Headlamps in the Lion’s Den

I have started and erased a sentence 8 times because I want to start this story the right way.  Been away from this, from you; and this story can get lost in the telling.

An old friend visited me last night.

We both have long been spiritual seekers-  sometimes humans come out that way; I did.  I was born during the Week of the Seeker. It wasn’t always clear in language that GOD is what I was seeking- sometimes it was connection, creativity, meaning, nature, sexuality- but it was always with me; and he (the friend who visited me last night) was the same from childhood too, though his seeking was always native and natural,Earthy, sexual.  Like I was the little girl in the outfield with the balls just rolling past because I was picking flowers and singing to the clouds and he was the messy muddy boy of frogs and fires.  We did not know each other as children, but grown, it is our wounded inner littles that often come out to play.

I remember vividly the first time I saw him- it was like that scene in the movie Requiem for a Dream (here) where they shoot up- prick, surge, dilate, swooosh and giggle- the pheromones detonating way before hello.  I saw his response across the room.  Within a week, I found him on Facebook; we exchanged veiled, charged messages (he had a girlfriend) and then I offered to lend him some gear for an upcoming solo camping trip he was taking.  A headlamp, sleeping bag.  The exchange that set it off was something like:

B(oy): So how will I get this gear from you?

G(irl): You can stop by my house to pick it up.  [Address provided]

B:  Sure.  I will walk into the Lion’s Den.

G:  Great, see you soon then.

When he came to pick up the gear, I served him tea and we played dress up.  He stood me on a foot stool in my green lace tights and adorned me with belts and feathers; I made him a crown of hydrangeas and a sequined bandeau.  It was late September, Indian Summer and we were very, very warm taking long, close breaths of each other- practically levitating from the energy building between us.  Twenty something and he had the dimple/brown eyed/crooked teeth trifecta that I lose my mind(panties) for; I was taut and leggy like a deer, wide open eyes like the sea.  That night we kissed and it broke the spell- I turned him out into the night with the headlamp and sleeping bag.

The next week is kind of blurry in my mind, but he reminded me of some of the details when I saw him last night.  There was the drive out into the hills to stargaze in the grass when the forbidden hesitations drove us wild; the ungraceful break up; climbing up my fire escape and staying in my bed for 2 days with the phone off.  Going back to his apartment to face what he had to face and then sitting on my stoop tying a bracelet he made around my wrist while he told me he was going to try and work things out at home.  It wasn’t love between us but it was something and I was sad to see him go, but I understood on a soul-level the necessity of what he had to do.  The mess that followed was not dignifying to anyone involved- violent threats and psychotic jealous all night phone calls, police reports, carrying mace.  More drama than I had seen in some time and I was glad, so glad, when it stopped.  We stayed away from each other for a long time- at first, deliberately and later just by virtue of leading different lives.  At some point we made a peace- I was seriously involved and living with someone else and we had both grown enough to prioritize forgiveness and love above all.  I think, too, that we had recognized the divinity in each other from the start but were using a very primitive language to express it.

To be honest, over the years I did not think much of him and was sort of forbidden to be even a casual acquaintance to him by my boyfriend at the time.  Funny the things that happen.  I guess I noticed who he was dating and sometimes heard of some of the more dramatic spectacles- I was probably judgy and cunty about all of it.  We had many mutual friends and a sort of peaceful ambivalence that worked.

A couple years later, he bubbled up in my consciousness because I was about 6 months out of the serious relationship and was looking to forget myself in someone else’s charm for a while.  In hindsight, the whole thing was pretty shitty- I manipulated and seduced him because I was hurting badly.  My hurts appealed to his instincts to heal and provide for someone, and he was trying to have a real relationship with me.  It was about two weeks and it hurt both of us but we managed to cut it off, give it space to breathe and be friends.  There was a little sputter one night and I went to his house, got mine and left- which was a cold cruel thing to do.

Hurt people hurt people, is what he told me.

So again we just became like a piece of art on the wall of each other’s imaginations- he was there/not there, it was peaceful, dormant, a non issue.  It was more than an old hook up but way less than a broken relationship, and it was fine.  I admired him in many ways for his creativity, playfulness, and spirituality.  He dated a very close friend of mine and while at first I was hopeful for them because I cared for them both and thought they might just be perfect for each other, in the end when that didn’t flourish, I sided with her and disposed of him energetically.

Fast forward to yesterday, 2 lightyears later: through a series of “coincidences” I was struck by some nostalgia for him, and decided to just reach out and invite him to coffee because I knew he was nearby and that he was moving very far away, very soon.  I wanted to make amends and be enchanted by his stories and his light.  I felt nothing but warmth and goodness, even if it was impulsive and wildly unpredictable for me to contact him.  And as our connection has always been a little reckless and hard to follow- it would make sense that hours later he is in my yoga class and we are like old friends.  I think the old friend feeling came both from that spiritual connection and that this story took place over the course of 6-7 years.  That and a lot of my affection for him is derived vicariously through the relationships he has with our mutual friends.

