Please excuse me for taking so long to write again. I wish I could tell you that I have fallen madly in love and been shacked up for the past 3 days, and in a way I have been shacked up- with sciatica. I really feel elderly when I say that. Sighhh. But it’s true- and those of you in the know will nod- sciatica is both exhausting and unsexy.
I have been up to a thing or two, mostly on-line. I revamped my Match profile, it has been stagnant for a while. It was amusing to notice how attached I was to my carefully crafted editorial about myself and what I am looking for. Shit, I had some good lines in there! Check this one out:
“I am looking for someone who can manage all the spiders of my life in exchange for, well, the best that I’ve got.”
What an asshole!
So I Control-A/deleted the whole thing before I could think too hard about it and then started fresh. I wanted to be very simple, confident and brief (NOT my strengths at all)- you know, cultivate a little mystery. That and I know damn well that if people get past my pictures, they do a quick scan of the stats which include ‘age 35’ & ‘wants kids’ & ‘never drinks’ and THIS weeds out many people. I think many of us have learned that people misrepresent themselves with old photos, which I have not. I have had more than one man comment that I look great for my age… yes, of course I blew them. Honestly, I can’t believe half the things that people say to me in an effort to get a response, but- I bet there are plenty of men who find my communication style unrestricted, off-putting and annoying. 😉 Welcome to the party.
There’s a lot not to believe on these sites.
After trimming down the old ‘about me’ section by about 400 words (ohhh, I know), I also cut my photo count in half and indiscriminately deleted every email from my inbox, updated my reading section, got real honest about the activities I actually do versus the ones I would like to be doing, and saved those changes. I proceeded to scroll through my matches- 2 of which were attractive to me so I emailed them. Then I checked out the men who had favorited and liked my pictures, one of them was somewhat interesting to me and I emailed him too. Let me check right now to see if any of those 3 wrote back… nerrrrrp, nada one! 2 of them visited my profile. Ahhh, Match life.
It’s hard for me to find the right words often, in real time. In the past week I had to kind of kill a few connections and that was not fun. I did not hear back from a couple of them, which I get. One day I would like to graduate from doing this via text to just calling people but that’s super uncomfortable. Always amazing to me, the things we allow ourselves to type at each other… or worse, that saying nothing at all is acceptable.
If words are the primary creative power that we have to make our reality, our entire lives, then hells yes I better be more conscientious about how I use them. I sometimes tire of all this ‘visualize the positive’ ‘come from abundance, not deficit’ kind of Oprah talk but it works. And if the only way it is actually working is in my shifting my attitude or perception just a little more toward the center, a little more in focus- then that’s great. Let me be one less negative grouchy unavailable bot in this city.
One of the first things we are taught when we begin to read Tarot is to be very specific in the questions you ‘ask’ the cards. I have been taught that it is important to meditate, actually- clear the mind of it’s noise and then let the skull space fill with your focused attention on the question(s) of your heart.
It was a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn and this afternoon I sat in my backyard and did a Tarot reading, asking the very specific inquiry: “What will be of my love life in the next 3 months? Please show me what I need to see.”
Details below!
Method: Traditional Celtic Cross Spread
1. How you have come to your present situation or focus: V The Sage
Faith in one’s higher consciousness or higher power. Ancient knowledge will guide you. Deeper connection through meditation and ritual. Your compassion and insight attracts others. Finding a deeper meaning in life and assistance from a wise person. Convention, knowing how to act appropriately, conforming, holding back may be limiting the free-spirited, independent side of your nature. May have to conform with certain rules if you are to move ahead with your plans.
2. The obstacle; what seems out of alignment in your heart. The bridge you need to cross: 7 of Coins
A pause to assess what has been achieved and what still needs to be accomplished. A warning not to stop for too long. Time, reflection, self study. The payoff will come later. A delay in the outer world while personal growth is still being achieved. Evaluating. asking ‘what’s next?’. As a “blockage” card, persevere with your projects and don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. Act.
3. The foundation or root of the issue: 5 of Wands
Amazing- that text says, “Romance… is that too much to ask for?” haha!
