not call him yet, but I will tomorrow.
Yesterday I had dinner with my polyamorist friend and that was lovely and delicious, just like he is. I have been reading The Ethical Slut and appreciating the insights and tips for beginners in the Lifestyle. I brought it to his attention and he said that it was a good introduction. We talked a bit about parties and fantasies. Sadly, I was unavailable when he invited me to a party a couple weeks ago. We have had some scheduling challenges. He explained to me a little more about how people behave at parties, and how to meet people to act out/fulfill fantasies with. It’s all very interesting.
At one point I discovered a scar on his chest and after he told me the story of it he asked if I had any interesting scars. In my mind I thought ‘none on the outside’ but I spared him my drama and just said ‘no, not yet!’ The thing that I am tripping on, just the littlest bit, is that because I know he is unavailable and I do not want to get confused about that, I am finding myself a little shut down around him to the point of not really being able to be satisfied sexually- like, I’m not really able to connect because I have powered down the whole grid in an effort to protect myself and also not push him away should I have any feelings. This suuuuuuucks. I’m hoping it goes away. I mean, look- I am tryyyying to learn how to be fond of someone, express that in appropriate ways, but not have any expectation or attachment. And I am actually doing it well, I think; this thing is not a thing for me, and the only way I know of, at this time, to keep it that way is to not invite him into my heart and not initiate any more dates. He can initiate, he can call it. I don’t think the solution is to discuss it with him- it is definitely in the realm of my processes and I’m grateful to be so awake in this but it does feel a little… hard for me to navigate. I do not want to hide or deny my affection for this man, but I am; and I have picked up on what feels like a tightness, a distaste if the conversation turns emotive. That’s a shame, because I feel like that’s the best thing I have to offer. He has got this down- he is affectionate, polite, considerate, open, charming, generous- and completely energetically unavailable, there is nothing for me to plug into. I’ve probably got some decisions to make about this- it might be untrue to ME, my soul, my blue; AND I have absolutely had some yucky experiences with dissociation and sex and I don’t want to make love like that any more in this body. Aye. And Yay! Here’s a quote from The Ethical Slut that feels apropos:
When you find yourself worrying about how you may be seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract somebody who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is somebody who is excited about somebody who isn’t you. When you are honest, you attract people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.
I consider myself a pretty laid back woman, maybe moderately emotionally neurotic, but otherwise pretty chill. I can easily lose myself and time completely watching clouds shape-shift; I often just sit peacefully and do nothing but immerse myself in a delightful cup of dark coffee; I have lost hours of my life arranging flowers or pruning plants. I’m just really in the moment. Or something…
… hoooooowwwwever, I’m always on the move. I wouldn’t have it any other way- everything I do is important to me, and there are never enough hours in the day/week/month to spend as much time as I would like to with the people that I love. I have to literally be taken out, knocked on my ass with physical illness to miss out on my gigantic beautiful life. And that is precisely what happened this past week.
I hurt my back like 3 years ago- it’s not a huge deal, many people have the same back issue that I have and somehow we all figure out how to co-exist with an often unreasonable amount of discomfort and physical limitation.
A little more than half the time, I can do whatever I want- because I take really great care of this body-temple with yoga, nutrition, rest, and H20. Sometimes, tho, I will sneeze or move the wrong way and boom! 4-8 weeks of limitation, rehabilitation, and frustration. Now, maybe 5 weeks ago I did *something, not sure what, and have been hammering through my life between chiropractor appointments and handfuls of ibuprofen. The first order from any doctor treating this particular back injury is “REST” and in my mind, this meant “do not exercise” which you can probably easily see are two totally different commands. Thus, my nature so refined, I came down with a fever and total inability to do anything but sleep and cry for the past 5 days- which has provided just the rest required to move me in the healing direction. Yay.
So, I have not done any asking outs or dates or anything even remotely frisky, I’ve mostly been asleep. When I could no longer lie down because it hurt too much, I gave myself a glamorous blow out and practiced my Mila Kunis smoky-eye make-up applications by watching YouTube videos. Honestly. I looked really hot (read:CRAYYYYZAAYYYY) when I went for the MRI, let me tell you: smokey eyed model hair in Chucks and skivvs wincing my way through the click click clicking of that modern day iron maiden. Bullshit.
SO, all I am saying here is HELLO and HERE I AM. So looking forward to some new action. Sort-of sad to say that the man I was really excited about last week has stopped communicating with me. I am or was surprised by it- our second date was really nice, and we had plans to do things together after that. There is no one thing that I could pick out to have predicted this. He did mention that he had a very hectic work week ahead, and I get that- but busy work week or not, we have all read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and if you haven’t, all it means in this context is, well, obviously dude is not that into me.
