All Night

This has been the week of a hundred thousand thoughts but not a single tail or loose thread to pull so I could unravel it all and show you what has been happening up in there.  I’m exhausted and I had an evening coffee so here it is 2am and I’m awake, awake.  Lucky you.

I began reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown this week after a mini-bender on Amazon (holla Prime!).  You may remember her very famous Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability (<—- click that if you do not)(I just learned how to code links so no more copy/paste web addresses!!).  Maybe you want to have a first or second look- it may be insightful.  I wouldn’t gush that I loooove her or the book but I appreciate the discussion and some of the practical action/suggestions she makes. There are a few things going on in my life, personally and professionally, that Dr Brown’s work sheds light on, in a rip-open-the-drapes-to-the-midday-sun kind of way.  The book specifically focuses on Brené’s research on shame.  Becomes clearer all the time how influential shame is in my life…  Synchronicity is a funny thing when you’re a meaning-seeking little story teller with a spiritual bent, like me.

Gosh, life can be so very tricky sometimes. Grateful for that which helps us grow and shine right through it.

Speaking of resources, a friend sent me a Tracy McMillan article from the Huffington Post that got my haunches up a bit.  It was titled “Why You’re Not Married (<–)” ; then I went on to read another article from her written in the same voice about being a female Peter Pan(<–).  It wasn’t until I watched the video at the bottom of the first article that it dawned on me I had read one of her books last year- and I remember feeling mostly meh– about it.  The articles are a little touchy, she is brave to write the things that she does, but brave does not equal correct- these really are inflammatory statement pieces.  She does comment that she is delivering these “truths” in the spirit of generosity and wanting to help people, but, where I come from?  Truth without love is cruel.  It might make it more sophisticated and articulate to criticize… eh.  Who cares.  You read it, lemme know what you think.

It’s good timing for this all to be swimming around in my head because I have decided, after some setbacks, fresh starts & tipping points, that I am circling the wagons and getting some shit together.

Deep Sleep by Logan Hicks

I can barely stand myself anymore in a couple of key areas- the subject of this dumb blog being one of the top 2- so this may turn into one of those detox rants for a few weeks or so, like Leonard Cohen’s Book of Longing… ha, if only I could write something to compare to that masterpiece of what it is like to desire/resist/succumb over and over and over only to understand the truth about that suffering is really about God… oh Leonard, how I need you now.  I… oh God, where do I even start?  All I will say is that I have had the devastating gift of having a love with the force of all the Earth’s oceans wash over me in the past couple weeks and… well, I can’t have him.  He is living a version of the dream, with a woman- and their child.  Don’t get freaked out and judgey, not a single shady thing happened between us at all and he is admirable and respectful in every way- and I am too.  Love is like that.

I am left with this surge of anger and demand, however, shaking my fist at the sky and being like whaaaat the fuck—…  No really.  What the fuck.  Between the one I love & can’t have, and my swinger/lover (who is also in many ways a platonic ideal, but doesn’t want a girlfriend so that ‘goes nowhere’), I am feeling pret-ty sorry for myself and like I have been dicked out of something that is most valuable to me.  It occurred to me briefly this evening, after walking back from a stolen moment, that perhaps there is a larger message in this: because that’s what I do to make sense of the difficult things of my life, I seek to learn and grow from them…  OR THERE IS NOT A STUPID LARGER MESSAGE AT ALL AND THIS IS JUST SOME STRAIGHT UP LIFE SHIT THAT IS UNFAIR.  Fuck you rainbows.  Fuck you karma.

Even if a part of me is angry and sad, I remain mostly deeply grateful.  Grateful to be awake and to love like this.

So I am dropping this old shell and swimming my naked lobster ass out to sea to grow a newer, bigger one to accommodate all this growth, and/or the changes that are happening, now. Older lobsters must be the humungous mutant ones.  Good timing for this sort of introspection, given Mercury retrograde beginning in 4 hours(<–).

 

And just in time, today- I discover Sharon Van Etten.  Rocked me.  Every song an anthem.  Like this one:

 

Siren of the Seas by Logan Hicks

 

xxx

 

Day 51: Eclipse

A couple of weeks ago I was in a seminar and I noticed a vibrant and beautiful woman.  She would go out of her way to smile at me, would place her hand on my shoulder when walking by.  At first I thought she was just friendly and sweet and then she sat down in front of me and I was able to take in more of her.  She is a one-punch knock out, tall and curvy, big brown eyes, Columbian.  I have a thing for Columbians apparently.  We had some energy flying between us and when it was time for a break, she and I went for a walk to grab a coffee.

I was totally into her from the jump, and I could tell she liked me too, but I wasn’t sure how this would be, really. Something about the obvious attraction between us was obfuscated, in shadow- hidden from me.  We enjoyed that coffee; our time together was close, energetic, echoing.  When we got back, we exchanged numbers and I texted her the next day to follow up with her about a project I knew she was working on.  She said, “I would love to get together with you to talk with you more about it” to which I replied quickly with my availability.  We set up a date a week in advance, and that date was tonight.