A conflict fueled by creative differences. A struggle in life or love. Petty obstacles, short-term difficulties, which when overcome can be seen from a broader perspective and lead to deeper understandings. Competition that can only be solved through cooperation and finding harmony. You are at odds with yourself- what you think you want or need isn’t in accordance with what you truly need and want. It is time to stop battling yourself and set down your true priorities.
4. The past- previous patterns and influences behind the situation: Princess/Page of Swords
A person who is clever but unconcerned with the feelings of others. An idealist. Someone often good with the written word, that is adept at perceiving and uncovering that which is unknown. Studios and strong willed, somewhat serious and detached. An alert and inquiring mind. May seem secretive to others. The Page of Swords reminds you to open your eyes, see the truth, don’t let emotional fears swamp you. Objective thinking, youthful ideas, logic, reason, mental dexterity.
5. Conscious ideals for the situation, goals, visions, and perfect pictures in the seekers mind: Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands is my totem card with this deck. She even looks like me, and my Mayan astrological symbol is the Moon.
Independent and passionate; enthusiastic and full of creative energy, often having many projects going on at once. Although family and friends are important to her, she is fiercely independent. She is compassionate and empathic, but if crossed, she fights like a lioness. Magnetic, attractive, sexually accomplished, wholeheartedly involved, optimistic- in touch with all aspects of the feminine and can express herself freely and confidently without worrying what other people think about her. BE aware of your direction and use your intuition to follow through.
6. Coming soon: what is immediately beyond your obstacle: 8 of Wands
The end of delay or stagnation. A busy, exciting time ahead suggesting travel and exploration. Be open to new prospects and opportunities on the horizon. Represents those ideas and actions which are intuitive, generated by sudden flashes, thoughts, or reactions to events, and are not static. Be prepared for news and fresh information which you might not recognize due to it’s method of delivery. Keep your eyes and mind open for any possibility that can lead you to the truth of a particular situation.
7. Your ego, and how you perceive yourself in this situation: XX Liberation
Paying off karmic debts. You will experience a spiritual awakening or epiphany. A time of rejuvenation. A sincere attempt to take responsibility for past actions. Rising above negativity to resolve the situation. Implies that you can liberate yourself from old patterns, whether toward a lover, your family, or patterns of behavior that have not been right for you. Making choices without blaming oneself or others. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.
8. Family and significant others, how you are perceived: 6 of Cups
Innocence and nostalgia. Meeting of an old lover or friend, sharing or reconciliation. Reminiscing strengthens bonds from the past and deepens connections to others. Past efforts can bring forth future rewards. Carry what is good from the past into the present situation. The spirit of this card is all sweetness and light, generosity and forgiveness have a place. Implies that by giving out goodness around you it will come back to you. If you have unfinished business with the past, now is the time to put it aside and welcome fulfillment or true exchanges of love into your life.
9. Hopes and fears, both positive and negative: King of Coins
A powerful man, financial or business leader. A man who loves his possessions and accumulating money. He is practical and clever in business. Earns his status through hard work and patient effort; generous and fair. He has reached the top of something, has no hang ups or complexes and has that uncanny ability to be one step ahead of the game. Savvy, materialistic, charismatic, resolute, supportive and enterprising. Reap rewards, make a commitment, with this card you will have the energy, confidence and charisma to handle any situation.
10. Outcome, long-term resolution of the situation: 7 of Cups
Many elements or choices presented to the seeker. A current choice requires much care. Be careful not to pick what looks good on the surface. Try to imagine each situation and possible outcomes. Imagination and vision. Grand illusions about love or possibilities for achievement. As a “future” card, watch out for any of these traps: it will soon be time to face those options, make your choice and commit yourself to those plans, rather than avoiding challenge. In a relationship issue, take care that you do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.
11. Gift, guide, hidden factor: 10 of Wands
Burden soon to be lifted; moving away from a dismal scene with grace and dignity. A feeling of tremendous pressure to finish the goal and move on to brighter prospects. Our very burdens are what force us to carry on and win at all costs. We work hard to make a relationship work for fear of rejection, we try to please too much as a way of keeping control of a relationship. People will not stop loving you because you chose to devote more time to yourself than to taking care of them. Letting go of the huge burden you have created for yourself won’t mean you give up on yourself.
xxx
no i do not love you 