Remember this, my sweeties: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Since I could not look out from under my umbrella in our rainy, windy city today, I had to get creative to maintain my integrity with this project… and things had gotten a little stale around here. Match just would not do.
First, to Brad, David, James, Johnny, Fabrizio, Adrian and Christopher: if I saw any one of you on the street I would find you compellingly attractive and would absolutely ask you to go on a date with me. (Wait, there is a lie in there: Adrian- I saw you one afternoon on the C train way before this project and honestly, I did NOT ask you out because I was just trying to respect you and enjoy your presence. ) You should know that I am single, sweet, & supafly and I have been challenged to ask out 100 men who I think are “out of my league” in 100 days. I started on Valentine’s Day and have been having a lot of fun! Earnestly, I would love to keep the company of any or all of you, I bet we would have a very very good time. Consider it! Oh, and, please check out the rest of my writing on the project! xxx
Of the serious boyfriends of my life, I have met 3 of them on April 8th. No lie.
My High-school Sweetheart: 4/8/1994
I was working at a popular roadside ice cream and burger stop. It was a Friday night early in the season and I had plans with my girls to go to a party hosted by an older boy, I think he may have been in his second year of college. I was 2 months shy of 16. When I saw the white Honda Prelude pull up, my heart quickened, as I had seen this car before, and the guy who drove it was really, really hot. He was tall and tan, had that long-ish skater punk hair, sea blue-green eyes,the straightest teeth and sweetest smile. He did not go to my high school, I didn’t know him. He and his friend got into the line at my window,looking at me and kind of whispering to each other. They ordered, flirtatiously, and sat a table waiting for their order, still watching me. I was blushing and showing off in the way 15 year old girls do. I made sure that I, personally, called their order out over the speaker, they came up and his friend asked me if I had a boyfriend, which, at the time I did not. I looked at my crush and asked them if they wanted to come back later when I got out to go to a party, they said sure. Haha, I guess I had those instincts even at 15… it’s true, I knew.
Sure enough, he and his friend came back to meet me. My besties came to pick me up, and the boys got in the car with us and off we went. I sat right on his lap in the back seat pile up- I think there were at least 4 or 5 of us squeeshed in. We got high, we sang songs, laughing and radiating out into the night. When we spilled out of the car, I whispered to him “Will you hold my hand, please?” and he smiled, reached out and took my hand and said “Of course. Why?” and I replied, “Because I don’t want any of these other girls to think they can hit on you” and we walked into the house, laughing, holding hands.
There was a little drama upon arrival- I was part of a crew of boys, and one of those boys had his mark on me. He did not like to see me walk in holding a strangers hand, and he made it known by being a total dick to my dude. We got more high, more drunk- our high school parties always got stupid, people barfing and setting things on fire; standing in spontaneous circles spitting on each others shoes and laughing at the expense of someone else.
In a drunken heartbeat hallway, we were alone and we fell into someone’s bedroom. I don’t remember when the first kiss happened but now we were moving, fast, beyond that. Drunk and unexpected, I took him in my hands; he came quickly and I gasped ‘Ohhh I’m so sorry!’ because, well, the mess. He burst out laughing and told me he had never heard of someone apologizing for making someone come, and I burst out laughing too. We lay there laughing and kissing and smiling for a bit; cleaned up and made our way back out to the keg, where we split up to report back to our people, like we did way back then.
The next day, I saw him again, and by Sunday, he was my boyfriend. He got me a kitten for my 16th birthday and we named the kitten Paco. Inseparable and happy, we stayed together until midway through my first semester of college… Then one morning after tripping at a Violent Femmes show, I woke up and, without warning, smashed his heart into bits after breakfast.
The First One I Lived With: 4/8/2001
He worked at a pizza place up the hill from the youth center I was working in. I went there often with the kids and sort of smoldered awkwardly in his presence, every time. He was tall and thin with very trendy dark rimmed glasses, spiky black hair and white blue eyes. So Weezer. I loved his big Jewish nose and his little boy lips, giant hands, and the way he moved. His movements were both exaggerated and deliberate but he was somehow floaty and soft, like sunny day clouds.
I loved him.
One night I was over there with 2 of the kids I was particularly close to- they were a couple and they were funny. She knew I had a crush on him and totally embarrassed the SHIT out of me by asking him if he was single, telling him that I was and that I thought he was really hot. He looked at me quizzically and I burned bright red, scrunched my face, shook my head and turned heel, walked right out. The kids came after me laughing trying to drag me back but there was no way. Humiliating.
