There is a little disclaimer I overlooked early on which is that I get the banality of this project and I know it is almost insultingly stupid given some of the awful realities that people are facing and things that I could be talking about. It is excessively self indulgent and silly so I must say both sorry and thank you for reading this or caring about me or ma vie d’amour. So, sorry! Thanks!
There is a meta-meditation out of the Buddhist tradition that I have been practicing consciously these past few days out of a kind of dizzying psychic tremor which has left me so very aware of how much pain people are in. It started a couple days ago when I met a saintly older man who had recently lost his daughter to suicide. I felt my heart swell up to fill my entire ribcage when he told the story about coming out to her a few years ago (he had been a closeted gay man married with kids for decades) and her response to him was something about loving him as a complete package, not just parts of him. The space around him was so available for others to step in and grieve, as if in his magnitude he was offering to take and hold on to all of our hurts. The meditation practice is to inhale the pain and suffering of others, and exhale your love and light.
And so, for days, but most especially tonight:
(Inhale) give me some of your hurt, I can hold it;
pause;
(Exhale) please accept my finest love and my brightest light.
There. 🙂 I hope that love light reaches you, wherever you are!
This afternoon I stumbled into my chiropractors waiting room and was immediately greeted by a warm and handsome smile of a man who I *think I saw there yesterday as well. The head chiropractor was sitting next to him going over his treatment plan and he kept looking up at me and smiling, as if he was checking to see if I was still there and so happy to find out that I was. That’s an awesome way to feel when someone attractive is looking at you and smiling. The doctor got up and left, leaving us to just sit there smiling at each other. Incidentally, on the TV above his head was an awful Nat Geo moment of 2 seals attacking each other. Amazing. Here is the conversation we had:
Smiles: “Are you feeling any better today?”
Me: (shrug) “Sure, or I am on my way to feeling better. How are you feeling?”
Smiles: “That’s right, you just have to stay positive, keep a real positive outlook. I feel amazing- ever since I started coming here, such a turn around, 100% better.”
Me: “Oh I am so happy to hear that! Yes, you’re totally right- being positive is the only way”
The doctor returns and calls him up to the desk so he can collect paperwork and schedule the next visit. He stands up and walks to the desk, dressed in classic gray sweats, tall, muscular, he’s got that Brooklyn style sensibility that is so so attractive- the kind of clothes worn in such a way that you just want to take them off. While he talks with the doctor and receptionist, he continues to look over at me and smile.
Me: “So, do you live in Brooklyn?”
Smiles: “Yes I sure do. Do you live in Brooklyn?”
Me: “I do! What part are you in?”
Smiles: “Flatbush. What about you?”
Me: “Oh, Flatbush? We are neighbors, I’m in Bed Stuy.”
Smiles: “Oh really? Well, nice to meet you, neighbor.”
Me: “Yes, nice to meet you too! We should…”
Smiles: “… meet sometime in the neighborhood for a drink?”
Me: “Yes, that’s what I was thinking.”
Smiles: “Me too, let me give you my number.”
And he gives me his number, we introduce ourselves, shake hands. As he leaves he looks over his shoulder and smiles at me again asking me to call him soon to set up that drink. Of course, of course. From his glasses and smile, to that BK swagger, to his overt interest in and attraction to me- I liked all of it. OK, so, technically, he did the asking, but I was moving in that direction, clearly, so- we have a tie. I did not call him yet, but I will tomorrow.
Yesterday I had dinner with my polyamorist friend and that was lovely and delicious, just like he is. I have been reading The Ethical Slut and appreciating the insights and tips for beginners in the Lifestyle. I brought it to his attention and he said that it was a good introduction. We talked a bit about parties and fantasies. Sadly, I was unavailable when he invited me to a party a couple weeks ago. We have had some scheduling challenges. He explained to me a little more about how people behave at parties, and how to meet people to act out/fulfill fantasies with. It’s all very interesting.
At one point I discovered a scar on his chest and after he told me the story of it he asked if I had any interesting scars. In my mind I thought ‘none on the outside’ but I spared him my drama and just said ‘no, not yet!’ The thing that I am tripping on, just the littlest bit, is that because I know he is unavailable and I do not want to get confused about that, I am finding myself a little shut down around him to the point of not really being able to be satisfied sexually- like, I’m not really able to connect because I have powered down the whole grid in an effort to protect myself and also not push him away should I have any feelings. This suuuuuuucks. I’m hoping it goes away. I mean, look- I am tryyyying to learn how to be fond of someone, express that in appropriate ways, but not have any expectation or attachment. And I am actually doing it well, I think; this thing is not a thing for me, and the only way I know of, at this time, to keep it that way is to not invite him into my heart and not initiate any more dates. He can initiate, he can call it. I don’t think the solution is to discuss it with him- it is definitely in the realm of my processes and I’m grateful to be so awake in this but it does feel a little… hard for me to navigate. I do not want to hide or deny my affection for this man, but I am; and I have picked up on what feels like a tightness, a distaste if the conversation turns emotive. That’s a shame, because I feel like that’s the best thing I have to offer. He has got this down- he is affectionate, polite, considerate, open, charming, generous- and completely energetically unavailable, there is nothing for me to plug into. I’ve probably got some decisions to make about this- it might be untrue to ME, my soul, my blue; AND I have absolutely had some yucky experiences with dissociation and sex and I don’t want to make love like that any more in this body. Aye. And Yay! Here’s a quote from The Ethical Slut that feels apropos:
When you find yourself worrying about how you may be seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract somebody who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is somebody who is excited about somebody who isn’t you. When you are honest, you attract people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.
xxx
no i do not love you 