It was a beautiful night and I think that came from both of us being open to whatever evolved and that we were coming together as whole adult people.  I was able to apologize for the things I had done to harm him, he gave me the gift of forgiveness.  We were able to talk about our lives without reservation, and acknowledge the chemistry that remains between us.  We were discussing other relationships and he said something about mistaking chemistry for real connection that really struck me- we had both done that very same a dozen times.  We’ve grown into people who want to be able to express ourselves fully- including sexually- and we were comfortable relating to each other in what was a familiar but also totally new way.  And then something happened that rocked me, unexpectedly- like only intimacy with someone who truly knows you and cares for you can do.  In a half embrace we were nuzzling as he was touching me, and just as the sensation began to climax, he pulled my body close to him and held me tight in a full embrace, saying “I’ve got you, baby, it’s ok, I’ve got you” and my tears gasped out from a hidden place; buried in his neck, crying into our hair, he did not ease up and did not let go- he made space for whatever was releasing in me.  I guess in a way, for some time I had been experiencing orgasms in isolation- even in the company of lovers- like I sought the oblivion of them, “riding the outer ring of my own private Saturn” (the great poet Sean Daley, here:

It had been too long since I had been with someone who wanted me to connect to them in that moment, for me to feel safe enough to actually feel what was happening and to stay with me, or with them, there.  It was very humane and beautiful; and as friends we were able to move from that sacred moment into others sweet and silly and soon, sleepy.

This is exactly what I would seek to create in my own Utopia of what polyamory and “friends with benefits” would be.  Because look, he is great but I don’t have any longing to be anything different or more than the moments we share when we share them.  Most likely, I will not see him again for some time and I feel so peaceful about that- just blessing him on to the next thing knowing that he is doing the same for me.  What we shared last night- all of it- was previously unavailable to us.  It’s like one of the secret levels in a video game- we, or I, did not have the code, but do now.

It’s late and I’m tired so I’m getting a little rambly but I’m pretty sure there is a synthesis here, a complete loop, another dimension…  inwardly reorganized.  Makes me think of that spiritual tradition where people believe that we are born perfect and complete and that the whole life process is just about remembering all these things we are born knowing, our souls code.  I just remembered something; tho I can’t articulate it exactly, the visceral sensation is one of remembering and wholeness, I feel complete and recognizable to myself.

The other night I went to see a show with one of our mutual friends, and the nostalgia for this friend was ignited because our mutual friend had just gone to a show with him a few days before.  In the second encore, the musicians covered  Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, the poetry of which has always been striking to me.

Time After Time

Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,

And think of you

Caught up in circles confusion –
Is nothing new
Flashback – warm nights –
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after –

Sometimes you picture me –
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said –
Then you say – go slow –
I fall behind –
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost you can look – and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you – I’ll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows – you’re wondering
If I’m OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time—

xxx

In Good Company

Whooops I meant to post this on the eve of my 36th birthday (2 days ago)(it was beautiful, thank you).  Paula is probably 36 now too.

http://www.nytimes.com/video/opinion/100000002593981/35-and-single.html

 

xxx

Day 70: La Fin & Epilogue

I’m  a little shy of 100 days and heaven knows my counting was corrupted a long time ago, but I am going to officially move on from the original concept of the 100 invitations over 100 days.  I will continue to write and I invite you to continue reading.

Here are some points of reflection and conclusion:

1. I was/am bored.  I need to be doing something creative at all times. It’s like a puppy that needs to be taken for a run daily, the energy gets all bottled up otherwise. I knew that, actually- I guess I just got caught up doing whatever whatever over the past year and I have barely been creating anything. Asking people out (almost) everyday brought a lot of fun and insight, but writing about it was the thing I enjoyed the most. I believe that the creative, sexual, and spiritual energies derive from the same root source and when one is imbalanced the others suffer- but also that when one is booming, the others can expand dreamily.  I think too that sometimes it is easier to look outside of myself to fill the deficit.  Yes, sometimes when I am bored or dissatisfied or disconnected, I can quickly blame feeling that way on not having a partner or lover… when I think I just re-discovered that the actual need is to spend some time with my hands in the clay, pushing the fabric through the machine, or spray-painting some stickies or stencils in the backyard.  Or go dancing.  Im pretty sure dancing is holy.  The point is that more than dating or fucking or whatever, I need to be actively creating as an essential aspect of who I am. I *think when I am fulfilled and growing there, I am totally in myself. AND WHEN I am fully embodied, I am attracting energies/people into my life who vibe on me and my thing.

2.  Men are human.  People are people.  There is so much to say about the first statement and how profoundly different I feel in this one way.  I am just in this new awareness about how I have objectified men and/or how I have sought them out as my own private on-demand source of affection, sex, validation, company, emotional distraction and/or absorption,  etc.  On people being people, it’s just a matter of really seeing and listening.  Many times when I approached someone I was interested in, I was surprised to discover their person- and then find I was not at all attracted or that curiously I was attracted to people to whom I was at first ambivalent.  It was unscientific and irregular. I feel like if I had a “type” before, I’ve thrown it out now because I am waiting for someone to show her/himself to me and then I can ask them to move away or come closer. One more thing about this is that it has softened the experience of rejection because now I really see that rejection does not mean I am unattractive or unloveable, it just means I am not the preferred flavor or someone is unavailable.  Or I suppose many other reasons but really, it’s not a referendum on my attractiveness.  I have many times had the experience of finding totally attractive, lovable people not attractive to me for sometimes obvious and other times indelible reasons.  We are all just doing the best we can to be happy, living out our version of the dream.  I feel confident that me and my dream will one day fit perfectly with someone else’s.