Some time later, I was in a bar playing pool with some friends and he came up to the table, laid his quarters down for the next game. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. I was a hella pool player as was my partner, so we won and up he came for the match. He was a hella pool player as was his partner; I don’t remember who won, but I do know we flirted our way around that table! He was UP on me and I was SO into it. We talked away for the rest of the night, he was drinking Red Bull and vodkas and I could smell that faux strawberry Red Bull smell on his breath. Just a sweet and happy drunkie, smoking his Marlboro lights, among a crew of friends who I could tell were all good people. It was easy to see he was gold. I asked him if he remembered me from the awkward incident in the pizza shop and he freaked out when he made the connection. That day, he had gotten his first real job as a graphic designer for a small Chinese appliance company in New York City. He took my number on the inside of his cigarette pack, kissed me before I left. Exhilarated and turned out into the starry, sweet smelling New Paltz night, lovestruck; driving and singing my way over the mountain.
That was a Friday, and when he called me the next night Saturday Night Live was on and it was Coldplay’s first appearance. They played the song ‘Yellow’ in the background of our call; he invited me over the next day for a grill and canoe in the afternoon. I accepted. He lived with a couple dudes in a cabin right on the Walkill River. He bounced out to the car when I pulled up, took my hand and gave me a tour of the house and property. He introduced me to his roomates and friends who were enjoying the afternoon, they were all super nice and everything was beautiful.
“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” as Kurt Vonnegut said…
We had a fast and sweet 3 months, he was so thoughtful and fun to be with. There was something that was a little off for me, I was uncomfortable and couldn’t really pinpoint what or why, but at the time I interpreted it as I wasn’t really into him. We broke up, he did not take it well; I was sad and confused about it but it seemed like the right thing to do. A couple months later I saw him in the bar and we ended up going home together. Things kind of went like that for a few weeks- we were hanging out and sometimes having sleep overs, but we were not quite back together- you know. Like that.
Then on September 11, 2001, I was driving home from my morning class at the college and I was listening to live radio of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. I stopped for a pack of smokes and got home quickly, tried to call him and his phone was busy. I knew nothing of the geography of NYC at that time, but I knew his office was right in the middle of it and I was really really scared. I was sitting on the floor of my apartment in my underwear taking bong hits, watching live as the second plane hit; my mother called and suggested I come home right away. I kept trying to call him and could not reach him. Emailed; no response. I went to work and sat on the front porch steps consumed with worry. I called his good buddy to ask if he had heard anything, and his friend said “Oh, he just got here- he was on the last bus they let out of the city- do you want to talk to him?” and I just hung up the phone, got into my car and drove to his friends apartment.
In all of my life, before and since, I have never been happier to see someone as I was to see him in that moment. I jumped into his arms and we cried. We smoked a bowl and played some video games, counted all of our ducks, made our way to the bar. It struck me that my feelings for this person must have been much deeper than I understood and that night, I told him I loved him and wanted to get back together. He agreed. On our way home from the bar, we got jumped in the parking lot- it was a mess. People got really hurt, and it was a hard awful day. He managed only a black eye, I had a sore throat.
Two months later we moved in together and had the best time in our first apartment. We painted every room and arranged all of our art, filled up our refrigerator and made love every night. He had a home office but commuted an hour and 45 minutes to the city every day. He loved me madly and was always funny and kind.
We lived in that apartment for 2 years and then moved closer to the city when I got a new job. Simultaneously, I was really getting strange and disturbed from all of the drugs and alcohol I had been consuming for the past 10 years. Our home life was bittersweet; he was starting to get really concerned about my drinking. One night he came home from work so so upset because that morning when he left, he could not wake me because I was so fucking trashed passed out wasted from the night before. I was deeply ashamed and promised to get better but what I really did was started lying and hiding my alcohol and drug use. It was a dark time.
We lost that apartment and he told me he thought I had a problem and needed to get help. We moved back in with our respective parents to try to sort things out. One evening I went down to visit him, he had prepared a picnic on his front lawn, purchased my favorite red wine. As soon as he saw me he started to cry and asked me “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” I looked down and the blanket and nodded, huge tears falling from my face to my hands. He threw the wine bottle and the glasses, those big deliberate movements, floating thunderstorm clouds. I left him there, on the lawn at his parents house, and drove 90 minutes home to a bar. I woke up the next morning unsure of the night before, in the bed of a friend.
I spent the next 6 months in a black out, he and I did not see each other but would have sad sad conversations every now and then. He wanted me to come back and I was not sure, I was really fucked up and trying to figure things out. His life kept moving. Then one day he told me he met someone else and was going to date her- I needed to think hard and fast. A month later, he called to tell me he had fallen in love with someone else and could not speak to me anymore.
In a way that I did not understand or see at the time, he was like my last life line, the only thing I had that was possibly going to tether me to myself or life as it had been and suddenly he was gone. Forlorn and exhausted, I must have prayed; within days, I stopped drinking and using drugs and that was over 10 years ago.
