September 2006
We met early in the spring- I was ripe and full. Things happened fast, we were combustible, creative, plasmic. In ways I was shy and unaware of how young & beautiful I was; he found this irresistable, he was older, powerful, aggressive- I found this irresistable too.
By the fall, we were in it, I had it bad for him. We spent the summer with the windows open under fairy lights and warm breezes; jasmine, Bruce Springsteen, open access all the time. He was always busy with work and most often came over late in the evening, weary and wanting- I felt powerful that his solace and satisfaction were here with me. Our relationship was phenomenal, and isolated- I was too blinded by love and lust to see what was really happening. Every time I assumed him to be my every day boyfriend- whether by inviting him to do things with my friends, RSVPing for 2 on wedding invitations, not dating other people- it resulted in some let down, he did not come through. We would fight and I would tell him to either be with me for real or leave me the hell alone; he would retreat for a few days then come back and tell me he was sad and could not stop thinking about me, did not want me to go, was afraid of letting me down…
The toxic loop. I was so addicted. I would chase his love into the next lifetime, I’m sure. I may still.
The hands of summer dropped and swung for the trapeze of autumn. I was giving him one more chance and he was earning it- there were nights out, introductions to family and friends, I had an extra key made for my apartment, red glass heart dangling from the chain. Every effort he made I rewarded with more honey. He was wise to keep me in the chase- I was after his love and he held it high and back above his head, laughing kissing taunting me.
He was working at an all day festival in the neighborhood. I stopped by with friends during the day, we had plans later that evening. Texts and phone calls of innuendo and longing in the spaces between. Full throttle. He shows up at my house that evening, dusty and drunk from a day in the street. Laughing and kissing we tumble into the shower, never before has he been so desirous and lovely. I am so deliriously happy, my anticipating insides so very sure that this is our jump off. Shower turns to the bed and I am pulling back to ask if he wants me to make him some dinner. He wants a little something, but does not want me to go; I told him I will grab some fruit and some water, be right back. He warns me not to be gone long, not to stop in the bathroom. A heap of limbs and grapes and kisses, he tells me about his day. The grapes were gone, moon is rising, we are making our way back down, his hand behind my head. I start to slip out and away from him, he tightens, growls- ‘where do you think you’re going?’ I reply ‘real quick, to the bathroom’ and he kisses me more deeply, pulls me under him, I forget everything.
Forever later, we are on our feet, next to the bed, nothing has ever been more swoony and intense as this night. I tell him ‘baby, I don’t want to leave even for a second but I still have to go to the bathroom’ and he gets very serious and shy, one arm wraps around my waist and the other around my neck, his kisses weaving a cocoon about us. He pulls back,leans his forehead against mine and says ‘there is something I want to ask you’ inside my heart is racing, timpanis! this is the moment! this is the moment! it’s happening!! it’s happening!!! I take his face in my hands, nuzzling him and leaving little kisses on his eyes, his lips, smiling and whispering ‘what is it baby, you can ask me anything, I am all yours’ He hesitates, pulls me closer, looks into my eyes, and lowers again. Kissing me deeply, I pull away and say ‘tell me’. He drags his nose across my cheek, kisses my neck and lifts his mouth to my ear:
‘Will you…’
‘What baby, tell me, it’s ok…’
‘Have you… have you ever heard of a golden shower?’
xxx
no i do not love you 