3.  Historically, I have not been acting normally around people that I am crushing on or want to sleep with.  This has actually given me the opportunity to notice it and make very very different choices about how I behave and communicate with the people I am attracted to.  And even when I don’t really have the power to act differently, I can observe what I am doing and change the way I judge myself for it.  Move from “You’re so fake” to “It’s very sweet that you like this person so much that you really want to impress them.”  At the end of the day, I don’t want to attract someone by being different than I am and for me the vulnerability of self is tricky, even with close friends.  I’m learning.  I have some people in my life who show me love even in or maybe especially in my hideousness.  These are the people I want to be around.  I have been in relationships with people who fell for the lie and when they saw me they fled and that was some fucked up painful stuff, in the relationship and when it ended.  Now I just want someone who loves me as is and doesn’t try to shame me for the things about myself that are me.

4.  I think I want to date women.  Well, at least one woman.

5.  When someone is not interested or unavailable, respect that.  Part of respecting that means not questioning it or trying to manipulate a different outcome. Oh, that reminds me: when someone does not want to have sex, it’s also really important to just respect that, not question it, and it’s really cool to continue to be physically intimate even when you know someone will not fuck you.  I feel like this was covered in high school, but I just want to reiterate in case you forgot or thought that you were entitled to have sex with ANYBODY- whether it is the person you just met to your long term partner.  Stating that you do not want to have sex stands on it’s own and healthy grown ups can say it and also hear it when someone else says it.

6.  Energy is a real thing and we are all exchanging it with everyone we encounter.  You can choose to have good energy and to share it with people freely. Sexual energy is distinct and noticeable and powerful and is something that should be wielded with care.

7.  I want to be able to express myself completely with people I am having sex with and I don’t want any of those relationships to suffer the limitations of being exclusively sexual.  And truthfully, for me, if I am not emotionally and spiritually attuned and connected to my lover, or do not wish to be, then the physical part ends.  I might only be a love-maker.  That actually suits me perfectly.  And I guess the same statement applies to my lover not being spiritually and emotionally attuned and connected to me and closed to a deeper relationship growing: then the physical part must end also.  Even though that is super hard for me to do, it’s just for the best.

8.  Freedom is everything and the moment is the only place to be.  Valuing these, love, and full self expression above all else doesn’t preclude a committed relationship and monogamy is not the only way to love.  I’m not sure how all of this will shake out in my lifetime but I know I’m open to see how it evolves.

9.  My perception of myself in the world is distorted and shape shifting.

10. No one is “out of my league”.  Or yours.  Ask for what you want- be grateful and open to what comes.

 

And maybe that’s all I’ve got on this for now.  I’m at peace, it’s at rest.  Everything as it should be.  I love, I love, I love and am so very ready to give it all to you.

Days 61, 62, & 63: Realignment

There is a little disclaimer I overlooked early on which is that I get the banality of this project and I know it is almost insultingly stupid given some of the awful realities that people are facing and things that I could be talking about.  It is excessively self indulgent and silly so I must say both sorry and thank you for reading this or caring about me or ma vie d’amour.  So, sorry! Thanks!

There is a meta-meditation out of the Buddhist tradition that I have been practicing consciously these past few days out of a kind of dizzying psychic tremor which has left me so very aware of how much pain people are in.  It started a couple days ago when I met a saintly older man who had recently lost his daughter to suicide. I felt my heart swell up to fill my entire ribcage when he told the story about coming out to her a few years ago (he had been a closeted gay man married with kids for decades) and her response to him was something about loving him as a complete package, not just parts of him.  The space around him was so available for others to step in and grieve, as if in his magnitude he was offering to take and hold on to all of our hurts.  The meditation practice is to inhale the pain and suffering of others, and exhale your love and light.

And so, for days, but most especially tonight:

(Inhale) give me some of your hurt, I can hold it;

pause;

(Exhale) please accept my finest love and my brightest light.

There.  🙂 I hope that love light reaches you, wherever you are!

 

This afternoon I stumbled into my chiropractors waiting room and was immediately greeted by a warm and handsome smile of a man who I *think I saw there yesterday as well.  The head chiropractor was sitting next to him going over his treatment plan and he kept looking up at me and smiling, as if he was checking to see if I was still there and so happy to find out that I was.  That’s an awesome way to feel when someone attractive is looking at you and smiling.  The doctor got up and left, leaving us to just sit there smiling at each other.  Incidentally, on the TV above his head was an awful Nat Geo moment of 2 seals attacking each other.  Amazing.  Here is the conversation we had:

Smiles: “Are you feeling any better today?”

Me:  (shrug) “Sure, or I am on my way to feeling better.  How are you feeling?”

Smiles:  “That’s right, you just have to stay positive, keep a real positive outlook.  I feel amazing- ever since I started coming here, such a turn around, 100% better.”

Me:  “Oh I am so happy to hear that!  Yes, you’re totally right- being positive is the only way”

The doctor returns and calls him up to the desk so he can collect paperwork and schedule the next visit.  He stands up and walks to the desk, dressed in classic gray sweats, tall, muscular, he’s got that Brooklyn style sensibility that is so so attractive- the kind of clothes worn in such a way that you just want to take them off.  While he talks with the doctor and receptionist, he continues to look over at me and smile.  

