Pretty night in the city. Misty, warming up, waxing moon… I spent hours in the bookstore after work, what an amusement park that place is. It was difficult to maintain presence enough to notice the men milling about (it was like a well stocked bakery of cupcakes), but I did some smiling and some eye flirts. For a while there was one man that I was in some kind of communication with- he was reading visual art books, I was lost in the gardening section; looking up to smile at each other, sweetly excusing ourselves moving past each other. He slipped through my fingers, that hundred dollar bill lost in the wind.
Determined not to miss another opportunity, I walked a few extra blocks just so I could pass people on the streets. There was the very tall model looking man that I was certain would not even see me who gave me a warm half smile twinkle that caught me by surprise, but I didn’t catch it in time. Crossing 5th ave I locked eyes with a very handsome older man who was walking in the opposite direction, he looked at me, turning his head as he was walking by, nodding and saying ‘good evening’ and like a dick I smiled and kept on walking. It was raining! We were in the middle of the street, give me a break! Ughhh, then there was that man with the bicycle on the train yesterday morning that I totally missed- he gave me an opening with his repeated held eye contacts and smile, but I was slow to move. Slapping my forehead. I don’t care if it’s inefficient for my morning commute, I will ride in the opposite end of the train til I see that hunk again!
Then, waiting for the F, my angel appeared in the form of a tall, dark, maybe Turkish looking man, sort of traveling hipster look, so I assumed he was foreign. What is with me creeping on the foreigners on the subways?! There were all yellow and green lights- eye contact, smiles, same train car, ended up right next to each other- I definitely thought the stars were aligning. It’s hilarious to me in hindsight, but I was actually baffled by his headphones! I could not figure out a plan to initiate conversation with him because of his goddamn headphones. HILARIOUS. So, this 12 year old here decided to write a little note that said:
“Hey Headphones 🙂
If you are single, I would love to have dinner with you, you’re really attractive!
xo Mystupidname (800)ASSHOLE”
As he is exiting the train, I catch his eye and hand him my note, with a smile. (Brace yourself) I watched him stop to read the note, then drop it like a soiled tissue or chewed gum right into the dirty subway trashcan and keep on walkin. He did not look back. Shudder, teeth suck, wince! God I hope the people I was still on the train with didn’t see that shit. Peeeeee-uuuuuuke.
I’m fine. Finishing up HoC right now with the kitty. Ate some cheese and had some peppermint tea. I’m ok.
Siggghhhhh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me, my confidence is a little shaken, the old voices are coming back, I’m exhausted, I miss my long term lover, been trying out some new lipsticks, I don’t know… I should probably ask my nurse friend for a B12 shot or something. I think we are all a little fucked in the head right now, winter yielding to spring and spring having to fight for it. I hate to be so boring. I’m going plant-based all the way on Sunday and committing to a home yoga practice, it will keep me focused as we go through these next few weeks. And it will help me get my glow back, not to mention help me to shed my winter blubber.
I have a date with the architect tomorrow that I’m excited and nervous about. I hope he doesn’t put the moves on me too heavily, I want to keep my feet on the ground with this one. I also have a Match date with a tall, handsome pug on Sunday. I’m committed to find other men of interest this weekend too, I will meditate on this tomorrow- there is a lesson in this that I must see before I can move to the next level. More but different sabotage patterns, wouldn’t you say?
Just want to conclude by completing the reference to the classic “Hundred Dollar in the Wind Theory” which suggests that: you must reach for the hundred dollar bill if you are going to catch it! if you do not catch it but keep on it’s trail, eventually it will lead you around a corner to the table where all the hundred dollar bills are stacked, just blowing away in the wind.
xxx
no i do not love you 