She thoughtfully chose a veg-friendly restaurant and we met for dinner.  I was feeling/looking a little frumpy today because my back is still jacked and I had just come from the chiropractor.  She rolls in looking like a super model, effortlessly beautiful, tall and radiant.  This may be the moment I realized that we might be on a date.  I’m pretty sure that was a date.  And if it was not, well then I gotta jump on getting her to go on a date with me.  She made it very clear to me that she dates both men and women.  In discussing her recent struggles, she gave me with her exact location in life, her vulnerability endears her to me.  We had a beautiful evening and I can hardly wait to really put it on her the next time, so there will be NO ambiguity about whether this is a date or not.

Funny thing though, when we were checking out- I had a really surprising exchange of innuendo with the man who came to take our check.  He had a lot of power there, luckily I was so into my date that I didn’t push it, but I could have.  She loved watching him and I flirt, she liked my way with him.  I would have liked to have my way with him for sure; I liked how she handled that.  I’m not sure that this fits as asking someone out (I did ask her for that coffee) or having a date and therefor letting myself off the hook for kicking it to anyone- it is both and it is the only story I have today!  I’m sleep-writing this, let me go- and again fingers and toes are crossed, light the love candles on your altar, because I have a date scheduled with my musician friend Friday (day 45).  Feels like forever away.

PS there is some crazy shit happening in the sky tonight.  Big full moon lunar eclipse, a grand water trine AND the long awaited Cardinal Cross.  

I can’t tell you exactly what all that means but I can say this: the big message is about letting go.  My friend emailed me and wrote of this astrology, “changes are accelerating as of now!” so I will leave you with that.  Just stay hydrated and honest and you will be just fine.

I, will most likely just be exhausted from all this romancing 😉 let it accelerate, tho- I am ready.

 

Day 4: You Could Be My Ace

RIght before I got on the subway tonight, I looked up to see the moon rise right up next to the ESB.  While photographing, I sang Christopher Cross quietly to myself, “if you get caught between the moon and New York City… I know it’s crazy, but it’s true- when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love” … I should have known given the love drunk air I have been breathing these past few days but I was caught unawares. And I totally fell in love.  This young man sat near me on the L-train (the LOVE train) and we very naturally started laughing and talking as the people across from us started sharing a fifth of whiskey.  Then as the train got more crowded, he slid right up next to me, and I felt every cell in my body turn to him as if he were the Sun and I made of chlorophyll.   His birthday was yesterday (31), he went to an exotic restaurant for dinner and had fancy desserts where they wrote happy birthday on his plate in chocolate sauce, and he thought this was the best thing ever. I melted from his genuine simplicity. Then he went dancing.  He marveled at how many people shared his birthday, I marveled at his fashion sense.  I mentioned the blog to him and he was really interested.  I asked him if he was single and he is not; I told him that if he was, I would definitely be asking him out (you know, for the mission!).  He told me if he was single, he would definitely be saying yes.  We rode the rest of the way, continued to talk close but respectably.  He talked about what it was like for him to ask women out- weighing regret and rejection, he always leaned toward risking rejection.  He told me how he likes to rock a pink flash sneaker or t in support of women’s health.  I showed him the book I am reading (How to be a Woman  by Caitlin Moran) and he looked at the table of contents, remarking specifically on the chapter “I start bleeding”.  He said that he didn’t understand why men freak out about this, or why women feel embarrassed about it- because without it, none of us would be here.  Even as people got off the train, he did not move to put any space between us.  We talked about what it was like to grow up in the city as a young black man, and he said he wished that people could change skins just for one week, that the world would be so different.  He said he liked to hang out with gay men because they were peaceful and he didn’t have to worry about guns or violence.  We were transferring at the same stop, and as we got off the train I told him his girlfriend was a really blessed woman.  He said he did not want to get off the train.  As we were walking to the transfers, a group of teenage boys started to rush past us and get confrontational and he instinctively put his arm around me and turned my body toward him to protect me as we went by.  He retracted and apologized, I quickly said ‘no, no- that was nice’ and then we said goodbye, gave each other a long look, and he went to the J and I to the A, my blood feeling like champagne, my face flushed.

It was innocent and sweet and I’m really grateful for his fidelity and for my ability to respect other peoples relationships.  Life has not always been so clean in this respect.  I contemplated on the way home if there was even anything that needed to be said- like if I was coming home to a boyfriend, would this be an exchange that I needed to mention or that I would want my partner to mention to me.  The answer is no- because it was handled totally appropriately.  The truth is that even when we are in committed relationships, there will rarely be a person who shows up like a supernova- attraction so elemental and palpable.  While I give up the freedom to act on this kind of attraction when I am in a committed relationship, it doesn’t stop it from being so.  In previous relationships, this would have caused a huge problem- having this experience tonight showed me how much I have grown the fuck up and that humans can be trusted to behave in ways that honor each other.

He is so much more attractive to me because of his commitment to his partner.  Whoever she is, I hope she recognizes her blessings and loves that man the way he deserves to be loved tonight and always.