Me:  “So, do you live in Brooklyn?”

Smiles:  “Yes I sure do.  Do you live in Brooklyn?”

Me:  “I do!  What part are you in?”

Smiles: “Flatbush.  What about you?”

Me:  “Oh, Flatbush?  We are neighbors, I’m in Bed Stuy.”

Smiles: “Oh really?  Well, nice to meet you, neighbor.”

Me: “Yes, nice to meet you too! We should…”

Smiles: “… meet sometime in the neighborhood for a drink?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I was thinking.”

Smiles:  “Me too, let me give you my number.”

And he gives me his number, we introduce ourselves, shake hands.  As he leaves he looks over his shoulder and smiles at me again asking me to call him soon to set up that drink.  Of course, of course.  From his glasses and smile, to that BK swagger, to his overt interest in and attraction to me- I liked all of it.  OK, so, technically, he did the asking, but I was moving in that direction, clearly, so- we have a tie.  I did not call him yet, but I will tomorrow.

Yesterday I had dinner with my polyamorist friend and that was lovely and delicious, just like he is.  I have been reading The Ethical Slut and appreciating the insights and tips for beginners in the Lifestyle.  I brought it to his attention and he said that it was a good introduction.  We talked a bit about parties and fantasies.  Sadly, I was unavailable when he invited me to a party a couple weeks ago.  We have had some scheduling challenges.  He explained to me a little more about how people behave at parties, and how to meet people to act out/fulfill fantasies with.  It’s all very interesting.

At one point I discovered a scar on his chest and after he told me the story of it he asked if I had any interesting scars.  In my mind I thought ‘none on the outside’ but I spared him my drama and just said ‘no, not yet!’ The thing that I am tripping on, just the littlest bit, is that because I know he is unavailable and I do not want to get confused about that, I am finding myself a little shut down around him to the point of not really being able to be satisfied sexually- like, I’m not really able to connect because I have powered down the whole grid in an effort to protect myself and also not push him away should I have any feelings.  This suuuuuuucks.  I’m hoping it goes away.  I mean, look- I am tryyyying to learn how to be fond of someone, express that in appropriate ways, but not have any expectation or attachment. And I am actually doing it well, I think; this thing is not a thing for me, and the only way I know of, at this time, to keep it that way is to not invite him into my heart and not initiate any more dates.  He can initiate, he can call it.  I don’t think the solution is to discuss it with him- it is definitely in the realm of my processes and I’m grateful to be so awake in this but it does feel a little… hard for me to navigate.  I do not want to hide or deny my affection for this man, but I am; and I have picked up on what feels like a tightness, a distaste if the conversation turns emotive.  That’s a shame, because I feel like that’s the best thing I have to offer.  He has got this down- he is affectionate, polite, considerate, open, charming, generous- and completely energetically unavailable, there is nothing for me to plug into.  I’ve probably got some decisions to make about this- it might be untrue to ME, my soul, my blue; AND I have absolutely had some yucky experiences with dissociation and sex and I don’t want to make love like that any more in this body.  Aye.  And Yay!  Here’s a quote from The Ethical Slut that feels apropos:

When you find yourself worrying about how you may be seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are.  It does you no good  to attract somebody who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is somebody who is excited about somebody who isn’t you.  When you are honest, you attract people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.

xxx

 

 

 

Day 51: Eclipse

A couple of weeks ago I was in a seminar and I noticed a vibrant and beautiful woman.  She would go out of her way to smile at me, would place her hand on my shoulder when walking by.  At first I thought she was just friendly and sweet and then she sat down in front of me and I was able to take in more of her.  She is a one-punch knock out, tall and curvy, big brown eyes, Columbian.  I have a thing for Columbians apparently.  We had some energy flying between us and when it was time for a break, she and I went for a walk to grab a coffee.

I was totally into her from the jump, and I could tell she liked me too, but I wasn’t sure how this would be, really. Something about the obvious attraction between us was obfuscated, in shadow- hidden from me.  We enjoyed that coffee; our time together was close, energetic, echoing.  When we got back, we exchanged numbers and I texted her the next day to follow up with her about a project I knew she was working on.  She said, “I would love to get together with you to talk with you more about it” to which I replied quickly with my availability.  We set up a date a week in advance, and that date was tonight.

She thoughtfully chose a veg-friendly restaurant and we met for dinner.  I was feeling/looking a little frumpy today because my back is still jacked and I had just come from the chiropractor.  She rolls in looking like a super model, effortlessly beautiful, tall and radiant.  This may be the moment I realized that we might be on a date.  I’m pretty sure that was a date.  And if it was not, well then I gotta jump on getting her to go on a date with me.  She made it very clear to me that she dates both men and women.  In discussing her recent struggles, she gave me with her exact location in life, her vulnerability endears her to me.  We had a beautiful evening and I can hardly wait to really put it on her the next time, so there will be NO ambiguity about whether this is a date or not.

Funny thing though, when we were checking out- I had a really surprising exchange of innuendo with the man who came to take our check.  He had a lot of power there, luckily I was so into my date that I didn’t push it, but I could have.  She loved watching him and I flirt, she liked my way with him.  I would have liked to have my way with him for sure; I liked how she handled that.  I’m not sure that this fits as asking someone out (I did ask her for that coffee) or having a date and therefor letting myself off the hook for kicking it to anyone- it is both and it is the only story I have today!  I’m sleep-writing this, let me go- and again fingers and toes are crossed, light the love candles on your altar, because I have a date scheduled with my musician friend Friday (day 45).  Feels like forever away.