The One I Never Really Had: 4/8/2006
In the early days of MySpace, one day a message came through from a local performer, inviting me to check out one of the shows he hosted at a local bar. I kind of felt bad for him, and admired him for doing this kind of individual social networking recruitment (my, times have changed, huh?!) so I wrote him back to thank him and said I would be happy to come to a show. He wrote me back, and suddenly we were in it- and IT was very cute- anticipating his messages, creepin on his pictures.
Within days, he asked me to meet him for tea at a local coffee shop that I hung out at a lot. I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember clearly standing outside chatting with some friends when he walked up. I caught his elbow before he went inside, he smiled huge and kissed me on the cheek, introduced himself to my friends. Led me by the arm as he held the door to go inside. We ordered jasmine green teas and went up to the loft, where we stayed for hours. It was early and obvious, what was happening there. He was not shy to reach down and touch my foot to say he liked my shoes; hook his finger on my shirt to pull it down and admire the tattoo on my chest; lean in to smell my perfume. He wore Aqua di Gio and to this day I can’t think straight when I smell it. He was/is Sicilian and unbearably gorgeous, with the deepest man voice on Earth, the softest brown eyes. Goofy, easily worked up, loud, self-effacing, doped on me, sexy as hell.
Within the week, we met at the coffee shop 2 more times before I invited him over to my apartment for tea. As I write this, my heart is swelling, in memory of that time in my life, the early days of him. I have written other parts of this story here- Day 10, Days 28 & 29.
Sometimes I think all the bad karma I accumulated from the ways I hurt the first two was all payed up with this one. Jesus, I hope so.
Um, not for nothing, I did just meet someone- who appears exceptionally great- the day before yesterday, or, 4/8. Not that that means anything or anything, but it is a very sweet first date entrance story. Briefly: He asked me to meet him at a popular speak-easy downtown. I arrived at the door and rang the bell. A full minute later, a beautiful woman out of time opened the door and greeted me apathetically, asking if I had a reservation. I said no and explained I was meeting someone here. She asked my name, then looked at her list and said “Oh, you are here to meet ____, come in” and she closed the door and locked it behind me, telling the other people there that she would be with them in a minute.
She was bustling about the front area, a man came out and asked for his coat. They had an exchange, she offered to take my coat- it was very warm and dark inside. Whisky smoke jazz, low light, lacy wallpaper & gold rimmed mirrors. Gatsby-esque. These are my people, this is my place. She hangs my coat, I tousle my mane and step down into a room of velvet couches candles and close couples, the opening horn of ‘At Last’ by Etta James croons as I cross the room. She tells me he is in the bar as we glide through the room , heads and eyes turning up to watch us. Just as I cross the threshold to the back room bar, Etta begins… “At laaaaaasssssst…” The hostess introduces us by name, he looks at me with a brilliant smile and Etta booms, “… my looooove has come hoooome…”
Please excuse me for taking so long to write again. I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica. I really feel elderly when I say that. Sighhh. But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.
I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line. I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while. It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for. Shit, I had some good lines in there! Check this one out:
“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”
What an asshole!
So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh. I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery. That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people. I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not. I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them. Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.
There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.
After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes. I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them. Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too. Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one! 2 of them visited my profile. Ahhh, Match life.
It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time. In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun. I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get. One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable. Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.
If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them. I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works. And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great. Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.
One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards. I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.
It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry: “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”
Details below!
Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread
1. How you have come to your present situation or focus: V The Sage
Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power. Ancient knowledge will guide you. Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person. Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.
2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart. The bridge you need to cross:7 of Coins
A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished. A warning not to stop for too long. Time, reflection, self study. The payoff will come later. A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved. Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’. As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. Act.
3. The foundation or root of the issue:5 of Wands
Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!
A conflict fueled by creative differences. A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings. Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony. You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want. It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.
4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation:Princess/Page of Swords
A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others. An idealist. Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown. Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind. May seem secretive to others. The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.
5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind:Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.
Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once. Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent. She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness. Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her. BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.
6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle:8 of Wands
The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration. Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon. Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static. Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery. Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.
7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation:XX Liberation
Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation. A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation. Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you. Making choices without blaming oneself or others. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.
8. Family and significant others, how you are perceived:6 of Cups
Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards. Carry what is good from the past into the present situation. The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place. Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.
9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative:King of Coins
A powerful man, financial or business leader. A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money. He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising. Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.
10. Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation:7 of Cups
Many elements or choices presented to the seeker. A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes. Imagination and vision. Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement. As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.
11. Gift, guide, hidden factor:10 of Wands
Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity. A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects. Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs. We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship. People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.
no i do not love you 