PS there is some crazy shit happening in the sky tonight.  Big full moon lunar eclipse, a grand water trine AND the long awaited Cardinal Cross.  

I can’t tell you exactly what all that means but I can say this: the big message is about letting go.  My friend emailed me and wrote of this astrology, “changes are accelerating as of now!” so I will leave you with that.  Just stay hydrated and honest and you will be just fine.

I, will most likely just be exhausted from all this romancing 😉 let it accelerate, tho- I am ready.

 

Day 35: Care Instructions

I was having dinner with a friend tonight and noticed a young attractive waiter- sort of James Franco-esque, yet less aware of his swag.  We exchanged some glances but my back was to him most of the time- I put my intention to ask him out to the side and just enjoyed dinner with my friend.  We were having some serious girl talk- dealing with some real grown woman life stuff.  She held up this crystal clear mirror for me to see something familiar that maybe I was not wanting to see this past week.  It’s funny the ways we try to hide ourselves from ourselves.

As I was putting on my coat to leave, the waiter and I were having eyes, I was gathering my courage.  I noticed he had a piece of paper taped to his shirt.  When we walked past he and his colleagues having dinner at he bar, I leaned in to see what was written on it.  He explained that he did not have pockets, so, he taped his list of items he had to retrieve from the basement to his shirt.  What a cutie.  We laughed, I looked at him and said ‘oh I thought maybe those were your care instructions’ which seemed at first to confuse him, then it seemed to fluster him- so I quickly decided to let it go, I couldn’t really read that signal and there were too many people around.  Hot little thing though.  I go there occasionally, maybe I will see him again.

Just before leaving, I learned about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin separating.  So sad.  Her blog post at GOOP is worth reading, if you have not yet read it.  There is a brilliant discussion by Drs. Sadeghi & Sami about the increase in life expectancy relating to divorce rates, this fact being an important consideration as we think about what it means to be married or coupled and what goes wrong.  Then there is even more insightful explanations of the evolution of insects and humans- that insects are too vulnerable with those exoskeletons, and that we are less vulnerable because of our flexibility and ability to absorb, change, recover.  Laying down some serious truth about what happens in intimate relationships- how we essentially trigger in each other all that is wounded and unhealed- that intimacy and romance occur as our greatest spiritual teachers.  Marianne Williamson talks about this in her book Enchanted Love, she refers to this triggering as hitting the wall of fire: you either walk through it to become something different- fire the element of transformation- or you turn away and turn cold, and this can be done together/intact or alone.  I have long said that my most difficult break up was my greatest teacher; that I walked through that wall of fire alone- and while I would have preferred that transformation to have been possible without having to sacrifice that love- I understand now why it had to be that way.  GOOP in general is worth reading, but this blog post about their sad, sad separation and “Conscious Uncoupling” will be historical- the site has already crashed from so much traffic.  I would link it for you but I think you can only get it through email subscription…

Riding the subway home, a poem came through me.  I feel it is for Gwyneth, for Chris, and all our broken little hearts.

 

The Butterfly Effect

The explosions at Fukushima on the eve

of the

Super Moon; everything felt crazy

All my inner firefighters lined up, sounding

alarms in the room we painted

Avocado Green

tall windows still covered in plastic

distorting and protecting us

from the freight-truths approaching, it

was not yet time.

Wiping the water from

Your sweet

Face

washing my way down Your

legs, anointing Your feet as

God has blessed me from this place

these moments the harmony of our

swan-song; Rain

against our window, the window to

Your room where I am standing, long,

in my black tights

angry curls sprung, snaking tracks

down the hot tears

on my

Face stunned and ashamed by

the ineffectiveness of my small imperfect

breasts to protect

my heart from this.

The puncture so loud and wet

my hearing popped, only the shrill hum of

passing through dimensions left.

But to You

I am just standing there speechless,

pathetic in my tights in

Your room under Your

dream catcher and my rosaries,

all the things I could have

said pooling silent pearls at my

fingertips

rolling like water from

my shaking empty

Hands.

3/25/14

xxx

Days 32, 33, & 34: Caught Up

I think I’ve hit a wall.

Simultaneously, I have bored myself to death and also totally creeped myself out with this project.  It’s unnatural, to be lurking and prowling like this!  And while it is sometimes cute or sexy or hilarious, it’s mostly not very interesting to read about.  <—— but I’m going to stay with it.  I have learned so much in the past month, met many interesting people, been inspired to write, gotten closer to people I love, and a lot more comfortable in my skin; I expect that this is like one of those dieting or exercise slumps- I just have to muscle through it, honor my commitment, and trust the other side.  Taking this on has also helped me to take on other new challenges which is fun- and, more than one of my friends has told me it has inspired them to be bold and ask people out!  That’s the best part!

One of the reasons that this is getting a little tricky is because I have been dating, sort of, here and there, with some of the men I ask out- which is both time consuming and mentally distracting.  Maybe on the days I have dates I will officially declare no pressure days.  I can do what I want it’s my project.  Funny, more than one woman has asked me, ‘So, do you have to pay for the dates since you are asking them out?’ this question did not occur to me- and the answer is no.  So far, there is a lot of sharing or he pays because that is just what some men do.

So much of my energy spinning out with these dates and these conquests, naturally sometimes I just want to leave my sunglasses and headphones on and become an inaccessible zombie like everyone else.  Let me sleep walk to work please.  Yes that is my real butt, do not touch it.  I will stop complaining right this second, but let it be known: I was inches away from letting this whole thing fade away and after thinking it through, I realized if I quit now, I would regret it.

You are welcome to stop reading any time, as many have.  Because it has gotten boring.  Well that stops today, because here are some exciting stats for this week so far:

Week of 3/23/14:

Fresh proposals:  1

Follow up contact (text or phone):  4 (men, not 4 texts)

Dates:  1

More dates:  1

Dates scheduled: 2

Funny business:  Plenty!

(it’s just 3/24/14)

Mostly I am just exhausted from so much contemplation and fantasy.  There is not too much more to say at this time about wanting to explore the Lifestyle (swingers, non-monogamy, polyamory)- I want to do it and I’m going to check it out.  I think once I am in it, I will have a whole lot of processing to write about- and some sexy little vignettes but as you may realize, I do not kiss and tell in the present tense.  Funny business is a catch all term, I can’t help that you thought I was talking about my sex life 😉

Since there is a bit of a dry spell in my environment, I am going to go back through my mind and see if I can find any big crushes or people who I have been interested in that I may want to ask out.  No one is coming to mind because I generally ask those men out in my weird, awkward and direct ways.  But, I suspect there could be a story-worthy adventure out there, chasing the memory of someone sweet…

Drop me a comment and let me know if you have any ideas for dates I could chase…  I would like to ask out Michael Fassbender, any one want to help me make a video for him…?  Maybe for his birthday on April 2nd…?

 

xxx

 

 

Days 30 & 31: The Real Thing

It was just a matter of time before this happened.  I’m surprised it took so long.

My heart was stolen by a(nother) gay man.

This man showed up twice in my world today.  The first time I saw him I thought ‘Wow, his light is so so bright’ and wanted to know him immediately.  Such a strikingly beautiful and evenly proportioned man- stylish, groomed, fit- articulate, lovely, kind.  We were in a meeting together, and I really wanted to speak to him after but got caught up doing other things and he slipped away.  Lo and befuckinhold, the same man happened to be at a meeting I went to later this evening- it was spooky, really.  Spooky in the good way, the way that keeps happening this week.  I must have Neptune floating through my house of romance or something.  I did learn of his preference before popping the question, but the honest truth is he is the one my sights set on today.  I did not ask him out (haha! I might!) but we exchanged big warm muscular yummy hugs and found it wild to see each other for the first time twice in the same day. It seemed obvious to me from the moment that I saw him that there was something very special that we were supposed to exchange- I’m excited to meet him.

He is not the first gay man I have wanted to ask out- in fact, I was super hot for a very good friend of mine for the first few weeks of our courtship.  I was unsure until one day I saw him greeting some of the other girls (gay men) with lip kisses.  Later in our friendship he asked me not to be physically affectionate with him in public because I was cock-blocking him.  He realizes that his preference is maybe a little ambiguous.

I think I may just be so hermaphroditic in my energy and preferences that it doesn’t always seem so obvious to me.  It also would not be far off to say that I can be a little… oblivious, spacey, naive.

It’s been a couple of days since I have written because I’ve been a little… distracted.  I ended up meeting The One Who Got Away (Days 26, 27) for coffee the other day- Wednesday? Yes, two days ago. I also saw him last night. I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this at all, but he lives happily in a non-monogamous/polyamorous Lifestyle.

Beetlejuice, man.

Earlier this year, I was deep in consideration about the Lifestyle because my former lover (see Day 10) and I started discussing some pretty serious stuff.  I was of the position, for years actually, that he and I might consider being primary partners in a polyamorous lifestyle.  At that time, I did not think that ‘not us’ was an option- in fact, I thought we had stood the test of time over any of our other partners and that we were always going to figure out how to remain lovers.  Really.  I thought that one day I would meet someone else that I would want to be in a relationship with and would be trying to figure out how I would explain this other relationship in my life, how much I would be asking of someone to accept that I have this long term lover that I would like to maintain a relationship with. Relief from this inquiry was one of many ways I saw the end of our relationship as a liberation, God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Then there was the Columbian (see Day 7) and all of the wide-eyed excitement I felt about the spiritual/creative expansion available through the polyamorous experience; I have long believed there to be an unlocking quality to “unconventional” sexual relationships (see Day 5). I’ve had a lot of questions and thoughts about this for a long time.  Earlier in my life, it was this heart question about loving people well- like, if I really love someone, wouldn’t I want everyone to see and experience all that is lovable about them, and to communicate that loveability (thats not a word is it) to them so they can feel awesome all the time?  Following that thought, contemplating how to really live out that idea, it’s all about communication: if we are living with the fear of losing each other to someone else in front of us, then it wont seep in and poison the relationship with jealousy and fear and all that crazy shit that comes along with it.  Or maybe if non-monogamy means we don’t have to fear anything in this regard- that instead, we can live beyond it.

I don’t know.

I’ve been cheated on, too- and that shit sucks.  In the past I have been possessive, jealous, and controlling of partners and lovers.  I have seen infidelity destroy love like a hand grenade-  perfectly wonderful people who love each other and build big awesome lives together, all of it, disappears in a flash because someone fucks around.  Seems like entering into relationships with the expectation that someone is never going to get down with anyone else is somewhat unrealistic. Is it? We all decide that for ourselves.  I’m for a love that frees us and part of that might just mean freeing us to evolve in ways that include sexuality.  Don’t think this doesn’t scare me in places I don’t even understand.  And yes, I get this *might be the privileged perspective of a single woman.

Whatever, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.  I’m sure you do too.

SO, back to TOWGA… he is not available for a relationship in the conventional sense.  I asked him directly “Are you inviting me into The Lifestyle or are you inviting me into Your Life?” and obviously the answer was a little of both, but mostly the former.  I wanted to get my expectations aligned from the jump because honestly I was up for either- would love to date him with this magnetic and enthralling added layer, would also love to just have some fun, check out the Lifestyle.  He explained to me that while there are many people in the Community who are more polyamorous- like, in serious primary relationships and have romantic/sexual other relationships- that he is not currently into that.  He has many female friends, and he has sex with many of them.  Regularly.  He also loves to attend these sex parties (? I’m not sure that’s what we call them, I will have to study the terms, learn the language)(I ordered some literature) and meet people there to have some sex with.  He could not be happier with his sex-positive, drama-free lifestyle- he gets to have lots of sex with lots of beautiful women, he has great times with great friends, he is living the dream.  Just a note that there could not be a more attractive man “inviting” women into the community.  He’s fucking dreamy in every way.

That said, he offered to bring me to a party. YES, please bring me to a party.  The timing couldn’t be better, given that I am still committed to this project for another 2 months.  I have done so much of the internal work healing and letting go of maladaptive shit and learning how to love and be in functional relationships- it’s really time to experiment with that out in the world.  I just see it as an offering- like, here is a way for me to become more free and more real.  More exactly me; knowing what I want and how to communicate that.  The more free and real I am, the more I will attract people who are actually attracted to ME- encouraging and accepting of what makes me happy, what helps me grow and heal.  I told him and I will tell you that I have thought about little other than this since he and I had coffee Wednesday, and that it feels like my skull is too tight for all of the thinking my brain is doing.  If the creative, sexual, and spiritual energy are the same root source- which I believe they are- I’m so so ready for this deep dive.  Might just blow my mind.

Might make for some very interesting boudoir stories.

Could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…

xxx

Day 28 & 29: From the Boudoir: Confessions

September 2006

We met early in the spring- I was ripe and full.  Things happened fast, we were combustible, creative, plasmic. In ways I was shy and unaware of how young & beautiful I was; he found this irresistable, he was older, powerful, aggressive- I found this irresistable too.

By the fall, we were in it, I had it bad for him.  We spent the summer with the windows open under fairy lights and warm breezes; jasmine, Bruce Springsteen, open access all the time.  He was always busy with work and most often came over late in the evening, weary and wanting- I felt powerful that his solace and satisfaction were here with me. Our relationship was phenomenal, and isolated- I was too blinded by love and lust to see what was really happening.  Every time I assumed him to be my every day boyfriend- whether by inviting him to do things with my friends, RSVPing for 2 on wedding invitations, not dating other people- it resulted in some let down, he did not come through.  We would fight and I would tell him to either be with me for real or leave me the hell alone; he would retreat for a few days then come back and tell me he was sad and could not stop thinking about me, did not want me to go, was afraid of letting me down…

The toxic loop.  I was so addicted.  I would chase his love into the next lifetime, I’m sure.  I may still.

The hands of summer dropped and swung for the trapeze of autumn.  I was giving him one more chance and he was earning it- there were nights out, introductions to family and friends, I had an extra key made for my apartment, red glass heart dangling from the chain.  Every effort he made I rewarded with more honey.  He was wise to keep me in the chase- I was after his love and he held it high and back above his head, laughing kissing taunting me.

He was working at an all day festival in the neighborhood.  I stopped by with friends during the day, we had plans later that evening.  Texts and phone calls of innuendo and longing in the spaces between.  Full throttle.  He shows up at my house that evening, dusty and drunk from a day in the street.  Laughing and kissing we tumble into the shower, never before has he been so desirous and lovely.  I am so deliriously happy, my anticipating insides so very sure that this is our jump off.  Shower turns to the bed and I am pulling back to ask if he wants me to make him some dinner.  He wants a little something, but does not want me to go; I told him I will grab some fruit and some water, be right back.  He warns me not to be gone long, not to stop in the bathroom.  A heap of limbs and grapes and kisses, he tells me about his day.  The grapes were gone, moon is rising, we are making our way back down, his hand behind my head.  I start to slip out and away from him, he tightens, growls- ‘where do you think you’re going?’ I reply ‘real quick, to the bathroom’ and he kisses me more deeply, pulls me under him, I forget everything.

Forever later, we are on our feet, next to the bed, nothing has ever been more swoony and intense as this night.  I tell him ‘baby, I don’t want to leave even for a second but I still have to go to the bathroom’ and he gets very serious and shy, one arm wraps around my waist and the other around my neck, his kisses weaving a cocoon about us. He pulls back,leans his forehead against mine and says ‘there is something I want to ask you’ inside my heart is racing, timpanis! this is the moment! this is the moment! it’s happening!! it’s happening!!!  I take his face in my hands, nuzzling him and leaving little kisses on his eyes, his lips, smiling and whispering ‘what is it baby, you can ask me anything, I am all yours’ He hesitates, pulls me closer, looks into my eyes, and lowers again.  Kissing me deeply, I pull away and say ‘tell me’.  He drags his nose across my cheek, kisses my neck and lifts his mouth to my ear:

‘Will you…’

‘What baby, tell me, it’s ok…’

‘Have you… have you ever heard of a golden shower?’

xxx

Day 27: Magic Numbers & Voice Mail Options

“Have you had many women?”

Oi vey, I don’t think this conversation usually goes as well as it did for Baby & Johnny.  The old magic number question.  Are people really having the conversation about magic numbers?  It’s been a while for me- I think the last time it came up was when I was in a long-term relationship and even then, the truth didn’t come out for over a year.  Not because we lied, but because we managed to evade the question- we had the sense to know that it had the potential to cause great harm. I don’t even really sit around with my girlfriends and share the quantitative data- any of it.  Does it matter?  It would be very unusual for me to ask a man this question.

I didn’t find much useful information when I consulted Googs on this one either. Mostly just people sharing their opinions on what number indicates sluttiness.  Total kidshit-bullshit. I did like this video from Carlin & Betty- they are doing great work in the sexual revolution!  Viva L’Orgasm!

We don’t talk about it because people are still shaming and judging each others sex behavior. We shame each other for who we choose to have sex with, the kind of sex we like to have, how often we like to do it, how/if we talk about it, the kinds of relationships we do or do not have with the people we are having sex with, and on and on. I say sex is free and it’s fun so have as much safe sex as you want to!  There is nothing revolutionary about this view point- and just because this is what I believe, this does not mean I am out bangin around or that I am incapable of having a happy, monogamous experience.  Just to prove a point: you don’t know if I have had sex or not since this project started but I bet you assume I have!  Well, let me tell you: only if laying around my hotel room and rubbing one out between episodes of Breaking Bad counts, darlings!

I just wish we could replace our judgmental criticism with accepting curiosity.

… bet you thought I was gonna reveal my magic number, didn’t you?  Tell you what: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 😉

This is on my mind today because I have been thinking about the early dating taboo topics- you know, the stuff you’re “not supposed to talk about” when you first start dating someone.  As you might imagine, this is a short list for me- meaning, you can talk about whatever you want to- the deeper the better, as far as I am concerned.  I have learned to keep certain cards close to my chest- even if that seems hypocritical.  Contradiction makes me cute.

So I am still trying to figure out whyyyyy I had such a strong, visceral repulsion yesterday when the architect told me he was feeling heart-achy and disturbed because of something he had seen on Facespace regarding his ex. Actually it wasn’t just that, it was the whole conversation- asking me if I was into beefy Italian men (presumably because that’s who the ex is with now), inviting himself to come along with me to an art show, the sort of whiny-neediness of the conversation.  4 dates, maybe 5 dates in?  Upon reflection, I think I was on the fence about him and this conversation led me to fall on one side. To be clear, it’s not because I can’t relate or because I feel jealous or anything like that- I found his behavior generally emotionally unattractive and I’m just not up for being anyone’s bandaid or fix-it woman. The door isn’t slammed shut, but there has been a shift- he may still slide under the door…

I am all for a relationship where we can openly talk about past relationships- with love, without jealousy, without later using this information as a weapon.  There is so much to learn about someone based on intimate relationship history.   Not magic numbers, love stories.  Tell me your love stories.  I am listening.

I have had another shift which is that I am seeing the experience of running into The One Who Got Away on the train the other night quite differently.  The voices in my head have stopped shouting and the one steady, cold voice that remains is telling me ‘Now you just have further evidence that this man is not into you.  Leave him alone, let this go.’  That same voice has similar insights about my number one crush- with a sneering cruelty.  I hate this short cycle from elation to self reproach.  I prefer to stay neutral.  Actually that’s a lie, I’m built to stay high but that isn’t sustainable.  For the most part, this past month, I have been able to put these feelings aside and stay on point with this project.  REMEMBER THE GOAL WAS NOT TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, IT WAS TO ASK OUT 100 UNATTAINABLE MEN IN 100 DAYS. The rest is just my silly girl shit.

Last but hopefully worth the wait… On that, the silly girl shit- I had a funny (not funny haha, funny jeeesh) moment yesterday when I called The One Who Got Away to invite him to join me for this art show.  I was leaving him a voicemail (I know) and got a little distracted by something (shiny object, squirrel) so my message became a little ramble-y.  I took for granted that I would be able to ERASE AND RE-RECORD so I just went with the ramble and wouldn’t you know that upon pressing #, still recording.  *, still recording.  #*#*##* #*#*#** 1111*#**? nope still recording.  So, if this poor man listened to my stream-of-consciousness message, he then had the honor of listening to me try to play Ice Ice Baby for him on the number pad.

Wait, no, that was funny haha I just made myself cry trying to recount that story.  Snort.

Yo, VIP- let’s kick it xxx